The moment you decide to move on, forward, away from or even towards
something in your life you are placed on a long and sometimes painful path.
You must walk that mile.
And when that mile is leading you away for someone or something
that you hold dear it makes that mile even longer.
I've walked this mile many times.
Sometimes by choice and sometimes crawling on my hands and knees
not wanting to go another inch. Wanting
to turn around and run back to where I came from.
Not wanting to walk the mile.
The times I did walk away. The times that I moved on or away from a person,
place or event in my life, those times, I can say this...it wasn't easy.
Those times I was crawling. I didn't want to move on but couldn't
stay.
So how come there are some times when you can run, others where
you can walk and still others when you can barely crawl?
What gives you the ability to move at all?
Is it self preservation?
And why are there some instances when you hold on with all you have
and other times you just let go?
Is it in direct relation to how desperately you want it?
I did 16 cycles. 16! And that is not including cycles that were
cancelled. If I added in the cancelled cycles it would be more like 20. 20 cycles!
And I still can't let go.
I still can't walk away.
Desperation?
Long ago, when I decided I could no longer be the person who was
dishonest and cheated, I decided to walk away from them both. I ended my affair and I left my high school
sweetheart.
Walking away from my high school sweetheart...I am pretty sure that
was self preservation.
And when I walked away from Sio...I am 100% sure it was self
preservation.
But the guy I cheated on my high school sweetheart with...what was
it exactly that I was walking away from...I'm not sure...but the closest I can
come to explaining it is...I was walking away from my old self and walking
towards my new self.
I still had a long way to go but I needed a clean slate.
A clean slate...hmmm...
Is that what walking away does?
Is that what's at the end of the mile?
A clean slate?
So if I walk the mile...walk away from cycling...walk away from
any chance of pregnancy and giving birth...will I be giving myself that clean
slate?
The clean slate that I need to embrace what life has in store for
me...
The clean slate that allows me to be okay...
Or will walking the mile lead me to the electric chair?
I think of walking away (away from X and toward Y even if one doesn't know what Y is) as survival.
ReplyDeleteIf one's life is the collective experiences one has had, I'm not sure there is such a thing as a clean slate. How could there be? A new lease, maybe, but hardly a clean slate. If you've cycled 20 times every one of them is embedded into who you are. What would a clean slate now even look like?
The one thing that comes to mind is that the heart wants what it wants.
I wish I had answers. I can only send love and sympathy.
ReplyDeleteI so hear you. That first mile is definitely the hardest, and doubts want to creep in and pull you back. I'm walking away from both bio motherhood and a relationship at the same time. But the relationship part is easier because of what he's saying to me about what he's capable of and what he wants. I'm with you, though, and sending care. Hoping it gets easier. It does seem like you have given it your all... there may be that magic bullet out there but it would probably come in the wrapper of tens of thousands of dollars.
ReplyDeleteMichaela
ReplyDeleteYour blog inspires me. You are so brave, and I am in awe of you. Prayers and good vibes in your direction!
Cindy
Your posts as of late have been hauntingly beautiful. My heart goes out to you as you struggle through this time. You truly are one of the most brave & amazing women I have ever encountered.
ReplyDelete