Walking the mile Part II...

There are roads we must take.

Paths that we must follow.

Some are by choice, some by chance and some because we have no choice.

Those are the hardest to walk.

The ones where you have no choice.

There is power in choice...but when it has been taken out of your hands...when you have no choice...you have no power...

That's when you crawl.

That's when the slightest movement forward has drained you of all you have.

I will tell you this...right now I am barely crawling.

And although I said I wasn't going to give Mr. Selleck any more billing here I have to...

What he did to me is what keeps me crawling...I must work on standing...

His actions, his words, his betrayal, his lies...have all but crushed me to the ground.

And as I use every last bit of strength I have to move one inch...

It makes me wonder how my actions may have caused others to walk miles they didn't want to...

And it makes me wonder how my actions may have been detrimental to their ability to walk...

Causing them to crawl...

No one wants to be responsible for the pain and suffering of others...but when it comes to the matters of the heart is there really any way to avoid that?

What Mr. Selleck did was extreme...and I keep thinking about my behavior in the past that may have warranted such harsh retribution...

This isn't the first time I have had thoughts like this...I have many times wondered if at certain times in my life, even though I was truly sorry, if at those certain times when my actions weren't of the utmost moral standards, if due to those times my karmic debt still hasn't been paid.

And I know this sounds weird but this is a character flaw of mine...being too sensitive and too hard on myself...because I think deep down inside I have this notion that somehow I must have done something to deserve it...

The same with my infertility and miscarriages...I feel that somehow I deserve it and I just want my debt paid...

So relationship wise...do I feel that I deserve what Mr. Selleck did to me?

I think if I am going to figure this out, honesty is a good place to start.

The most important person that I have to be honest with is myself.

About two years ago on Facebook I received a friend request.

That request was from the guy in college that I had "the affair" with when I was still in a relationship with my High School Sweetheart.

That request made me pause...pause and think...think back to a time, a time where I wasn't as loyal and faithful as I should have been.

A time where I was learning what kind of person I wanted to be but maybe not always practicing those traits or making the best choices.

It made me reflect. Reflect on everything that happened back then...

It's amazing how much you don't remember!

And amazing how much you do...

Funny, I remember where he lived and what his place looked like from back in time...

There have been many times over the years when I drove into that area, I would purposely turn up his old street just to drive past his old place...

And I remember when I told him that I was ending the affair.

He was standing at my front door and I was explaining how my High School Sweetheart loved me and I wasn't going to leave my High School Sweetheart.

As I went to shut the door in an act of finality, he pushed it back open and said: "He loves you...I love you!"

Was that the moment when I couldn't make sense of my feelings...when I couldn't make sense of his feeling or my High School Sweetheart's feelings...

The moment where I realized what I had done...to all of us...

The moment when I knew I had to walk away??

I don't know...

See after that I don't really remember that much...

Except that one day...I think months later...he showed up at my work.

By that time I was with my sailor and I am not even sure how the conversation went...

I feel horrible that I can't remember what I said...

Was I mean? Was I compassionate? Did I apologize?

Maybe that's what this is all about...me wanting to apologize...to tell him that although I had strong feeling for him, there was no way I could have loved him because I didn't love myself. Because I was too busy hating myself for what I had done...and he was a part of that mess...that mess I had to clean up and move on from...

But seriously some 20 plus years later...do I even own him an apology?

The answer is: "No". I don't owe him an apology. I don't owe him a damn thing.  He knew I was with someone else and he pursued me anyway. Unlike Mr. Selleck who played on my every hope and dream, whose lies and deception were hidden by songs of I love you...I never made him promises that I was going to leave my High School Sweetheart  for him and I never made him promises of love...

BUT yes, what I know now, a lesson that I painfully learned back then is that it was my job to say "No thank you" to him when he made those advances and I didn't. I didn't and that in turn only caused pain for all those involved: myself included.

So no I don't owe him an apology.

So why? Why think about? Is this because Mr. Selleck came along and trounced on my heart?

No this has been on my mind for a lot longer than Mr. Selleck...

No this is something that has gone in and out of my conscious for 20 plus years... that moved to the forefront with a simple friend request.

My feelings of having done something to deserve all the pain that I have been through has compelled me to revisit the past...to revisit him...to tell him it was nothing he had done to deserve the mess that I made when I gave in to his advances...

Maybe it's me trying to release the ghost...

And maybe, yes, there is a part of me that wants to apologize...not because I think I owe him an apology but because I am sorry and it would be something I would like to hear...and really isn't that how you move forward and release the ghost??

By acknowledging it's presence...accepting your part in its creation...and saying I'm sorry...

So relationship wise...from my past...do I feel that I deserve what Mr. Selleck did to me?

No!

There is nothing I have done in the past that made me deserve the heartache that Mr. Selleck has caused me...

There is nothing I have done in the past that makes me deserve that heartache of infertility and miscarriages.

So as I am forced onto this path...

As I am learning to stand...

As I walk my mile...

Maybe by accepting the fact that I did nothing to deserve this and truly believing it in my heart...

Then maybe at the end of my mile there won't be an electric chair...

Just a tiny ray of redemption...

Maybe I'm Amazed Part I

When Mr. Selleck was standing outside my door on New Years Day, I had no idea what was going to happen with us but by the end of the night I was certain we were in it for the long haul...oh how wrong I was!

Now I'll be perfectly honest, I am not even sure what he said or what I said when he first came in.

I think I ran to hide my vibrator...

I know he said something about it being hard to love him...really!?...what a bunch of self indulgent, self stroking crap!

But trust me I wasn't thinking that at the time. To be honest I have no idea what I was thinking...probably because I wasn't thinking...my heart was in control.

I know we talked about New Years Eve. I was very upset about New Years Eve.

He told me he ended up going over his ex's...now I know this sounds bad but it wasn't his recent ex. This was the ex he had his daughter with and they have been broken up for 13 years.

Plus she has a boyfriend, who was there.

It wasn't the fact he went there that bothered me. He actually goes there all the time. His daughter lives there.

It was the fact that he didn't spend New Years Eve with me.

Then he goes on to tell me that he behaved poorly there! He drank too much and made a scene.

NOT GOOD.

But everything I questioned...

Everything I asked....

He apologized and reassured me COMPLETELY.

He was 100% with me!

His "I love you's" were non-stop.

He kept telling me over and over how much he loved me. How much he needed me and how I was his best friend.

He would say just that: "I love you! You know that right! I love you. You are my best friend".

Over and over again he would say it:

"I love you! You are my best friend."

He would take my hand and hold it...repeat "I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

Stroke my face...and repeat "I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

Examine my face...kiss me..."I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

And he sang to me...

The song he kept signing: "Maybe I'm Amazed"

It was beautiful.

It was close.

It was intimate.

We talked...I questioned it happening again...him needing space.

He said: "This time next year we will see how many times it's happened...zero!"

He brought up marriage again and Vegas.

We started planning a trip "to some place warm".

It was all future tense.

It was all us!

And as far as New Years Eve went...we had it out...

He was really upset about getting drunk at his ex's and he was wondering how to handle it with his daughter.

So I told him that on my end I would let him off the hook for New Years.

And I did let him off the hook.

He even went as far as calling his ex and telling her that he would be coming over...coming over with me. That we would pick up his daughter and take her out to dinner. I could hear the whole phone conversation he was having with his ex and his daughter, how he was including me in the plans.

I told him that I felt that maybe he should go alone and he said no. "I want you with me. I need you with me." and so I said I would go with him.

Those plans never came about.

2 days later at 7 am in the morning Mr. Selleck declared that he needed his space again.

His exact words: "Oh yeah. I'm going to need some space again and that includes seeing other people."

Just like that!

"Oh yeah. I'm going to need some space again and that includes seeing other people."

I was in shock!

I was amazed!

"You're telling me this now at 7am when I have to go to work!"

His reply: "There's never a good time to say it."

I think I wanted to punch him but I was in too much shock to form sentences never mind throw a punch.

The sentences I was trying to form were coming out all jumbled...

"How could you...after this last week...the I love you...the best friend..."

His response: "I was in a very emotional place and needed you."

*So you used me and now tossing me to the side?!? - of course this was something I didn't say...

I wish I wasn't in such shock. I felt like I couldn't breathe...struggling to keep my head above water and Mr. Selleck kept pushing me under...

There was no clarity in the moment. Everything was so surreal. Like he was this stranger standing in front of me saying: "But I still want to see you!"

He still wanted to see me (yeah right! douche bag!).

He said: "I know you don't do that but I want you to think about it. Think about it. Consider it. I'll come over tonight (it was our Wednesday) and we'll talk about it."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

Oh yes...I was amazed!

The last sentence I did form, my last words to him as he walked out the door were very clear:

"You know this is over right!".

That is the last time I saw Mr. Selleck.

I text him later that day and told him not to come over. There was nothing left to say...

Maybe I'm amazed at how quickly his feelings changed.

Maybe I'm amazed at how casual and nonchalant he was about it all.

Maybe I'm amazed at how little his words "I love you" meant.

Maybe I'm amazed that I was in bed with a total stranger and never noticed.

There are so many things that I am amazed about what happened, but I guess the one that gets me the most is I am amazed at how much this hurts.

Because if there was one thing that I thought I got out of the last four years of struggling it was that I've become immune to hurt...

The healing powers of a Stromboli!

When Mr. Selleck text me that he need some alone time...I was concerned...but I didn't think it meant we were breaking up. All I thought was that he was pulling his crap again and it would blow over.

He had told me he wasn't feeling well a few days before. Sometimes this happens to him where he gets dizzy and vertigo. It stems from the fact that he's had Lyme disease three times.

His text was matter of fact: "Hey, you're right I haven't been myself. I have been feeling dizzy, anxious and depressed. I'm just regrouping that's all."

Okay...no biggie right....

Right?

The words of the physic were ringing in my head:

"He will need to "go off" on his own sometimes...have these little "trips" ...Don't worry...Give that to him...He is with you 100%!"

Right!

And it was fine for the first day...

the second day...

We were texting but he sometimes wouldn't respond for hours and that was driving me nuts.

New Years Eve was approaching and his delayed responses were now not only driving me nuts but pissing me off.

It wasn't nice...it wasn't fair and actually it was down and out rude!

I was being the most understanding, patient, compassionate person and he was treating me rude!

Flat out rude! And of course I let him know it was rude!

He text me asking me not to be upset. Saying how much he cared...blah...blah...

All I wanted to know was about our plans for New Years Eve.

I gave him the out. I told him we didn't have to go to my friend's house for New Years. We could stay home. I just wanted to spend it with him...

He text me to go alone.

I was crushed.

I want a boyfriend who would do anything to be with me...and Mr. Selleck...Mr. Selleck just told me to go alone...

And I did...go alone...

And I had a great time!

And I drank too much which led to me sending a drunk text to Mr. Selleck and then passing out.

I woke up in the morning to a text from Mr. Selleck: "Happy 2014 babe...let me know when you get home"

I was Hung Over! (with a capital H and a capital O).

I didn't go home until later that afternoon and I waited an hour to text him I was home.

He didn't respond!

Confusion and a hangover led me to make one decision...

I needed a Stromboli.

Right now the only thing that would cure this hangover was a Stromboli.

I placed my order for my Stromboli. I couldn't wait for my Stromboli to get there! I needed it's magical powers.

But I did have some time to kill so I decided it was a good time for a little "me alone" time...wink...wink...

Basically I decided to pleasure myself while I was waiting for my Stromboli...hey don't judge...I hadn't seen Mr. Selleck in 4 days and I am a woman in my 40s...which basically means that I now have the sex drive of a 18 year old boy...a constant (and I mean constant!) desire ;)

Plus I had 40 minutes to kill...or so I thought...

Just as things were getting good the doorbell rang!

Wow my Stromboli came quick!

I ran with excitement...et um...not that kind of excitement...to the door to get my Stromboli.

I am sure my face was flush...yes from that kind of excitement...but I didn't care...I needed the hangover healing powers of a Stromboli more than I needed to finish what I had started...

I ran down the stairs, flung the door open and there stood Mr. Selleck...

A wave of disappointment came over my face as I said: "Oh...I thought you were my Stromboli"

Then I asked him the question I was wondering for the last 4 days: "Are we breaking up?"

His reply: "I don't think so...can I come in?"

"Sure. But I'd rather have my Stromboli!"

Mr. Selleck came in...and didn't leave for 6 days.

My Stromboli also came...I shared it with Mr. Selleck.

It cured my hangover and things between me and Mr. Selleck.

In the 6 days that me and Mr. Selleck were holed up in my condo, we didn't get dressed for 2 days.

2 full days of nothing but nakedness, sex, kissing, sleep, talking and cuddling...tons of talking and tons of cuddling.

On the 3rd day, when the snow finally stopped, we finally took a shower, put clothes on and went out to get food and alcohol.

We stopped at the local pizza place where I always get my pizza and of course my Stromboli but this time instead we got a calzone.

Maybe that's where we went wrong....

Calzones just don't have the healing power that Stromboli's do!

Because by the 7th day...Mr. Selleck and I ended our relationship...for good this time...and there isn't a Stromboli big enough...

Tom Hanks...oh so predictable!

To say everything was "the way it should be" with Mr. Selleck or "perfect" would be a lie.

The truth is I didn't know exactly how things were between Mr. Selleck and I.

It seemed like we were "back together".

But we never really discussed what "We'll work it out" entailed.

And I was afraid to ask.

Which is really crazy considering I am a "tell it like it is" kinda a gal and I usually have no problem with getting to the bottom of things.

I guess I didn't want to know the answer.

I just wanted me and Mr. Selleck to be amazing...the amazing I knew we could be...the amazing we should be...

So I didn't ask.

But there was one thing I did that I probably shouldn't have...

When I had made my decision to break up with Mr. Selleck I went back to tried and true...I text Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks was a guy that I went on one date with after the first time Mr. Selleck and I broke up.

He was safe, he was reliable...he just didn't give me butterflies....

He wasn't my Mr. Selleck....BUT...we had a good first date and I thought if Mr. Selleck was out texting other women maybe I should see what's out there for me...

I did not tell Mr. Selleck any of this...

Did I do it so I could feel a release on the grip Mr. Selleck had over me...I don't know...did I do it because deep down inside I still felt like that abandoned little girl who learned that leaving first hurts less...I don't know...was I trying to walk away...I don't know...but whatever the reason...if any were the case, it back fired.

After another date with Tom Hanks. A good date. We said goodbye at the car with a little peck on the lips...I got in my car and proceeded to cry the whole way home...I mean sob!

I don't know what it was that triggered it.

The peck on the lips Tom Hanks gave me?

All I know is it wasn't what I wanted. This might be what Mr. Selleck wanted...nothing too big...nothing serious...but it wasn't what I wanted.

All I wanted was Mr. Selleck.

But not at the expense of me.

This...this...whatever this was...it was not working out.

It's not who I am.

And I learned that a long time ago.

It was the week before Christmas and Mr. Selleck and I were spending another amazing night that consisted of too much talking, too much wine and too much sex.

He started asking me what I wanted.

"What do you want?"

I replied: "What do you want?"

I really didn't want to play this game.

I wasn't sure where he was going with this...

So I responded: "I don't want to be dating"

He was surprised: "You've been dating?"

And I was confused...did he now what something "serious"...something bigger...

"Two dates.  I'm trying to give you what you want."

Quietly he said: "I don't want you dating."

I ended the conversation with: "Well then, I guess we have figured out what you don't want."

And started our love making on the living room couch.

The very next night while sitting on that same couch watching TV, Mr. Selleck blurts out: "We should get hitched!"

Now, one could say that his outburst could be caused by the fact that Mr. Selleck and I had a habit of too much talking, too much wine and too much sex but this was before the ritual had even begun...

But this time...this time...instead of contemplating the validity of his words, I turned and with a slight smile said:

"Don't worry baby, I'll let you back pedal out of that one!"

I never saw Tom Hanks again. I feel bad about that.

But I was certain Mr. Selleck and I were moving off of shaky ground.

We both had family plans for Christmas but planned on spending the night before Christmas Eve together as "our" Christmas.

And we made New Years Eve plans.

We were moving off of shaky ground...but on to what?

On "our" Christmas, Mr. Selleck and I were supposed to exchange Christmas presents.  When he showed up he told me my present was at his house. He said it was too big to bring and something he put a lot of thought into...I couldn't wait to see what it was.

But I never did get to see what my Christmas present was...

Even though we had "our" Christmas, Mr. Selleck insisted that he wanted to see me Christmas night too. Of course I took that as a good sign in our relationship. We met late at night at my place.

The morning after Christmas, Mr. Selleck left my bed in a hurry...eerily in a hurry...our love making was in a hurry too (really this time it was more like fucking and not the good kind of fucking)...his getting dressed was in a hurry...eerily in a hurry...

The next day...a text...a text stating that he needed time to himself...but how much time...and what did that mean?

How much time??

Enough time that I never got my Christmas present and I never got a New Years Eve kiss at midnight either.

Because although Mr. Selleck was becoming predictable it wasn't the good kind of predictable...it wasn't safe and solid predictable like the Tom Hanks of the world.

And with Mr. Selleck's predictability came the unpredictable ring of my doorbell on New Years Day.

My Christmas Morning...

Mr. Selleck was on his way over.

I had decided that this would be our "one last time" goodbye.

I left the downstairs door open for him.

And as usual my heart raced as I heard him walking up the stairs.

My resolve to walk away from Mr. Selleck was fading fast.

The writing on the wall was barely visible.

I felt like I couldn't breathe without him.

He came in the door.

I didn't get up to greet him like I usually do.

I remained seated on the couch.

He walked over, leaned down and kissed me and then sat next to me.

All will was gone.  All resolve was gone. And the wall was blank.

I told him this could be our "one last time" goodbye.

Mr. Selleck agreed but then said that we can't count this time because he couldn't spend the night . He was having dinner with his daughter and had to leave soon.

I agreed that this time wouldn't count.

We made love.

Mr. Selleck left with the plans that he would come over on "our" Wednesday (a night we always spent together) for our "one last time" goodbye.

Later on in the evening, after he left his daughter, he text me to say good night.

He text me the next morning.

I wondered if he had read my letter.

The letter that I slipped into that little, plastic bag of his belongings.

He didn't mention it.

Had he not looked in the bag?

"Our" Wednesday was here. The night of our "one last time" goodbye.

I text him to ask him what time he was coming over.

He text back:

"Wow baby. I just read your letter. I haven't been nice. I am sorry. Are you sure you still want me to come over?"

I wasn't sure what to say.  I wasn't sure if I felt the same way as I did the day I wrote the letter. I secretly wished I could have somehow snuck into his house and stole it back.

But it was too late.

He read it:

"I am looking for my Christmas morning, my Easter Sunday, my 4th of July, my Thanksgiving day...my hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month and months in the year (42 years right) where I am with the one I think about the most, the one I love with all my heart and the one who is my family.

When we kissed I saw that, when we made love I felt that.

When we had sex whether it was soft and sweet or more erotic, I felt like we were opening up to each other on another level. A level others wished to achieve. 

But what I didn't know was that it was one sided. That you didn't feel the same.

When you came back (and even before then) you lead me to believe you felt the same and I believed you because it all felt so strong. 

No one says the things you did unless you mean it or you are so insecure you wanted to make sure you "had" me. 

And we know you didn't mean it. If you meant it, feelings like that, feelings that strong that should go behind words that strong...feelings like that don't fade in a couple of days or in a couple of weeks. Feelings like that are for keeps. 

I was "this close" to believing in my "meant to be".

But my Christmas morning, my "meant to be" wouldn't be texting another woman in the middle of my living room at 11 o'clock at night.

The only women you should be texting is your sisters, your mother, nieces, in-laws...

I could tell by that smirky smile on your face (which I can't get out of my head) and the way you laughed that you weren't texting any of the above and in that moment I saw you for who you are...and it's none of the things I felt...I've been duped. Feeling a connection that was only on my side. I feel like a fool and I am so hurt that you lead me to believe...

My meant to be...my Christmas morning...my everything...I wish it was you but it's not...and that breaks my heart..."

I stared at his text:

"Wow baby. I just read your letter. I haven't been nice. I am sorry. Are you sure you still want me to come over?"

I text back...

"Yes"

This time when he walked in the door I greeted him.

We didn't really talk.

We kissed passionately as he led me to the bedroom.

As we laid there entangled in each other I said:

"What are we going to do?"

Mr. Selleck put his hand on the side of my head, brushed the hair out of my face, ran his finger down my cheek and said:

"We'll work it out"

That next morning when we woke up in each other arms I knew Mr. Selleck and I were back together.

It all felt so right again...

Until...

Until Christmas morning...

Cemetery

I am pretty sure it is my "Been there! Done that!" attitude that lead me to confront Mr. Selleck over the "text heard round the world"

I have a really good bs meter!

After he left, I spent the night tossing and turning. In complete shock. I didn't sleep a wink. My brain was in overdrive.

The next day he text me that he was going out with daughter and would get in touch with me later and then put a LY (love you) at the end.

LY is how he ends his texts to me.  And I usually reply with a "ditto".

I didn't reply.

The next day, I sent one simple text.

I replied: "We need to talk"

I felt the only recourse I had was to break up with him.

It felt like such a "cheater" move for him to be texting another woman.

I ran it over and over and over again in my mind.

The smile that crossed his face when he read the text...

The laugh...

That is NOT "just" a friend...

My mind flashed images, like out of a movie scene, of every moment we spent together.

Remembering things he said and how he made me feel.

On one of our dates we went to an open house at an artist's home. As we explored the grounds we found ourselves inside this little chapel that the artist constructed. It was small and had all these strange statues everywhere.

We sat inside and kissed for what felt like forever! Actually there were people standing outside the chapel waiting to go in and look around but saw us kissing and didn't enter. It was a little embarrassing but in that "Ohh sweet love..." kinda way not a "get a room!" kinda way.

Walking around we met this really hip couple Carol and Rich. They met in the 60's in NYC's downtown theatre scene. They were this fun, sassy, cute couple that had been married for 42 years.

We instantly bonded with them and sat there engage in conversation for quite some time.

Later that night after we made love Mr. Selleck wrapped his arms around me, kissed the back of my neck and ear and said: "I want 42 years with you."

I said teasingly: "Why don't we work on 42 days first, then 42 weeks, then 42 months and then 42 years!"

We laid in bed calculating the date that each milestone would fall on.

His words from the fight kept ringing in my head...

"Not too serious?" "Taking things slow"

Those were his words about our relationship after I caught him texting...was I mistaken?

Talking about being together for 42 years...

Aren't those things you say when you are serious?

During our conversation with the hippest couple on earth, Carol said: "Are you two going to get married?"

Mr. Selleck's reply: "Well we were just in the chapel."

It was cute and sweet. Now that is a remark that you don't take too serious.

But mentioning purposing, urging me to try to get pregnant again...those are not things you say causally...that's serious shit!

This made me wonder about every remark he ever made and of course the biggest remark of all:

"I love you!"

Was he being not too serious about that too?

I saw the writing on the wall.

And it was written in red! Big red letters!

RUN!

There were other words starting to appear on the wall too: player, cheater, rebound...the words were light at first but becoming a darker red the more my mind focused on the wall.

I knew I had to break up with him.

My heart hurt. I truly thought he could be "the one" and he certainly led me to believe that too!

I put his belongings in a bag. It wasn't much...a toothbrush, nicorette gum, some bathroom products and some "bedroom" products (wouldn't you like to know!)...

I put them all in a plastic shopping bag and I slipped a note inside.

A note telling him how he made me feel.

My "goodbye" letter.

He responded back to my "We have to talk" text.

He wrote: "Do you want to meet at the gym?"

"Seriously?" I questioned.

He text that he didn't mean it as if nothing happened, he just felt it was a neutral place to talk.

I told him I was going to church.

He then suggested I meet him at the cemetery that his father is buried in. It is right down the street from my church.

I agreed.

I pulled into the cemetery and saw his car.

We both got out.

I walked over to him.

My heart was racing and hurting all at the same time.

With a shaky voice, I told him I couldn't be with him anymore and gave him his bag of stuff that contained  the secret letter.

He asked if we could be friends.

I said no.

He put the bag in his car.

Then we walked around the mausoleum holding hands and talking.

He told me that even though it was a flirtatious text he has no interest in her.  But on her end she has an interest in him.

*So what are you leading her on? Keeping her on the sidelines? - of course these are things I thought of later on to ask!

He then mentioned that it really is just a matter of how serious of a relationship, how big of a relationship he wants right now...

*Okay then don't say serious things!! Don't say BIG things! Once again something I thought of later to say...

He asked me if I wanted to go with him to see his father's grave.

I declined and said my goodbye.

When I got home I started to rethink everything.

I started to I feel like I completely overreacted.

Everything written in red on the wall was now transforming and fading.

It morphed into a plain, white wall, as the words disappeared,  I couldn't see the writing anymore. Unable to read.

I felt heartache...I felt uncertain of my actions when I was so certain before...

My resolve was fading just like the big red letters on the wall...

I felt like I just said goodbye to the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time.

I sat in my living room in a daze and cried.

Just outside my window I heard the hungered wails of Sematary...my somewhat adopted stray cat.

I pushed open the window and called his name.

"Sematary!" "Sematary!"

There he was, looking up at me with those tortured eyes.

I threw a handful of food out the window.

I watched him walk over, trying to find each nugget in the grass to eat.

I'm not sure how long I stared at him scavenging for nuggets.

I closed the window.

Aimlessly  I walked around my condo. I walked over to my phone.

Slowly picked it up.

Looked at it.

More like studied it.

I sent one text:

"Come over"

An instant reply:

"I'm on my way baby"

Men and Women...

I am a firm believer that men and women cannot be friends unless one important factor is removed from the equation.

Until that factor is removed from the equation it will always linger over the friendship with the possibility of either changing the dynamic of the friendship and igniting it or ruining the friendship all together.

And that factor is sex.

 It is a simple equation man + woman = sex.

Now I know we could say man + man or woman + woman equals sex too but for now we are dealing with the man/woman friendship conundrum.

The only way men and women can truly be friends is if the sex has been taken out of the equation or off the table!

There are a two sure fire ways sex can be removed from the equation:

The First Way:

One of you is gay!

This is the easiest way to remove sex from the equation and wonderful friendships can be had.

I lived with my gay guy for 6 years. We were Will and Grace before the show Will and Grace came out!

My "Will" was a great friend.  We had date night, produced plays together, pretend fought in the supermarket, acted out monologues, worked out, got drunk, cried, consoled, laughed, hugged, slept together...

Yes, we slept together but no sex...

My Will was afraid of thunder. So whenever there was a thunder storm I would get a knock on my bedroom door...

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Come on in!"

I actually recommend that every straight girl get herself a gay boyfriend! They are the best friends a girl can have!

They will never let you leave the house not looking your best! Even if it's only to go to the Home Depot!

And they will never have secret thoughts and/or agendas of trying to get you into bed.

It is the truest and best form of the man/woman friendship.

The Second Way:

You can have sex and realize your are better off friends. You have gotten over  the curiosity and/or tried the relationship and you realize friendship is the best relationship for the two of you.  Sex is now off the table and you can move forward as friends. You will no longer wonder.

The first acting classes I ever took was with a woman named Barbara. She taught at the New School in NYC and gave private lessons in her home.

I was 20 years old and full of hopes and dreams.

I started taking private acting classes with Barbara.

In the class was a handsome man... to me he looked like Sidney Poitier!

My Mr. Poitier! My Sidney was beautiful, talented, charming... and 10 years older than me.

He would say things like: "I have shirts older than you!"

Sidney became my friend and my protector. Taking care of me as I learned to brave this big city on my own.

But you see Sidney and I couldn't be "just" friends because we hadn't taken sex out of the equation yet.

Of course the moment came where the friendship moved forward and we had sex.

I can't remember exactly how long it took. I was somewhere between breaking up with my high school sweetheart and falling in love with my sailor.

I think Sidney and I only had sex once. Maybe twice but then we both went on to fall in love with other people. Me with my sailor and Sidney with a woman he worked with.

Both those relationships ended  but our friendship blossomed.

Sidney was my safe place.

Sidney always "named" my boyfriends.  Always with a "boy"...Sailor boy, Stockbroker boy, Bread boy (he wouldn't call him Breadman!)

He once told me the day he doesn't name him is the day I found the one.

I wonder what he would call Mr. Selleck??

 Sidney and I remained friends for many, many years...until one day...until one day my dear friend moved all the way across the country to the west coast, fell in love and got married...

And I will be honest...even though we removed sex from the equation early on...I still think that there was something more than friendship there...we did have more...I loved him dearly...

In reality maybe our story is more of a tragic love story than an amazing friendship story...because when it comes to men and women being friends, not only is it hard to remove the sex from the equation...it's hard to separate the "what if" or the "what we could be" out of the equation!

Now there are other ways that sex can be removed from the equation but the ones listed above are sure fire ways.

Age could also have something to do with it.

I have a dear friend and ex-business partner who is like a little brother to me (younger than my nephew!) so the friendship never had sex in the equation.

But for the most part if you are thinking: "Hey I have this guy friend and we are "just" friends..."

Chances are at one time or another both of you or at least one of you thought about it.

And more than likely secretly wants it.

You know the "just friends" until both of you are single and sometimes even when you're not.

I had a very good male friend who one day, after years of friendship....made the moves on me...we haven't been friends since...I miss him...

And it's because we NEVER took sex out of the equation.  So it festered over the years...until one day the "what ifs" and the "what we could be" took over.

This "confidant" friend thing is a load of bs too. If you are reaching out to a friend of the opposite sex to talk about your significant other you are "looking" for something outside the relationship. It might not (at first) be sex but it sure is a segue to it!

A good old hop, skip and a jump!

So when Mr. Selleck was in the middle of my living room at 11 o'clock at night texting someone with a smile and a laugh...I knew it wasn't his sister!

"Who are you texting?"

And after prodding he says: "My friend Lisa"

I can't really remember exactly what happened after that.  My mind only plays back certain moments.

We fought.

I think I threw a water bottle at him.

*Okay I know I threw a water bottle at him.

He didn't deny that it was a flirtatious text and he really didn't try too hard to smooth things over.

He actually said that he was taking things slow with us and didn't think things were that serious.

What?

I called him out on him mentioning marriage and his response was more shocking than his texting.

He declared: "When did I mention marriage?"

I tried to jog his memory and said: "When you said my "big decision"  would be having to decided whether I was going to say yes or no to your marriage proposal."

And he told me that didn't really count because he was mentioning it in reference to the psychic.

What?!?!?!??

I was floored.

After he left and even after I received his text stating that he wasn't going to let me say goodbye...I couldn't sleep...all I could think about was that he was sending another woman a flirtatious text...

Is she really "just" a friend?

Or a segue to the "what if"?

A segue to the "what we could be"...

A hop, skip and a jump to....

As predicted...

Mr. Selleck and I sauntered out of that quaint, spiritual shop in Montclair NJ, leaving the redheaded psychic and her predictions behind.

We found our way to a little Italian cafe for lunch.

As we sat sipping wine (Mr. Selleck and I enjoyed trying new wines) I started revealing some of the things the psychic saw in the cards...

And just as the redheaded psychic predicted, Mr. Selleck was "all on board"...

I  told him about her prediction that I would adopt a little Asian girl...

And he was "all on board"...

I told him about the dream I had with visions of Samuel...how it differed from what the cards predicted...

And he was "all on board"...

He was so "on board" with Samuel that he predicted my vision would come true. That I had the gift and the redheaded psychic...well she was a hack...

I went on to reveal that the redheaded psychic said she saw me pregnant and felt I would have both a child from my adoption and a child from birth...

Mr. Selleck...well...once again...he was "all on board"...

So "on board" that he wanted me to cycle again. I tried explaining the toll cycling takes on one's soul and the devastation of miscarriage but he just knew that it would work this time (if only I try....) because I now had the support of a man that loved me...I, of course, know better and told him I wasn't sure if I had the strength to try again.

I diverted the conversation...there is just something wrong with casually conversing about cycling with someone...someone who has no idea the pain it causes and no idea the post traumatic stress involved...even if that someone is "all on board".

Of course he inquired numerous times about what she said about him but I played it off...

And then...

Then...

I mentioned the mysterious "Big Decision"

And Mr. Selleck...well...you guessed it...

All on board!

He then declares:

"It will be whether or not you say yes or no!"

"Yes or no to what?"

My head ringing with the conductor yelling: "ALL ABOARD!!!"

"To whether or not you'll marry me!"

At that moment everything seemed to slow down...real slow...dreamlike slow...it felt like the moment  it took for me to respond was eternal.

Here I was looking at him...him...this man who less than two weeks ago blindsided me with his declaration that he couldn't commit was now sitting next to me mentioning marriage...

Could this be?

As predicted...("You won't be single for long!")

Could this really be?

Could it be that  the one part of "the dream" that I let slip away so long ago was sitting right next me?

I finally spoke:

"Well I guess we will have to wait and see."

Lunch went on. The conversation went on.

We made our way home to my place and made love all night (and aka fucked all night - I don't mean this in a crass way. There are some very strong connections when you are fucking too!).  Mr. Selleck and I had both that primal urge and the softer one...it was an erotic combination...

And that's pretty much how our nights continued to go...

Long slow kisses with Mr. Selleck on top of me...desperate grabs as he flipped me over and kissed the back of my neck...and an uncontrollable desire as he pulled me on top of him...

Our mornings were filled with love making too and afternoons were filled with texts of:

 "I love you!"

 "I miss you!"

 "I'm thinking of you!"

I remember after one of our nights  of pure erotic love making...

Mr. Selleck declaring that it was: "Mind blowing sex!"

And it was...mind blowing sex...

It's funny....I don't know if anyone could have predicted that kind of sex....mind blowing....

But another thing I don't think anyone could have predicted, not even the redheaded psychic , was how badly Mr. Selleck was really going to blow my mind!

It's in the cards...What does the psychic say.... Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

After the redheaded psychic  slowly exhaled filling the room with visions of butterflies, she gently released the energy holding the palms of my hands to hers and replaced it with the deck of tarot cards.

She then said:

"Think about all the questions you have and shuffle the cards."

I held the cards in my hands. I could feel their energy. I began shuffling the cards trying to focus on the things I wanted to know about...the questions I had...work, school, my adoption and of course Mr. Selleck.

Once I was done shuffling I cut the cards into three piles and then placed them back together into one.

The redheaded psychic began laying out the cards.

The different tarot card spreads (the way in which the reader lays out the cards) that I know are the Celtic Cross, which is a ten card spread focusing on one question and the Astrology spread, which is a 13 card spread that covers the 12 houses of astrology and a final card for the conclusion.

She used a different spread. One I had never seen before. I can't remember how many cards she put out but she laid them out in a square. Each side of the square representing a different season.

Once the cards had been carefully placed, the redheaded psychic then began studying there positions.

She went over different things the cards revealed giving me a general overview of what she saw.

She moved her hands to the area of the spread that represented spring and she said she saw good news coming in the spring. And I would receive this good news through a phone call that would change my life.

With each area (or at any time in the read) if I had additional questions she would take the remaining cards from the deck and then ask them for more insight on the subject.

I wanted to know more about my adoption but I didn't want to give the psychic too much information...so even though I myself had a very clear vision about my adoption and a little boy named Samuel...I asked her if she could see the gender...

She went to the cards...caressed them in her hands and quietly asked them for more information on my adoption...she flipped over three more cards...

And then she said:

"A girl!"

"A girl of Asian descent"

A girl?

Asian descent?

I then relived for her in detail the dream of Samuel.

She asked the cards one more time to show us the gender.  

She flipped one card...

As soon as I saw the card I knew...

The psychic smiled and said at the same time I did:

"A girl"

Interesting...

She said that I was contracted in this life for two children. That I was to be responsible for two souls...

It was then that I mentioned my infertility.

She said she saw me pregnant and not to be surprised if I had both a pregnancy and my adoption...

And as much I was enjoying her reading, I think she only said that because I mentioned my infertility...

It's a knee jerk reaction that people (even psychics) have when you tell them you can't have children...

It's the old "Oh it will happen."

I didn't want to burst her psychic bubble by telling her it literally (unless I turned out to be Mary and Mr. Selleck was indeed Joseph) was impossible.

I have no eggs and Mr. Selleck has no sperm. We are the perfect couple...a match made in heaven!

Even if by some miracle I did have "one good egg" left, Mr. Selleck had a vasectomy years before I met him...yeah I'm no psychic but my innate intuition is saying...impossible!

Then the reading turned to Mr. Selleck...

She said she saw a strong connection between the two of us, like we've known each other for a long time but in actuality we didn't. She saw that our relationship was new.

Now I didn't tell her anything about Mr. Selleck...how long we had been seeing each other...our connection...his recent break-up and his breaking things off with me and getting back together just days before...she knew none of this...

But it was all there in the cards...because you can't hide from the cards...

She said saw some "new" relationship issues that we would have to go through but they would work themselves out.

She said Mr. Selleck would be all on board with my adoption and not to worry.

She said that I wouldn't be "single" for long.

All the things she was telling me was exactly what I wanted to hear about Mr. Selleck.

I was afraid the cards were going to show Mr. Selleck pulling the same thing again and telling me he couldn't commit.

I was afraid that Mr. Selleck would leave again...

But the cards were in my favor...

Now there was a bit of a mystery in my reading too...

A big decision...

The redheaded psychic saw that sometime towards the end of the summer, beginning of next fall I would have to make a big decision...

I had no idea what that decision could be...

She returned to the cards imploring them to give us more insight on what this decision could be...

The cards would not give an answer...

The card are funny like that sometimes...basically their answer is...you will just have to wait and see.

I will just have to wait and see...

Now as the redheaded psychic was finishing the reading...she took one more look, closed her eyes and then opened them. When she did she went on to give me a little more insight on Mr. Selleck. 

She said Mr. Selleck would need to "go off" on his own sometimes...have these little "trips" as she put it where he would need to be by himself...

"Don't worry" she said.

"Give that to him."

"He is with you 100%!"

But the real question I neglected to ask her was if I would be with him 100%...

Butterflies...

When was the last time you had butterflies?

Where the thought of someone or something made your insides all a flutter?

It seems the older we get the less times butterflies visit our being filling us with anticipation and excitement.

I guess I could say at the beginning of my TTC journey...at the moment in the cycle when it all became possible...insemination or transfer day...I would have butterflies...an anticipation or excitement of what could be...but after years of disappointment those butterflies turned to dread.

Butterflies symbolize transformation, rebirth and renewal.

My very first tattoo was of a butterfly and recently in memory of my lost babies, I have a tattoo collection of butterflies and dragonflies.

They represent transformation, rebirth, renewal...

And when we get the butterflies fluttering around inside...it's because we know that there can be a transformation into all these wonderful possibilities.

A transformation into all things possible and all we have ever dreamed of...

I think that's what attracted me to Mr. Selleck...the possibility of an amazing transformation that I saw for us...he gave me butterflies...a feeling that I haven't had in over 10 years...

And I think that is why I was so addicted to cycling...the possibility of a transformation...before the butterflies turned to dread...

When I stopped cycling (and hey the jury is still out on this one because the pangs of addiction run deep)...when I stopped cycling...I didn't know what to do with myself...I had lost my purpose...

When Mr. Selleck walked out the door...those butterflies turned loose inside of me...instead of being a flutter of possibilities it was a constant beating of their wings...an almost unsettling fury of fluttering going on inside of me...turning to dread.

And I recognized what that was...it was heartache...and I did know heartache...but this was a completely different kind of heartache than TTC...one that I had forgot existed because I protected myself so well...              

I thought about him every day (and I still do think about him every day).

I couldn't imagine not seeing him again and yet he was gone.

I couldn't imagine him not feeling the same way I did either...but I had to try to calm the butterflies...quiet the dread and move on.

He made the choice and it was out of my hands.

My first thought was to  immediately start dating again...

You know the old saying: "The best way to get over a man is to get under another"

So I decided that was what I was going to do...

But it really doesn't work that way...

I couldn't see myself with anyone but Mr. Selleck...he was the only one I wanted to be under...and that makes moving on very hard.

Plus trying to date is a nightmare...

I manage to set up a first date...a first date with someone who wasn't my Mr. Selleck...he was more of a Tom Hanks...and there is nothing wrong with a Tom Hanks...

One night Mr. Selleck and I were watching TV. Mr. Selleck was flipping through the channels and stopped on some movie from the early '90s.

And for the life of me I cannot think of the name of the movie or the actress but she says:

"When I was in high school I wanted Tom Hanks to be my boyfriend"

And Mr. Selleck said:

"Really! Tom Hanks!"

And I replied: "Oh most definitely! Tom Hanks is stable. Tom Hanks is solid."

So Tom Hanks is not a bad thing...it's just...

I didn't have butterflies...

I set up my first date with Mr. Hanks on the same day I was going to meet the redheaded psychic. I would have my reading and then meet Mr. Hanks for lunch.

Then 3 days before my date and before meeting the psychic, Mr. Selleck text me...

"I've been thinking about you."

I wanted to be like: "Too bad!" but instead I text back:

"I miss you!"

And just like that the butterflies were back...

And just like that me and Mr. Selleck were back...

When Saturday came, Mr. Selleck and I revisited the scene of our second date...we went to that little spiritual shop in the quaint town of Montclair, NJ.

While Mr. Selleck waited for me outside, I walked down a set of stairs into a quiet little room and sat down at a tarot card table strewn with scarves.

The redheaded psychic sat across from me and smiled.

She then asked me to place the palms of my hands face up.

She placed the palms of her hands face down on top of mine.

She said she wanted to feel my energy.

She closed her eyes. I watched her as she slowly pulled the air out of the room and into her being. I could feel the energy pulsating between the palms of our hands and then quietly, as she released the air back into the room, almost in a whisper she declared:

"Butterflies"

"I see butterflies"

The Tarot Cards...

The concept of someone being able to get a glimpse into your future...the concept of prophets , psychics, and fortune tellers has been intriguing human beings since the beginning of time...

The idea that someone has an "in"...a way to know the unknown...

Who wouldn't sign up for that!!

And these prophets, psychics, fortune tellers have been portrayed throughout time in as many ways as the mind can dream up futures...

The prophets had a direct line to God. Hearing his word and spreading that word to the masses.

Psychics relied on their ESP to connect and see the future.

And well fortune tellers...they just relied on psychology to fool the fools...

We've all seen the movies with the fortune teller carefully laying out the tarot cards only to flip over the "dreaded" Death card and the poor recipient of this fortune was doomed to a fate worse than...you get the point...

And that is how I pretty much view the tarot cards, as some kind of charlatan's parlor trick.

I do believe in spiritual forces that can't be explained and I do believe that there are those amongst us who are more perceptive and in tune with their spirituality...

But tarot cards...no...it wasn't until I actually received a pack of tarot cards as a gift did I start to truly understand their gift...

And it was the "giver" of this gift that made me stop and explore the tarot.

My birthday is August 30th. Throughout my whole life many would wish me happy birthday on August 31st...including my own family!

There I would be, sitting around on my birthday, waiting for the phones calls or texts and they wouldn't come...I'd be disappointed wonder why this person or that person didn't call me on my birthday and  inevitably I would get the call the next day...

"Happy Birthday!!!"

"My birthday was yesterday."

"Really? Really? I thought it was today. The 31st right?"

"No my birthday is the 30th."

And so on and year after year...

It had gotten to the point where I even checked my own birth certificate to confirm my August 30th birth date!

Now,  almost 30 years ago, Sissy L was pregnant with her first child and she was due at the end of August.

I kept telling Sissy L that she had to have the baby on my birthday...she just had to...

On August 31st Sissy L gave birth to my 1st niece Jay and for the last time MY BIRTHDAY IS THE 30TH!!

My birthday is the 30th and my niece's birthday is the 31st.

Flash forward and I don't even know exactly how old Jay was (8 maybe ?) but Sissy L was in the book store and made a comment that she had  to pick up a birthday present for me.

Jay in her youthful innocence picked up a pack of tarot cards and insisted that be my birthday gift.

I remember sitting outside on the deck at my mom's house, celebrating both mine and Jay's birthday...Sissy L handing me my gift...opening it and saying:

"Tarot cards? Really Sissy!"

And Sissy L declaring:

"Jay picked those out for you!"

And I sincerely told her:

"It is the best present I've ever received."

It was because it was from her.

I started researching and learning the tarot.

I could write a whole post on how fascinating the tarot cards are...and what an amazing, rich history they have...and I just might do that one day...but for now I will leave it at this...

Did you know our regular deck of playing cards come from the tarot cards?

And the Death card DOES NOT mean death! It means rebirth...like the phoenix rising up from its own ashes...

Take some time...research them...I am sure you will be fascinated...

Is there something mystical, magical about them?

There can be...and I have experienced some of that...I can tell you there have been times where I have shuffled those cards...I mean really shuffled them...all 78 cards and pulled the same card over and over again...

But what I think it really is...it is your subconscious at play. For the most part I believe we already know the answers to our questions because we are in tune with ourselves and we just need to bring that to the forefront of our consciousness.  And since we subconsciously know the answer, it is our subconscious that picks the appropriate card for the question at hand.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned from the tarot cards is that your subconscious always comes through. You can't hide from what you know deep down inside and if the tarots are a reflection of that...then you can't hide from the tarots.

The cards will always give you away...

And just how much they give away I learned one Thanksgiving...

I would bring my tarot cards to family get-togethers or to a girls night and do readings for friends and family.

Because the cards will always reveal what's going on deep down inside of you...one of the rules when reading tarot cards is to ask the seeker (the person getting the read) if they would like the reading to be done privately...things might come out that they don't want others to know...

The other rule is...read the cards as is...good, bad and all that's buried underneath...never "throw" a read...whether you are doing it privately or with others in the room.

Well on this particular Thanksgiving my stepdad asked for a card reading. I asked if he would like me to do a private reading and he said no.

He shuffled the cards, cut the cards, picked the cards from the deck and I laid out the spread...

And in that instant...I knew...

With one look at the cards...I knew...

I knew he was cheating on my mother...

I went on to "throw" the read...

With my mother sitting right there I couldn't say what the cards were telling me...but he knew, I knew...

They divorced not too long after that.

There is no hiding from the cards and now I wanted the cards to tell me what I knew deep down inside but needed their help  bringing it to the surface for me to see. 

But  having this knowledge of the tarot and having experienced the magic and honesty of the tarot firsthand, I am extra cynical (who me!) when it comes to tarot card readers.

Either way I was looking forward to finding out what my reading would unveil.

There were many questions I wanted to ask.

Questions ranging from work, to school, to my adoption and of course questions about Mr. Selleck.

I knew deep down that me and Mr. Selleck had a connection...a connection stronger than I have felt in a long time...and I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to our story...

But what I didn't know was that on the day I sat down in front of the redheaded psychic  looking for answers hidden deep down inside, that Mr. Selleck would be going with me...and that we were experiencing a rebirth of our own...