So this is how it ends??

Another prayer that has been on top of my Greatest Prayers Hit Parade as of late has been:

"God please make this end.  It has to stop. "

And it does...

have to stop...

And it does...

have to end...

I can't keep putting myself through this pain.

But I will be the first to admit that I don't know how to make it stop and I am not sure if I have the strength to end it.

When I was with Sio we were planning all the things a couple should be planning...marriage, a home, children but here's the thing...Sio was 10 years younger than me and he wasn't remotely ready for any of it! (On a side note, today he is married with a new baby and I still question his readiness, even now 9 years later!).

I remember telling one of my girlfriends that I was going to marry him and she grabbed me by the arm and looked me directly in the eye and said: "Don't! Don't marry him!"

And I am pretty sure on some level I knew...I knew our relationship wasn't meant to go that far but I couldn't stop. I couldn't leave him. The thought of leaving him, even though I knew it was what I HAD to do, put a pain in my heart. A pain I didn't want to face.

And as time went on and the addiction grew, that same friend said to me: "The only way this ends is if you end it!"

I knew she was right.

The only way it would end is if I ended it...so I did.

One night Sio and I had a huge fight and I ended it.

The very next day he showed up to my work. He was sitting at the outside patio bar and as I walked inside he gave me this wink and smile.  I knew that if I went outside to where he was, we'd be back together.

I knew if it was going to end I had to end it.

On Sunday, 9 dp 3dt I got a positive pregnancy test.

The next day I got another positive pregnancy test.

But on both tests the line was faint and with each subsequence test I took, the line did not get darker.

I knew what this meant.

12 dp 3dt my beta came back a 19.

Too low.

Today it came back a 7.

It's over.

It is officially another chemical pregnancy.

I need this to stop!

Please God make it stop....

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have 4 embryos left.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart. A pain I don't want to face.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have now failed my last 6 cycles...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Six failed cycles since my last miscarriage. Is it even fair to these embryos? I have spent the better part of the last 2 years doing transfer after transfer and nothing...well 2 chemical pregnancies...maybe those little embryos would have a better shot with someone else.

Four pregnancies...no baby...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Because it appears that my uterus is the place that embryos go to die...  

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart...

A  pain I don't want to face...

But the only way this ends is if I end it...

We don’t get fooled again!!

What are the chances...

I DON’T BELIEVE IN SIGNS!!

After my 2nd IVF cycle failed I was crushed. I believed every last leaf blowing in the wind to be some kind of sign that I was pregnant. Now to be fair I did have some compelling signs but alas (I always wanted to use the word alas in a sentence!) they were just mere coincidences.

So now when I came home the other night and I found a package on my doorstep address to me and that package was a free sample of Similac Baby Formula I have to make sure that I DO NOT TAKE IT AS A SIGN!!

I sometimes participate in focus groups for extra money. You have to qualify for the focus group. To determine your eligibility they conduct a survey. When I went online to take the latest survey and that survey had questions like: “Are you a first time mother?” “Are you currently pregnant?” etc. I said to myself: I REFUSE TO TAKE THAT AS A SIGN!! And the fact that I (without hesitation) answered yes to those questions DOES NOT MEAN IT IS A SIGN!!

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend…

AND I DON’T BELIEVE ANY SYMPTOMS OR NON SYMPTOMS!!

In order to “not get fooled again” I will be spending my 2ww talking myself off the ledge! For whatever I am feeling or not feeling, I will give the symptom and a logical explanation. For those of you at home you can play along and enter your symptom and logical explanation!

My boobs are sore – Why yes, yes they are! That is because you are shoving progesterone up your cookie 3 times a day!!! Or it’s because you won’t stop touching them!!

My boobs look veiny – Your natural skin tone is a purplish pink. It takes you a weeks worth of tanning just to get white. Of course your boobs look veiny! You are clear! You can see every vein coursing through your body!

I feel twinges – IT’S PROBABLY GAS once again from the progesterone that is leaking out of every pore!! Or at least leaking out of your cookie non-stop every day all day long!!

I have some craps – Which is probably a giant poop! WHICH IS FROM THE GAS! Which is from the progesterone!!

I have heartburn – Ever since you turned 35 you ALWAYS HAVE HEARTBURN! Go to a doctor already for Christ’s sake!!

I can’t stop eating – Yeah dexamethasone will do that to you! *It’s a steroid that they put you on at the start of your IVF cycle. I have been on it for over a month now and I have the extra weight to prove it! So all day long I am shoveling food down my throat!

My cervix feels high – Quit playing with yourself!! Or at least checking…you have no idea what you are looking for so stop it!

I got a zit on my chin – Well you have been shoveling crap food down your throat for the last month. It was bound to catch up with you!

I’m tired – You work two jobs (really three) and you have had this workaholic behavior all your life so you are ALWAYS tired!!

The Math is NOT in my favor – Really? Do you really know every women going through IVF at the same time as you so you can actually statistically determine whether it will work for you or not? You’re not Doing the Math! You’re guessing the Math!

I’m feeling frisky – Which leads me to believe Leroy is on his way and it didn’t work. Or it’s because you keep touching yourself!! No wonder you’re frisky!!

I don’t feel anything – It’s microscopic!! How are you supposed to feel microscopic?

I don’t have any symptoms and all the other women who got BFPs felt twinges or cramps or sore boobs – Yeah they probably did and most likely it was GAS, causing a GIANT POOP, they were touching themselves or it is all a side effect from too much progesterone that they all mistook as a symptom!!

I did 3 IVF cycles and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt:

Maybe what should happen is on the day you get your transfer, as soon as the RE puts your little embabies back you hear either a “Ding, Ding, Ding…” bell signaling that it worked or a loud “EEEETTTT” or “Whomp, whomp, whomp” indicating defeat.

This way you know. You know right away. It really is like spinning a wheel except you have to wait 2 weeks before the wheel stops.

If only you could know as soon as you transfer, this way you wouldn’t be analyzing every little zit and every little shit and every little fart in the wind as being some kind of sign!

Mamma said, PUPO and Firemen?

This will be my 2nd post that I felt the need to put a disclaimer on. All I have to say is that this post is full of TMI!!

Giving myself a helping hand:

After my disastrous ER I called my mom. My mom always knows the right things to say. She immediately made me feel better.

But there was one thing I never thought I would hear her say.

The next day I called my mom to give her my fertilization report. All three of my embryos fertilized. We were thrilled. I told her my transfer would be on Thursday and then she says the “unsayable” to me:

Mom: “Remember the last time it said on your instructions that you should have sex the night before your transfer”

Me: “Ummm…Yes?”

Mom: “Well I think you should do it.”

Me: “HUH!!”

Mom: “You know. Give yourself an orgasm.”

Me: “MOM!!”

Mom: “No seriously. I think there is something to it. Maybe it makes you more relaxed or does something in the uterus to help the embryos stick. You really should do it. What could it hurt? What’s the worst that could happen…you get an orgasm?”

That is a conversation I never thought I would have with my mom.

Now I know they say you AREN’T supposed to have intercourse and/or orgasms AFTER your transfer but they do recommend intercourse the night BEFORE your transfer…hmmmm….maybe there is something to it…so…

The night before my transfer I was lying on the couch watching TV and I started thinking about what my mom said. I was like:

“Should I?”

“Shouldn’t I?”

“I could?”

“Am I in the mood?”

“A little”.

“I could.”

“Like mom said…What could it hurt?”

“Hmmm I could….”

So I did…and I was pleasantly surprised because it was quick and efficient and quite pleasurable.

Then I went back and read my instructions:

Have intercourse in the evening prior to embryo transfer, but only if you are feeling comfortable. The prostaglandins in the sperm are believed to help with implantation.

The what in the what? In the sperm…what?…ohhhhhh… it has nothing to do with the BIG O!

Now you might be saying to yourself: “You could have checked the instructions before you did the deed” and yes that is true but just like Mama said: “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Give me a P!!! Give me a U!!! Give me a P!!! Give me an O!!!

Yes, as of 12:45 Thursday afternoon I became officially PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). And it actually feels good. There were so many times in this cycle where I really thought I wasn’t even going to make it to transfer. But I did and Dr. Wow transferred all 3 embryos. He told me that my embabies looked really good. That one was a Grade 1 (that is the best!) and 2 were Grade 2 (2nd best!). This is the 1st time I got a Grade 1. It really made me happy to know that I might have a chance.

I know what you did last night…

The procedure was pretty smooth. But there was a small part of me that was thinking: “Can he tell?” I mean he is right there. Is it possible to tell?

There was one moment in the transfer when I thought things weren’t going well. When you have a transfer the RE places the embryos into your uterus but using a catheter that needs to be threaded through your cervix. They do an external ultrasound on your abdomen and it is that ultrasound screen the RE looks at for placement. You need to have a full bladder because it increases visibility on the ultrasound.

When they started the procedure, Dr. Wow looked up at the ultrasound screen and says: “Your bladder really isn’t that full” and for a split second I swear I thought he was going to say: “Did you have an orgasm last night?”

I was like: “Really, I drank a lot of water.”

He said: “It’s okay. I can see but I’m having a hard time getting a picture for you.”

I told him: “I really didn’t care if you get the picture as long as you get the embryos in”

AND I thought to myself “And long as you can tell what I did last night!”

Burning down the house…

Well not exactly but at 8:30pm Thursday night my Carbon Monoxide detector started going off. I silenced it. It went off again. I silenced it again. I did have this happen one other time. The alarm went off on Thanksgiving and the battery was dead BUT I changed the battery after that and it hasn’t gone off since. So why is it going off now? I opened the windows. It kept going off. I waited 20 minutes. I was still going off. I very apologetically called 911. I was advised to get out and wait for the fire department. I really didn’t want the whole big scene but I didn’t have any choice. They were on their way. I went outside and waited. The firemen came. 4 to be exact and 1 police officer. I kept apologizing because I felt like an ass calling them but I wanted to be safe. I wanted to go to bed but more importantly I wanted to wake up in the morning. After all I was PUPO. I had to think of my little embabies too.

They checked out my condo with their gadgets. It was negative for any presence of Carbon Monoxide. So why was my alarm going off? Then the one fireman told me that my alarm was over 10 years old and needed to be replaced. Basically my alarm was broken. I really felt like an idiot then. I smiled and apologized again as they filed out.

Now I am not sure but I doubt they were all as hot as I made them out to be in my head but if I wasn’t PUPO I might have helped myself out again!!