So this is how it ends??

Another prayer that has been on top of my Greatest Prayers Hit Parade as of late has been:

"God please make this end.  It has to stop. "

And it does...

have to stop...

And it does...

have to end...

I can't keep putting myself through this pain.

But I will be the first to admit that I don't know how to make it stop and I am not sure if I have the strength to end it.

When I was with Sio we were planning all the things a couple should be planning...marriage, a home, children but here's the thing...Sio was 10 years younger than me and he wasn't remotely ready for any of it! (On a side note, today he is married with a new baby and I still question his readiness, even now 9 years later!).

I remember telling one of my girlfriends that I was going to marry him and she grabbed me by the arm and looked me directly in the eye and said: "Don't! Don't marry him!"

And I am pretty sure on some level I knew...I knew our relationship wasn't meant to go that far but I couldn't stop. I couldn't leave him. The thought of leaving him, even though I knew it was what I HAD to do, put a pain in my heart. A pain I didn't want to face.

And as time went on and the addiction grew, that same friend said to me: "The only way this ends is if you end it!"

I knew she was right.

The only way it would end is if I ended it...so I did.

One night Sio and I had a huge fight and I ended it.

The very next day he showed up to my work. He was sitting at the outside patio bar and as I walked inside he gave me this wink and smile.  I knew that if I went outside to where he was, we'd be back together.

I knew if it was going to end I had to end it.

On Sunday, 9 dp 3dt I got a positive pregnancy test.

The next day I got another positive pregnancy test.

But on both tests the line was faint and with each subsequence test I took, the line did not get darker.

I knew what this meant.

12 dp 3dt my beta came back a 19.

Too low.

Today it came back a 7.

It's over.

It is officially another chemical pregnancy.

I need this to stop!

Please God make it stop....

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have 4 embryos left.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart. A pain I don't want to face.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have now failed my last 6 cycles...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Six failed cycles since my last miscarriage. Is it even fair to these embryos? I have spent the better part of the last 2 years doing transfer after transfer and nothing...well 2 chemical pregnancies...maybe those little embryos would have a better shot with someone else.

Four pregnancies...no baby...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Because it appears that my uterus is the place that embryos go to die...  

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart...

A  pain I don't want to face...

But the only way this ends is if I end it...

The Meaning of Hope Part I

In starting my final "final" attempt at getting pregnant, I am also going to a new clinic.

Well kinda...it's a new/old clinic.

I actually went back to Dr. Period aka Dr. Bumbles.

Dr. Period is a doctor known for having success with women with high FSH and DOR. And a man who dictates when he talks. Yes, he literally ends each sentence saying out loud the punctuation.

"We are going to run some tests and do an ultrasound PERIOD."

"Once I review the results we will decide on your protocol PERIOD."

Weird!

And freakin hysterical because the first time I talked with him I thought that when he said PERIOD he meant Leroy!! That he meant menstruation...Ha! And RE that says PERIOD!!

I went to him 2 years ago so I could be placed on the clinics donor embryo list. This clinic is also known for its donor embryo program and I wanted to have a back-up plan to my back up plan.

And it is with this back-up to my back-up I have decided try my final (and this time I mean final) attempt.

I have had so many failures since my miscarriage.  Five to be exact. Negative HTP after negative HTP and then the heartbreaking BFP...wait...no...BFN...known as a chemical pregnancy.  But I was always trying something different with each new cycle until I ran out of things to try...except for trying a new clinic.

So back to Dr. Period it is and my final "final" attempt with donor embryos.

 BUT here's the catch...

The doctor I am seeing there isn't Dr. Period.

Hmmm who could it be?

Wait for it....

It's  Dr. CORNY!!!  

Dr. Corny from my old, old clinic (crap how many clinics have I been to??) who was partners with Dr. Wow.  I was not a fan of Dr. Corny and his ever so chipper southern charm then:

"How y'all doing today? Yer just gonna put yer feet up in these stirrups right here." 

Puke!

And now it seems like I can't get away from this guy.

But I am grateful for one more try...one more chance...one more...just one more...

Gratefulness looks back. Hope looks forward with desire and reasonable confidence and expectation. By looking back, gratitude fuels forward-looking hope.

Dr. Corny is making me repeat a lot of tests I mean A LOT of tests...which is fine.

I would love for them to see my results say: "AHHH HAAA!!!! There's the problem!"  But they haven't found anything (so far) contributing to my failures.

In order to get all of these test done (and covered) I also did 2 IUIs. My insurance covers unlimited IUIs...how asinine is that! Healthcare insurance is just so mismanaged on so many levels! No I will not start a healthcare rant BUT I will tell you this...I will be doing an IUI at 50! Why? Because these morons will cover it that's why! 

Okay moving on...

So I did 2 IUIs in preparation for my upcoming donor embryo cycle.

I didn't expect them to work. I have a better chance of winning powerball but...

As with over-matched ball teams that are behind late in the game, hanging their heads without oomph, without hope for the future, there isn’t power for the present.

But there was this little spark inside of me. This spark that has been missing and somehow reignited.

I knew those IUIs wouldn't work but in my head I started imagining "what if".

And isn't that hope?

Of course they both failed.

But that's okay...I got something from them...a spark...some hope...

I was at my mother's hanging out right after the 2nd IUI failed and I said: "I knew that it wasn't going to work. I knew it but I still hoped that it would."

And my mom said: "Of course you did. Hope is why we keep on living. Without hope what's the point."

Hmmm....

Without hope what's the point....

And I realized that even though I feel like I've lost all hope.

Even though I have been struggling with my beliefs...

I realized that I must have hope.

More hope than you could imagine!

I must have a shit load of hope because I keep on going.  

A shit load!

On a side note - I wonder where the expression "shit load" came from.  I can just see some trucker with a truck load of manure..."Hey buddy whatcha hauling?"...."A shit load!"

But I must have a shit load!

I keep trying!

Why else would I keep putting myself through this hell if I didn't have hope?

Persons who tend not to be grateful tend not to be hopeful.

And I am grateful! I am grateful that Dr. Corny is running all these tests. I am grateful for my Hail Mary IUIs and I am grateful that I have a back-up plan to my back-up plan.

And crap...as much as I hate to admit it...I am hopeful!

Cycle #16 here I come and I hope beyond hope that this is the one...otherwise what is the point?

What’s behind door Number One and Great Expectations!

This is the part of the journey where it gets a little tricky. Where things get a little complicated. Where everything I want to share with the world are the same things I wish to keep private.

I think it’s important to open up, reach out and share what I am feeling and how I am finding the strength to move forward.

I used to sit and wonder (okay maybe cry, scream and beg) why is this happening to me? What is the reason for all this pain? Why me? Why would God do this to me? What possible reason could ever be acceptable?

And through writing…exploring through words my anger, sadness, fears and hopes. I started to find a way to release the pain.

And then I started to share my journey. And something more amazing happened; I started to connect to others.

And I think I found the reason.

Connection…I think that is the reason.

To connect with others and hopefully, possible help someone who is facing the same things I am.

Could that be the reason I’ve had to go through what I am going through? I have been known to say that the reason usually sucks or that there really isn’t a good reason. But throughout this journey I have started thinking of the purpose. What is the purpose? What am I supposed to do?

So maybe my purpose, the reason I have been going through all of this is to reach out and connect with others on a different level.

A level of understanding.

But it gets tricky.

I am going to be a mom someday and someday my child will be able to read. I want what I share with the world to be exactly what I am ready to share with my child and not a moment before.

So for now all I am going to say is that:

Yes. Yes, I am in a cycle.

Last we knew I was on a list for donor embryos, on a list for donor eggs and preparing to do an IUI cycle with Dr. Period. Dr. Period by the way turned into Dr. Quack, well more like Dr. Bumbles. Just like the Wizard of Oz, he was nothing more than an average man behind a curtain.

Which bring me to my decision…I decided that I would take whatever came first…whatever was behind door Number One I would do without question…

Whether it turns out to be donor embryos, donor eggs or my long awaited cycle with Dr. Bumbles …that is what I will do!

And that is what I did. I took what was behind door Number One and I now am scared and nervous and so afraid of striking out again.

I am afraid to talk about…I fear jinxing it.

And most of all I am afraid to let my expectations get too high.

I am afraid of great expectations…

The greater the expectation…the greater fall.

Because really when a contestant does pick door Number One you know they are expecting to win something amazing…wouldn’t it just suck if it was only a toaster!

We’re off to see the wizard...

The last time we were discussing my journey, I had decided to change paths…again!

I decided to follow the “yellow brick road” and follow my dreams of motherhood from conception to birth and onward…

I pray that someday I will be able to adopt too. I hold that dear to my heart but for now I’ve decided to head off to see the wizard and find a treatment for me…

Dr. Wow and Dr. Period

MY Dr. Wow… the RE who I felt would be the one to get me pregnant…the RE who renewed my hope after Dr. Doom and my miscarriage…well Dr. Wow turned into Dr. Douche. And it wasn’t because he told me I wasn’t pregnant. He told me that before. It was something he said just before we hung up. He quickly blamed the failed cycles on my age and my eggs (I expected that). He made some comment about this being my last try (since I paid for 3 cycles) and then said that I could do donor eggs. And none of that really bothered me. I was a little bothered that it felt like he was kicking me to the curb…like “Oh you bought three cycles and…Strike one…Strike two…Strike three…YOU’RE OUT!!” And I knew the donor egg speech was coming. It was what he said after he recommended donor eggs that really pissed me off…and I’m going to paraphrase here but he said something like “But donor eggs are expensive and since you’re single you might not want to spend the money. Let me know and I’ll be glad to discuss it with you” and click he hung up. And I immediately thought “Really douche bag! You’re going to tell me how to spend my money…Mr. Drives an Audi TT!” “My ass helped pay for your damn Audi and if I want to make another RE rich I will!! But I know one thing for sure…I will NOT be lining your coiffeurs anymore!!” And POOF just like that my prince turned into a toad…or more like a tool!!

So now I had to find a clinic that didn’t charge more than my future child’s college tuition to get me pregnant.

And that’s when I came across Dr. Period.

You see one of my other options is donor embryos. There aren’t many clinics that offer this but I found one that did. BUT (and there is always a “but”. I really think BUT and BUTT should be spelled the same!! b/c in actuality they mean the same...you're ass out of something!) BUT you have to be a patient of this clinic in order to be put on their donor embryo list.

So I made an appointment. And after sitting in the waiting room for almost 2 hours and threatening to walk out I finally sat down with Dr. Period.

You see, I was mad…okay I was f&%king pissed and in total bitch mode by now and I walked in a told him that he has wasted enough of my time and I will not waste anymore of his BUT (and once again it should be BUTT) he sucked me in. He started talking quickly about all the things that he thought went wrong with my cycles…things I thought too but had no basis for my opinion until now.

And at the end of every sentence he would say “Period” like he was dictating (which it turns out he was) BUT (with two “T’s”) I didn’t realize it at first and it was really weird.

“I think your last clinic over medicated you Period”

“If I was going to treat you I would do minimal or no meds Period”

“I think I can get you pregnant with an IUI Period”

And Dr. Period said the magic words…”get you pregnant”.

He was talking with an IUI. He was talking my own eggs.

And it was almost like that magic phrase: “There’s no place like home.”

I kept repeating it over and over.

And I felt like Dorothy…all full of hope…knowing that the wizard was going to bring me home…

BUTT could he….

Perception…

Is perception reality? And if we change our perception do we then change that reality?

At the very least I know that if we change our perception of a situation then we do indeed change our reality. We might not change other people’s reality but we will change ours and that is what I had to do. I had to change my perception on donor eggs.

I looked at donor eggs as a selfish endeavor. I thought that if I was going to use donor eggs and donor sperm that it would be a selfish act solely so that I could experience pregnancy, so that I could carry a child, so I could experience childbirth and so I could love and raise a child from birth.

I perceived them as selfish motives…in my mind…all selfish desires.

If I was going to use donor eggs and donor sperm than I should adopt. It was somehow my obligation.

But why would my desires to be pregnant, carry a child, give birth to a child and raise them from birth be anymore selfish than someone who wasn’t struggle with infertility? Any more selfish than any woman who has a bared child?

For myself, I perceived it as selfish. For anyone else I didn’t.

Pictures of me…
Remind us all of what could have been:

“I thought I had to have life growing inside of me to be a mother. Little did I know that the life growing in Africa could turn out to grow inside of me larger than I could imagine.”

That was a statement I wrote as I started to prepare for my homestudy. And that is the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be bigger than myself and my own selfish needs. I wanted to reach out and make a difference in this world. I wanted to be the type of woman novels are written about and think about it; couldn’t you just hear Oprah reading the lines above in awe…

And I still do want to be that woman. I know my heart is big enough and I was ashamed that I couldn’t let go of the desire to be pregnant.

But my desire to be pregnant is so strong. I want to carry a child. It’s something that I can’t let go of not even for Africa.

Then one day I was discussing this with one of my dear friends from college, who has 2 children of her own, she said to me, plain and simple:

“Why would you ever deny yourself that?”

And with that simple statement my perception started to shift.

I still want to adopt someday.

But adoption should only be done for the love of that child not because one perceives that they should…

Adoption to me is noble. It is stepping outside of you, reaching out to embrace a child.

It is noble.

But so is the woman who donates her eggs. She is noble. She is giving the most amazing gift.

I know there are many who might say “But there is financial compensation” and yes, that is true but what I am finding is that is secondary to most donors.

Two friends of mine have also offered to be my donor and that moves me beyond belief. That they would be willing to do such a wonderful, selfless act inspires me.

Everything happens for a reason even if the reason does suck but what I think I need to be focusing on now is the purpose behind the reason and maybe that purpose is of a higher nature.

Maybe the purpose is to allow someone to be noble for me.

I will adopt someday and become that person I perceive myself to be but for now I think my purpose is to accept this truly miraculous gift.

Back to the Future

Back to the Future...

It is time for me to allow the past to reside in its appropriate era. It's time to embrace the present and begin taking steps towards my future. It's time to get back to the future by getting back to my plans for the future. Getting back to my journey to motherhood.

So much has happened leading up to my last cycle and so much has changed in the aftermath of its failure. I have changed.

I know that change is what keeps your life moving forward but to be perfectly honest; I hate change. Change is what has to occur when things don’t work out the way you planned or when life throws you a curve ball. Yeah, I think change sucks. But change is inevitable.

Change happens without warning. One moment you are on a path. Your path. The path you chose and it leads you to a dead end. And then something has to change.

So you find a new path; an Alternative Path and then for some reason you find yourself stuck; unable to walk down that path and once again you have to change.

Change paths. Change direction. Or make a U-turn and get back on the same path you were on.

In order for me to get back to the future, I need to get back on track. I need to get back on my path.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program...

I also need to get everyone up to speed on what has been going on amidst all this change. So I will spend the next couple of posts navigating through all this change…

All this change which has made me stop going down one path and considering other paths. All this change which has me trying to find footing. All this changed which started with non-stop crying and a heartbreaking decision to postpone my Alternate Path, advanced forward with an opening of my mind and heart to the idea of a donor plan and concluded with an appointment with Dr. Period...

Stay tuned...