So this is how it ends??

Another prayer that has been on top of my Greatest Prayers Hit Parade as of late has been:

"God please make this end.  It has to stop. "

And it does...

have to stop...

And it does...

have to end...

I can't keep putting myself through this pain.

But I will be the first to admit that I don't know how to make it stop and I am not sure if I have the strength to end it.

When I was with Sio we were planning all the things a couple should be planning...marriage, a home, children but here's the thing...Sio was 10 years younger than me and he wasn't remotely ready for any of it! (On a side note, today he is married with a new baby and I still question his readiness, even now 9 years later!).

I remember telling one of my girlfriends that I was going to marry him and she grabbed me by the arm and looked me directly in the eye and said: "Don't! Don't marry him!"

And I am pretty sure on some level I knew...I knew our relationship wasn't meant to go that far but I couldn't stop. I couldn't leave him. The thought of leaving him, even though I knew it was what I HAD to do, put a pain in my heart. A pain I didn't want to face.

And as time went on and the addiction grew, that same friend said to me: "The only way this ends is if you end it!"

I knew she was right.

The only way it would end is if I ended it...so I did.

One night Sio and I had a huge fight and I ended it.

The very next day he showed up to my work. He was sitting at the outside patio bar and as I walked inside he gave me this wink and smile.  I knew that if I went outside to where he was, we'd be back together.

I knew if it was going to end I had to end it.

On Sunday, 9 dp 3dt I got a positive pregnancy test.

The next day I got another positive pregnancy test.

But on both tests the line was faint and with each subsequence test I took, the line did not get darker.

I knew what this meant.

12 dp 3dt my beta came back a 19.

Too low.

Today it came back a 7.

It's over.

It is officially another chemical pregnancy.

I need this to stop!

Please God make it stop....

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have 4 embryos left.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart. A pain I don't want to face.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have now failed my last 6 cycles...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Six failed cycles since my last miscarriage. Is it even fair to these embryos? I have spent the better part of the last 2 years doing transfer after transfer and nothing...well 2 chemical pregnancies...maybe those little embryos would have a better shot with someone else.

Four pregnancies...no baby...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Because it appears that my uterus is the place that embryos go to die...  

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart...

A  pain I don't want to face...

But the only way this ends is if I end it...