Friday, September 27, 2013

So this is how it ends??

Another prayer that has been on top of my Greatest Prayers Hit Parade as of late has been:

"God please make this end.  It has to stop. "

And it does...

have to stop...

And it does...

have to end...

I can't keep putting myself through this pain.

But I will be the first to admit that I don't know how to make it stop and I am not sure if I have the strength to end it.

When I was with Sio we were planning all the things a couple should be planning...marriage, a home, children but here's the thing...Sio was 10 years younger than me and he wasn't remotely ready for any of it! (On a side note, today he is married with a new baby and I still question his readiness, even now 9 years later!).

I remember telling one of my girlfriends that I was going to marry him and she grabbed me by the arm and looked me directly in the eye and said: "Don't! Don't marry him!"

And I am pretty sure on some level I knew...I knew our relationship wasn't meant to go that far but I couldn't stop. I couldn't leave him. The thought of leaving him, even though I knew it was what I HAD to do, put a pain in my heart. A pain I didn't want to face.

And as time went on and the addiction grew, that same friend said to me: "The only way this ends is if you end it!"

I knew she was right.

The only way it would end is if I ended it...so I did.

One night Sio and I had a huge fight and I ended it.

The very next day he showed up to my work. He was sitting at the outside patio bar and as I walked inside he gave me this wink and smile.  I knew that if I went outside to where he was, we'd be back together.

I knew if it was going to end I had to end it.

On Sunday, 9 dp 3dt I got a positive pregnancy test.

The next day I got another positive pregnancy test.

But on both tests the line was faint and with each subsequence test I took, the line did not get darker.

I knew what this meant.

12 dp 3dt my beta came back a 19.

Too low.

Today it came back a 7.

It's over.

It is officially another chemical pregnancy.

I need this to stop!

Please God make it stop....

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have 4 embryos left.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart. A pain I don't want to face.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have now failed my last 6 cycles...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Six failed cycles since my last miscarriage. Is it even fair to these embryos? I have spent the better part of the last 2 years doing transfer after transfer and nothing...well 2 chemical pregnancies...maybe those little embryos would have a better shot with someone else.

Four pregnancies...no baby...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Because it appears that my uterus is the place that embryos go to die...  

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart...

A  pain I don't want to face...

But the only way this ends is if I end it...

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13 comments:

  1. I am so sorry, Michaela. ((((HUGS))))

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  2. I'm so sorry Michaela.

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  3. Michaela, I am so sorry! Sending lots of love your way.

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  4. Huge hugs. I am so sorry, M. :(

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  5. I have been away for such a long time. I am so sorry to come here to catch up with you and find things in such a dark place.

    You'll know if you can carry forward. You are a real Momma thinking you are being unfair to those embryos. They would be lucky to have such an experienced Momma as you.

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  6. I am sorry to be late in commenting and lending support. I can feel your pain, sadness, disappointment. There's nothing I can say to relieve you of what you are going through. I can only say that you need to allow yourself to feel all that you are and in less painful days, weeks or months ahead decide how is best to proceed.

    Deciding to end it or go forward, both are actions.

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  7. I am aching for you friend, just aching. I'm so, so sorry.

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