Uncle!!!!

We all know the scene...

Neighborhood bully takes the arm of the shy kid or the arm of the fat kid and pulls it behind his back, pulling up harder and harder declaring with each pull:

"Say it!"

Pulling harder: "Say it!!"

One excruciating last pull: "Say Uncle!!!"

And the poor little wimpy kid screams: "UNCLE!!!"

That scream of "UNCLE!!!" is more than just that little wimpy kid not being able to take the pain. It's a plea for mercy...it's a plea that says through all my strength, through all that I CAN endure...it can't take this anymore...I will sacrifice my strength,  my pride, my fortitude and beg for mercy....because I cannot take one more pull...

And the little wimpy kid is left on the ground crying...not crying because his arm hurts...crying because he gave in...he had no more strength, no more fortitude and no more pride...crying because he gave up!

Infertility (IF) is my bully, twisting  my arm behind my back until I can't take anymore...

As we know I am in my "final" final cycle (16th!!! cycle) with Dr. Period and crew which includes Dr. Corny.  

*On a side note...I can't decide if Dr. P and crew are amazingly competent or completely incompetent.

Leading up to my "final" final cycle I had to get a bunch of testing. A bunch of testing that I already had multiple times in the last "4 fucking years!"

This testing included an HSG. An HSG that after several trips to the hospital to get the results, the only logical conclusion is that the test was completely fucked up!  Instead of going into details on this colossal screw up (because there is so much more to come) let just say the radiologist who should have take multiple pictures throughout the test, took only one! Every time I went back to the hospital they kept giving me that same damn picture! Only one lousy picture that didn't even show the needed results!

"Say it!!"

*Note - the HSG screw up was not Dr. Corny's fault. I had gone to another doctor, which it wasn't this other doctor's fault either...it was the radiologists fault.

So now Dr. Corny wants to do a saline sonogram. No big deal right!

"Say it!!"

Here I am with my legs in stirrups waiting for Dr. Corny to finish this procedure and he's making a lot of fuss.

First he can't get the speculum in and then he can't get the catheter threaded through my cervix and into my uterus (come on dude!! You're an RE! Know your  f'ucking way around a vagina, a cervix and a uterus!).

Then he gets an air bubble which I now have learned causes problems with the ultrasound machine. You can't get a picture through an air bubble...who knew!

And now  Dr. Corny is apologizing with his (not so charming but completely irritating) southern accent: "Oh looks like we gotta little air bubble. Sorry about that! How y'a doing?"

Me: "I'm okay" and in my head..."Hurry the fuck up dude!!"

Dr. Corny (trying to be funny!): "Well at least you haven't kicked me."

Me (seriously, you're not funny dude!): "Are you done?"

Dr. Corny: "No. I'm working on it"

Me: "Then you're not out of the woods yet!"

And in the back of my mind, I can hear  IF laughing, twisting my arm going: "Say it!!" "Say it!!"

Finally my tests are done and I am waiting for Leroy to start my cycle.

Leroy...who is a very punctual guy decides to show up 5 days late...oh yes...torturous ("Saayyyyy it!!")

But finally he's here!! Time to start my protocol.

Now a protocol for a donor cycle is a lot less intensive than protocol for an OE cycle...well at least it's supposed to be...

I take my 14 days of Estrace...which is longer than I have ever done before (hmmm competent? incompetent?).  And they have me taking it both orally and vaginally...I've never done vaginally before...totally weird! Estrace is a little blue pill (not THAT little blue pill but now that I think about it has increased my libidio!)  Well inserting this little blue pill is not easy AND you end up leaking blue out of your cookie!

Anyway 14 days later I am ready for my close-up!!

I go in for my ultrasound and blood work. If all looks good a transfer date will be scheduled....

"Say it!!"

Apparently the ultrasound tech notes on my chart that she sees a small structure in my uterus that could be a cyst...not an ovarian cyst but something in my uterus (christ it could still be Dr. Corny's air bubble! or maybe one of my little blue pills).

I noticed she wrote this but I didn't say anything. I figured I would ask when they called me with my instructions.

And waited for my instructions....

And waited for my instructions...

Sometime after 4pm  they call me and told me to come back in 2 days!

I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting to be scheduled for a transfer so I was totally thrown off guard and totally forgot to ask about this cyst. All I asked was "Why?" and the nurse said: "Because the doctor wants to give your lining a little more time to get thicker".

Now I think it's important to mention that this clinic is over an hour and a half away from me. I have to get up at 5am drive an hour and a half down there and then drive an hour and a half to my job right after! It's exhausting and this is if there is NO TRAFFIC! I live in New Jersey...need I say more!

Two days later I am up at the ass crack of dawn making my trek to the RE's office.  Lather, rinse, repeat! I notice that this ultrasound tech writes the same thing as the last one about noticing a small cyst! WTF!!

"Say it!!"

The whole car ride back to work I am crying. I just know this isn't good and I have a list of questions for the nurse when she calls!

On the car ride from the RE's office to work I end up getting stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. I call the office to tell them. I get out of bumper to bumper traffic and then get caught behind a "Wide Load".  I get past the "Wide Load" to get detoured by a road crew "tree trimming". I get past the "tree trimming" (and no it's not fucking Christmas!) and get stuck behind a train....oh yes, this hour and a half drive took well over two hours....

"Say it!!"

And now the wait...the wait for instructions...

And I wait...

And wait...

And wait...

It is now 4:30 and I can't believe they haven't called.

I leave a message with the nurses.  I email my coordinator.

I wait...

It is now after 5pm.

I was going to go to the gym after work but I was so shot that I decided to go get a relaxing pedicure.

I had cried myself out and faced the fact that they weren't going to call me (incompetent!!).

I was in my favorite nail salon with my feet in gloriously relaxing hot water when my cell phone rings.

It is 6:30pm and it's the clinic calling to give me instructions.

I go fumbling in my purse to get the phone. When I answer I accidently had it on speaker and the nurse starts rambling off instructions: " Your transfer is scheduled for Monday."

 Ummm....

"Hi! Hi! Hi! Can you hold for one sec...just one sec....I need to take you off speaker!"

Yeah that got everyone's attention!

The nurse goes on..."You need to take this med now and that med then and start this med on this day etc".

I am scrambling to write it all down because mind you...I am in the middle of the nail salon with my feet in hot water. I can't get up and find a private place to talk.

Once the nurse finishes I say, as quietly as I can: "Can I ask you something? Do I have a cyst?"

I really wanted to ask a lot of questions but I was not in the place to do it.

I can "hear" her looking at my chart.

Then she says: "Let me get the doctor."

Now Dr. Period and company consist of about 5 doctors. I have met with Dr. P and of course Dr. Corny and unfortunately the only other doctor I have talked to there has been:

Dr. IDontUnderstandAFuckingWordYouAreSaying!!

Dr. IDFK (I Don't Fucking Know) for short!!

And both times I have talked to Dr. IDFK has been on the phone.

Dr. IDFK has a strong accent.

She starts asking all kinds of questions: "What was the last cycle you have done?" "Have you ever had surgery on your uterus?"

If I could have crawled under my "relaxing" pedicure massage chair or walked on the gloriously hot water my feet were soaking in out of there I would have...but instead I was trying to whisper things like: "IUI" and "D & C"

"Say it!!"

At one point she wanted me to get a prescription and asked for my pharmacy's number. So as I am trying to look up the number online as I am talking on the phone...the woman in the chair next to me hands me her phone so I can look it up on her phone while I am talking...sweet...yes...AWKWARD!!...YES!!!...MORTIFYING!!!.....YES!!

At the end of the conversation the doctor decided that I should come back in 3 days. She wanted time to review all the ultrasounds they have on file for me and to review my saline sonogram to try to determine what this "blip" on my ultrasound could be (competent??)

I hung up the phone and apologized to the nail salon that they had to know my business...

And in that time the girl finished my pedicure! No relaxing for me!!

I got up and walked over to get my manicure and it was at that moment I noticed the owner of the salon is pregnant!

Then (I guess miraculously at the same time) the "phone lady" noticed she was pregnant and they start talking pregnancies and babies...

"Say it!!"

Hey I learned that "phone lady" had her babies early (ohhh good for fucking you!!) and that's why her belly is completely flat! YEAH!!!! She bounced back!! AWESOME!!!

"Say it!!"

Hey it's only fair! She knows my business!!

I go back tomorrow morning...tomorrow morning at the ass crack of dawn for my close up!

If the "blip" is gone they will schedule my transfer...if not...I will be canceled. 

And I am this close to saying: "Uncle!!!"

The Meaning of Hope Part I

In starting my final "final" attempt at getting pregnant, I am also going to a new clinic.

Well kinda...it's a new/old clinic.

I actually went back to Dr. Period aka Dr. Bumbles.

Dr. Period is a doctor known for having success with women with high FSH and DOR. And a man who dictates when he talks. Yes, he literally ends each sentence saying out loud the punctuation.

"We are going to run some tests and do an ultrasound PERIOD."

"Once I review the results we will decide on your protocol PERIOD."

Weird!

And freakin hysterical because the first time I talked with him I thought that when he said PERIOD he meant Leroy!! That he meant menstruation...Ha! And RE that says PERIOD!!

I went to him 2 years ago so I could be placed on the clinics donor embryo list. This clinic is also known for its donor embryo program and I wanted to have a back-up plan to my back up plan.

And it is with this back-up to my back-up I have decided try my final (and this time I mean final) attempt.

I have had so many failures since my miscarriage.  Five to be exact. Negative HTP after negative HTP and then the heartbreaking BFP...wait...no...BFN...known as a chemical pregnancy.  But I was always trying something different with each new cycle until I ran out of things to try...except for trying a new clinic.

So back to Dr. Period it is and my final "final" attempt with donor embryos.

 BUT here's the catch...

The doctor I am seeing there isn't Dr. Period.

Hmmm who could it be?

Wait for it....

It's  Dr. CORNY!!!  

Dr. Corny from my old, old clinic (crap how many clinics have I been to??) who was partners with Dr. Wow.  I was not a fan of Dr. Corny and his ever so chipper southern charm then:

"How y'all doing today? Yer just gonna put yer feet up in these stirrups right here." 

Puke!

And now it seems like I can't get away from this guy.

But I am grateful for one more try...one more chance...one more...just one more...

Gratefulness looks back. Hope looks forward with desire and reasonable confidence and expectation. By looking back, gratitude fuels forward-looking hope.

Dr. Corny is making me repeat a lot of tests I mean A LOT of tests...which is fine.

I would love for them to see my results say: "AHHH HAAA!!!! There's the problem!"  But they haven't found anything (so far) contributing to my failures.

In order to get all of these test done (and covered) I also did 2 IUIs. My insurance covers unlimited IUIs...how asinine is that! Healthcare insurance is just so mismanaged on so many levels! No I will not start a healthcare rant BUT I will tell you this...I will be doing an IUI at 50! Why? Because these morons will cover it that's why! 

Okay moving on...

So I did 2 IUIs in preparation for my upcoming donor embryo cycle.

I didn't expect them to work. I have a better chance of winning powerball but...

As with over-matched ball teams that are behind late in the game, hanging their heads without oomph, without hope for the future, there isn’t power for the present.

But there was this little spark inside of me. This spark that has been missing and somehow reignited.

I knew those IUIs wouldn't work but in my head I started imagining "what if".

And isn't that hope?

Of course they both failed.

But that's okay...I got something from them...a spark...some hope...

I was at my mother's hanging out right after the 2nd IUI failed and I said: "I knew that it wasn't going to work. I knew it but I still hoped that it would."

And my mom said: "Of course you did. Hope is why we keep on living. Without hope what's the point."

Hmmm....

Without hope what's the point....

And I realized that even though I feel like I've lost all hope.

Even though I have been struggling with my beliefs...

I realized that I must have hope.

More hope than you could imagine!

I must have a shit load of hope because I keep on going.  

A shit load!

On a side note - I wonder where the expression "shit load" came from.  I can just see some trucker with a truck load of manure..."Hey buddy whatcha hauling?"...."A shit load!"

But I must have a shit load!

I keep trying!

Why else would I keep putting myself through this hell if I didn't have hope?

Persons who tend not to be grateful tend not to be hopeful.

And I am grateful! I am grateful that Dr. Corny is running all these tests. I am grateful for my Hail Mary IUIs and I am grateful that I have a back-up plan to my back-up plan.

And crap...as much as I hate to admit it...I am hopeful!

Cycle #16 here I come and I hope beyond hope that this is the one...otherwise what is the point?

Making Eggs and Eggless in New Jersey!

Making Eggs…

Throughout this journey towards motherhood (and this journey through life) I always try to inject a little humor into any given situation. My humor might fall on the side of sarcasm but it is always all in good fun and something definitely needed when things aren’t going the way you thought they would. After all I truly believe that Laughter IS the Best Medicine.

Laughter and Loudness is a family trait. I’m loud, my mom’s loud (though she is the quiet one of the bunch) my sisters are loud, my cousins are loud, my aunt’s loud and we are all VERY, VERY animated. All stories are told with visual demonstrations and sound effects.

It is completely evident at family gatherings as we all take turns telling humorous stories about the people we’ve encountered, ridiculous things we might have done or said, driving stories, funny sighting, even Sasquatch sightings (yes, that is for my nephew Adam…we both have Sasquatch sighting stories…hmm must run in the family). And all the while we are talking over each other or jumping in with one-liners as our laughter and voices rise. It even gets to the point where my mom raises her hand and jumps up and down declaring: “I got one! I got one!” And then she’ll get up and act out this hilarious story that has us in stitches no matter how many times we’ve heard it!

I am pretty sure that’s where I get my sense of humor from. My mom's always telling me: “You should do stand-up! You’re so funny!” and I tell her: “Just because my mom thinks I’m funny doesn’t mean that I am” I could just see it now…me doing stand-up and nobody laughing of course except for my mom in the back of the audience!

So laughter is how I get through the day.

Since I started my IVF journey, I’ve had this running little joke…due to the fact that I’m not really doing it all that well and my efforts results in so very few…I joke that when I am cycling I am busy Making Eggs!

I’ll go on saying things like: “It’s exhausting making eggs!” or “I’m just gonna go home and make some eggs!”

Sissy L plays along and she’ll go: “Whatcha doing?” and I’ll respond: “I’m making eggs!”

Sissy L: “Where you going?”

Me: “Home to make some eggs”

Yes, I know silly and funny. Well at least to me and Sissy L it’s funny. But then again Sissy L is easily amused!

“Making eggs” is my little “ha ha” fun with IVF moment…hmm…Fun with IVF…do I see the potential board game in the future?

So on my last RE visit to check my follies, Dr. Wow came in, looked at my chart and says “Okay, well you are not over-stimulating but at least you’re Making Eggs”. Now of course I laughed a little too hard at this (is my crush showing?) But then I thought: “Hey wait a second, this guy is stealing my shtick!” Like the correlation between IVF and Making Eggs is some kind of comic genius! But either way Dr. Wow still found a way to make me feel good about my lack of eggs.

But unfortunately that didn’t last too long…

At my visit with Dr. Wow he told me to trigger that night (Saturday) with my ER on Monday. I had a sneaky suspicion (or maybe it was my eggstincts!! HA! HA!! Wow that was bad but I couldn't resist) that due to the fact Dr. Wow was in on the weekend I would end up with Dr. Corny on Monday. And, of course I was right.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire…

This morning when I got up everything seemed a little weird or surreal. I don’t know how to explain it but I knew things weren’t going to turn out good…I just knew it (maybe it was my damn eggstincts again! Okay not funny anymore but I had to take one more crack {ha!} at it!).

Sissy L drove me and we spent the whole morning joking around. While I was waiting for my procedure to start we had a grand old time laughing about this:

The Universal Pain Assessment Tool (Wong-Baker Facial Grimace Scale):

Yes this is on the wall in the prep room! Yes it took 2 doctors to come up with this! And apparently its Universal b/c they have it is 5 different languages! Now this is a very high tech, medical terminology going on here!

Once I was prepped I said to my sister: “I’m all sorts of glamorous now. I’m hot in this gown and cap! I have no idea why I’m single” as she takes a picture of me in all my pre-ER glory.

Yup I’m one hot mama!!

But not to be outdone, I told Sissy L it wasn’t fair that I had to wear the beauty enhancing cap and she didn’t. So, she put one on.

Okay we are complete dorks!!

But we continued laughing as the nurse declared: “You two are having too much fun in there”. And it was in that moment that I mouthed to my sister: “I have a bad feeling about this”

There really isn’t any need to go into the procedure. You can read about what happens when the RE gets up close and personal here.

But the end result turned into me waking up before the procedure was done and only have 3 eggs retrieved. Dr. Corny had ZERO bedside manner and made some kind of excuse about eggs sometimes getting stuck inside…I don’t know what that means…

I am sad. I’m defeated and I’m not finding any of this funny.

I left the RE’s office in a huff (a real huff with a curse or two thrown in!) which in hindsight I do feel bad about…

Now I’m walking on egg shells (HA!! I guess I had 1 more obvious joke hanging on in there!) as I wait for my fertilization report and pray that I have the Golden Eggs!

At this point it’s either laugh or cry and I’ve been crying all day!

An Autumn Harvest in the land of Dixie, Call Me on the Line, Time to Transfer and The Crazy Train:

I normally wouldn’t put in a disclaimer in for one of my posts. I do believe in “Read at Own Risk” and those that know me know that I am a “tell it like it is” kinda gal. Sugar coating is not my strong point and sparing no detail is. But I do realize that not everyone reading my blog really knows me and those that do know me might want to be spared certain details. So, for those of you who don’t wish to know exactly what happens when the doc gets up-close and personal. I would advise you to skip this post…

Sorry this is so long.

Please consult the acronym list for definitions of certain abbreviations.

If you come from the land of cotton…

The fertility clinic that I go to has two REs. There is Dr. A who I call Dr. Wow and then there is Dr. C who, let’s just say, I call him Dr. Corny. Now, Dr. Wow and Dr. Corny alternate the days they are in the office. So for my regular monitoring visits I am never sure if it will be Dr. Wow or Dr. Corny doing my ultrasound. If you can’t tell from my sweet, little nicknames, I don’t really care for Dr. Corny. I prefer Dr. Wow.

My last 3 monitoring visits, it was Dr. Corny. I was starting to miss Dr. Wow but I knew he would be doing my ER or so I thought …

On the day of my ER, my mother drove me. On the way I told her it would be Dr. Wow doing my surgery. I assumed it would be Dr. Wow. After all Dr. Wow was my doctor NOT Dr. Corny and Dr. Wow did my last ER. I explained to my mom how I preferred Dr. Wow and how Dr. Corny got on my nerves. And of course my mother asked what was wrong with Dr. Corny. I explained to her about certain “demeanors” that he has that drive me crazy…like how he has a southern accent…I’m not a fan…so when he comes in he says: “How ya’ll doing this morning?” and then gives me an off to the side, halfway handshake (I hate halfway handshakes) I’m already starting to cringe. And it’s not just a southern accent; it’s a perky southern accent. I don’t do perky. Especially before 9:00 am! He says things like “Alrighty then feet in the stirrups” and always pats both stirrups with his hands. Once you lie back and put your feet in the stirrups he’ll say “Now skootch on down” and then proceeds with “Alrighty then, you’re just gonna feel my hand first” and then he “adjusts” my cookie so he can insert the vaginal ultrasound. He’s even annoying when he does your ultrasound b/c he has to point out everything. I don’t know about the rest of you but when I look at the screen all I ever see is some gray fuzz, static and an occasional black dot. But Dr. Corny is always “Ohhh, there’s your bowel, ya see that. There’s your lining, ya see that and here’s your ovary, ya see that” and I want to say “NO! No I don’t see it” but I always say “Uh huh!”

To all my southern readers, southern friends and southern folk in general I mean this in no disrespect but I am a Jersey Girl (with an equally annoying accent) and there is only so much southern hospitality and southern charm I can take. Dr.Wow is more “down to business”. He walks in says hi, has you lie back, inserts ultrasound, looks at what he needs to look at and he’s done. Dr. Corny is like a some kinda of Dixieland Mary Poppins! It’s just too much perk for me!

Now of course my mom and I are laughing about this as we are heading to the doctor’s office for my surgery. Once we get to the office and I sign in, I see Dr. Corny walking around in scrubs. I am puzzled. I look at the receptionist and I say (in horror) “Is it Dr. C today?” and she says “Yes, why?” Now I can feel the tears starting to build. I choke them back. I reply “I thought it was going to be Dr. Wow” and she tells me Dr. Wow is away. My mom and I go to the waiting room and I start to cry. I know Dr. Corny is an excellent, capable doctor but I can’t seem to fight back the tears. And you have to remember that I am on a lot (I mean A LOT) of hormones! The nurse comes back to bring me to the prep room before my surgery and she sees I’m crying. I tell her I’m okay and then my mom has to tell her I’m upset b/c I want Dr. Wow…now I am trying to stop my mom from doing this. I don’t want everyone to know that’s why I’m upset…especially Dr. Corny…he’s about to do some very delicate work in the downtown area…I don’t need him thinking he brings me to tears! The nurse assures me everything will be okay. And of course it was.

Dr. Corny came in with his usual Dixieland Perk and introduced himself to my mom. Once he left of course we started laughing because he presented all the “demeanors” to my mom that I was telling her about. And I am whispering to my mom “You see! You see what I am talking about!” And my mom says “Well, he is a little upbeat!” and we started laughing again. I actually felt a lot better.

As I was lying completely naked and barely covered with my feet up in the stirrups waiting for the anesthesiologist to put me out, in walked Dr. Corny and said “How ya’ll feeling?” I said “Good” and he said “Alrighty then I’m just gonna put the speculum in” and all I remember was lying there, with the speculum hanging out of my cookie, thinking “Hurry up and put me to sleep” and I was out! Dr. Corny retrieved all 6 eggs.

I will say this as a side bar. I did wonder if people talked at all while under anesthesia so I asked the anesthesiologist, and he said “Yes but I never tell” so of course now I am fearful that I might have unconsciously called Dr. C by his nickname Dr. Corny while I was out so I said to the anesthesiologist “Did I talk while I was out?” he said “I will never tell” UGHHHH….when your doctor is that up-close and personal you don’t want to be calling them Corny!!

After your ER you go home and rest…pass out again is more like it. And all you can do is wait until the next morning when the doctor calls to give you your fertilization report. It always seems like forever before they call and they always seem to call at random times. It’s never an exact time or time frame. Dr. Corny called me at 10:30 am with my fertilization report. Out of my 6 eggs, 5 were mature and 4 fertilized…this report was much better than my last one…and now all you can do is wait until Day 3 after your ER (ER counting as Day 0) to see how your embryos (which I like to call my embabies) are growing and when your transfer will be. So I waited the whole next day and the following morning for my call…

Well the last time you called…

Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep the night before my transfer. I was up at 7:00 am pacing the floors waiting for my call. I knew they wouldn’t call that early but I couldn’t sleep. I had this overwhelming (but not completely unfounded) fear that none of embryos made it to Day 3. On my last cycle none of my embryos made it to a Day 5 transfer, this is the reason why we are doing a Day 3 transfer this time so the chances of my embabies not making it to Day 3 were very low but still the last time…9:00 am the phone rings…I answer…it’s Dr. Wow and all the sudden I was wishing it was Dr. C. The last time Dr. Wow called me it was really bad news…”How are you feeling?” he says. “Nervous” I said. “Oh don’t be” he said and then I said “Well the last time you called me…” and I started laughing. He reassured me and said that he would have the nurse call me to let me know what time I should come in for my ET. And then he said something that really made me pause…right before he hung up he said “And I will be doing your transfer so you don’t have to worry”…"so you don’t have to worry”…UGHHH…insert curse word here!!!! FFFFF, SSSSSSS, DAMN everyone in that office knows I cried when I was told Dr. C was doing my surgery. If they even told Dr. Wow who was away that day what are the chances Dr. C doesn’t know!!!! Now I really feel bad.

And the wait goes on…

I don’t think the doctors, nurses or receptionists realize how agonizing the wait is for the phone call…your stomach is in knots the whole time and you are on the edge of your seat…10:10 am the phone rings…the receptionist wants to know if I can be there at 11:00 am. I live 20 minutes away. I still need my prep time so I rushed to jump in the shower. There are certain things a gal must do to be “presentable” before a doctor’s downtown visit. And although Dr. Corny was in the vicinity on Monday, I still had to follow protocol and get my cookie ready for today’s visit. Now I cannot speak for everyone but I make sure my legs are shaved, my armpits are shaved (Why? I have no idea! That is the only area they don’t get to see!) and the carpet is groomed from front to back. Well, me personally, I have hard wood floors so they are shined from front to back. Cookie prep done and I was off to my ET.

Transfer Time…

I had no idea what to expect after all this was my first transfer. I was told to drink about 16 ounces of water before you got there. They want you to have a full bladder. I bought the largest bottle of water I could find and began drinking it on my way to the doctor’s office. Once I got there they bring you into the same room where you had your ER but this time you are awake for the whole procedure. Dr. Wow comes over and discusses how many embabies we should transfer. We decided on all 4. The embryologist gets the embabies prepared while Dr. Wow rinses your cervix. Now they want you’re bladder to be full for this procedure. They say it helps them see better on the ultrasound machine and I clearly thought mine was full but when they looked on the ultrasound they said it was not. But man did I feel like I had to go….oh no…I am a very regular person and on this morning with all the phone calls and waiting I did not take care of my morning business. There is a little fear I have when going to the downtown doctor and that is a fear of an accidental release…now with my transfer ready to start…a delicate procedure…I am fearing that accidental release and trying oh so very hard not to clinch at the same time…

The embryologist comes in with a picture of my 4 embabies. I am in awe. I am in love. I forget about the pressure, the procedure, the speculum and I lie there looking at their beautiful picture. Dr. Wow says to me “That’s baby’s first pictures.” I said “I will put it in my baby book.” Dr. Wow says: “First page” and I say “No, I took a picture of all the needles I had to give myself. That’s going to be the first page. So when my kid acts up I can pull out the book” and now we all start laughing, me, the nurse and Dr. Wow and with that laugh the downtown pressure seems to drop a little bit and my fear of an accidental release came back rushing back. In my mind I am thinking…don’t clinch, relax and for the love of God don’t fart! But 1 second later he was done! I let out a deep breath and I am glad that is all I let out!

All Aboard (ha ha ha ha ha ha!) yes you can cue up Ozzy!...

I’m going off the rails on a Crazy Train!

After your ET you enter into the 2ww and board the Crazy Train…

I knew I would be boarding the Crazy Train as soon as my ET was over but what I didn’t realize was how fast the stop to Looneyville came up. I figured I would reach Looneyville by day 3 or day 4 after my ET. I reached Looneyville in a record 30 minutes after my ET. Since my “morning business” was put on hold for my ET and now my bladder was finally filling up with all the water they had me drink, I felt that all was about to let loose. As I lay with my feet up waiting for the nurse to tell me it was time to go, I tried really hard to “hold” things in. You have to remember that there is another woman in the bed next to me, separated by a curtain, waiting to go in for her ET. And as much as I thought I could quietly let myself “release” some pressure, I also knew I was lying there without any bottoms on so I didn’t want to risk the acoustics boosting the noise level. So I uncomfortably continued to “hold” things in. Finally the nurse came in a said that I could get dressed. I rapidly asked if I could go to the bathroom. And before she even finished I was dressed and headed to the bathroom. I figured I would pee and maybe shoot off some warning shots of what’s to come and then go home to finish my business but no…my business had a mind of its own. It wanted sweet release right then and there. Now I know you are probably thinking “Okay, so what…you took a poop at the RE’s office” and on any other given day I wouldn’t think twice (or give 2 you know what’s!) about pooping in a doctor’s office. But once I started feeling the train (my poop) about to leave the station…the Crazy Train pulled up to Looneyville! I was afraid to poop. I was afraid to push. I was afraid I would push my embryos back out! I know it’s crazy! I know it’s silly but did I not just say I pulled up to Looneyville. So there I am in the bathroom, trying to poop without pushing! You might wonder if that is even possible. And although this was an experiment that I didn’t mean to partake in, the answer is no. No it is not possible to poop without pushing. It’s only a matter of the level of pushing. Pushing becomes involuntary. And now I was completely paranoid that I had “pushed” out more than poop. I was completely paranoid that I pushed out my embabies. I tried to reassure myself that it wasn’t possible to push out my embabies (and it’s not) but I had already boarded the Crazy Train and reached my 1st stop in Looneyville. I will have to say that over the rest of the day I had to curse my very regular, cleansing bowels two more times and rest assured my conclusion from my experiment in the bathroom in the doctor’s office still holds water…no you cannot poop without some level of pushing (*fast poopers not included in this experiment).

I am now 4 days past my transfer. I am still on the Crazy Training and so far it has pulled into Looneyville, it has pulled into the This Isn’t Going to Work Station and it has pulled into Over Analyze Central! I have 7 more days to go and I can only imagine the stops that the Crazy Train has in store for me! But I am on that train and there is no turning back. When the train stops I will either be in the Happiest Place on Earth or the Saddest. And I will have no choice. I will have to get off!