Walking the mile...

The moment you decide to move on, forward, away from or even towards something in your life you are placed on a long and sometimes painful path.

You must walk that mile.

And when that mile is leading you away for someone or something that you hold dear it makes that mile even longer.

I've walked this mile many times.

Sometimes by choice and sometimes crawling on my hands and knees not wanting to go another inch.  Wanting to turn around and run back to where I came from.

Not wanting to walk the mile.

The times I did walk away. The times that I moved on or away from a person, place or event in my life, those times, I can say this...it wasn't easy.

Those times I was crawling. I didn't want to move on but couldn't stay.

So how come there are some times when you can run, others where you can walk and still others when you can barely crawl?

What gives you the ability to move at all?

Is it self preservation?

And why are there some instances when you hold on with all you have and other times you just let go?

Is it in direct relation to how desperately you want it?

I did 16 cycles. 16! And that is not including cycles that were cancelled. If I added in the cancelled cycles it would be more like 20. 20 cycles!

And I still can't let go.

I still can't walk away.

Desperation?

Long ago, when I decided I could no longer be the person who was dishonest and cheated, I decided to walk away from them both.  I ended my affair and I left my high school sweetheart.

Walking away from my high school sweetheart...I am pretty sure that was self preservation.

And when I walked away from Sio...I am 100% sure it was self preservation.

But the guy I cheated on my high school sweetheart with...what was it exactly that I was walking away from...I'm not sure...but the closest I can come to explaining it is...I was walking away from my old self and walking towards my new self.

I still had a long way to go but I needed a clean slate.

A clean slate...hmmm...

Is that what walking away does?

Is that what's at the end of the mile?

A clean slate?

So if I walk the mile...walk away from cycling...walk away from any chance of pregnancy and giving birth...will I be giving myself that clean slate?

The clean slate that I need to embrace what life has in store for me...

The clean slate that allows me to be okay...

Or will walking the mile lead me to the electric chair?

Know when to walk away?

I think there comes a time in person's life when you decide the kind of person that you want to be.

It's called growing up.

It may not happen overnight. It may take many attempts at changing and many hard life lessons but with each lesson you grow up just a little bit.

I remember years ago (many, many years ago) when I was with my high school sweetheart and I went off to college, I was so afraid of losing him. So afraid of not being with him. And even though we were two completely different people than when were together in high school, I still tried so desperately to hang on.

But I was growing. I was changing and in amongst all this change I made some very bad, hurtful decisions.

Instead of allowing us to change and move on in the direction in life we needed to, I tried to keep what we had and move on at the same time.  In trying to do this I ended up cheating on him. I had an affair.

I rationalized it. I tried to make it his fault.  He wasn't there. He wasn't growing up and changing with me. But no, I know now it was my fault. I was the one that made that decision.

But really some 20 odd years later who cares. Right? Who cares that I cheated on my high school sweetheart.

But you see here's the thing. During that time, some 20 years ago, I cared. That time when I was cheating on him, I felt so horrible. I felt like such an awful person that I vowed never to cheat again. I ended my affair and until this day I never cheated.

I decided that I didn't want to be that kind of person. I decided right then and there that I wanted to be a better person.

But in the process of all this change...in the process of growing up...I hurt two people that didn't deserve it.

I am not saying that in that moment I was a grown up and that I was always going to make all the right choices.

I had many other moments where I was making bad decisions.

Inappropriate men, drugs, drinking too much and used to blame this behavior on my father because he left when I was little.

Oh yes...I had it all abandonment issues, daddy issues.

But that's not an excuse...

I made those choices.

I know this now.

It is solely on me.

Those were my choices and my decisions and I can't rationalize it and blame my father just like I can't blame my high school sweetheart for me cheating on him.

And when I came to these realizations, I had to fight to change who I was, fight to be the better person I wanted to be and become that person.

I grew up a little more.

There are struggles, many, I am not perfect but what happens when there are people in your life making bad decisions. People who you fundamentally disagree with their choices and their moral code. 

Do you wait for them to grown up? Do you turn a blind eye and look the other way? Excuse their behavior?

How do I do this when I know how hard I've worked to learn from my mistakes?

How hard I have worked to grow and change into the type of person I want to be?

Are they learning from their mistakes and growing? Or repeating the same bad behavior over and over.

And for how long do you wait for them to grow up?

Most people would say that you shouldn't have those people in your life.  That you should distance yourself and remove them from your life.

Walk away.

But really is it ever that easy?

Now, what if those people are your family or a close friend. Do you walk away? Should you walk away?

What if that person is someone you love? And their choices and their actions have directly hurt you?

Do you wait for them to grown up? Do you turn a blind eye and look the other way? Excuse their behavior? For how long?

How do you know when to walk away?

Because the one thing I realize, that after 4 years of battling Infertility, I have a hard time walking away...

Even the Outsiders have a place to go:

I did not read the supportive comments on Mel's post over PAIL.

I did not read the ugly comments over PAIL either.

In fact I've read very few posts on the subject at all.

I didn't need to.

All those feeling being expressed.

Feelings of hurt and loneliness.

Feelings of friendship and camaraderie.

Feelings of anger and bitterness.

Feelings of defiance and self righteousness.

Feelings of love and understanding.

All of these feelings are feelings that I have felt at one time or another from the moment I was told I would most likely never have children.

I have felt them when I started trying to conceive.

While reading blogs or reading comments.

While creating a post or listening to the sound of my own sorrow.

While embracing the journey or dreading the next step.

I have felt them all and I am sure you have too.

And to be honest I never really thought about the blogs of those who've crossed over.

If it was someone I followed. In spite of my own pain I was truly happy.

And sometimes I could read their posts on their pregnancies or their babies and sometimes I couldn't.

When I could I would envision myself in that place.

The days that I couldn't. I simply wouldn't. I wouldn't read.

And I know there are some bloggers who have made it to the other side and felt that there TTC blog was no longer appropriate. So they closed that blog and started a new one. And whether or not I followed I don't think was their concern. Well at least in my opinion it shouldn't have been.

Blogging is about where you are in your life and what you have to say regardless if anyone is listening.

And once again on the days when things were too rough for me, on the days it hurt too much.

I simply wouldn't read.

I don't think that I ever thought to myself: "They shouldn't be posting that! They should be considering my feelings."

No never. Not in blog land.

But I am not perfect. I have had my moments of bitter thoughts.

Thoughts that go like this:

Read line about breastfeeding..."Seriously! Fuck!"

Click close on my web browser.

Read line about a morning sickness complaint...scream in my head "Yeah!! Try the alternative!!"

Click close on my web browser.

No I am not perfect. Being the Outsider hurts.

But I never thought my hurt was because of those that have crossed over and that they weren't being supportive of me. I never blamed them for my feelings and I have tried to be as supportive as my emotions would allow.

And I also have moments like this:

Read a post about baby's first foods..."Wow, I am so going to try that with my baby."

Read a post about a toddler's antics..."I hope I'm ready for that!"

And those were the days that I read.

But to be honest if I wasn't already feeling like the little girl with her nose pressed up against the candy store window longing for what's inside.

Or staring with enormous want for the puppy behind the glass.

And if I didn't already feel like I was forever on the outside looking in.

I do now.

Well I should say I did.

I will admit that initially when the PAIL uproar started it seemed to bring all those feeling of being left out to the forefront for me.

Like the glass wall has literally been put up in between the "have's" and the "have nots".

Now the prize is being waved in front of my face instead of being a part of the process.

And it deepened these hurt feelings.

But after my last post about how being the one still struggling has left me feeling like an Outsider. After expressing all these feelings of hurt and loneliness, I received so many comments from those feeling the same way. Feeling as if we were left alone on the battlefield.

And these comments made me realize that I am not alone.

And it shows me that even the Outsiders have a place to go.

And I think maybe that's all PAIL is trying to do is release their feelings of being so utterly alone.

I'm not sure how I really feel about PAIL. It does bring me the feeling of there's a fort, right in my own backyard, with a giant sign on it that says: "Members Only".

I also know the feeling of trying to belong. And PAIL evolved from that feeling.

So I don't really know how I feel.

I feel alienation and understanding?

Here is one thing I do know after all this is:

Even the Outsiders aren't alone.

They have each other.

The Outsiders

There was a recent post that seems to have caused a lot of stir in the community.

When I read that post, I did not get offended at all.

It could be because I have lived in that place she was coming from.

It could be because I have felt the same kind of hurt and defeat that fueled that post. Not a defeat of giving up a dream but the defeat that only failed IVF cycles can bring.

And I am a little shocked at the backlash over this.

I am not going to link the post or mention the blogger.

I am just going to write about some of the issues that resonated with me.

Warriors come out and play...

When I first started out on this journey I felt so utterly alone.

I felt like I was the only one going through this.

I felt like there was no one out there who could possibly understand.

I felt like an Outsider.

I felt as if only I have ever had to face such a cold, harsh reality...

I may never have children.

It's a crippling fear and with the fight or flight instinct most of us choose to fight.

And I did choose to fight.

I fought like hell.

And I found a community of women fighting the same battle.

I had found my warriors.

I was no longer the Outsider.

The "fertiles" became the Outsiders because they would never know what it's like to fight and all they would ever be able to do is take it for granted.

And you could laugh it off when a "fertile" announced a pregnancy, complained about morning sickness or a talked about an "oops" pregnancy.

We could point to the Outsiders and actually feel sorry for them because they would never be able to appreciate what they have the way we, the warriors, could.

Because they didn't know. They have no clue of the magnitude of the situation and they could never understand. And we told ourselves we would care more, appreciate more and love stronger.

And your girls, your sisters, your warriors...they know. They fully understand. They are there in the trenches with you.

And there is this huge feeling of solidarity.

The feeling that we were all in this together.

We're all warriors fighting the same battle.

But what happens when you become battle weary?

We no longer get support?

Or when one of our sisters succeeds!

Sensitivity and compassion are lost?

You made it!

If it were me I would be screaming from the roof tops.

And you do!

And you should!

You should be over the moon happy and not feel the need to defend the means by which you got there.

Maybe it's something like "survivors guilt" which causes everyone's defenses to go up.

You fought so hard and you made it.

And I don't blame you. I don't fault you.

But for those of us left behind being within hearing range of that celebration magnifies our own battles. Our own losses.

It plunges us into a place where doubt of our ability to achieve the same success clouds our ability to truly embrace the victory.

"You can't win. You know that, don't you? It doesn't matter if you whip us, you'll still be where you were before, at the bottom. And we'll still be the lucky ones at the top with all the breaks. It doesn't matter. Greasers will still be Greasers and Socs will still be Socs. It doesn't matter." - The Outsiders

So now who becomes the Outsiders?

Those of us left behind?

Those of us still fighting?

Or those of us who have won the battle?

There is definitely dissention in the ranks.

A division among our own.

Aren't we the ones who are supposed to understand and show the most compassion?

Wasn't the Outsiders, the "fertiles" who were insensitive and didn't understand?

Weren't they the ones that callously threw around pregnancy and baby talk that ripped our hearts in two?

And now we are attacking our own because a limit has been reached?

This dissention, this division I didn't understand when I was a new soldier, ready fight and full of the promise of victory.

I remember early on in my journey one of girls left the community. I checked in on her to see if she was okay and she told me that all the new pregnancies and ultrasound pictures and baby talk was just too much for her to take.

I didn't understand. At the time all the talk and seeing your fellow sisters win gave me hope. It fueled my determination to keep going.

But Now...

After 10 cycles, 2 pregnancies and 2 miscarriages I also know the complete devastation that only IVF can bring.

Now...

Every BFP, every ultrasound, every complaint about morning sickness, every mention of bellies and nurseries fills the empty void within my being with the loss of a million dreams.

A pain so intense that it can bring me to my knees.

As happy as I am that our fellow "soldiers" were able to win the fight, it still hurts that I am still fighting. And it brings a whole new level of devastation that one could only imagine because unfortunately for us, those of us left behind, we must face the very real possibility that it may never happen for us.

It is beyond battle weary.

I myself have shouted from the roof tops that I would never give up.

But now...

I have felt many times that I was done with IVF. I have been angered and enraged that mine didn't work and I was putting myself through such physical and emotional torture. I was infuriated that I have spent nearly $50,000 (Oh yes you read that correctly) on treatments and my arms are still empty.

IVF has become a bone of contention for me.

I am contemplating my ability to charged into battle again.

And it makes me contemplate the risk of going forward with no guarantees.

I dread starting a cycle and all the shots and all the medications. I can see the effect it has had on my body and my appearance.

But I can also see IVF for the true miracle that it really is.

Really without it, what options would a single gal of "advanced maternal age" have?

On my last FET I remember watching these 3 shining dots on the ultrasound screen as they burst into my uterus like shooting stars and even though that FET failed I was overcome by the miracle of it all.

It blew me away.

But I am in full retreat right now.

And really it isn't whether or not I could face another failed cycle. I am actually more afraid of my cycle working and miscarrying again.

That I could not face.

And as I try to decide my next moves, I try to find my support base and realized that I have truly been left on the battle field alone.

My friends who have won, who have rightfully moved on to a place where this pain is a distant memory. I cannot join their ranks. I do not belong. And their celebration becomes my heartache.

I can't march with the new soldiers joining the fight. Their optimism becomes my dissention.

It really does becomes divided.

I wish it wasn't so.

So who are the Outsiders now?

"You can't win. ..you'll still be where you were before... It doesn't matter. Greasers will still be Greasers and Socs will still be Socs. It doesn't matter." - The Outsiders

In truth The Outsiders are the battle weary. The ones that are left behind.

*By the way I am not giving up, I am just trying to find the best way for me to achieve motherhood.