Naked

In order to get my homestudy approved, one of the requirements is to get a physical.

Out of all the requirements, I mean really, in actuality how hard is that. No biggie right...

So around this time last year when I was working on my homestudy, I went and got a physical.

But I have to admit it really wasn't much of a physical. My doctor, Dr. General (my general practitioner at the time) gave me a very quick once over, didn't do any of the required blood work, scribbled on my form and handed it back to me. And in between scribbling on my form he was making comments and questioning me on my age, my income and asking me how expensive it is to adopt...Really???

I should have asked him how much his Mercedes cost but I was taken back by his comments, like he was putting me under the microscope.

I was feeling very scrutinized, very exposed...naked...

 And I was getting really annoyed. I mean really annoyed.  This was a doctor I have been going to since I was a teenager. This is the doctor that literally held my hand when he thought I had Leukemia, a doctor that knew about my miscarriages, the same doctor who when I went to him for clearance to do IVF a few years earlier of course said that old familiar phrase... "Why don't  you just adopt?"

and now...

Now he was throwing out these little digs, these judgments and it was inappropriate and annoying.  I was annoyed that he didn't take it seriously, that he was so callous about whether or not I should continue to pursue motherhood, that he didn't show enough respect to fill out my form,  my adoption form, a form that is so important to me, a form that is my world, that he didn't take 10 minutes out of his lousy day before he sped off in his Mercedes to fill it out properly.

Luckily when I sent in his chicken scratch to my social worker she accepted it and subsequently  after many other requirements were completed, I was homestudy approved.

But on that day, the day Dr. General decided to pass down judgment instead of doing his job,  I was feeling very vulnerable...very exposed... it was all the questions and concerns that I have already asked myself a hundred times but hearing them from him...it left me naked...

The reality is that I knew I could never sit in front of Dr. General again without feeling naked...without feeling like he was looking at my most private parts and disapproving...

So, I switched doctors and now I go to his partner. Dr. Partner. I tell them in the office that I made a mistake on my insurance and claimed the wrong doctor as my primary and haven't bothered to change it.

But it's really because Dr. General saw me naked.

Or should I say forced my clothes off...

One would think with all of the personal information and private parts that I have exposed over the last 4 years of my life that I would be comfortable naked...

And in the physical sense I am.

I have no modesty when it comes to the RE, speculums and the downtown fun with Wanda.

Half the time I am taking off my pants before the nurse has even had a chance to leave the room.

The running joke is that I have to remember to keep my pants on when I go to the dentist.

So today, about one year later from my last physical since my adoption agency requires a new physical every year, I went in for another physical.

I made an appointment with Dr. Partner and when he comes into the room he starts going over my form one line at a time.

I had mentioned that Dr. General really didn't do any tests and Dr. Partner says to me: "If we are going to do this, we are going to do it right."

And he proceeded to do everything on the form. Taking care to fill out properly and even asking if this was my first adoption and congratulating me...I felt fully clothed...

Until...

Until  Dr. Partner said that although it was not required on my form, he always performs an EKG for his physicals and would like me to have one.

Okay! No biggie right!

So, the nurse comes in with a paper gown but it wasn't the pink paper gown that I'm used to.

No, it was white and short?? It's like a vest.

And then she says something to me that I am still trying to process...she says....

"Please get undress from the waist up. And put the vest on with the opening in the front."

And walks out of the room.

From the waist up???

I know there was a look of confusion on my face...I think it's still there....

I went to get undress but my body automatically started undressing from the waist down!

I have NEVER undressed from the waist up!

I must have stood there staring at the white paper vest wondering what to do with it for a couple of minutes.

All I wanted to do was kick my shoes off, pull down my pants and take off my undies...

But I had to stop...I had to think...and then I did it...I took off my shirt...took off my bra and put on the white paper vest.

And all the sudden I was naked!

My boobs were out!

WTF!!

My cookie can be out all the live long day but my boobs!!

I was aware...very aware!!

I was NAKED!! From the waist up NAKED!!

Once it was all over I was glad to cover up and all I kept thinking of  is if you really want to fuck with an Infertile....

Ask them to undress from the waist up and watch the expression on their face...

I am sure mine was priceless!!

**Okay in keeping with the rules of the Liebster Award here is my question to you: "When was a time you felt completely naked?" Please answer in the comments!

Say What??

How to speak Moronic:

We’ve all heard the sayings. “We” meaning my wonderful Sisters in Fertility who are TTC. We hear the same sayings time and time again. For the life of me I can’t figure out why people find “this advice” in anyway helpful but they are always ready to give it. Quickly I might add. It just comes flying out of their mouths like there is some kinda of “Asinine Shit” center in the brain that can’t be shut off in time. And once you are around a lot of people uncomfortably discussing your plans to have a baby the “Asinine Shit” center of the brain overfloweth.

The holidays provide many opportunities for these awkward conversations to blossom. From the company Christmas Party to gathering at mom’s house, all eyes, ears and mouths spewing Asinine Comments will be focused on you.

I went to V’s Company Christmas Party this week. The group consisted mostly of women and it didn’t take long for the “Ever so helpful. Why didn’t I think of that sooner” advice to come my way about my quest to be a mother. Now I know that this is all because they want to help and have the best intentions but after a while, after you have heard the same moronic advice over and over, you end up giving you’re honest feedback. So here are some of the answers I gave…

Well some I gave verbally and some I screamed in my head, and for some I smiled and said “Thanks. I’ll try that”.

The number 1 Asinine Comment from the Asinine Shit Center of the Brain is (and it’s no surprise):

What you need to do is relax! Just relax! Have a couple of drinks and relax…

Why is “Relax” the number 1 Asinine Comment people give you when you tell them you are trying to conceive? And why would this advice be even remotely helpful to a single woman of 42 TTC when the object of my baby making affection is a catheter? So I proudly told them: “Yes, I could do that! I could get drunk before my insemination or transfer, show up at my RE’s office and try to make it relaxed and romantic.”

In my best, sexy, slurring, drunk voice I explained how I could make the moves on my RE:

Me: “Wow, Dr. Wow you look…you lookkkk…so hot…hot with that vaginal ultrasound” “I’m just gonna slllipp in the other room and taake my pants off”

Wink! Blow kiss! Pull off pants and return to the examining room…

“How do you like my paper gown?” “Sexxy”

As I skootch onto the table:

“I’m gonna put 1 leg here (moving my legs ever so sexy into the stirrups) and the other here (wink). How do you like that? (blow kiss) Now I’m jussst gonna lay backkk, relax and let you, that speculum and catheter have your way with me! Because you are hottt and I am relaxed and we’re gonna make a babbby”

Dr. Wow:

Number 2 Asinine Comment from the Asinine Shit Center of the Brain:

You’ve got plenty of time…

Oh for the love of God I DO NOT!!! In case you missed it the 1st time, 2nd time or 3rd time I AM 42!!

But wait I know the next answer to that: “My girlfriend had her 1st baby naturally at 43!”

She is the exception not the rule. So I politely remind them: “After age 35 your fertility falls off a cliff. And it only gets worse as you get older. 80% of women 38 and over will need some form of A.R.T. to conceive and that number only increases with age. But I am so glad to hear that your friend was one of the lucky 20%.” And in my head I was screaming: “I wish someone had told me the facts instead of blowing sunshine up my ass by saying You’ve got time!”

Now there was one comment that did somewhat make sense and made me feel a little better.

“You didn’t know. How were you to know you weren’t going to meet the guy?”

And that’s true. I had no idea that I wasn’t going to meet the guy. I held out. I held out way too long!! And in the process of holding out I would always get Asinine Comment # 2 “You’ve got time” and also during this time I would get those wonderful unprovoked Asinine Comments on dating and looking for the one. I would get:

When you least expect it…

It’s cousin: When you’re not looking…

I can honestly say there are many, many times that I have been “least expecting it” over the last year since I’ve put my full focus on TTC. And I have completely stopped looking. I wasn’t sure what to put under Hobbies on my Match profile anymore: “Likes long drives to the RE office and injecting hormones daily”, so I decided to delete my profile all together. So I am clearly not looking and guess what; it still hasn’t happened. And that’s okay because based on this advice I figure that one day I will be sitting on the toilet with my eyes closed when the man of my dreams bursts in, I will somehow be relaxed enough to make love and then I will magically be pregnant at 45!!

You’ve got a friend!

And we all know they know someone:

My friends’ unlce’s sister ‘s cousin got pregnant when she….

Stopped trying…

Just relaxed…

Adopted a baby from China…

Got drunk and accosted her RE!

So based on what happened to their friend’s uncle’s sister’s cousin I will get pregnant after unsuccessfully trying to seduce my RE and successfully adopting- just not sure where the relaxing and least expecting it comes in on this one…oh okay I will successfully seducing my RE in the oh so relaxed atmosphere of the examining room and then finalized my adoption only to find that I am pregnant from the drunken tryst! Hey it could happen!!

But in reality everyone is just trying to help (how this helps I have no idea) but they are trying.

Don’t Speak…

And some people just should be allowed to talk at all.

There is one comment I have shockingly gotten twice. Once from a man (understandably guy’s are pervs) and most recently from my mom’s wacky female friend (not sure why a woman would say such a thing) but this one truly belongs in the Asinine Comments from the Asinine Shit Center of the Brain Hall of Fame.

“Why don’t you just go out and be slutty and sleep around?”

When my guy friend said it, it was more like: “You’re missing all the fun. You should go out and sleep with every guy in sight”

My mom’s wackadoodle friend said it after my mom announced I was doing another Series. Cycle mom not series, cycle. So then my mom’s wackadoodle friend said something like: “It would be a lot cheaper and a lot easier if you were slutty and went out and slept around”

WHAT!! SAY WHAT???

Do I need to dignify that with a response?

And to think the advice used to be “If you’re going to be slutty and sleep around use protection” (As it should be!) And in honor of my slutty days of Christmas Past, I followed the latter advice.

So with a big smile I turned to my mom’s wackadoodle friend and I said “Thanks! I’ll try that!”

But all joking aside that comment is just too Asinine for a response!

So in honor of the holidays when we are subjected to having to converse more than we would like, what are some of your favorite Asinine Comments from the Asinine Shit Center of the Brain?