Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Last Stop!!! Lostville!!

This is actually a post I didn't want to make. I wanted to find some humorous way of expressing how I am truly feeling right now because I've always been one who tries to find the funny side of life...Instead I have to rely on my other side. The side that just tells it like it is...my truthful side so, for those of you wondering where the Crazy Train left me off...well, it wasn't Disney! It feels like it stopped in the middle of a very long, dark tunnel and I am walking around trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. And it is not there. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am lost in the dark. I’m trying so hard to see but I have no idea where I am suppose to go and what I am supposed to do. You see, the Crazy Train, when it stops, even though your IVF cycle has ended unsuccessfully, you still feel lost, left off in the middle, you don’t feel like this is your final destination but you don’t know what direction you are supposed to go in either. The sadness is overwhelming and self pity becomes prevalent. I have never been one to wallow in self pity but when you are stumbling around in the dark unable to see you tend to get a case of the “Why me’s”. “Why is this happening to me?” Which then makes me wonder if I am paying off some karmic debt? You are lost in a maze of questions, worry, fear and self doubt and you just can’t see a way past it. A way past the sadness, a way past the pain. You can’t see the road you are meant to travel and you can’t see the future you so desperately want…you are stumbling around in Lostville.

And although I only found out yesterday that I’m not pregnant it feels so long ago. I find myself staring off into space, drifting and remembering my last cycle like was in another lifetime. I am mourning. And I know I need to pick up the pieces and move on but I don't know which direction I'm suppose to go in. I am trying so desperately to find the light. To find the ray of light to illuminate my way but I’m grappling in the dark, reaching out, straining to find that glimmer of hope. The problem is...it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when your eyes are full of tears.

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15 comments:

  1. sorry to hear the news. this too shall pass, and the pain will be lessened, even if it doesn't disappear. give yourself time to grieve and know that we're thinking of you.

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  2. I'm so sorry... I've been waiting to hear from you, praying your embies stuck. I'm amazed at how well you were able to express yourself in this post... and I wish I could do or say something to give you some peace at this moment, until you figure out what direction you should head next. I really hate this for you.

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  3. Michaela, I am so sorry. I don't know what to say to cheer you up. It is so unfair that you have to go through this. Thinking of you. We are all here for you.

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  4. I am so sorry Michaela. So sorry.

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  5. I know it's silly and childish to say this (especially more than once), but this is so NOT FAIR! I'm so sorry. You're going to be such a great mom, I just hope you don't have to keep going through such misery to finally get there.

    (((hugs)))

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  6. this railroad journey they call life is such a hard one... especially when fate denies us our dearist wishes that everyone else in the universe seems to have no problem with.
    I agree with shannon... it is so NOT FAIR..!!
    grieve with a bottle of wine....
    huge hugs

    Michelle xxxxxx

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  7. Oh No! Everyone is right its Not Fair, and I am so very sorry that your IVF wasn't successful. Take some time and your direction will become clear, its just not going to seem like it for a while.

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  8. Michaela,

    I have never felt a grief as deep as a miscarriage, which is what I feel you've gone through. You saw your embabies and had hopes and dreams for them. I am sorry for the dark feelings and the loneliness. I hope as the days go, you feel some clarity and energy to move in the direction you decide. Much love.

    Kristin

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  9. When I saw the title of your post, my heart sank for you. It is not fair. It is not right. It makes NO sense. Oh - how we all wish we could make this right for you.
    I know you are The Dark Place right now (as we all would be.) I truly hope the light comes back quickly, with a new plan/road to take to your dream. Be good to yourself in the meantime - we are all thinking of you.
    ~Big hugs of strength~

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  10. So sorry. It just plain sucks.

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  11. I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say that could be of comfort. Its a struggle right now, but one way or the other, the next step will become clear in a while. That is the way this works, even in the darkest of times.

    Everybody (even the people who have the most horrible infertility journeys) get their children one way or the or the other- I'm just so sorry you have to suffer so much along the way.

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  12. Still thinking of you Michaela. And I'm wishing and hoping that 'Lostville' isn't the real last stop. It's just a really crummy one along the way. I've pulled in to there before - and sometimes I think a part of me remains on the platform. I bet a small part of a lot of us is on that platform. So you are not alone in the dark. Even when it feels like you are.
    Take care

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  13. Thank you all for you wonderful support!

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  14. Tiara - Thank you! And thank you for all your other wonderful comments. It means so much!

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