Friday, October 29, 2010

All the signs pointed too…, Never text while crying, Hey Jealousy and A Date that was Due…

It has to be a sign:

Everything leading up to this cycle, everything about this cycle all pointed to success. Although I am struggling with the “Everything Happening for a Reason” and the “Meant to Be”, I truly believed that this cycle would be a success. I truly believed all the signs that pointed to success. With every sign: my baseline showing no cyst = sign, the fortune teller saying I will get pregnant once my left ovary starting working again and my left ovary finally producing eggs this cycle = sign, the fortune teller saying I would find out I am pregnant (3 months prior) on October 18th = sign, Leroy being 9 days late making me have to skip the August cycle and do the September cycle making my pregnancy test fall exactly on October 18th = sign, the Math FINALLY falling in my favor = sign, my mom coming with me to my ER = sign (really good sign in my book!) and so many other signs, all of it, I believed it more and more. I believed it was God trying to show me that this was going to happen and that I just need to trust in God and it would all work out. And I trusted. I trusted that God would not send me all of these signs only to let me fall. And I focused. I focused on a positive outcome knowing in my heart that this was it. And I let go. I let go of all negative thoughts. I wouldn’t let myself even for one second entertain the thought that this wasn’t going to work. And I believed. I 100% completely believed. I believed so strongly that I knew I was pregnant. I knew I was pregnant until about 5 days past my ET when all the signs in my body pointed to no. But I tried to ignore those signs b/c God gave my so many signs up until then so I made myself believe that this was just a test and I had to trust, focus, let go and believe even stronger than before. And I did and it turned out that I’m not pregnant. And now I am having a very hard time trusting, focusing, letting go and most of all believing.

Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not pregnant. I am very sad:

Yes, that is the text I sent out to some close girlfriends on Monday October 18th when I found out that I wasn’t pregnant. I cried when I typed it into my phone and I cried when I hit send. I cried for hours on end that day but one text in response to that text actually had me laughing!

“I am so sorry to hear that. I lost my phone last week and don’t have everyone’s number yet so, who is this?”

What? Huh? A return text from who? From TM? I thought I sent the text to TT…oh no…I thought I sent out the text to some of my girlfriends from work and instead of sending it to TT I sent it to TM who is a guy I used to work with about a year ago! I just sent this guy, a guy I hardly know, a text saying “I’m not pregnant”! I quickly tried to move past it by texting “Sorry I meant to send this to TT” His text back: “Who is this?” The jig is up…I respond: “It’s Michaela”. And now the text messages continue: “Hey sorry to hear that. I didn’t know you were trying to have a baby. At least you get to keep trying. That’s the fun part!” Yes, TM I do get to keep trying and NO it is not fun! But I didn’t want to text him that. This guy already (now!) knows more of my business than he needs to so, in trying to put an end to my embarrassing text moment and I text back “Thank you and I guess you didn’t really need to know any of this. LOL!” A little LOL thrown in there to lighten things up and we should be done…nope…his text back: “I guess not! I didn’t know you were romantically involved to the extent babies were involved. They shit and cry a lot anyway!” Why do people with children always have to say something negative about children or babies to people trying to have a baby? Is it an involuntary reflex?

Oh the text I wanted to send back. The one about my struggles and being single. The one that tells TM in no uncertain terms to cherish his little baby and every little poop he produces b/c not everyone gets that chance. But I didn’t. My text back was: “At least accidentally texting you made me laugh today”. And it did.

If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago I might not be alone:

I’ve been many things in my life. I’ve been jealous, jaded, shallow, bitter, petty and angry. Yes, I will admit that I have at one time or another been all those things but I have never been all those things all at once until now. And I can’t seem to help it or stop it.

A lot of the women on my Fertility Boards who’ve gotten pregnant after I did are having their babies. I am jealous.

When they announce their betas, if it is low I automatically think the worst. I am jaded.

They talk about names they’ve picked out, decorating their nurseries and their baby showers. I automatically negate their choices. I am shallow, bitter and petty.

I think about the time I’ve wasted over the years. I think that if I had only tried to have a baby years ago, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I think about my miscarriage. I think "That should be me!" I am angry!

I do not like this person I’ve become. I don’t like feeling or thinking this way.

My due date:

Maybe a failed IVF cycle right before my due date has exaggerated all these feelings and I am really not that bad of person? One can only hope. But Sunday October 31, 2010 was the day I should have had my baby. My Angel. On a day where everyone will be wearing a costume, pretending to be someone else, I too will be pretending. I will be pretending to move on. I will be pretending to move forward. I will wear a mask. A mask with a smile on it when in reality I am sad.



  1. Oh, Michaela, I'm so sorry to hear the news :( There's nothing to say but hang in there, keep talking/posting about your feelings, and know that you are loved.

  2. Michaela.. I hate that you are feeling this way. You can't look back and blame yourself.. you just didn't know it at that time. Just live life without regrets as you move forward. I know you are strong and will get through this little hurdle. I'm cheering for you and will keep you in my thoughts.

  3. I am so sorry to hear it didn't work out. I would have thought all the signs pointed to what you wanted too! Life sure throws us some unbelieveably frustrating/crappy/not fair moments. I'll be thinking about you & hoping for the best next time around...

  4. Michaela, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. None of it makes sense. I know we tell ourselves that “God has a reason”, but that doesn’t make it feel better. It still hurts. All I know is that God is holding you right now...even when you feel so alone with the heartache. Praying for you, sweetie.

  5. Hi Michaela... When I spoke to my RE, he mentioned "mini-IVF" for women who tend to make less than 10 follies per cycle. Basically, you do three mini-IVF-- just the egg retrieval part. This will help create alot of follicles over the period of three months. Then, you come in for the embryo transfer after you complete the three mini-IVFs. Just wanted to give you this info so you can ask your RE for his thoughts.

  6. Thank you ladies for all you support. It means the world to me!

  7. I am so sorry. And I'll be thinking of you tomorrow too.

  8. When it rains it pours...
    My heart just breaks for you, Michaela, especially today. I hope that with each passing day, the darkness and clouds lift a little more, giving your heart and mind time to rest. When the time is right for you, I do believe a new protocol or plan will take shape, taking you to your dream. Please know, you are never, ever alone.
    Big, BIG hugs, especially today.

  9. All of those negative things you're feeling aren't who you really are most of the time, but they're all completely normal feelings to have right now. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do; you won't feel this way forever.

    Thinking of your Angel today. (((hugs)))

  10. This is my first time to your blog and your post really stuck me. I'm also a single girl who is struggling with wanting to be a mom. I got pregnant after my second IUI and had a miscarriage at 8 weeks 2 days. Your thoughts are exactly how I am feeling and I am dreading my due date which is May 1. I feel like I am surrounded by pregnant people! Anyway, all of that to say, I think your feelings are normal but they can make you feel bad for feeling them which makes you a person with a conscious. I will have you in my thoughts.

  11. Sorry this is so hard. Even though I'm on the other side, I haven't fully recovered from the struggle to get here. I have a hard time at the SMC meetings I go to when I hear someone say they got pg on their first clomid IUI. I'm very jaded. Last one I went to, a 43 yo asked me me if I thought she should try an UNMEDICATED IUI. At 43! Uh, let me think ... NO! Hang in there, it's worth it.

  12. I so could have written this post. My first cycle, I was just SO SURE. I mean, I had myself convinced beyond a shadow or a doubt I was pregnant. To the point that when I started bleeding, I was convinced I was having a miscarriage. Because I just HAD to have been pregnant.

    But I wasn't. I never was. All the signs said I would be, but I wasn't.

    And it hurt that much more because of my positivity.

    I am so sorry you are going through this friend. I wish there was more I could say than that, but it's all I've got.

    And also - guys are dingbats. I had an ex (who is now in a great relationship) e-mail me on facebook after he had seen something I had written eluding to babies. It was an equally awkward conversation...

  13. Ladies, I can't thank you enough for all the support!

  14. Hi Michaela,

    Will you be taking Menopur for your next cycle? I have three vials that I can give you for free if you want. They expire January 2011. Let me know.. just leave a comment on my blog if you are interested.



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