Butterflies...

When was the last time you had butterflies?

Where the thought of someone or something made your insides all a flutter?

It seems the older we get the less times butterflies visit our being filling us with anticipation and excitement.

I guess I could say at the beginning of my TTC journey...at the moment in the cycle when it all became possible...insemination or transfer day...I would have butterflies...an anticipation or excitement of what could be...but after years of disappointment those butterflies turned to dread.

Butterflies symbolize transformation, rebirth and renewal.

My very first tattoo was of a butterfly and recently in memory of my lost babies, I have a tattoo collection of butterflies and dragonflies.

They represent transformation, rebirth, renewal...

And when we get the butterflies fluttering around inside...it's because we know that there can be a transformation into all these wonderful possibilities.

A transformation into all things possible and all we have ever dreamed of...

I think that's what attracted me to Mr. Selleck...the possibility of an amazing transformation that I saw for us...he gave me butterflies...a feeling that I haven't had in over 10 years...

And I think that is why I was so addicted to cycling...the possibility of a transformation...before the butterflies turned to dread...

When I stopped cycling (and hey the jury is still out on this one because the pangs of addiction run deep)...when I stopped cycling...I didn't know what to do with myself...I had lost my purpose...

When Mr. Selleck walked out the door...those butterflies turned loose inside of me...instead of being a flutter of possibilities it was a constant beating of their wings...an almost unsettling fury of fluttering going on inside of me...turning to dread.

And I recognized what that was...it was heartache...and I did know heartache...but this was a completely different kind of heartache than TTC...one that I had forgot existed because I protected myself so well...              

I thought about him every day (and I still do think about him every day).

I couldn't imagine not seeing him again and yet he was gone.

I couldn't imagine him not feeling the same way I did either...but I had to try to calm the butterflies...quiet the dread and move on.

He made the choice and it was out of my hands.

My first thought was to  immediately start dating again...

You know the old saying: "The best way to get over a man is to get under another"

So I decided that was what I was going to do...

But it really doesn't work that way...

I couldn't see myself with anyone but Mr. Selleck...he was the only one I wanted to be under...and that makes moving on very hard.

Plus trying to date is a nightmare...

I manage to set up a first date...a first date with someone who wasn't my Mr. Selleck...he was more of a Tom Hanks...and there is nothing wrong with a Tom Hanks...

One night Mr. Selleck and I were watching TV. Mr. Selleck was flipping through the channels and stopped on some movie from the early '90s.

And for the life of me I cannot think of the name of the movie or the actress but she says:

"When I was in high school I wanted Tom Hanks to be my boyfriend"

And Mr. Selleck said:

"Really! Tom Hanks!"

And I replied: "Oh most definitely! Tom Hanks is stable. Tom Hanks is solid."

So Tom Hanks is not a bad thing...it's just...

I didn't have butterflies...

I set up my first date with Mr. Hanks on the same day I was going to meet the redheaded psychic. I would have my reading and then meet Mr. Hanks for lunch.

Then 3 days before my date and before meeting the psychic, Mr. Selleck text me...

"I've been thinking about you."

I wanted to be like: "Too bad!" but instead I text back:

"I miss you!"

And just like that the butterflies were back...

And just like that me and Mr. Selleck were back...

When Saturday came, Mr. Selleck and I revisited the scene of our second date...we went to that little spiritual shop in the quaint town of Montclair, NJ.

While Mr. Selleck waited for me outside, I walked down a set of stairs into a quiet little room and sat down at a tarot card table strewn with scarves.

The redheaded psychic sat across from me and smiled.

She then asked me to place the palms of my hands face up.

She placed the palms of her hands face down on top of mine.

She said she wanted to feel my energy.

She closed her eyes. I watched her as she slowly pulled the air out of the room and into her being. I could feel the energy pulsating between the palms of our hands and then quietly, as she released the air back into the room, almost in a whisper she declared:

"Butterflies"

"I see butterflies"