Saturday, April 27, 2013


The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity


You turn off the lights but the last thing you want to do is sleep. You turn off the lights but the sun is rising and it's filling your room with illuminating streaks. The birds begin to chirp. The neighbors begin to wake. Your heart is racing and your blood is pumping.  You try to relax. You put in the same movie that you have watched over and over and over again. You hope that the half gallon of booze you drank is enough to bring you down. But all your body wants is one more line. And all your hearts wants is for it all to stop.  And your brain, all your brain can think the whole time is: "Oh my God...I've done it again!"

You toss...turn. You're tense. It's 6 am and you are wondering how you are ever going to make it to work later that day.  You swear if you just go to sleep: "I'll never do it again".  All the while concocting a plan on how to get some more to get you through the next day because:

All your body wants is one more line...

One more line to make it stop...

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
~ The Black Crowes

I have had many addictions and I debated about whether or not I wanted to share them here, explore them here...there might be people in my real life that read this and have no idea how deep my addictions ran...

After all, I was supposed to be the "good one".

I also run the risk of harsh judgment...but hey I am a "Who gives a f'ck!" kinda gal!...and I am pretty sure no one will judge me any harder than I do myself.

So do I open up and explore my addicted past...

I think I just did! Yes, I was addicted.  

I spent many nights as described above.

I remember when Sober came out by Pink...I posted that video on my Facebook page.  One of my good friends (who is much younger than me) said: "Yeah, I watched the video. I just don't get it." and I said to him: "That's because you've never been addicted"

Yes, I was addicted.  

"Looking for myself SOBER" ~ Pink

And battled. And I won...and it is in the past now.

So I shouldn't beat myself up right?

The past is the past right?

We should embrace it. It makes us who we are today...Right? does make us who we are today...

But what if in the process of making you who you are today, it destroys who you wanted to be!


My relationship with Sio was an addiction.

When I was with Sio I knew that we weren't meant to last. He was too young. Too unsettled. I was looking to settle down. A mixture for failure.

Sio and I should have been nothing more than a fling and I should have moved on.  But I couldn't.

I had been single for a while so when Sio came around, flirting and showing interest it was like I had to have it.

I couldn't let go of that thing...that thing that made me feel loved...

I remember at the time talking to one of my "shore house" girlfriends and she asked me: "What are you doing?"

 I said to her: "He loves me. I'm just not ready to give him up yet. Just a little while longer." 


And when Sio would go and act like the 20-something he was I would get mad. We'd have a big fight and I would leave him.

Only to have him beg me not to go. He would tell me how much he loved me and I would cave and take him back every time all the while knowing....knowing it should end...knowing I had to give up that thing...

This went on for years...I was addicted to it...

I was addicted...addicted to that vicious cycle of "I hate you!" "I love you".

And like any addiction in the end it always does more harm than good.

But I needed that "thing" so desperately.  Taking him back was the only thing that would make it stop. Make the heartache stop...


Addiction is consuming me again.  

And the object of my addiction is the only thing I can think about now.

The funny thing about addiction is that it is always with you and I am not going to lie...lately...there are days when I want to go out buy a pack of smokes and a bottle of whiskey and call it a night...drown myself in alcohol and nicotine...

But I am addicted to something else...

Something much bigger...

Something greater...


TTC is the most consuming and self destroying addiction I have ever had...the lengths that I am going to are beyond and I can't stop...

Like any good addict I keep trying to find a way for "just one more".

"And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame" ~ Pink

Yes, I am cycling again...

Because this time, this one more time is the time that's going to make it stop. Right?

This time it has to work and then the pain will stop...Right?

Just one any cost...just one matter what the price...just one more...

But eventually...I will have to come down because like any addiction in the end it always does more harm than good.

Trying to make it stop!

And all the while it is making you who you will be...but what if it's not who you want to become...

"When it's good then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, "Never again"
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend" ~ Pink



  1. What a powerful post. I hope that you are successful this cycle!

  2. Wow! Yes, very powerful and brave. Sending love and hope.

  3. In many ways I'm addicted too. Willing to do almost whatever it takes to get what I want... with many physical and emotional costs.

  4. So so moving. Hoping from the bottom of my heart this cycle is The One for you

  5. I started reading and just knew what the ending would be. I hope this cycle ends the addiction with a happy ending. Love you. Oneforlis

  6. Oh friend. I so hope this is the cycle that ends the addiction... Praying so hard for you it hurts.

  7. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you get good news this cycle.

  8. This is such a beautiful and powerful post and I greatly appreciate you opening up and talking about it. Even if I have never experienced an addiction to drugs or alcohol I think we can all relate when it comes to being addicted to TTC. It takes over your whole life and gets to the point that nothing else matters but cycleing and thinking ahead to the next cycle. I am praying that this is the one for you and the recovery can begin.

  9. Praying for you. I really hope this one is the charm. I know how tough this journey is and how much you have gone through--you so deserve it. Are you still cycling at the same place or somewhere else? Much love to you.



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