Sunday, January 22, 2012

And this could be why I am single....

I had left the dating scene a long time ago. It was absolutely too much to take. I tried all the online dating sites and it proved to be a case of "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" with it mostly being the latter. As a matter a fact I met very few "almost" good.

I went on dates where the guy would show up in sweat pants looking like he just mowed his lawn. Or talking on his cell phone the whole time. Or looking about 10 years older or 5 inches shorter than what was on his profile. Or trying to get "some action" on the first date (really fellas that needs to stop! Show some respect!). Or an ex convict who went to jail for 7 (no you are not reading that wrong), yes 7 years for armed robbery. I think once I was done lifting my chin off the ground my exact response was: "You're not planning on doing that tonight are you?".

And on and on and on...The Bad and the Ugly.

So I gave up. Closed my profile never to return.

And it's a good thing because I am pretty sure trying to have a baby would scare away any potential "Good" that might come my way and put a damper on any blossoming romance.

So I decided to pull out (ha! there might be a pun intended there!)

I decided early on in this journey that I was done with dating even though I still dream about the guy I would someday hopefully find. I even sat down and wrote on a piece of paper all of the qualities I am looking for in a man and sent it off into the universe. A ritual I know many women have done. S.I.F. and her friends did it on New Year's Eve over a year ago and some had some success. And my mother did it and she has been living with her boyfriend now for over a year.

I would write on my list things like: Just the right height for me, just the right age, handsome, funny, politically neutral (I need someone who sees both sides), loyal, faithful, active, open, honest, not allergic to cats (NYPD was allergic to cats and I chose the cats!), my best friend, loves me warts and all, and many other wonderful qualities I was looking for in a man.

And I would also put "walks through my front door" somewhat as a joke because I have no idea how I am ever going to meet a man unless he walks through my front door!

But alas... I have now used alas in a sentence on three posts! I think I need to work on the word "hence" next!...anyway...

But alas I have been writing about my ideal guy for over 2 years now and he's still a no show!

To be honest my exit from the dating world really hasn't been that bad. I mean after all for quite some time, I did have FB (aka the Itch Scratcher) and we let's just say having your itch scratched on a regular basis does take the edge off!

But as my journey progressed, the Itch Scratcher and I went our separate ways. I felt that if I was going to be with someone it should be something more. And now well, it's been quite some time since then and I am feeling well, let's say, a little more "itchy" than I anticipated. Definitely craving some male attention and a relationship. But I can't bring myself to subject myself to the online Freak Show.

So how is a gal supposed to meet someone.

Well, as I have said, I have no idea.

But I do know how not to meet someone and I do that with perfection...

About a year ago there was a gentleman doing a workshop at a school on retirement savings. I happen to be at that school that day on business. I overheard some of what he was presenting and afterwards I asked for his business card. I really didn't think much about it or take much notice of him. I just wanted information on retirement savings and what not. After all I was trying to have a baby and this was something I should have in place.

So I had contacted him via email but then never pursued it.

I ended up dumping my life saving into fertility treatments so focusing on IRAs went out the window.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I contacted him again to set up a meeting to go over some financial planning. I'm trying to get my head back above water.

I certainly couldn't take off of work for this meeting especially since I used to have all those fertility RE appointments that had me coming in late or leaving early. I figured now that I have given up my $50 + a week ultrasound habit and my $200 + a month meds habit that I could start saving and definitely wanted a meeting but taking off work was out.

He said he did meet with people after work at their homes so, I was meeting him Thursday at 5:00pm at my condo.

Now the day before I straightened up a little bit but I really could have done more. And in hindsight I really should have.

The day of the meeting I left work right on time so I could get home a little early but instead of rushing home to make sure my condo didn't look a mess, I decided to stop at the store and pick up a bottle of wine. You know, priorities!

So I was home maybe 2 minutes before the door bell rang and he was here.

Right away I noticed that he was cute and I thought "Wow, I don't remember Finance Guy being cute. He's probably married anyway."

I welcomed him in.

He was also greeted by these two:

Meet CalvinMeet Runt

Calvin had decided to go off and hide like he does every time company arrives but Runt has to be noticed.

The first thing Runt did was jump up on the chair that Finance Guy was going to sit in and sprawled out!

Laughing I said: "He likes to be the center of attention. I hope you're not allergic."

Finance Guy said he wasn't and sat down after I vacated Runt.

It was then that I noticed that one of two kitty culprits had kicked a ton of cat litter out of the box. It was driving me crazy sitting there looking at it. To the point that I got up and grabbed a broom and dust pan.

I said: "I'm sorry I just have to do something real quick." And I went over and swept up the litter sprinkled all over the floor and admitted to my embarrassment.

Now I was pretty sure I looked like the crazy cat lady who talks about her cats like they are people and doesn't clean their box. For the record I had cleaned their box the night before but somehow this day of all days one of them decided to do a jig inside the box!

But as I said I was pretty sure this guy was married (even though no ring) so I was really just concerned about looking "unclean".

As the meeting progressed Runt decide to come over and lay on the Finance Guy's feet and lick his shoe.

I have no idea why! To make me look even worse.

Finance Guy says: "Ummm your cat is licking my shoe."

I just shook my head, laughed and said: "He must really like you". Which in fact is a lie. Runt pretty much cozies up to anyone he thinks might feed him. I mean look at the size of this cat. Food is his only motive.

This is Runt's "Woes is me...I'm hungry!" pose

And then the Finance Guy reached down and started petting Runt and I thought that was nice and awkward.

So the meeting continued.

He was going over 401Ks, IRAs, Life Insurance and the difference between Term and Permanent.

He mentioned that for Life Insurance they would be going over all my medical records which prompted me to announce my infertility treatments.

Really? Why? Why would I mention such a thing. But I did.

And that wasn't all.

I talked about wanting a baby and on the counter was a basket of baby things I left out.

I think at one point there was a small mention of politics and I even mentioned Stockbroker boy who I dated many moons ago when the topic of stocks came up.

Once again WHY? I guess I was just trying to be funny or looking for something to say! Something stupid and embarrassing? I don't know but I couldn't stop.

He asked to use my bathroom. I should have run in there first to make sure there wasn't anything "unmentionable" just hanging out and to check the toilet for any undesirable marks (oh come on you know what I mean!) because once again I chose wine over a quick clean up. And there was of course unmentionables out on display! And I should have made sure Runt wasn't in the sink and he was!

So Finance Guy walks into this:

Runt's in the sink!

He's like: "Ummm...your cat is in here."

Now he was gracious when my cat was licking his shoe but I am pretty sure he didn't want my cat watching him pee!

So I go in there and try to hide shit as I am "oh so conspicuously" shoving the box of tampons under my sink and getting my cat out of the sink.

I'm like: "Oh, he likes water"

Which Runt does but there I go again talking about my cat like he's a person.

Finance Guy pees and then the meeting commences....

At one point the conversation turned to taxes and I said that because I am single I get completely raped with how much I pay in taxes. I have no deductibles. I was going on about how it would be nice for the government to give singles a tax break. A "Thank you for not clogging up the divorce courts" tax break.

Finance Guy was laughing and then said: "I know what you mean. I'm single too."

What What What!!

It was then that I noticed how cute Finance Guy really is and how not cute I was looking. No make-up (which I rarely have on but still)! I have gained what I call my undesirable "non baby" weight and since going through this journey due to non-stop meds that alter your shape and your appearance well, I have been feeling like I've lost my pretty . And in this moment of realization I knew I was not sporting my pretty.

It was then that I also realized all of the stupid things I said that I would have never said if I had known he was single....And it was then that I realized that he is pretty much everything I wrote down on my little list of what I was looking for in a man including "Walking through my front door".

But I am pretty sure that even if let's say for one second Finance Guy did find me attractive (which I highly doubt)...I rapidly put the kabosh on that as soon as he walked in the door with the antics of my cat, the litter, the tampons and then made sure of it throughout the rest of the conversation about babies, politics, guys I've dated, fertility, the money I've spent on it...I think at one point my comment was: "If you knew how much I'd spent you'd jump out that window".

So let's go over what you shouldn't do when a single man does magically walk through your front door.


1. Assume they are married.
2. Not clean up! Litter and bathroom!
3. Stop for wine - Okay that's just crazy! Make sure you are stocked up ahead of time!
4. Clean up in front of them.
5. Look like the crazy cat lady.
6. Talk politics.
7. Talk about men you've dated.
8. Talk about your infertility.
9. Talk about babies.

I will say this though, when Finance Guy was walking out, he said goodbye to Runt and then said: "A friendly cat that likes water. Interesting."

And he was gone and I was so glad I had that bottle of wine!

So we know this much...Runt knows how to make a good impression. I only wish I did.

Notice Runt's Heart Shaped MarkingMe trying to be silly at Thanksgiving



  1. So funny Michaela. So similar to me and my two cats! I love the pic of Runt in the sink. :) Lisa

  2. I could completely and totally see that happening here- except it would be the dogs who would not move off the sofa. Is it bad to say that I am glad I am not the only one who screws up every time I get around a halfway decent guy? :-)

  3. Ha! You had me laughing out loud! Great story. I actually admire your ability to make conversation and help him feel at ease. Well you have to see him again to follow up, right? So maybe you can have another chance to connect. . . :-)

  4. Your post had me laughing too. I love that pic of Runt in the sink. He looks so comfy in there - like its the most natural thing to do.

  5. Your cat is hilarious! What a good icebreaker! I hope you get to see that guy again and have a part 2 to the story. He sounds like a good prospect!

  6. Totally sounds like the kind of antics my dogs get into! You never know, maybe he will appreciate that you were more of a real person rather than some girl that is fake on a date.

  7. I love your cats and who knows...! He might come back through your door again.

  8. I love this post. If I were him I'd totally be interested because of the honesty of the situation.

  9. Thanks for sharing this story -- sounds like a perfect romcom setup!

  10. Hehehe that is so something that would happen to me.

  11. It's scenarios like these that make me scoff at those who say, "You'll meet Him when you least expect it!" They don't realize that when I least expect it I'm in sweats, hair half in a pony, half flying about wildly, no make up, etc...great story

  12. I love this post, Michaela. Your cats are beautiful and Runt sounds a bit like one of mine (loves water, sits in the sink and has to be the center of attention). Who knows? You all might have charmed him!




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