Friday, May 31, 2013

In my head...

It's funny how your brain conjures up images and pictures of things that you want to happen or could happen...

One event occurs and I can imagine a whole lifetime of events that follow.

You go on a first date and if all goes well you are imaging more dates, your first kiss and your first time...

Does it usually happen that way? No!

But you still keep coming up with scenarios.

You do it with job interviews, planned vacations, things as small as meeting for drinks after work all the way to how your cycle is going to end...

I've imagined that my blog would become a documentary or feature film.

I've even imagined starting a Facebook  page for Runt that would rival Grumpy Cat!

You imagine all these wonderful, beautiful scenarios hoping that something wonderful and beautiful will come out of whatever situation has your imagination a buzz.

It's amazing how many outcomes that have never come to see the light of day that have lived inside my head.

But it never ends the way I imagined. (Although Runt could still have his own Facebook page!)

I just keep coming up with these scenarios and it seems that all the scenarios that I have created always end up happening for others!

With my first pregnancy, I was still bartending. For the first month I would sneak off from behind the bar to grab a snack to settle my stomach or to get away from a nauseating smell usually emanating from a patron and all the while I am imagining how I am going to tell all my "Leaf" girls and how  with each shift my belly will become more and more visible.

But no, that didn't happen. I miscarried on Saint Patrick's day while bartending and no one was the wiser. I always think to myself..."Man it's a good thing our uniform had black pants"...because on that day all would have been the wiser if we didn't.

I ended up leaving that job and not too long after one of my "Leaf" girls got pregnant and with each shift she worked her beautiful belly became more and more visible.

I've imagined an "oops" natural pregnancy (and yes there were "opportunities")...but that vision was not for me...but for someone else...

I've imagined high betas, twins, ultrasounds, due dates...

Nope...nope...nope and nope...all to others.

I've imagined my adoption coming through and every Sunday in church when Pastor Don does "Time with Children"  I envision my little baby (okay boy, I will admit it...when I've envisioned it, it was my little boy) running up and sitting on the steps next him.

Actually there have been many things I have imagined in church.

All not so pleasant though.

As I have stated before I am struggling. Struggling with faith. And giving up on believing...

So many times in church, especially when we are sharing the sign of peace I almost expect the whole congregation to turn and point at me while screaming because they have spotted a non believer in their midst...just like the scene at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers....

Especially now since I have made the conscious decision to say "He is not."

I don't have the heart to tell Pastor Don. I don't have the heart to tell him I don't believe.

See Pastor Don wrote the most amazing letter of recommendation for me for my adoption so I always envisioned walking into church with my baby knowing he would be blessing my baby and my baby would inherit his faith.

If on Sunday there's a Christening. I watch the service in a daze as I day dream about Pastor Don holding my little baby up for all the congregation to see as everyone sings "Jesus Love Me".

And if there was one daydream, one scenario that I have envisioned, that I would give anything to see come true it would be that...but once again it is not for is for someone else...

Pastor Don has retired.

He ends his service in one month.

I already feel like such an imposter.  But if there is one thing that I do believe in when I walk into that is Pastor Don.

I believe in him.

I believe he believes...

Without him I don't know if I can keep up the facade.

I can't envision sitting in the pew listening to another give a sermon...

Without him I am positive they will all turn and point and scream...



  1. I've been feeling a bit like this about my faith too. I was so into it and now it's crumbling. My husband's faith is a high point. I don't want to bring him down. And I feel embarrassed to bring my concerns to the pastor. What was once a source of support for me is now a big question mark.

    Wishing you well in your faith and journey to a family.

  2. I'm sorry to hear that your pastor is retiring. When all of this crap keeps happening, you have to wonder if life is just messing with you or is holding out to give you something good in the end. Most of the time, statistically speaking, it is the latter, although you'd never believe it while wading through the crapfest. I hope your gift comes soon.

  3. if he hasn't moved away, maybe Pastor Don will come back to bless your baby when the time comes. Life sucks sometimes and it really sucks when it feels like one thing keeps coming after another.

  4. I'm sorry you are losing Pastor Don. :-( I relate to what you're saying about imagining the future and it being hard when that future doesn't materialize. You're not alone in these feeling of frustration and sadness. And sometimes they come up more around losses like you're feeling with Pastor Don. Hoping some good things come your way this summer.

  5. My 1st thought was the same as Nell's. if Pastor Don isn't moving away, couldn't he come bless your baby? Either way, it doesn't change how much it sucks that he's leaving.



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