First, I want to thank everyone who donated to my cousin's son! I am always humbled by the generosity of others. You are all truly inspiring. And of course we are always open to more generosity...
Click here to Donate
Second, I will be swearing a lot in this post. Sorry but when I'm upset my Jersey girl comes out and sometimes the only thing left to say is fuck!
I am almost at the 4 year mark. This summer it will be 4 years since I first walked into an REs office.
I was naive, clueless...I thought I would get pregnant on the first try!
I didn't know people didn't get pregnant on the first try.
I thought the only thing I was missing was the man... (Silly little girl...I actually mourned the man before moving forward!)
4 years later...
4 long years that have flown by.
4 years of heartbreak and sorrow.
4 years of dreams being shattered.
4 years of doctors, needles, drugs, poking, prodding and test after test after test.
4 years of hopes crushed, miscarriages, negative HPTs.
4 years of soul crushing loss and identity stealing suffering.
4 years!
4 years!!
4 YEARS!!!!
4 FUCKING YEARS!!!
4 MOTHER FUCKING YEARS!!!!
In my delusion I thought my miracle was just around the corner.
I thought if I just held on...
If I prayed...
If I begged for forgiveness...
If didn't lose faith....
If I kept trying...
Kept believing...
If I only...
Did acupuncture...
Wheatgrass...
Royal Jelly...
DHEA...
If I only...
Changed donors...
Changed clinics...
Did fresh...
Did frozen...
Tested for this...
Tested for that....
If I only... Adopted...
I have seen so many get their miracle.
So, so many....and it does fill me with hope and light...
Well at least for a little while...
Until another day passes...another week...another month...another year...
And I am back to...
If I only...do this that and the other thing....
So where's my miracle?
I am sick of being everyone's greatest fear come to life!
"I'm so afraid this cycle won't work."
"I'm so afraid I'll never get pregnant."
"I'm so afraid I end up with nothing."
"I'm so afraid I won't ever be a mom."
Well, "HEL-FUCKING-LO" have you met Michaela!?
Yup everything that everyone fears while facing IF...I am the god damn poster child!
And yes, is this post a little self pitying...you are damn fucking right it is.
For those of you thinking: "Count your blessing." Blah Blah and etcetera...I do every single fucking day.Thank you very much!
I love my life. I love my friends and my family. I love my condo and my kitties.
I recently went back to school and I love it!
Every day I express my gratitude.
I am cheerful and happy....well maybe not cheerful...but I have a hell of a sense of humor...and I laugh a lot...
Most wouldn't last 5 minutes never mind 4 years.
So where the hell is my miracle!?
Every night I pray and every morning I say Thank you!
And I kept telling myself that fear is not being able to see my miracle right around the corner...
That I need a faith greater than fear right! Right?
And if I have a faith greater than my fears I can have peace knowing that my miracle will come...right?
But it's been 4 years...
4 torturous years...and now all I can think after watching so many get their miracles...all but me...is that God must have ran out.
There are no words that I can say that will heal the pain you are feeling. Still, I'm sorry that this is how things have turned out, it fucking sucks, plain and simple.
ReplyDelete:( I don't have any magic words to make you feel better... every thing is too fucking cliche anyway. Just know I'm thinking of you and that my miracle is sitting somewhere in limbo with yours. Hope they're having a drink or 3 for us! :)
ReplyDelete:( Definitely worthy of cursing and I don't think it's self-pitying.
ReplyDeleteI want to tell you that I believe there is a miracle waiting for you & I believe you will be a mom to a take home baby, not just angel babies...but what the fuck good does that do you? It fucking sucks that you've had to have so much disappointment & heartache in the last four years. I am keeping hope in my heart for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Why the hell do some people get babies they don't even want, when women like you have to struggle so fucking long?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some way to help, some way to make it better. Sending you much love.
Wow. It's as if you took my thoughts and put them down on paper. I'm waiting for my miracle too. This summer it'll be four years for us too. Four years.
ReplyDeleteAlso at 4 years. Have all the miracles been used up or given away? What gives, Universe? So sorry Michaela.
ReplyDeleteCuss, scream, cry! You don't have to tell us how grateful you are or that you have a good sense of humor every day. I don't have words to express how much this sucks for you! It's more than okay to let it out. I think of you often and continue to hope you will get your miracle... and soon! Life, and infertility is just so unf*&^*^ fair.
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DeleteSeveral years into my own IF struggle, someone sent me a card with a cover that said, "Everything happens for a reason." I almost threw it in the trash right then, but opened it to see the inside: "Usually it's because life sucks."
ReplyDeleteOK, that managed to make me laugh. I have no idea why such miserable, disappointing things happen (and suspect there IS no real "why"). I'm just sorry! Sorry to see someone trying so hard to do everything right (including the part about mourning a relationship before moving on) and still waiting for a miracle. I really hope that your wait is over soon.
(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteIt's been almost 5 years now and we've given up on life without kids since about 3 years ago. I hope that you've lashed everything out to God himself without any constraint...that helped me during my worst moments. :-)
P.S. Sorry for the misleading two comments before. Just realized my huge calculating mistake he he...but sometimes it does feel like TTC has been stopped a long time ago...