Thursday, November 11, 2010

A fear like no other: The return of Whiffer!


When I was little I used to play softball. I played on the Little League team and then played well into my teens. Anyone who plays softball knows that feeling of striking out. When strike three either whizzes past you or you swing and miss, its defeat. It’s even a greater sense of defeat when the game is on the line. Runners are in scoring position, the pitcher winds up and…bam…strike 1. Now your heart starts to race. You tell yourself its okay, you have 2 more chances. You wait for the perfect pitch and there it is. You swing. You miss. Strike 2 and it’s all on the line. One more strike and you are out. Game over. It’s pressure. It’s a lot of pressure and you are out of chances. How will it end? Will you watch the perfect pitch whiz past you? Will you swing the bat and miss or will you hit it out of the park? When I used to play softball at one time or another, I did all three. And although sometimes I struck out, I also knew that I could get a hit. My fear of the strike out didn’t overwhelm me. But there was one place that it did.

My overwhelming fear of the strike out didn’t come to me on the softball field. My fear of striking out showed up in my own backyard. My childhood friends and I used to play Whiffle ball in my backyard and there was one friend who when he pitched I could NEVER hit off of him! And that pitcher was cousin Bb. Yup cousin Bb struck me out every time. He wasn’t really my cousin. He was my childhood best friend LL’s cousin but I called him cousin anyway. I did that with all her cousins. I don’t know why initially I couldn’t hit off cousin Bb, maybe it was a childhood crush or the fear of embarrassment was too strong but there I was: strike 1, strike 2, strike 3 YOU’RE OUT!! Each and every time. And always at the hands of cousin Bb. Cousin Bb even gave me a nickname. Yup, I was called Whiffer! And the longer this went on the more terrified I became of batting against cousin Bb. There were games that if cousin Bb wasn’t pitching, when I got up to bat he would run to the mound (with the chant of Whiffer rising up through my yard) and 1, 2, 3 strikes I’m out and then trot back to the position he was playing. Just like that boom. The more this went one, the greater the fear became.

I’m down to my last IVF cycle. I was sure when I bought the 3 cycle package that I would hit it out of the park by my 2nd try. After my 1st failed IVF I was okay. I had 2 more chances. But now, now I have 2 strikes and the pressure is on. The fear is rising. I have 1 more chance and I can either hit it out of the park or swing and miss. I am terrified. It’s pressure. It’s fear. Which could be followed by the ultimate defeat and it’s in my own back yard. Am I destined to become Whiffer again? I am praying hard that cousin Bb isn’t pitching. I’m praying hard that Whiffer doesn't return.

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10 comments:

  1. Oh how I feel you on this one Michaela! I know if this round doesn't work for me, that's it... and I find that so terrifying!

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  2. Wow what a great analogy, I can understand that pressure you must be feeling.....I really hope it's no cousin BB pitching and you can retire that Whiffer nickname for good!

    Thanks for commenting on my blog. I have to say that the first time I saw a post from you I smiled, because of your name. Michaela (same spelling) was the very first girl name I picked back when we didn't know we were dealing with and had first started trying. You are the first adult Michaela I have "met" and when i saw your name in my comments, it just felt like a good omen, in more than one way. xoxoxoxoxoxox

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  3. You always have the best posts that sum up how you're feeling perfectly.
    You are a strong woman and I have no doubt you are going to slam that ball out of the park!! Not a whiff in sight :)

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  4. Oh hon, my heart goes out to you. I hope and pray this third round works out perfectly.

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  5. oh man I can relate to that feeling, so sorry you are feeling that way (totally understandable). sending positive, hopeful prayers and thoughts.

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  6. From one red-headed Michaela to another I can tell you that I feel your pain. Maybe 3xs is the charm for you. I hate IF it sucks hardcore. Here's the thing though it isn't over yet. Lots of Thoughts and Prayers going out to you. I am on my first cycle and I am freaking out. I don't feel any different and thought I would by now. Good Luck hon, I'll be following

    one-good-egg.blogspot.com

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  7. Michaela..we can only pray and hope for the best.. the rest is beyond our control. I'll be cheering for you as always.

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  8. Ladies once again I thank you for all your support and comments. They make a dark time a little brighter!

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  9. Hi, I´m new around here. I just wanted to tell you I understand that pressure. Today I have my 3rd IA and I´m praying it works because i don´t want to go to IVF. So just let us hope everything works well. I wish you all the best.
    http://steps2you.blogspot.com

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  10. lots of good wishes and pregnant vibes coming your way:)

    i hope this goes well for you.

    andrea

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