Wednesday, April 20, 2011
There’s still time to change the road you’re on…
The verdict was in. The call came through and Dr. Wow said those horrible words... “You are not pregnant” and I knew it. I knew I wasn’t. In my heart I knew. Before I even picked up the phone…I knew.
I was not pregnant and my last IVF cycle failed. Yes, indeed Whiffer did return. I might have struck out but I had a plan. I was going to announce my Alternate Path and not look back.
The plan was clear. My Alternate Path was set. I was going to adopt from the DR Congo. And for those who were wondering, I called it my Alternate Path because I didn’t like Plan B or C or D. To me that felt like 2nd best and my Alternate Path was not 2nd best it was just a 2nd choice.
But something wasn’t right. I was crying all the time. I mean all the time. There was a pain residing in my heart that I knew all too well. But I couldn’t figure out why. I had a plan!
It was the anniversary of my miscarriage. I knew I had to grieve in order to move forward.
I spoke with a therapist.
I chronicled my miscarriage from the time I found out I was pregnant to the day I miscarried. I was trying everything to release and move forward.
I needed to be strong and all I was feeling is weak.
I wrote a letter to my child.
I cancelled my homestudy.
You see, I could picture myself going to the DR Congo.
I could see the amazement and the heartbreak of that country.
I could almost see my child’s face brightly shining through the devastation as I brought her home.
I could see all this and I pictured this so perfectly…
But I could also see myself pregnant. And I could also picture that so perfectly.
And I couldn’t stop visualizing me with a beautiful big belly. Seeing that 1st ultrasound. Seeing that 2nd and 3rd ultrasound. Seeing and hearing my baby’s heartbeat.
I could almost feel the life growing inside of me and I could picture the moment of birth.
The moment when my eyes meet my child's eyes. The child that I had carried.
I could see it all and I couldn’t let it go.
And that is what I was mourning. And as hard as I tried. As much as I struggled to move past it…I couldn’t let go my dream of carrying a child.
And I knew something had to change….