The verdict was in. The call came through and Dr. Wow said those horrible words... “You are not pregnant” and I knew it. I knew I wasn’t. In my heart I knew. Before I even picked up the phone…I knew.
I was not pregnant and my last IVF cycle failed. Yes, indeed Whiffer did return. I might have struck out but I had a plan. I was going to announce my Alternate Path and not look back.
The plan was clear. My Alternate Path was set. I was going to adopt from the DR Congo. And for those who were wondering, I called it my Alternate Path because I didn’t like Plan B or C or D. To me that felt like 2nd best and my Alternate Path was not 2nd best it was just a 2nd choice.
But something wasn’t right. I was crying all the time. I mean all the time. There was a pain residing in my heart that I knew all too well. But I couldn’t figure out why. I had a plan!
It was the anniversary of my miscarriage. I knew I had to grieve in order to move forward.
I spoke with a therapist.
I chronicled my miscarriage from the time I found out I was pregnant to the day I miscarried. I was trying everything to release and move forward.
I needed to be strong and all I was feeling is weak.
I wrote a letter to my child.
I cancelled my homestudy.
You see, I could picture myself going to the DR Congo.
I could see the amazement and the heartbreak of that country.
I could almost see my child’s face brightly shining through the devastation as I brought her home.
I could see all this and I pictured this so perfectly…
But I could also see myself pregnant. And I could also picture that so perfectly.
And I couldn’t stop visualizing me with a beautiful big belly. Seeing that 1st ultrasound. Seeing that 2nd and 3rd ultrasound. Seeing and hearing my baby’s heartbeat.
I could almost feel the life growing inside of me and I could picture the moment of birth.
The moment when my eyes meet my child's eyes. The child that I had carried.
I could see it all and I couldn’t let it go.
And that is what I was mourning. And as hard as I tried. As much as I struggled to move past it…I couldn’t let go my dream of carrying a child.
And I knew something had to change….
It's so hard to battle that desire to carry a child. I too am trying to see where I will go. I'm thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see where your journey takes you to achieve your dream. And it will be perfect.
ReplyDeleteThat dream is something I hold on to fiercely as well. I liked how you framed the thought process from adoption to bio parenthood. It was not judgmental of how you were feeling, it simply "was". I think that shows great respect for yourself and your dreams.
ReplyDeleteI have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. You can stop by my blog to find out more about the award. :)
I knew when the phone rang too.. I just knew.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think I'm still having an incredibly difficult time letting go of that dream of carrying a child as well. I'm not sure that will ever change.
But I'm anxiously waiting to see what is next on the road for you.
I hate those phone calls. It's fertility hell. Whatever path you ultimately choose, will be what's right.... Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
ReplyDeleteHugs.