Round and Round…

*Note - In order for me to move forward. To move past the pain of loss and continue on my journey to motherhood, I need to revisit the past to find my future. This is the past.

After 5 grueling blood tests resulting in a satisfactory beta, Dr. Doom scheduled me for my 1st ultrasound only two days later. I felt it was too soon. I asked if it was too soon. He told me that they should be able to see a pregnancy sac by now and that is what he would be looking for.

I was nervous but I was thrilled (which is an understatement! I was f*%ing over the moon!). My betas rose appropriately and it was at a level that corresponded with being 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. I was pregnant. I knew I was pregnant and I felt pregnant. I celebrated by going out and buying a pregnancy journal on the advice of BFF M and started immediately writing in it. I told BBF V whose reaction was to say “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…” literally a hundred times through her tears of happiness and I told my mom.

Telling my mom was one of the best experiences. My mom, Sissy L and I were going out to lunch that day. We all met at my condo. My mom didn’t know about my struggles and TTC. There were so many times I so desperately wanted to tell her and there were so many times that I needed her but now, now I could tell her I did it!

We were all sitting in my living room when I went into my bedroom and came out with my baby basket. A basket I have been filling with baby stuff since my TTC journey began.

She looked at it and then she looked at me and then the basket and then me. I smiled and said “I’M PREGNANT!” and she jumped up and down hugging me and then said “Wait a minute, wait a minute…how did this happen?” Of course Sissy L and I had a laugh teasing my mom about the “birds and the bees” and then I went into a condensed version of my journey. I told her about my betas and Dr. Doom. She said “Don’t worry about that ass. You are pregnant. He was wrong when he said you couldn’t get pregnant right? Idiot!” We proceeded to go out to lunch with giant smiles on all of our faces.

I went in 2 days later. The Face Nurse wasn’t there that day. Another nurse Cecilia took my blood. Cecilia was a very sweet, kind woman. I remember her saying to me after she drew my blood “You are going to see your baby today. Aren’t you excited?” I smiled and said yes, but the truth was I was more terrified than excited.

I went through the ritual; pants off, paper napkin around your waist, feet in stirrups and I skootched all the way down so my butt was almost hanging off the edge.

Dr. Doom came in with Cecilia and proceeded with my internal ultrasound. He seems to be visibly agitated as he increasingly became more “aggressive” with the “probe” and then he said he was having trouble finding the sac. I don’t think at this time my heart was beating or I was breathing. I just kept praying as Dr. Doom rammed the “probe” around inside my cookie while he let out sighs of frustration. After a series of “Ugghs” he then removed the “probe” and printed out the picture of my baby from the ultrasound machine. I sat up. He showed me the picture. He pointed out how small my sac was stating that “This could mean the pregnancy isn’t viable or it could turn out to be a healthy pregnancy.” He told me that they would check my beta and see if it doubled again and that I need to come back for another beta in 2 days…just when I thought I had won, they throw me back into the beta game. He said he would call me later that day to let me know the results and just like that I’m back in the waiting game too.

And then he did something that made my heart sink…he stuck the picture of my ultrasound (of my baby as small as she may be) into his pocket and walked out.

I went home to wait for his call.