Monday, May 2, 2011


Is perception reality? And if we change our perception do we then change that reality?

At the very least I know that if we change our perception of a situation then we do indeed change our reality. We might not change other people’s reality but we will change ours and that is what I had to do. I had to change my perception on donor eggs.

I looked at donor eggs as a selfish endeavor. I thought that if I was going to use donor eggs and donor sperm that it would be a selfish act solely so that I could experience pregnancy, so that I could carry a child, so I could experience childbirth and so I could love and raise a child from birth.

I perceived them as selfish motives…in my mind…all selfish desires.

If I was going to use donor eggs and donor sperm than I should adopt. It was somehow my obligation.

But why would my desires to be pregnant, carry a child, give birth to a child and raise them from birth be anymore selfish than someone who wasn’t struggle with infertility? Any more selfish than any woman who has a bared child?

For myself, I perceived it as selfish. For anyone else I didn’t.

Pictures of me…
Remind us all of what could have been:

“I thought I had to have life growing inside of me to be a mother. Little did I know that the life growing in Africa could turn out to grow inside of me larger than I could imagine.”

That was a statement I wrote as I started to prepare for my homestudy. And that is the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be bigger than myself and my own selfish needs. I wanted to reach out and make a difference in this world. I wanted to be the type of woman novels are written about and think about it; couldn’t you just hear Oprah reading the lines above in awe…

And I still do want to be that woman. I know my heart is big enough and I was ashamed that I couldn’t let go of the desire to be pregnant.

But my desire to be pregnant is so strong. I want to carry a child. It’s something that I can’t let go of not even for Africa.

Then one day I was discussing this with one of my dear friends from college, who has 2 children of her own, she said to me, plain and simple:

“Why would you ever deny yourself that?”

And with that simple statement my perception started to shift.

I still want to adopt someday.

But adoption should only be done for the love of that child not because one perceives that they should…

Adoption to me is noble. It is stepping outside of you, reaching out to embrace a child.

It is noble.

But so is the woman who donates her eggs. She is noble. She is giving the most amazing gift.

I know there are many who might say “But there is financial compensation” and yes, that is true but what I am finding is that is secondary to most donors.

Two friends of mine have also offered to be my donor and that moves me beyond belief. That they would be willing to do such a wonderful, selfless act inspires me.

Everything happens for a reason even if the reason does suck but what I think I need to be focusing on now is the purpose behind the reason and maybe that purpose is of a higher nature.

Maybe the purpose is to allow someone to be noble for me.

I will adopt someday and become that person I perceive myself to be but for now I think my purpose is to accept this truly miraculous gift.



  1. It sounds to me as though you have reached a decision. It also sounds like a good one for you. Don't second guess yourself, follow your heart and remember that as far as humans are concerned: nothing and everything is selfish. Best of luck!

  2. Hi sweetie, it is a good decision. While you have probably already done all of your own research, feel free to email me about mine. I've joined (though not visited recntly) a few groups completely about this. I'm thinking of you, kiddo!

  3. beautiful post, and you are so correct, perception is reality. Sometimes we are so busy labeling things, that we just don't go with our organic feelings which will inevitably lead us in the right direction. I can totally see it happening for you.

    P.S. your post is time stamped 11:11 and your first comment is time stamped 1:11, that gave me goose bumps.

  4. Thanks for this post. I'm in a similar situation and struggle with the same thought about donor eggs. I too am coming around to think it's not selfish. It's good to hear someone else's ideas. Yours have helped me come closer to peace (not quite there yet, but that's another story).

  5. Sometimes we are more judgemental of ourselves than we are of anyone else. Our hopes and dreams are just as important and dear to us as other's are to them. Great post. I had the same thoughts rolling around in my head. Your decision sounds like it will bring you much peace and happiness, just as adoption will one day.

  6. Very beautifully expressed.

  7. You sound very thoughtful and wise. I think each of us has our own special path and only we truly can recognize and know it for ourselves. Your friends sound wonderful, I'm so happy they are there for you in this way.



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