Sunday, March 18, 2012

Without incidence...

The Luck of the Irish!

Saint Patrick's Day 2010 is a day that is forever etched into my soul.

On Saint Patrick's Day 2010 I had my first miscarriage.

I was at work, bartending when it started.

At the time no one knew I was pregnant. No one knew I was even trying. No one knew of my struggles.

And no one knew I was miscarrying.

I had 8 hours to go of waiting on wall to wall people drunkenly celebrating.

And through my fake smiles and green glitter I was heartbroken.

I could feel my cramps intensifying with every hour and well, the rest, let's just say I am very happy that our uniform was black.

I made it through that night but a part of me died that day. A part I will never fully get back.

One year later on Saint Patrick's Day 2011 I was once again bartending.

A series of unfortunate incidences led me to be let go from that job.

A job a loved.

I ended up leaving my work family behind.

I would have to say that the Luck of the Irish has not been raining down on me in the Saint Paddy's Days Past.

But Saint Patrick's Day 2012 went off without incidence.

And although I secretly mourned the loss of my baby, I was surrounded by family and friends, green shirts, hats and sunglasses, good food and a sense that maybe, just maybe my luck might be changing.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Even the Outsiders have a place to go:

I did not read the supportive comments on Mel's post over PAIL.

I did not read the ugly comments over PAIL either.

In fact I've read very few posts on the subject at all.

I didn't need to.

All those feeling being expressed.

Feelings of hurt and loneliness.

Feelings of friendship and camaraderie.

Feelings of anger and bitterness.

Feelings of defiance and self righteousness.

Feelings of love and understanding.

All of these feelings are feelings that I have felt at one time or another from the moment I was told I would most likely never have children.

I have felt them when I started trying to conceive.

While reading blogs or reading comments.

While creating a post or listening to the sound of my own sorrow.

While embracing the journey or dreading the next step.

I have felt them all and I am sure you have too.

And to be honest I never really thought about the blogs of those who've crossed over.

If it was someone I followed. In spite of my own pain I was truly happy.

And sometimes I could read their posts on their pregnancies or their babies and sometimes I couldn't.

When I could I would envision myself in that place.

The days that I couldn't. I simply wouldn't. I wouldn't read.

And I know there are some bloggers who have made it to the other side and felt that there TTC blog was no longer appropriate. So they closed that blog and started a new one. And whether or not I followed I don't think was their concern. Well at least in my opinion it shouldn't have been.

Blogging is about where you are in your life and what you have to say regardless if anyone is listening.

And once again on the days when things were too rough for me, on the days it hurt too much.

I simply wouldn't read.

I don't think that I ever thought to myself: "They shouldn't be posting that! They should be considering my feelings."

No never. Not in blog land.

But I am not perfect. I have had my moments of bitter thoughts.

Thoughts that go like this:

Read line about breastfeeding..."Seriously! Fuck!"

Click close on my web browser.

Read line about a morning sickness complaint...scream in my head "Yeah!! Try the alternative!!"

Click close on my web browser.

No I am not perfect. Being the Outsider hurts.

But I never thought my hurt was because of those that have crossed over and that they weren't being supportive of me. I never blamed them for my feelings and I have tried to be as supportive as my emotions would allow.

And I also have moments like this:

Read a post about baby's first foods..."Wow, I am so going to try that with my baby."

Read a post about a toddler's antics..."I hope I'm ready for that!"

And those were the days that I read.

But to be honest if I wasn't already feeling like the little girl with her nose pressed up against the candy store window longing for what's inside.

Or staring with enormous want for the puppy behind the glass.

And if I didn't already feel like I was forever on the outside looking in.

I do now.

Well I should say I did.

I will admit that initially when the PAIL uproar started it seemed to bring all those feeling of being left out to the forefront for me.

Like the glass wall has literally been put up in between the "have's" and the "have nots".

Now the prize is being waved in front of my face instead of being a part of the process.

And it deepened these hurt feelings.

But after my last post about how being the one still struggling has left me feeling like an Outsider. After expressing all these feelings of hurt and loneliness, I received so many comments from those feeling the same way. Feeling as if we were left alone on the battlefield.

And these comments made me realize that I am not alone.

And it shows me that even the Outsiders have a place to go.

And I think maybe that's all PAIL is trying to do is release their feelings of being so utterly alone.

I'm not sure how I really feel about PAIL. It does bring me the feeling of there's a fort, right in my own backyard, with a giant sign on it that says: "Members Only".

I also know the feeling of trying to belong. And PAIL evolved from that feeling.

So I don't really know how I feel.

I feel alienation and understanding?

Here is one thing I do know after all this is:

Even the Outsiders aren't alone.

They have each other.



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