Ladybug

Riding on the dashboard of my car is a Ladybug.  A stuffed Ladybug that sits there and watches over me as I drive.

A stuffed Ladybug who's once black hair has now turned blonde from the beams of sun shining through my car windshield for almost 20 years!

In 1998 for my 30th birthday (yea, y'all can stop doing the math! I'm no spring chicken!) I was finally able to buy myself my dream car! (and yes this Jersey girl can say y'all sometimes too!! I have southern relatives! and some southern roots!)

For my 30th I bought a 1994 Ford Mustang GT convertible with "5 on the floor" - that's a manual 5 speed transmission for those of you who were wondering what "5 on the floor meant" - a stick shift!

I am a firm believer that a Mustang should be 8 cylinders with a manual transmission.  Those who get a Mustang in a 6 cylinder and an automatic are missing the beauty of this classic muscle car! Ford shouldn't even indulge the pansy ass public by making the Mustang in a 6 cylinder automatic! To me it's sacrilege!

So in 1998 for my 30th birthday, I bought myself the car of my dreams in red of course!  My favorite color.  And to christen my beautiful car, I bought a black and red stuffed Ladybug and placed in the windshield. Ladybug has been my good luck charm, my protector, my travel companion, my safe journey as I gallivanted as far as my 5 speeds would take me.

And there on the dashboard of my dream car Ladybug stayed until 2008 when I sold my dream car and bought a new car, a Chevy HHR. I know a far cry from my beloved Mustang but I love this car too! And of course it is red and a stick shift. There are two mandatory things I need when buying a car: it has to be red and it has to be a 5 speed (well of course a 6 speed would do too!)

Ladybug fit in perfectly with my new car and there she sits to this day being my good luck charm, my protector, my travel companion, my safe journey.

On the day I got the call...tax day...there was Ladybug sitting on my dashboard, watching over me as I drove to my adoption agency.

My mom was meeting me there and then we were going to meet the birth mom and the grandmother together.

We met with the social workers first.

I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how this was going to go...I mean really is there a precedent? Is there any way to prepare for something like this?

At first we went over formalities,  then the social workers painted the picture of when the birth mom and the grandmother saw my profile and how they felt such a strong connection.

And now it was time to meet them...once again I wasn't sure what to expect...and I was scared...would I live up to this strong connection...

As they walked through the door...I felt like I was watching a movie...a movie that I didn't know how it was going to end...

The grandmother walked in. She came right over to me and said: "I feel like I want to hug you!"

I said: "Oh please do!"

And we hugged...we hugged as if we knew each other from a time gone past...

The birth mom was carrying something and reached out to hand it to me.

I was an Easter basket with bunny ears in it. But this basket wasn't weaved or in the shape of a bunny...

No this basket was black and red and in the shape of a...

Ladybug!

As the meeting progress, they told me of all the things that connected them to me...I felt a familiarity that is unexplainable...I studied them...I knew them...they were so familiar...and yes there was a strong connection and things that were just (add a sigh in here!)...things that were just kismet...for lack of a better word...that's the only way I can explain it.

I didn't mention Ladybug to them. Even after we started talking about all the amazing connections...for some reason I kept Ladybug to myself...until...until...

Until the day I picked up my daughter...

I gave the social workers two charm bracelets. One for the birth mom and one for the grandmother...

Two charm bracelets with a single charm on it...

a Ladybug...

I know they know...

And I want them to know that right now...sleeping safely in her crib...is our little Ladybug!

As predicted...

Mr. Selleck and I sauntered out of that quaint, spiritual shop in Montclair NJ, leaving the redheaded psychic and her predictions behind.

We found our way to a little Italian cafe for lunch.

As we sat sipping wine (Mr. Selleck and I enjoyed trying new wines) I started revealing some of the things the psychic saw in the cards...

And just as the redheaded psychic predicted, Mr. Selleck was "all on board"...

I  told him about her prediction that I would adopt a little Asian girl...

And he was "all on board"...

I told him about the dream I had with visions of Samuel...how it differed from what the cards predicted...

And he was "all on board"...

He was so "on board" with Samuel that he predicted my vision would come true. That I had the gift and the redheaded psychic...well she was a hack...

I went on to reveal that the redheaded psychic said she saw me pregnant and felt I would have both a child from my adoption and a child from birth...

Mr. Selleck...well...once again...he was "all on board"...

So "on board" that he wanted me to cycle again. I tried explaining the toll cycling takes on one's soul and the devastation of miscarriage but he just knew that it would work this time (if only I try....) because I now had the support of a man that loved me...I, of course, know better and told him I wasn't sure if I had the strength to try again.

I diverted the conversation...there is just something wrong with casually conversing about cycling with someone...someone who has no idea the pain it causes and no idea the post traumatic stress involved...even if that someone is "all on board".

Of course he inquired numerous times about what she said about him but I played it off...

And then...

Then...

I mentioned the mysterious "Big Decision"

And Mr. Selleck...well...you guessed it...

All on board!

He then declares:

"It will be whether or not you say yes or no!"

"Yes or no to what?"

My head ringing with the conductor yelling: "ALL ABOARD!!!"

"To whether or not you'll marry me!"

At that moment everything seemed to slow down...real slow...dreamlike slow...it felt like the moment  it took for me to respond was eternal.

Here I was looking at him...him...this man who less than two weeks ago blindsided me with his declaration that he couldn't commit was now sitting next to me mentioning marriage...

Could this be?

As predicted...("You won't be single for long!")

Could this really be?

Could it be that  the one part of "the dream" that I let slip away so long ago was sitting right next me?

I finally spoke:

"Well I guess we will have to wait and see."

Lunch went on. The conversation went on.

We made our way home to my place and made love all night (and aka fucked all night - I don't mean this in a crass way. There are some very strong connections when you are fucking too!).  Mr. Selleck and I had both that primal urge and the softer one...it was an erotic combination...

And that's pretty much how our nights continued to go...

Long slow kisses with Mr. Selleck on top of me...desperate grabs as he flipped me over and kissed the back of my neck...and an uncontrollable desire as he pulled me on top of him...

Our mornings were filled with love making too and afternoons were filled with texts of:

 "I love you!"

 "I miss you!"

 "I'm thinking of you!"

I remember after one of our nights  of pure erotic love making...

Mr. Selleck declaring that it was: "Mind blowing sex!"

And it was...mind blowing sex...

It's funny....I don't know if anyone could have predicted that kind of sex....mind blowing....

But another thing I don't think anyone could have predicted, not even the redheaded psychic , was how badly Mr. Selleck was really going to blow my mind!

It's in the cards...What does the psychic say.... Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

After the redheaded psychic  slowly exhaled filling the room with visions of butterflies, she gently released the energy holding the palms of my hands to hers and replaced it with the deck of tarot cards.

She then said:

"Think about all the questions you have and shuffle the cards."

I held the cards in my hands. I could feel their energy. I began shuffling the cards trying to focus on the things I wanted to know about...the questions I had...work, school, my adoption and of course Mr. Selleck.

Once I was done shuffling I cut the cards into three piles and then placed them back together into one.

The redheaded psychic began laying out the cards.

The different tarot card spreads (the way in which the reader lays out the cards) that I know are the Celtic Cross, which is a ten card spread focusing on one question and the Astrology spread, which is a 13 card spread that covers the 12 houses of astrology and a final card for the conclusion.

She used a different spread. One I had never seen before. I can't remember how many cards she put out but she laid them out in a square. Each side of the square representing a different season.

Once the cards had been carefully placed, the redheaded psychic then began studying there positions.

She went over different things the cards revealed giving me a general overview of what she saw.

She moved her hands to the area of the spread that represented spring and she said she saw good news coming in the spring. And I would receive this good news through a phone call that would change my life.

With each area (or at any time in the read) if I had additional questions she would take the remaining cards from the deck and then ask them for more insight on the subject.

I wanted to know more about my adoption but I didn't want to give the psychic too much information...so even though I myself had a very clear vision about my adoption and a little boy named Samuel...I asked her if she could see the gender...

She went to the cards...caressed them in her hands and quietly asked them for more information on my adoption...she flipped over three more cards...

And then she said:

"A girl!"

"A girl of Asian descent"

A girl?

Asian descent?

I then relived for her in detail the dream of Samuel.

She asked the cards one more time to show us the gender.  

She flipped one card...

As soon as I saw the card I knew...

The psychic smiled and said at the same time I did:

"A girl"

Interesting...

She said that I was contracted in this life for two children. That I was to be responsible for two souls...

It was then that I mentioned my infertility.

She said she saw me pregnant and not to be surprised if I had both a pregnancy and my adoption...

And as much I was enjoying her reading, I think she only said that because I mentioned my infertility...

It's a knee jerk reaction that people (even psychics) have when you tell them you can't have children...

It's the old "Oh it will happen."

I didn't want to burst her psychic bubble by telling her it literally (unless I turned out to be Mary and Mr. Selleck was indeed Joseph) was impossible.

I have no eggs and Mr. Selleck has no sperm. We are the perfect couple...a match made in heaven!

Even if by some miracle I did have "one good egg" left, Mr. Selleck had a vasectomy years before I met him...yeah I'm no psychic but my innate intuition is saying...impossible!

Then the reading turned to Mr. Selleck...

She said she saw a strong connection between the two of us, like we've known each other for a long time but in actuality we didn't. She saw that our relationship was new.

Now I didn't tell her anything about Mr. Selleck...how long we had been seeing each other...our connection...his recent break-up and his breaking things off with me and getting back together just days before...she knew none of this...

But it was all there in the cards...because you can't hide from the cards...

She said saw some "new" relationship issues that we would have to go through but they would work themselves out.

She said Mr. Selleck would be all on board with my adoption and not to worry.

She said that I wouldn't be "single" for long.

All the things she was telling me was exactly what I wanted to hear about Mr. Selleck.

I was afraid the cards were going to show Mr. Selleck pulling the same thing again and telling me he couldn't commit.

I was afraid that Mr. Selleck would leave again...

But the cards were in my favor...

Now there was a bit of a mystery in my reading too...

A big decision...

The redheaded psychic saw that sometime towards the end of the summer, beginning of next fall I would have to make a big decision...

I had no idea what that decision could be...

She returned to the cards imploring them to give us more insight on what this decision could be...

The cards would not give an answer...

The card are funny like that sometimes...basically their answer is...you will just have to wait and see.

I will just have to wait and see...

Now as the redheaded psychic was finishing the reading...she took one more look, closed her eyes and then opened them. When she did she went on to give me a little more insight on Mr. Selleck. 

She said Mr. Selleck would need to "go off" on his own sometimes...have these little "trips" as she put it where he would need to be by himself...

"Don't worry" she said.

"Give that to him."

"He is with you 100%!"

But the real question I neglected to ask her was if I would be with him 100%...

Butterflies...

When was the last time you had butterflies?

Where the thought of someone or something made your insides all a flutter?

It seems the older we get the less times butterflies visit our being filling us with anticipation and excitement.

I guess I could say at the beginning of my TTC journey...at the moment in the cycle when it all became possible...insemination or transfer day...I would have butterflies...an anticipation or excitement of what could be...but after years of disappointment those butterflies turned to dread.

Butterflies symbolize transformation, rebirth and renewal.

My very first tattoo was of a butterfly and recently in memory of my lost babies, I have a tattoo collection of butterflies and dragonflies.

They represent transformation, rebirth, renewal...

And when we get the butterflies fluttering around inside...it's because we know that there can be a transformation into all these wonderful possibilities.

A transformation into all things possible and all we have ever dreamed of...

I think that's what attracted me to Mr. Selleck...the possibility of an amazing transformation that I saw for us...he gave me butterflies...a feeling that I haven't had in over 10 years...

And I think that is why I was so addicted to cycling...the possibility of a transformation...before the butterflies turned to dread...

When I stopped cycling (and hey the jury is still out on this one because the pangs of addiction run deep)...when I stopped cycling...I didn't know what to do with myself...I had lost my purpose...

When Mr. Selleck walked out the door...those butterflies turned loose inside of me...instead of being a flutter of possibilities it was a constant beating of their wings...an almost unsettling fury of fluttering going on inside of me...turning to dread.

And I recognized what that was...it was heartache...and I did know heartache...but this was a completely different kind of heartache than TTC...one that I had forgot existed because I protected myself so well...              

I thought about him every day (and I still do think about him every day).

I couldn't imagine not seeing him again and yet he was gone.

I couldn't imagine him not feeling the same way I did either...but I had to try to calm the butterflies...quiet the dread and move on.

He made the choice and it was out of my hands.

My first thought was to  immediately start dating again...

You know the old saying: "The best way to get over a man is to get under another"

So I decided that was what I was going to do...

But it really doesn't work that way...

I couldn't see myself with anyone but Mr. Selleck...he was the only one I wanted to be under...and that makes moving on very hard.

Plus trying to date is a nightmare...

I manage to set up a first date...a first date with someone who wasn't my Mr. Selleck...he was more of a Tom Hanks...and there is nothing wrong with a Tom Hanks...

One night Mr. Selleck and I were watching TV. Mr. Selleck was flipping through the channels and stopped on some movie from the early '90s.

And for the life of me I cannot think of the name of the movie or the actress but she says:

"When I was in high school I wanted Tom Hanks to be my boyfriend"

And Mr. Selleck said:

"Really! Tom Hanks!"

And I replied: "Oh most definitely! Tom Hanks is stable. Tom Hanks is solid."

So Tom Hanks is not a bad thing...it's just...

I didn't have butterflies...

I set up my first date with Mr. Hanks on the same day I was going to meet the redheaded psychic. I would have my reading and then meet Mr. Hanks for lunch.

Then 3 days before my date and before meeting the psychic, Mr. Selleck text me...

"I've been thinking about you."

I wanted to be like: "Too bad!" but instead I text back:

"I miss you!"

And just like that the butterflies were back...

And just like that me and Mr. Selleck were back...

When Saturday came, Mr. Selleck and I revisited the scene of our second date...we went to that little spiritual shop in the quaint town of Montclair, NJ.

While Mr. Selleck waited for me outside, I walked down a set of stairs into a quiet little room and sat down at a tarot card table strewn with scarves.

The redheaded psychic sat across from me and smiled.

She then asked me to place the palms of my hands face up.

She placed the palms of her hands face down on top of mine.

She said she wanted to feel my energy.

She closed her eyes. I watched her as she slowly pulled the air out of the room and into her being. I could feel the energy pulsating between the palms of our hands and then quietly, as she released the air back into the room, almost in a whisper she declared:

"Butterflies"

"I see butterflies"

The Tarot Cards...

The concept of someone being able to get a glimpse into your future...the concept of prophets , psychics, and fortune tellers has been intriguing human beings since the beginning of time...

The idea that someone has an "in"...a way to know the unknown...

Who wouldn't sign up for that!!

And these prophets, psychics, fortune tellers have been portrayed throughout time in as many ways as the mind can dream up futures...

The prophets had a direct line to God. Hearing his word and spreading that word to the masses.

Psychics relied on their ESP to connect and see the future.

And well fortune tellers...they just relied on psychology to fool the fools...

We've all seen the movies with the fortune teller carefully laying out the tarot cards only to flip over the "dreaded" Death card and the poor recipient of this fortune was doomed to a fate worse than...you get the point...

And that is how I pretty much view the tarot cards, as some kind of charlatan's parlor trick.

I do believe in spiritual forces that can't be explained and I do believe that there are those amongst us who are more perceptive and in tune with their spirituality...

But tarot cards...no...it wasn't until I actually received a pack of tarot cards as a gift did I start to truly understand their gift...

And it was the "giver" of this gift that made me stop and explore the tarot.

My birthday is August 30th. Throughout my whole life many would wish me happy birthday on August 31st...including my own family!

There I would be, sitting around on my birthday, waiting for the phones calls or texts and they wouldn't come...I'd be disappointed wonder why this person or that person didn't call me on my birthday and  inevitably I would get the call the next day...

"Happy Birthday!!!"

"My birthday was yesterday."

"Really? Really? I thought it was today. The 31st right?"

"No my birthday is the 30th."

And so on and year after year...

It had gotten to the point where I even checked my own birth certificate to confirm my August 30th birth date!

Now,  almost 30 years ago, Sissy L was pregnant with her first child and she was due at the end of August.

I kept telling Sissy L that she had to have the baby on my birthday...she just had to...

On August 31st Sissy L gave birth to my 1st niece Jay and for the last time MY BIRTHDAY IS THE 30TH!!

My birthday is the 30th and my niece's birthday is the 31st.

Flash forward and I don't even know exactly how old Jay was (8 maybe ?) but Sissy L was in the book store and made a comment that she had  to pick up a birthday present for me.

Jay in her youthful innocence picked up a pack of tarot cards and insisted that be my birthday gift.

I remember sitting outside on the deck at my mom's house, celebrating both mine and Jay's birthday...Sissy L handing me my gift...opening it and saying:

"Tarot cards? Really Sissy!"

And Sissy L declaring:

"Jay picked those out for you!"

And I sincerely told her:

"It is the best present I've ever received."

It was because it was from her.

I started researching and learning the tarot.

I could write a whole post on how fascinating the tarot cards are...and what an amazing, rich history they have...and I just might do that one day...but for now I will leave it at this...

Did you know our regular deck of playing cards come from the tarot cards?

And the Death card DOES NOT mean death! It means rebirth...like the phoenix rising up from its own ashes...

Take some time...research them...I am sure you will be fascinated...

Is there something mystical, magical about them?

There can be...and I have experienced some of that...I can tell you there have been times where I have shuffled those cards...I mean really shuffled them...all 78 cards and pulled the same card over and over again...

But what I think it really is...it is your subconscious at play. For the most part I believe we already know the answers to our questions because we are in tune with ourselves and we just need to bring that to the forefront of our consciousness.  And since we subconsciously know the answer, it is our subconscious that picks the appropriate card for the question at hand.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned from the tarot cards is that your subconscious always comes through. You can't hide from what you know deep down inside and if the tarots are a reflection of that...then you can't hide from the tarots.

The cards will always give you away...

And just how much they give away I learned one Thanksgiving...

I would bring my tarot cards to family get-togethers or to a girls night and do readings for friends and family.

Because the cards will always reveal what's going on deep down inside of you...one of the rules when reading tarot cards is to ask the seeker (the person getting the read) if they would like the reading to be done privately...things might come out that they don't want others to know...

The other rule is...read the cards as is...good, bad and all that's buried underneath...never "throw" a read...whether you are doing it privately or with others in the room.

Well on this particular Thanksgiving my stepdad asked for a card reading. I asked if he would like me to do a private reading and he said no.

He shuffled the cards, cut the cards, picked the cards from the deck and I laid out the spread...

And in that instant...I knew...

With one look at the cards...I knew...

I knew he was cheating on my mother...

I went on to "throw" the read...

With my mother sitting right there I couldn't say what the cards were telling me...but he knew, I knew...

They divorced not too long after that.

There is no hiding from the cards and now I wanted the cards to tell me what I knew deep down inside but needed their help  bringing it to the surface for me to see. 

But  having this knowledge of the tarot and having experienced the magic and honesty of the tarot firsthand, I am extra cynical (who me!) when it comes to tarot card readers.

Either way I was looking forward to finding out what my reading would unveil.

There were many questions I wanted to ask.

Questions ranging from work, to school, to my adoption and of course questions about Mr. Selleck.

I knew deep down that me and Mr. Selleck had a connection...a connection stronger than I have felt in a long time...and I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to our story...

But what I didn't know was that on the day I sat down in front of the redheaded psychic  looking for answers hidden deep down inside, that Mr. Selleck would be going with me...and that we were experiencing a rebirth of our own...

And we all fall down…

(courtesy of google images)

In hindsight I can only speculate as to what happened.

But I will honestly never know.

He left on a plane in January 1995 and I never saw him again.

When did the cracks start to form?

When did it all fall apart?

As I said I can only speculate.

This is what happened the way I see it.

I have no other eyes to view this with.

But if I had to pin point when the first cracks started to form I would say it was in early 1994 after I got out of the hospital.

My sailor had come to stay with me at Christmas time like he had so many other times.

When he picked me up at the airport I showed him a series of bruises that had literally just started appearing all over my body.

Out of nowhere I would get a new bruise. And it was dark and purple and large. Bruises were covering my legs and I swore to him over and over that no one touched me.

Over the next couple of hours bruises started appearing on my arms and my eye even went black.

His exact words were: “Looking at you, I want to arrest myself”.

The very next day I went to my old childhood doctor. A doctor I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager because I rarely get sick. I knew that there had to be a logical explanation for this. In my mind I thought I ate something bad and was having an allergic reaction.

But by the time I got to the doctor, both my eyes were black, my legs and arms were covered in bruises and I had a bloody nose that would not stop.

My doctor immediately called an ambulance and had me rushed to the hospital.

You do not pass go. You do not collect 200 dollars. You do not go home and get clothes. Someone can bring them to you. You go directly to the hospital.

I was admitted to the hospital just days before Christmas.

And I would not be released until after the New Year.

To say that the whole experience was surreal is an understatement. From the ride to the hospital, to being admitted, to being taken to (God I don’t even know where) but they were giving me transfusions and asking if I knew my blood type and people who could donate…it was all so surreal and scary and lonely.

And then the tests…my doctor (being so sweet) said to me “We are going to do a series of bone marrow tests”

And I stopped.

And my heart stopped.

And I knew.

I mean I really knew.

I looked at my doctor two days before Christmas in 1993 and I said:
“Oh my God. You think I have Leukemia.”

And at that moment.

At that moment in time…

I didn’t know where my sailor was, or my mother was or even where God was.

I looked at my completely bruised body and all of these things hooked up to me and I felt like I hadn’t lived and that I might not ever have the chance to live again.

And my doctor put his hand in mine and said: “It’s okay. You’re going to be fine. I’ve seen this before with my son. You are going to be okay”

Only to find out years later that his son died of Leukemia.

And the tests…

Let’s just say that they were painful.

Very painful.

To the point of passing out painful.

But they came back negative.

Absolutely, positively negative!

And my sailor.

He stayed with me during the day and then stayed at my parents during the night but…

But he had to leave.

And like always.

I knew it.

He knew it.

But we ignored it until that day came.

And in the middle of all those painful, heart wrenching, soul stealing tests…he left…

He did come back as quickly as he could. He put in for an emergency leave and was back by my side two weeks later but…

But I was on crazy amounts of medication including some pretty strong steroids.

My emotions were everywhere and all over the boards.

But the one emotion that was constant was anger.

And I was angry at him.

I’m not saying it was right or wrong or justified.

It was uncontrollable.

And I think part of it could have been because I knew…

I knew he had to leave again.

I knew that at a time when I was at my loneliest he was going to leave me.

Leave me all alone.

And even though after I got released from the hospital and things went back to normal…

Normal being that I lived my life separate from him waiting for his return.

Waiting to live my life with him.

If I had to put my finger on it, I would say that was the first crack.

The first chink which would ebb out creating more and more cracks, leading to that fateful day in 1995 when he got on a plane and never returned.

Fairy Tales can come true?

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.”
-- Bette Davis

I walked around for weeks in a daze thinking about him with a dull ache knowing that I would never see him again.

I mean really, think about it, a British sailor, New York City, one night stand...well a couple nights stand...but still what are the chances that he wasn't bullshitting me just to get laid.

And trust me if he was, it worked! He had me at British or at sailor not sure which but this was the very first time I had let myself indulge in such an elicit fantasy and if all it ever turned out to be was an elicit fantasy that I could relive with a smirky, little “I did something naughty” smile on my face then so be it.

I was going to continue to re-enjoy the moment I had already enjoyed.

I am not going to say that I didn’t secretly wish that he would contact me but I wasn’t banking on it.

So when I walked to the mailbox that June day I was not expecting a postcard from Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Or the phone call to make sure I received the post card.

His postcard swept me off my already elevated feet.

“I don’t know what it was but meeting you sparked something off up top that I haven’t see or experienced for some time.”

He wanted to know if he could come spend his leave with me in August.

Of course I said yes.

That postcard was the first of many love letters to come and from that moment on I think I truly was “Walking on Sunshine” when I floated towards that mailbox. To this day going to the mailbox always brings me thoughts of him.

I can't even begin to tell what I was feeling as I picked him up at the airport that first time because picking him up at the airport after what felt like an eternity of being apart became a way of life.

The time in between was like living in quicksand.

And the time we were together flew at record speeds.

He came to the United States.

I flew to England.

His ship docked in Florida and I flew there to meet him and on and on and on…

And every time it was like meeting a stranger that I have known for years.

That first kiss…the taste was foreign yet very familiar.

We spent those first few days reacquainting our lips, our touch, our bodies and then rest of the time melding us back into one.

Back into us.

We would go on vacation with my mother and stepfather, spend time with M3 and her family, go to one of our favorite places, Great Adventure, to get our “fix” of rollercoasters (we both had a love for them!) and of course spent hours upon hours by ourselves; talking, laughing and loving more times a day than should be humanly possible.

All the time trying to ignore the fact that he would be leaving again.

And he would.

Leave again.

Plunging us into this strange dimension of being in love and being so utterly alone.

And in between, more love letters…

“When you pick me up at J.F.K. that is the time that I look forward to, after a long stay away from you, seeing you, touching you + smelling you. I don’t even know myself, when I meet you, how much more I can love you. But its always more that the minute before and I keeps growing.”

It was truly a fairy tale.

Until…

Until it all fell apart.

Maybe it had no choice but to fall apart.

Because fairy tales aren’t really real are they?

My Brother In-Law Vince…

I like to think of myself as a spiritual person but if I was to say that I was a religious person, I would be lying.

Yes, when I was younger I used to go to church with my Grandma Hope and yes, over the last two years I have started going back to church.

I am trying to be a religious person but I am not quite there yet.

You see every Sunday when I go to church I wonder if I am fit to sit in that pew.

I tend to have, I guess what I would deem, inappropriate thoughts in church.

Recently over Easter it seemed like every week we would do the Last Supper ceremony with the breaking of the bread and drinking of the wine (well, grape juice) and all I could think of was: “Again!! We are doing this again! Didn’t we do this last Sunday! Ughh…it adds like 20 minutes onto church” (and you can draw out that last statement with a childlike whine!)

And I might add that there have been other “ceremonies” added to the middle of the church service that received the same childlike whining response from me!! Of course only in my head.

That is somewhat inappropriate.

And then there was the time Pastor Don said “Shit” in the middle of the service.

He didn’t really mean to swear at all. He was trying to say two things at once and the word “Shit” came out of his mouth.

Now of course, I start chuckling and looked around to see no one else laughing. I mean, come on, the pastor just said “Shit” but it gets even better…after about 5 minutes Pastor Don says: “I feel I need to pray. Will you pray with me?”

And we all lower our heads and of course all I am thinking is “Pastor Don said Shit! Pastor Don said Shit!” (Inappropriate) and then he starts the prayer and he says; I will paraphrase a little bit but it went something like this:

“Dear Lord please allow the words you mean for me to say be the words that come out of my mouth”

Okay now I am really laughing…the pastor just prayed to God that he doesn’t swear again…and once again I look around and no one else is laughing. Okay I might have caught one or two people laughing. Either way I had to hide my face behind my bible.

Inappropriate. Funny but inappropriate.

During the service there is a moment when the pastor asks the congregation to share any good news. And people raise their hands and then tell of their good news. Well one Sunday a couple raised their hand to tell the good news that they are having a girl! And all I could think was “REALLY!! F&%king really. Does this shit really have to follow me everywhere!!”

That is selfish and inappropriate!

Now, I will not go into the image that came to my mind when the pastor had someone kneel in front of him as he put his hands on their head. Let’s just say from my angle COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!!

And then there is My Brother In-Law Vince…

During the service there is also a moment where we say a prayer for those people listed in the bulletin and then the pastor asks if there is anyone else we would like to pray for. People raise their hands, the pastor would point to them and they would say who they would like us to pray for and we would all then say “Amen”.

Well, every Sunday there is a woman who sits up front and every Sunday she raises her hand and every Sunday she says a list of people. And every Sunday the last person on the list is always “And my Brother In-Law Vince”.

And all I can think is “Holy Crap! Every Sunday…And my Brother In-Law Vince”

“What the hell is wrong Vince? And why after 2 years is there still something wrong with Vince!!”

“Come on Vince!!”

And I even say it in my head before she says it…”And my Brother In-Law Vince”

That is definitely inappropriate!

And I guess I don’t or should I say didn’t really get it until now…

After I found out my cycle was cancelled…

After the tears, the feeling of complete defeat and the certainty that this all must be signs from God that I should give up.

That night I even yelled at God: “Do you want me to give up because I won’t!”

After all that as I was getting ready for bed or should I say getting ready to cry myself to sleep, I received a text message from a friend of mine:

“Hi Michaela. I was thinking about u and I was praying for u today so u can become a Mom and have your baby. Don’t worry. It will happen”

Just like that I received a different kind of sign. I received a prayer.

And I know that there have been many friends and family telling me that they are praying for me. And it is not that I don’t believe them or think their prayers are any less significant.

It’s just that this text came at 9:05pm when no one knew my cycle had been cancelled yet. When I was asking God if he was sending me negative signs and begging for a positive one.

“I was praying for u so u can become a Mom and have your baby”

Praying for me, so I can have my baby…

“Don’t worry. It will happen”

And there was my sign…

And then there were more tears…tears of hope.

And then suddenly I got it. In my heart I got it.

And that night before I went to bed, I said a prayer for her Brother In-Law Vince.

Groundhog Day

For those of you who remember the movie you know it’s a Romantic Comedy about a man who keeps reliving the same day over and over and over again until he finally gets it right…

I feel like I am stuck in my own Groundhog Day hell but instead of it ending with me finding the man of my dreams it ends with me forever stuck in a cycle where I don’t get pregnant.

This time last year, almost to the date I started my 1st IVF cycle after waiting months due to my miscarriage. I finally could cycle, got my period, started BCPs, started Lupron went in for my baseline and BOOM…I had a cyst.

Dr. Wow decided I should have the cyst aspirated and proceed with my cycle. I felt we should postpone the cycle and wait for the cyst to go away on its own. I aspirated the cyst and my cycle failed.

Flash forward and I wake up and I do it again. I haven’t cycled in a long time. I finally get my period. I start BCPs. I start Lupron. I get my baseline. And BOOM there’s cyst.

It’s like déjà vu all over again. I get this eerie feeling that every morning when I wake up…

I will get my period. I start BCPs. I start Lupron. I get my baseline. And BOOM there’s cyst.

And again when I wake up…

I will get my period. I start BCPs. I start Lupron. I get my baseline. And BOOM there’s cyst.

But this time will I proceed? Will the cycle fail?

It feels like the same thing over and over and the only thing that changes is my age!!

And doing the same thing over and over again isn’t that the definition of insanity.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein

Maybe I am insane. Maybe I am stuck repeating the same things over and over again. Maybe lightning will struck twice. What are the odds of that?? I can’t win the lotto where the odds are about the same as getting struck by lightning twice!

So I go for a follow up and yes, the cyst is still there but this time…this time…my cycle is cancelled.

I am devastated.

I almost feel like God is trying to tell me to give up.

But I won’t!

Because I won’t back down…you can stand me up at the gates of hell…and I won’t back down.

But now…now…

I have to wait for my period. Then I will start BCPs. I will start Lupron and I will get my baseline.

And I will pray that I can get out of this Groundhog Day hell and finally get it right!

We don’t get fooled again!!

What are the chances...

I DON’T BELIEVE IN SIGNS!!

After my 2nd IVF cycle failed I was crushed. I believed every last leaf blowing in the wind to be some kind of sign that I was pregnant. Now to be fair I did have some compelling signs but alas (I always wanted to use the word alas in a sentence!) they were just mere coincidences.

So now when I came home the other night and I found a package on my doorstep address to me and that package was a free sample of Similac Baby Formula I have to make sure that I DO NOT TAKE IT AS A SIGN!!

I sometimes participate in focus groups for extra money. You have to qualify for the focus group. To determine your eligibility they conduct a survey. When I went online to take the latest survey and that survey had questions like: “Are you a first time mother?” “Are you currently pregnant?” etc. I said to myself: I REFUSE TO TAKE THAT AS A SIGN!! And the fact that I (without hesitation) answered yes to those questions DOES NOT MEAN IT IS A SIGN!!

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend…

AND I DON’T BELIEVE ANY SYMPTOMS OR NON SYMPTOMS!!

In order to “not get fooled again” I will be spending my 2ww talking myself off the ledge! For whatever I am feeling or not feeling, I will give the symptom and a logical explanation. For those of you at home you can play along and enter your symptom and logical explanation!

My boobs are sore – Why yes, yes they are! That is because you are shoving progesterone up your cookie 3 times a day!!! Or it’s because you won’t stop touching them!!

My boobs look veiny – Your natural skin tone is a purplish pink. It takes you a weeks worth of tanning just to get white. Of course your boobs look veiny! You are clear! You can see every vein coursing through your body!

I feel twinges – IT’S PROBABLY GAS once again from the progesterone that is leaking out of every pore!! Or at least leaking out of your cookie non-stop every day all day long!!

I have some craps – Which is probably a giant poop! WHICH IS FROM THE GAS! Which is from the progesterone!!

I have heartburn – Ever since you turned 35 you ALWAYS HAVE HEARTBURN! Go to a doctor already for Christ’s sake!!

I can’t stop eating – Yeah dexamethasone will do that to you! *It’s a steroid that they put you on at the start of your IVF cycle. I have been on it for over a month now and I have the extra weight to prove it! So all day long I am shoveling food down my throat!

My cervix feels high – Quit playing with yourself!! Or at least checking…you have no idea what you are looking for so stop it!

I got a zit on my chin – Well you have been shoveling crap food down your throat for the last month. It was bound to catch up with you!

I’m tired – You work two jobs (really three) and you have had this workaholic behavior all your life so you are ALWAYS tired!!

The Math is NOT in my favor – Really? Do you really know every women going through IVF at the same time as you so you can actually statistically determine whether it will work for you or not? You’re not Doing the Math! You’re guessing the Math!

I’m feeling frisky – Which leads me to believe Leroy is on his way and it didn’t work. Or it’s because you keep touching yourself!! No wonder you’re frisky!!

I don’t feel anything – It’s microscopic!! How are you supposed to feel microscopic?

I don’t have any symptoms and all the other women who got BFPs felt twinges or cramps or sore boobs – Yeah they probably did and most likely it was GAS, causing a GIANT POOP, they were touching themselves or it is all a side effect from too much progesterone that they all mistook as a symptom!!

I did 3 IVF cycles and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt:

Maybe what should happen is on the day you get your transfer, as soon as the RE puts your little embabies back you hear either a “Ding, Ding, Ding…” bell signaling that it worked or a loud “EEEETTTT” or “Whomp, whomp, whomp” indicating defeat.

This way you know. You know right away. It really is like spinning a wheel except you have to wait 2 weeks before the wheel stops.

If only you could know as soon as you transfer, this way you wouldn’t be analyzing every little zit and every little shit and every little fart in the wind as being some kind of sign!

Is it written in the stars?

After I was done posting my very first blog entry I went on my Yahoo page and read my horoscope. WOW!!

“A personal issue that was recently pretty stormy turns the page and becomes rather sweet just when you were ready to give up. It's a pleasant surprise, but it's also quite timely -- you were just about ready to turn your back on fate and make a hasty choice. Everything has finally come together in a way you would never have seen coming -- but you're quite happy with the results.”

WOW AGAIN!! Could this really be true? I had pretty much given up on “Fate”, “Destiny” and “Meant to be” a long time ago…is a reversal of fortune written in the stars? And what personal situation could it be referring to?

Could it be the love of my life finally makes an appearance when I have completely given up? It would then make that old adage true, the one that has been repeated to me by many…friends and family alike…the one, that I might add, which is completely annoying…the ever so popular “When you least expect it “ or it’s cousin “When you’re not looking”. When people would say those infuriating phrases to me I used to wonder where would I have to be and what I would be doing to be “least expecting it”…what would I have to be on the toilet? In the shower? Well I certainly wouldn’t be expecting it then or looking! So are my two least favorite sayings about to come true?

Or, for those of you that don’t know, I’ve submitted an audition tape to Oprah and haven’t heard anything, so I’ve pretty much given up. Could it be that Oprah is about to call me saying that my video made it to the finals!! Now that would be a pleasant surprise!

Or, again for those of you that don’t know, I recently had a completely disastrous and devastating IVF cycle which left me without a transfer (this still brings me to tears), could it be that my meeting with Dr. Wow on Monday will yield positive results with him guaranteeing me a pregnancy on my next IVF cycle? That would definitely mean “Everything has finally come together in a way you would never have seen coming” and I would be beyond happy with the results!

Now wouldn’t it be great if you could pick. I wouldn’t even hesitate on which one I would pick. I would pick the successful IVF cycle in a heartbeat. I would gladly give up the others and so much more. If only I could pick!

So, I don’t know which one the stars are going to pick but one thing I do know is that I will be shutting the bathroom door!