Monday, April 17, 2017

3 Years Later! A Better Place....

It's been 3 years since I have flown over the rainbow where bluebirds sing...

I cannot tell you how aware I am that I could be in a different place...but I do know that I am here and it truly is a better place!

Better Place (by Rachel Platten)

I'll tell the world, I'll sing a song
It's a better place since you came along
Since you came along
Your touch is sunlight through the trees
Your kisses are the ocean breeze
Everything's alright when you're with me
And I hold my favorite thing
I hold the love that you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along
I see the whole world in your eyes
It's like I've known you all my life
We just feel so right
So I pour my heart into your hands
It's like you really understand
You love the way I am
And I hold my favorite thing
I hold the happiness you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
And the sun paints the skies and the wind sings our song
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along
Now I'm alright
Now I'm alright
Everything's alright
'Cause it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

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Saturday, April 15, 2017

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

...way up high
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby...

From the moment I stopped waiting and wishing for my dreams of motherhood to come true, to the moment that I decided that I would take motherhood into my own hands, I have felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

Everything that transpired happened as if I hit my head and I had to navigate this uncertain, scary, mystical terrain with a cast of characters that wouldn't let me reach my goal and a cast of allies that all seemed to reach their goal as I was destined to be stuck in Oz forever, all alone.

I met and made amazing friends, but they had their wishes granted by the great and powerful  Oz.

I sat alone.

I was alone on the other side of the Rainbow. The side where dreams don't come true. The terrifying, dark and lonely side.

I spent 5 years there...and if I was honest, even longer...I was on the dark side of the Rainbow when I was dreaming of meeting "the one" and building a family. And it ended up only getting darker and scarier as I headed out down the yellow brick road alone.

I fought the evil witch and her flying monkeys, Dr. Doom and his partner Dr. Darth Vader.  I met with great and powerful  Oz (Dr. Period) who somehow could work his magic for others, but for me a successful pregnancy was somewhere over the rainbow.

And so were my dreams of motherhood.

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

For most it's really out of our hands. Yes, you can claw and scratch and fight your way to the top of the rainbow BUT whether or not you get to fly to the other side...it's out of our hands...it was out of my hands...no matter how many cycles I did, I couldn't get over the rainbow.

It wasn't my decision that put me over. It was the decision of another.

It was the heart wrenching decision of another mother. One who was searching for her own yellow brick road.

One who saw me and said "No one could love her more. She is her forever mommy."

And with that thought the winds changed, the birds took flight and without me knowing my journey over the rainbow began.

Unknowingly as went about my day, this day 3 years ago, unknowingly I was starting to fly...like a happy little bluebird...

And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true. 

When someone else makes your dreams come true in a way so profound you know for a fact that there are angels here on earth, making it to the other side of the rainbow becomes the happiest and saddest moments of your life.

I don't know if I'll ever know what it feels like to be that angel to another person. To pull them from the dark side of the rainbow and show them how to fly where happy little bluebirds fly...at the expense of my own rainbow.

But I know my daughter's birthmother did that for me...(why oh why can't I..)

She went to the dark side of the rainbow and allowed me to go to the other side...the side where bluebirds fly.

And it all started with a call...3 years ago today...a call...that put me over the rainbow (and it is more beautiful than I ever imagined...) and that same call...put my wizard someplace else...







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