Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Shame on me!, The Usual Suspects, Sandy and Leroy sitting in a tree, and Lucky Number 13?

Bad Blogger 

First I have to apologize for being such a bad, bad blogger.

Shame on me!! My bad!!

In my long ago, far away, last post "Crazy", I mentioned in passing the fact that I am going back to school. And yes that is true.

And it's CRAZY!!

And it takes up ALL my time!

I have a lot of posts started and I promise to post them once I get a chance to finish them.

So I am sorry that I have been a bad blogger as of late but I promise once I get the hang of this going to school and working full time I will try to post more often.

Halloween Fun

My "bestie" friend V had a Halloween Party on Saturday.

I have mentioned before that V really knows how to throw a party and this was no exception.

It was exceptional!

It was a murder mystery!

And very intriguing.

Everyone was a suspect.

And here's Sissy L and me being the Usual Suspects...

 No, neither one of us turned out to be the murder but we both had motive....Bahhhhhaaaahhaaaa!!

I think what I like best about being a Bad Blogger and Halloween Fun is that it takes my mind off cycling and all the Crazy things that goes with it.

It takes my mind off the sorrow and pain. It's focused in other places. Even if it's just a Chemistry class or finding the perfect costume.

Where the Hell is Leroy and Hereeeeeee's Sandy! 

For the last 2 months Leroy has NOT been punctual. The one thing Leroy punctual...the only times he hasn't been punctual has been when I have been pregnant or right after an IVF cycle.

In the last 2 months neither has been the case...well...blush...well...

I "might" have "hung out" with the Itch Scratcher last month at just the right moment to make Leroy's lateness questionable.

But I know my body and I knew it was just Leroy being a pain in the ass b/c I wanted to start my dreaded 13th cycle.

Leroy was supposed to come on Monday of last week.

No Leroy.

Tuesday, Leroy.

News of the imminent Hurricane Sandy started circulating.

Leroy has to get here before Sandy so I can get my baseline done...otherwise no cycle.

Thursday, Leroy.

Now I need Leroy NOT to come...or be a few more days come maybe Monday - Hurricane Sandy Day!

Which would also make Leroy a week late...

This way I won't need a baseline until after Sandy has passed. Leroy.

Sunday the skies get cloudy and the wind starts to pick up.

Sandy is on her way...and so is Leroy!


He is officially 6 days late and right on time for his new girlfriend Sandy.

Not knowing what Sandy has in store for us, I decide to brave the winds and the rain early Monday morning and go for my baseline.

So Leroy and I headed out into Sandy...

I am pretty sure the only people on the roads at that time were crazy, fertility patients going for ultrasounds and bloodwork!

And of course the REs...

And of course it turns out I have a cyst...

Now I'm just wondering if Leroy and Sandy really do make a good couple or if I should wait... 

Lucky Number 13... 

Later on during Hurricane Sandy Day I received confirmation I can start my cycle...

Cycle Number 13...

Just in time for Halloween and amidst a hurricane.

A devastating , damaging, frightening...more frightening than any horror movie Hurricane....

Sandy left devastation in her wake...

Massive, amounts of physical damage. Homes lost...

She has destroyed my beloved Jersey Shore...and my heart breaks...

I am so sad...

It's part of my childhood, my adulthood...gone...

Lucky Number 13 could end up destroying so much heart, my soul. It won't take a hurricane to extinguish what little flicker of hope I have left.

But for now instead of thinking of that I mourn the losses in my state, in my home, in my heart...Rock on NJ we will prevail!!!


Saturday, October 6, 2012


It's crazy how little I feel right now. How I walk around in a daze.

I guess this is defeat.

It is crazy that I now know what defeat feels like.

It's crazy how empty I feel and it's crazy how each day races by in a blur.

It's crazy that at the end of this month, on October 30th, if I didn't miscarry the first time, I would have a 2 year old running around.

And as crazy as it feels that my baby isn't here... it is just as crazy to think of how it would be if they were here.

It's crazy that 3 months have passed since the due date for my 2nd miscarriage.

And it's crazy that I am not snuggle my newborn as I type this.

It's crazy that I waited so long.

And it's crazy that I keep punishing myself for it.

It's crazy that in my forties not only did I decide to pursue motherhood but I have also started going back to school.

It's crazy how little time I have...and that can be taken in all the monumental  ways that one can conjure up...

I will say it again...

It's crazy how little time I have.

It's crazy how fragile I feel.  Anyone who knows me knows my strength.

I guess this is weakness.

It's crazy that I now know what weakness feels like.

It's crazy that the thought of cycling again, the thought of one more shot, one more pill, one more transfer and one more two week wait makes me envision myself falling to my knees and wailing.

And what is even crazier is that I will be starting another cycle with my next period.

It's crazy that this will be my 13th cycle.

And it's crazy that I no longer have a sense of hope.

But you want to know what's not I am not expecting a different result.   I'm just getting it over with.

I will not hang my hopes and dreams on this only to get crushed again.

I will not believe...

or at least I will try not to...

I will try not to believe...

I will try not to believe...

It's crazy that my new found non-faith is so hard to follow.

It's crazy that I can't follow a simple, logical plan not to believe.

Isn't it crazy that I still somehow believe?



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