Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Unless of course you just had a miscarriage.

Then it doesn't matter what time of the year it is. Nothing matters.

Actually it darkens the whole holiday season. It is now shrouded.

And you, your life, your daily routines never mind the feasts and celebrations...every moment feels like you are walking through quicksand.

The days fly by at such an alarmingly slow pace but they will be here and gone before you know it.

Even in your daze, in your daily clouded haze, time keeps moving but you feel stuck in time.

Because you are in the same exact place you were a year ago while everyone else has moved on.

It feels like some kind of dream you are suppose to wake up from but you never do.

And then out of the haze comes that feeling. When everything starts to hurt and it's becoming hard to breathe.

When that moment comes, the one that is always just under the surface. That moment that wakes you from your daze, you know you must find a quite place by yourself. You must lay down because at any moment the tears will start to flow, uncontrollably. They consume your whole body and no one is supposed to see that.

They are only supposed to see your strength and how well you are handling everything.

And how thankful you are.

And hey: "You look good!".

But what they don't see is when you excuse yourself from the Thanksgiving dinner table, make your way to the bedroom just in time. Shut the door, fall onto the bed into a fetal position and stick a pillow in your mouth so no one can hear you crying.

Because everything hurts and your heart is as empty as your womb.

But no. No one is supposed to see that.

You should be celebrating. You should be thankful.

After all it is Thanksgiving. The day of thanks!

And no matter what, you should be thankful.

And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be thankful. Every night I thank the Lord for all the things I do have.

I am thankful for my family, my friends, my home, my job. I thankful for my furbabies who always find a way to make me smile; even if it's a smile through pain.

But here's the truth:

Being thankful doesn't take away the pain.

Being thankful doesn't make the darkness turn to light and being thankful doesn't fill the emptiness that consumes my being.

I don't know if I ever told you this before. Those of you that know me will know this...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It always has been. Kinda funny right!

Next up...

The fat man and the magic of Christmas! Great!! I swear if I had a Santa suit, a little dog and a sled I might just try to steal Christmas or at least cancel it!


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Jinxed? Fate? Cursed? Bad Luck? Karma?


I think the feeling that you could jinx a cycle is a direct result of PTIVF disorder.

“If I talk about my cycle I will jinx it!”

“If I get excited about good results I will jinx it!”

“If I blog or post about my cycle I will jinx it!”

There have been too many times in the past where everything looked like it was going to be so perfect and then you talked about it, got excited, told the world and the BOOM you “jinxed” it. And it would all go bad. Devastatingly bad.

So, believe me, after all my setbacks and then finally being able to cycle again I did everything I could think of not to jinx this last cycle.

I told very few people about my cycle. As a matter of fact one person had full disclosure and another was on a need to know basis.

I didn’t even tell my family. I just knew if I did that I would jinx it. If any of you are reading this, it was not done to hurt your feelings. It was done to protect mine.

Even my girls on Fertile Thoughts were pretty much kept out of the loop.

If I told people, if I chronicled its progress I just knew I would jinx it.

That’s why I didn’t blog about it.

I’ve spent the last 4 months blogging about past loves and how they might have led me to where I am now. And I almost wanted to continue on that path, blogging about the past so I wouldn’t have to face the future.

It was a nice distraction.

It made me feel like I wasn’t going to jinx this cycle.

I actually snuck away so I could go alone to my transfer. I didn’t want anyone “jinxing” it.

And finally, finally, I felt like I could have a successful cycle.

We transferred two perfect blasts and I have 3 frozen blasts.

My baby had to be in that batch somewhere. Right?

There was no way I could jinx this now…

But ahhh, even just thinking that could probably jinx it….

Fate? Cursed?

I really don’t know if I believe in fate.

I certainly have a more bitter outlook on it than others.

I am not one who actually believes everything happens for a reason.

I think that it is random events that happen.

Some amazingly good and some devastatingly bad.

And people use the “everything happens for a reason” to try to tie together some connection to help ease the pain of the devastating events.

Because if it was really meant to be, it could have happened and would have happened regardless. It doesn’t need the bad events preceding it.

I do think it is nice that people grab these ribbons and bows and tie together this pretty picture that makes all the bad seem necessary.

They make this pretty, little package.

But I think it’s harder for those of us that don’t have any of good that supposedly comes out of the bad.

It’s harder for those of us when it’s just one endless stream of bad luck and without that good at the end, how do you tie together the connections? Where are our ribbons and bows? How do you make that pretty, little package?

What could possibly be the reason?

You have bad luck?

You’re cursed?

Or maybe it’s your fate to be doomed?

Could there finally be something good that could make even a naysayer like myself believe…

Believe in Fate?

After my 1st failed IVF cycle over a year ago, I went to an Arabian Nights party at my friend V’s house.

At the party there was a fortune teller. This fortune teller told me that I would find out that I am pregnant on October 18th and it would be a boy.

Remember this was not this summer that just passed but the summer before.

I knew that what the fortune teller had told me couldn’t work out because I was cycling in August.

And let’s face it, when you are single the chances of a natural miracle are severely diminished.

But due to circumstances beyond my control my 2nd IVF cycle got pushed back and the day of my beta, the day I would find out if it worked or not, the day I would find out if I was pregnant fell exactly on October 18th.

I thought it was destiny. I thought it was fate. But on October 18th of last year instead of finding out I was pregnant; I found out that my 2nd IVF cycle had failed. I was not pregnant.

But I was so sure. How could this happen? Did I jinx it?

Flash forward to this year and this summer...

Could the fates be off a year?

I was supposed to cycle in June.

It got cancelled.

I was supposed to cycle in July.

It got cancelled.

I finally started my cycle in September and I was damned if I was going to jinx it this time.

I quietly went for my transfer on October 13th.

The looming date of October 18th was not unnoticed by me but really, it would only be 5 days after my transfer.

Surely if I tested that early I would jinx it.

But unable to stop myself from testing fate, I woke up at 5am and took a pregnancy test.

There was a faint line.

The next day that line was darker and then next day even darker.

I was supposed to go in for my beta on Monday. I requested my RE let me go in on Friday so I wouldn’t have to wait the weekend.

My beta was 86! 2 days early!

It had to be fate.

The fortune teller was right. I did find out I was pregnant on October 18th. Just one year later.

Could I start getting out the ribbons and the bows to make my pretty package?

To explain away all the bad because now finally, finally I was going to be a mom?

Wrapping it all up and finally finding out the reason?

Or did I just jinx it by testing early…

Cursed? Bad Luck? Karma?

My tests came back good and I was waiting for my 1st ultrasound.

I was still hesitant of telling people. I was going to wait until after my 1st ultrasound to then shout it from the roof tops.

I actually couldn’t wait!

But I was being careful. I was cautious. I didn’t want to jinx this pregnancy.

And in all honestly I didn’t really think that I could. My numbers were strong.

And then I did the one thing that was sure to jinx it.

Two days before my 1st ultrasound, I bought something for the nursery…

On the day of my ultrasound, less than 1 week ago, I was told that the baby isn’t growing and I would probably miscarry again.

I am shocked. I am sad. I am angry.

How could this be happening to me again?

Is this my fate?

Am I cursed?

Is this bad luck?

Or is this karma?

But I kept holding out hope.

You’ve heard the stories. Women who have been told they are going to miscarry only to go in for another ultrasound and there’s a perfect baby with a perfect heartbeat.

I had more bloodwork done. My numbers came back good again.

I woke up this morning feeling some cramps and I thought: “Maybe…maybe that’s my baby growing. Maybe that’s my uterus stretching like it should.”

“Maybe this is a good sign”

Maybe this…

And that’s when I felt it. Something wet running down the side of my leg.


It is blood.

Today I’ve started my 2nd miscarriage.

I am no longer pregnant. I am no longer going to be a mom.

Did I jinx it?

Is it fate?

Am I cursed?

Is it bad luck?

Or is it karma?

Because right now I feel like everything I have done in my life. Good or bad. Every decision I have every made. Good or bad. Has brought me to a place where babies don’t grow inside of me.

And I don’t think there’s a bow big enough to tie this one together…



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...