I read this post..."I know you're blessed but what am I?"...it is a great little post about having to deal with the holidays and Facebook...
But I think it's the title that speaks volumes to me....
"I know you're blessed but what am I?"
What am I?
Do I want to be the person who all the sudden declares how blessed they are and all the sudden talks about how awesome God is ONLY after something awesome happens...
No, I want to feel that way NOW!!
But I can't...I am suffering...for years...suffering...how many times can I count my blessing before the bad overcomes any good?
And I don't want to be someone who only believes when something good happens.
I don't want to be someone that doesn't have the faith to pull through bad...
But don't you have to have the bad and the good to believe in both...and if it's only bad...how do you believe in both?
How do you believe in miracles? If you've never seen a miracle?
And how do you feel blessed when your heart hurts so badly?
I know...I know...I could be homeless...starving...living in a third world country...
FYI...SO COULD YOU!!
Let's just take the "givens" out of the equation...and actually...I am pretty sure infertility is not one of the problems that they face..that might be their blessing...How crazy is that...Infertility could actually be someone's blessing?
SO how does one determine?
I watched a documentary on Diane Downs. For anyone that doesn't know the case, Diane Downs shot her three children in the back of her car and claimed that a hijacker did it.
Two of her children died and the third faced a massive recovery.
While she was on trial for the murder of her two children she actually went out and "got herself pregnant" with her fourth child. She claimed in an interview that: "it is so easy to get pregnant" and why she did it was because she lost her other children and needed that unconditional love...funny how she had things backwards...a parent should love their children unconditionally (which she clearly didn't considering she shot them) and not have children so that they can love you unconditionally...but Diane Downs stated in an interview that is was "so easy" to get pregnant and that she wanted the unconditional love of a child so she "just went out" and got pregnant...
All this while she was on trial for the murder and shooting of her other children...
Why can't I have children again?
Why after 13 cycles have I not had success?
Why has every pregnancy ended in loss and not a baby?
How is this determined?
In my mind I had determined it was because I don't deserve them...
Because in my callous youth I took for granted the gift of having children...
Because I tried to pick and choose when I was going to have children...
And in some way I guess I must have been treating children the way Diane Downs did.
Treating them like I could "just go out" and "get myself pregnant". Whenever I wanted...like an entitlement or a birthright...
No I didn't shoot them in cold blood but I guess I might as well have...
Because I am paying for it like I did...
I disregarded them as a given...
And I can't "just go out" and "get myself pregnant" like Diane Downs did either...
I pay a deeper fine...but why?
Is what I did as horrific?
I watch people take things for granted every day but it doesn't seem take away that which they take for granted...in actuality it always seems like they get more of what they take for granted...
Accept for me...
At her trial Diane Downs daughter after a long and painful recovery, testified against her own mother stating for the world to know that she did indeed shoot and kill her children.
All the while she sat there pregnant with her fourth child...
Justice?
Do we get what we deserve?
Probably...
I somehow, somewhere, along the way made a mistake...
I've made many but why is my punishment so severe?
Why I have never stopped paying for it...something so minor comparatively?
"I know you're blessed but what am I?"
Is there a God?
Probably not...
For what it's worth...I want so desperately to believe there is...
I go to church every Sunday and pray every night for that faith...
And for what it's worth this is NOT the post I wanted to write...
I wanted to write a post about renewed faith...about God leading me to the decisions I made and finally understanding why...
I don't know if that post will ever happen...
I still hold on to the vision of Samuel close to my heart...
I pray that God has heard...
But for what it's worth, I am pretty sure he's deaf...
"I know you're blessed"
Or couldn't care less...
And all I am left with is the question: "What am I?"
While I have laughed over the years that certain classes make me believe in reincarnation (and I must have done something really bad), I do not believe that either of us did anything to deserve this fate- nothing. I do not believe that it is a punishment for taking life for granted. It is just a very sh*tty thing that has happened and it is not fair at all. I too struggle with the idea of faith- after all where has it gotten me so far.
ReplyDeleteDon't compare yourself to a monster like that. You aren't being punished for anything you did.
ReplyDeleteI lost any faith I had years ago so my belief is that it'a luck (or unluck) of the draw; I believe it's all random. If it was based on punishment then Diane Downs would have never gotten pregnant again and you wouldn't have had to do 13 cycles to end up with empty arms. Period.
You have done nothing wrong and most certainly deserve better than what you have ended up with so far. I do believe Samuel is in your future some way.
ReplyDeleteThis post has been in the forefront of my mind for days. I wish that me telling you that you do deserve to be a mother could change the way you feel, that you don't deserve this suffering & empty arms. Thinking of you
ReplyDeleteFantastic post.
ReplyDeleteI think that every woman who has experienced infertility and loss can relate to how you are feeling. I was in your shoes for over a decade. I get it, completely.
Wow, what a fantastic and beautiful post....
ReplyDeleteWant some beautiful frozen embies. We have gorgeous half Asian twins and 6 in the freezer.
ReplyDeleteI'm in this space with you wondering similar things. I could have written this post myself, although it would have never been done so beautifully and articulately.
ReplyDeleteThis is all so hard to figure out.
What Tiara said. Me, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd ...OMG! Please tell me you and Michelle are emailing about those embies!
First of all, HUGE HUGS to you! I'm new here, visiting from Mel's Blog Roundup.
ReplyDeleteI think many times over when people say they're "blessed" to have this and that, that doesn't mean that they deserve or they've earned those blessings, because bottom line is that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." From that POV it means that God can choose to "bless" anyone in whichever way He wants to (even when it doesn't seem to make sense).
In the beginning of my IF journey, I was struggling a lot with this (I was REALLY angry at God and I wondered if He thought we weren't fit to be parents). Nowadays I believe in God's sovereignty and that we don't understand His ways, but it's OK because what matters most is that He knows my pain, He cares, and He has granted me peace over and over again in my IF journey despite my empty arms. The journey is a rough one and twisted one, though...
During my IF journey I also kept remembering something that a close friend had told me years back: "If you can't see His hand, trust His heart." It was tough to do that before I shouted out at Him and yelled at Him with all that I had...it was cathartic to spew out everything I felt inside to Him.
I think sometimes we need to get to the bottomless pit and to be bruised black-and-blue before we can finally surrender fully to Him, before He can begin to renew our faith...
Giving birth is not at all what I thought it would be. I almost DIED! If I had known my organs were shutting down and that I would have to have a c section and a twelve inch incision/scar I would have more likely to adopt. I know some very happy adoptive families and there are so many children who need mothers. I am glad to see you are going to be one of them. You are doubly blessed in the world of motherhood. Good luck!!
ReplyDelete