Wednesday, July 16, 2014

It IS beautiful...I think???

On my "private" Facebook group one of the girls posted a link to this:

A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN MAY | THE BIRTH OF MATILDA

Her comment: "Just wanted to share...it's beautiful"

My comment...or should I say reaction was:

"I don't know...that completely freaks me out and makes me incredibly sad at the same time"

My friend felt bad.  She posted an apology...she didn't have to. I know she didn't post it thinking this would be something that could be hurtful to me or to anyone else.

She posted it because she thought it was beautiful...

And it is...I think??

And it's the: "I think" that's making me incredibly sad...

The thing is many people will make references to pregnancy and childbirth and it will be something I know nothing about.

The private Facebook page is a Single Mom by Choice page. I am the only mom that has adopted. There is another mother that used a surrogate. I am not sure how she feels about pregnancy and childbirth, she has never mentioned it.

But all the other mothers gave birth to their children.

I am sure that they all (well at least no one's admitted to the contrary) think it's beautiful.

They've experienced it....I can't say the same.

I never got past 8 weeks...so I never REALLY got to experience pregnancy aside from some sore boobs and a little nausea...I never felt a kick or hiccup (Ladybug gets the hiccups all the time! It wonder if she did while in her birthmommy's belly?)...and I never felt a contraction or pushed or gave birth...and I'll tell you what...

Those pictures terrified me and made me incredible sad not because...well not only because of the obvious...but because seeing a little head coming out of her...FREAKS ME OUT!!

All I can think of when I look at that picture is "Oh God NO!!"

It doesn't seem natural and it's not beautiful...well at least not to me...

And that makes me incredibly sad...

Because it makes me think to myself...

Could that be it?

Could my inner reactions be why?

Why I never got past 8 weeks? Why I never gave birth? Because I don't find it beautiful?

I've felt this way as long as I can remember.  And I'm going to be honest here, I have the same visceral reaction to breastfeeding! (Please note - I am PRO breastfeeding...it just freaks me out!)

Even though I wanted it so desperately...

Could that be why?

The day I met my daughter the social workers brought me to this tiny, little room at the agency. In the corner of the room, turned so it could fit in the space, sat a rocking chair. A child's blanket laid across the back of the rocking chair.

They told me to sit in the chair.

I did.

I looked around the room. The social workers had set up children's blocks on the desk next to the rocking chair that said "Congratulations Michaela and Ladybug (well her real name) April 17, 2014.

My mother dressed in a bright orange shirt...bright orange because she read somewhere it is comforting to children...she stood behind the door that the social workers were about to carry my daughter through with her video camera posed and ready...

I sat there in this strange rocking chair, in this strange, little room with my name strangely spelled out in blocks and my mother wearing a strange, overly bright orange shirt...and I looked at my mother...no not to condemn her for her color choices...

I looked at  my mother and as a matter fact I said: "Could this be why?"

"I think so honey" my mom said with a smile..."I think so!"

I go into her room at night and I watch her. I can't stop watching her... and I know it doesn't matter.

I know it doesn't matter.

Just like pregnancy and childbirth...

It doesn't matter...

Just like the fairy tale of the guy and the dream of 2 kids...

It doesn't matter...

Your family...no matter what it looks like and no matter how it came to be...

That's what matters...that's what's beautiful...

That moment in that strange, little room at my adoption agency, with my mom in her brightly colored shirt poised with a video camera in hand as the social workers walked in carrying my daughter...it was beautiful...

But that doesn't stop me from wishing that I held her close to my chest the second she was born.

That doesn't stop me from wishing that her little head came out of my...well nope...nope...still freaking me out....

That doesn't stop me from wishing that I could see the beauty in that...first hand...

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Ungrateful?

There have been so many ways that I envisioned my baby shower.

And with each miscarriage and each failed cycle my visions kept fading away.

I even envisioned what my baby shower would be like if I adopted and I mentioned it to mom, my sisters, my BFF M2. It would be a "Meet the Baby Shower".

But I guess that's all I could really picture...a title or a declaration of what it would be...

But envisioning that day coming true....

Walking in a seeing everyone who came out to celebrate.

Envisioning  who was going to be there? The hugs...the joy...the congratulations...the amount of love and support I would feel...

No...there was no way to envision that.

And I still can't "see" it clearly...even though it happened.

We called it a "Sip and See" and the amount of love and support...it's indescribable.

It is a moment that I feel like I watched instead of participated in...

It's a sense...an emotion...an overwhelming feeling of gratitude!

At the Sip and See...my baby shower...one of my best friends from childhood, she has two teenage children but she also had several m/c's and one late term. She came up to me at the shower and said: "It makes it all worth it doesn't it...Well, not really! We could have totally done without the other shit but you know what I mean."

Yeah I knew what she meant...

The other day I had my annual checkup with Dr. O my gynecologist.

Dr. O is one of my favorite doctors. The man that I wanted to deliver my baby but instead performed my D&C.

When I confirmed my appointment I asked the receptionist if it was okay that I brought my daughter.  She responded yes, but  I am sure I confused her.

When I got there, there was a surprising number of children in the waiting room. This is something that would have crushed me a few months ago. Seeing women with their children...and it wouldn't have matter if their child was well behaved or throwing a tantrum...if she was put together or thrown together...seeing women with their children as I sat there alone, having another test or another period to remind me...

And in the waiting room (as expected; he is an OBGYN) were some pregnant women...

It was still hard.

I still looked with envy, hurt and pain.

And as I looked with the eyes of a wounded warrior at the pregnant bellies...directly across from Ladybug was a woman, by herself, looking at her.

Was she me a few months back? Walking into the worst place on Earth...the OBGYN! Knowing you will encounter all that you long for...

In that moment I was grateful. Grateful that my daughter was next me...

But what I didn't feel was gratitude that I can't carry a child or gratitude that I would never experience pregnancy...

It was like my friend said: "Yeah we could have done without that other shit!"

From the moment I started pursuing adoption people would say to me "Oh as soon as you adopt you won't hurt anymore", "That baby will make you forget all the pain" or "None of it will matter" etc.

Meaning that my adoption was meant to take away the pain of infertility and miscarriages.

My response...

I would tell them that it's not my baby's job to heal me...I have to heal myself...

Is that easy?

No!

But I have been trying to heal well before my little angel showed up.

Am I healed?

No! (evident by my trip to the gyno!)

Infertility and pregnancy loss will always be a part of me. And that I can live with...not being a mommy is what I couldn't live with...so in that aspect...Yes...she has healed me...she filled the hole in my heart that wanted to be a mommy...not the hole IF caused...and certainly not the hole in my heart that mourns my lost babies.

I could have done without the other shit...

And that brings me to one of the things that pissed me off (and still pisses me off) when I was stuck in my own private hell, when I was still in the trenches...I would read these blog posts of gratitude for Infertility.

It always came about a month after they reached the other side and it was always some sappy crap about "If I could have shaken the me back then..." blah, blah puke!

Of course these proclamations of unwavering gratitude ONLY come once that person had reached the other side. Happily holding their baby or their pregnant belly...declaring to the world their gratitude for Infertility.

Always after...I have yet to read a post where someone was grateful for the infertility while still in hell...

Am I ungrateful because I'm not grateful for the other shit?

I think I must be missing this overwhelming realization...

I keep thinking there has to be this incredible moment that brings you to your knees and floods you with this undying gratitude for something that's causes so much pain...and I'm missing it...

Because if I could go back in time...I would shake the me of back then and say: "Stop spending so much goddamn money!!"

I will tell you this...my heart is full with gratitude for my daughter... I have fallen to my knees sobbing over the miracle of it all...

I am grateful for many things...

I am grateful I survived!

I am grateful I never gave up!

I am grateful for the community of love and support that surrounds me.

But I'm still not grateful for my Infertility...

Not one teeny, tiny bit!            

Yeah...I could have done without the other shit...




Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Just another ordinary day...sort of...Part II

Mother's Day 2011

It should have been "just" another ordinary day...just another Mother's Day.

At the time Mother's Day was a day where I honored my mother by going to brunch and drinking mimosas!

My mom and I have always been close, so all I ever took Mother's Day for was..."just an another day"..."another day" to be with my mom.

My sisters both had children young so I can't even remember a big "ta do"  for their first Mother's Day. There absolutely could have been a big "ta do" but I was finishing high school and heading off to college...being a mother...celebrating Mother's Day...in my book NOT a big "ta do"...just another ordinary day!  So I wouldn't have even noticed...

I always pictured one day I would be the mom at Mother's Day brunch.  But having a longing for it...nay...I took it for granted. I guess I just always assumed that someday it would be me.

 My first miscarriage was so devastating that I spent that whole year determined to get pregnant again. I don't even recall that Mother's Day after my first miscarriage. I miscarried in March and it was now May. I was down but not out.  I still had hope...hope that someday I would be the mom at Mother's Day.  So it was just another day...don't get me wrong, I still mourned the loss of my baby and Mother's Day was a deafening reminder but I was sure the following year I would be celebrating Mother's Day as a mom... It still didn't sink in.

I never realized how much I wanted it or that there was an actual possibility...I mean a REAL possibility...that it might not ever happen for me until that following year...until Mother's Day 2011.

It was one year after my first miscarriage. If I didn't miscarry...this would have been my first Mother's Day. And a few months earlier I failed on my last IVF cycle with my own eggs.

It was hitting home and as I sat at my sister's house having brunch and drinking mimosas, it became painfully clear that this might not happen for me.

I had decided to put my adoption plans on hold and pursue donor eggs.

I remember sitting with my mom looking a photos of egg donors, noting how this one had my eye color or that one had my hair...another deafening reminder.

That Mother's Day 2011 was embarrassing and comical to say the least but what no one knew was that I spent my whole drive home crying...suffering in a pain of realization.

There was nothing ordinary anymore...nothing familiar was left.

But I followed through.

I pursued and 4 months later...I was pregnant...I was going to be a mom on Mother's Day!

Mother's Day was no longer going to be this deafening reminder...no longer this pain of realization...it was going to be "just another ordinary day"...just as it should be...

It was going to be my day...or so I thought...by the time Mother's Day rolled around again. I had suffered two miscarriages and have gone through well over 10 cycles.

It wasn't just another ordinary day anymore...it was my own private hell...one where there wasn't enough mimosas...

I think it was then that I stopped picturing myself as a mom on Mother's Day...well, I guess it wasn't that I stopped picturing it...it was that I couldn't picture it...it all faded away...

Mother's Day 20whatever...Whatever the year..I was determined to make it just another ordinary day!

I tried not to think of my lost babies. I tried not to acknowledge the deafening reminders...the pain of realization...

Mother's Day 2014

I celebrated my first Mother's Day as a mom.

Is it the way I "assumed" it would be?  The way I pictured it?

Is it just another ordinary day?

No...

Nothing is the way I pictured it...

Nothing is the way this ordinary day should be...

It is extraordinary!

I think that is what makes it so special and so unbelievably magical...

And that will forever make it anything but "just another ordinary day"...



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Saturday, April 26, 2014

Ladybug

Riding on the dashboard of my car is a Ladybug.  A stuffed Ladybug that sits there and watches over me as I drive.

A stuffed Ladybug who's once black hair has now turned blonde from the beams of sun shining through my car windshield for almost 20 years!

In 1998 for my 30th birthday (yea, y'all can stop doing the math! I'm no spring chicken!) I was finally able to buy myself my dream car! (and yes this Jersey girl can say y'all sometimes too!! I have southern relatives! and some southern roots!)

For my 30th I bought a 1994 Ford Mustang GT convertible with "5 on the floor" - that's a manual 5 speed transmission for those of you who were wondering what "5 on the floor meant" - a stick shift!

I am a firm believer that a Mustang should be 8 cylinders with a manual transmission.  Those who get a Mustang in a 6 cylinder and an automatic are missing the beauty of this classic muscle car! Ford shouldn't even indulge the pansy ass public by making the Mustang in a 6 cylinder automatic! To me it's sacrilege!

So in 1998 for my 30th birthday, I bought myself the car of my dreams in red of course!  My favorite color.  And to christen my beautiful car, I bought a black and red stuffed Ladybug and placed in the windshield. Ladybug has been my good luck charm, my protector, my travel companion, my safe journey as I gallivanted as far as my 5 speeds would take me.

And there on the dashboard of my dream car Ladybug stayed until 2008 when I sold my dream car and bought a new car, a Chevy HHR. I know a far cry from my beloved Mustang but I love this car too! And of course it is red and a stick shift. There are two mandatory things I need when buying a car: it has to be red and it has to be a 5 speed (well of course a 6 speed would do too!)

Ladybug fit in perfectly with my new car and there she sits to this day being my good luck charm, my protector, my travel companion, my safe journey.

On the day I got the call...tax day...there was Ladybug sitting on my dashboard, watching over me as I drove to my adoption agency.

My mom was meeting me there and then we were going to meet the birth mom and the grandmother together.

We met with the social workers first.

I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how this was going to go...I mean really is there a precedent? Is there any way to prepare for something like this?

At first we went over formalities,  then the social workers painted the picture of when the birth mom and the grandmother saw my profile and how they felt such a strong connection.

And now it was time to meet them...once again I wasn't sure what to expect...and I was scared...would I live up to this strong connection...

As they walked through the door...I felt like I was watching a movie...a movie that I didn't know how it was going to end...

The grandmother walked in. She came right over to me and said: "I feel like I want to hug you!"

I said: "Oh please do!"

And we hugged...we hugged as if we knew each other from a time gone past...

The birth mom was carrying something and reached out to hand it to me.

I was an Easter basket with bunny ears in it. But this basket wasn't weaved or in the shape of a bunny...

No this basket was black and red and in the shape of a...

Ladybug!

As the meeting progress, they told me of all the things that connected them to me...I felt a familiarity that is unexplainable...I studied them...I knew them...they were so familiar...and yes there was a strong connection and things that were just (add a sigh in here!)...things that were just kismet...for lack of a better word...that's the only way I can explain it.

I didn't mention Ladybug to them. Even after we started talking about all the amazing connections...for some reason I kept Ladybug to myself...until...until...

Until the day I picked up my daughter...

I gave the social workers two charm bracelets. One for the birth mom and one for the grandmother...

Two charm bracelets with a single charm on it...

a Ladybug...

I know they know...

And I want them to know that right now...sleeping safely in her crib...is our little Ladybug!


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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Just an ordinary day...sort of...

April 15th 2014

Tax day!

My taxes were already done. I did them a few weeks earlier and thankfully I didn't owe. Whew! Always good news.

So for me April 15th 2014 started out like any other day...sort of...

The day before tax day, Sissy L sent me a text message asking if I could bring her to the doctors in the afternoon, the afternoon of April 15th.

That meant I had to take off work.

I really wasn't happy about taking off work, but I have vacation days available and that night (dreaded tax day night) I had a big test at school...plus my sister needed help...so I took off from work.

Later that evening...the night before April 15th...Sissy L calls me and says she doesn't need me to drive her anymore...BUT I had already taken off from work.

I was annoyed.

I decided I would take the day off anyway...go to a Crossfit class in the morning and then study all day before my test at night.

So on April 15th 2014, I woke up and started my day...just an ordinary day...

I went to Crossfit. It was a killer class (I LOVE Crossfit!)

After class, I was talking to one of the owners of the gym when my cell phone rang.

I didn't recognize the number.  At first I thought it was business related. Possibly website issues that I wasn't in the mood to deal with...so I answered the phone the way I always answer it when I don't know who it is:

"Michaela speaking"

"Hi Michaela, this is Danielle from the Children's Home Society"

To be honest, I was slightly confused. This was my adoption agency calling but Danielle is not my social worker. Angie is. And with it being tax day and all...I thought they were calling for some financial paperwork I still owed them...but I mean come on...can't a girl have a few days after tax day to get her tax info in!

"Oh Hi, where's Angie?"

"She's on vacation. Can I put you on speaker phone?"

Speaker phone? I was completely confused and not at all prepared for what happened next.

"Sure"

"Great. I have Patricia here and we both just wanted to say...Hi Mom!"

I didn't understand what they were saying...and then it hit me...I'm placed!!

At approximately 10:30 am on April 15th 2014 I became a mom.

Danielle and Patricia went on to tell me that a birth mom and the grandma picked me to be placed with a beautiful 9 month old little girl.

And they wanted me to meet the birth mother and grandma that day...at 3:15...in less than 4 hours...

I think the first thing I said (who knows why!) is: "I have a big test tonight! I have to call my professor!"

Followed by: "I have to call my mom! I have to call my mom!"

I couldn't speak. I couldn't form sentences!

Then Patricia said something to me that will forever stay in my heart...she said...

"Michaela breathe! They don't want to meet you to decide if they want you. They have already decided you are the one. They want to meet you to share in your joy!"

Every time I think of that and every time I think of my meeting with these amazing women I feel a love, a bond, an undeniable, unexplainable connection...

Meeting them has changed me forever...in that meeting they told me that as soon as they saw my profile they knew I was meant to be this little girl's forever mommy...

Two days later on April 17th 2014 I brought my daughter home.

I am a mommy!

I am her forever mommy!



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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Walking the mile Part II...

There are roads we must take.

Paths that we must follow.

Some are by choice, some by chance and some because we have no choice.

Those are the hardest to walk.

The ones where you have no choice.

There is power in choice...but when it has been taken out of your hands...when you have no choice...you have no power...

That's when you crawl.

That's when the slightest movement forward has drained you of all you have.

I will tell you this...right now I am barely crawling.

And although I said I wasn't going to give Mr. Selleck any more billing here I have to...

What he did to me is what keeps me crawling...I must work on standing...

His actions, his words, his betrayal, his lies...have all but crushed me to the ground.

And as I use every last bit of strength I have to move one inch...

It makes me wonder how my actions may have caused others to walk miles they didn't want to...

And it makes me wonder how my actions may have been detrimental to their ability to walk...

Causing them to crawl...

No one wants to be responsible for the pain and suffering of others...but when it comes to the matters of the heart is there really any way to avoid that?

What Mr. Selleck did was extreme...and I keep thinking about my behavior in the past that may have warranted such harsh retribution...

This isn't the first time I have had thoughts like this...I have many times wondered if at certain times in my life, even though I was truly sorry, if at those certain times when my actions weren't of the utmost moral standards, if due to those times my karmic debt still hasn't been paid.

And I know this sounds weird but this is a character flaw of mine...being too sensitive and too hard on myself...because I think deep down inside I have this notion that somehow I must have done something to deserve it...

The same with my infertility and miscarriages...I feel that somehow I deserve it and I just want my debt paid...

So relationship wise...do I feel that I deserve what Mr. Selleck did to me?

I think if I am going to figure this out, honesty is a good place to start.

The most important person that I have to be honest with is myself.

About two years ago on Facebook I received a friend request.

That request was from the guy in college that I had "the affair" with when I was still in a relationship with my High School Sweetheart.

That request made me pause...pause and think...think back to a time, a time where I wasn't as loyal and faithful as I should have been.

A time where I was learning what kind of person I wanted to be but maybe not always practicing those traits or making the best choices.

It made me reflect. Reflect on everything that happened back then...

It's amazing how much you don't remember!

And amazing how much you do...

Funny, I remember where he lived and what his place looked like from back in time...

There have been many times over the years when I drove into that area, I would purposely turn up his old street just to drive past his old place...

And I remember when I told him that I was ending the affair.

He was standing at my front door and I was explaining how my High School Sweetheart loved me and I wasn't going to leave my High School Sweetheart.

As I went to shut the door in an act of finality, he pushed it back open and said: "He loves you...I love you!"

Was that the moment when I couldn't make sense of my feelings...when I couldn't make sense of his feeling or my High School Sweetheart's feelings...

The moment where I realized what I had done...to all of us...

The moment when I knew I had to walk away??

I don't know...

See after that I don't really remember that much...

Except that one day...I think months later...he showed up at my work.

By that time I was with my sailor and I am not even sure how the conversation went...

I feel horrible that I can't remember what I said...

Was I mean? Was I compassionate? Did I apologize?

Maybe that's what this is all about...me wanting to apologize...to tell him that although I had strong feeling for him, there was no way I could have loved him because I didn't love myself. Because I was too busy hating myself for what I had done...and he was a part of that mess...that mess I had to clean up and move on from...

But seriously some 20 plus years later...do I even own him an apology?

The answer is: "No". I don't owe him an apology. I don't owe him a damn thing.  He knew I was with someone else and he pursued me anyway. Unlike Mr. Selleck who played on my every hope and dream, whose lies and deception were hidden by songs of I love you...I never made him promises that I was going to leave my High School Sweetheart  for him and I never made him promises of love...

BUT yes, what I know now, a lesson that I painfully learned back then is that it was my job to say "No thank you" to him when he made those advances and I didn't. I didn't and that in turn only caused pain for all those involved: myself included.

So no I don't owe him an apology.

So why? Why think about? Is this because Mr. Selleck came along and trounced on my heart?

No this has been on my mind for a lot longer than Mr. Selleck...

No this is something that has gone in and out of my conscious for 20 plus years... that moved to the forefront with a simple friend request.

My feelings of having done something to deserve all the pain that I have been through has compelled me to revisit the past...to revisit him...to tell him it was nothing he had done to deserve the mess that I made when I gave in to his advances...

Maybe it's me trying to release the ghost...

And maybe, yes, there is a part of me that wants to apologize...not because I think I owe him an apology but because I am sorry and it would be something I would like to hear...and really isn't that how you move forward and release the ghost??

By acknowledging it's presence...accepting your part in its creation...and saying I'm sorry...

So relationship wise...from my past...do I feel that I deserve what Mr. Selleck did to me?

No!

There is nothing I have done in the past that made me deserve the heartache that Mr. Selleck has caused me...

There is nothing I have done in the past that makes me deserve that heartache of infertility and miscarriages.

So as I am forced onto this path...

As I am learning to stand...

As I walk my mile...

Maybe by accepting the fact that I did nothing to deserve this and truly believing it in my heart...

Then maybe at the end of my mile there won't be an electric chair...

Just a tiny ray of redemption...


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Friday, March 7, 2014

Maybe I'm Amazed Part II

I will be honest. There came a point when I wanted to stop telling the story of Mr. Selleck.

In my head I am completely done with him...I just wish my heart would get the memo.

I wish my heart would stop making my head go over every little detail of every moment we spent together trying to find a reason.

I am revisiting every word he said to me.  Reliving every moment we shared trying to figure it out.

Looking for that elusive fucking reason.

Just once I want a fucking reason!

Seriously! The last 4 1/2 years of my life have been the most painful so did  I really need this dick to come across my path!

REALLY!

What is the fucking reason for that!

So God, the cosmos, the universe or whatever thought: "Hey I don't think her hopes and dreams have been shattered enough...let's make her think she's met the one and then rip her heart out! Yeah, that should do it! Bwahhh haaaahaa!"

That is why I wanted to stop telling the story.

It hurts too much.

I'm driving myself crazy!

By continuing the story I am still giving him life.

He doesn't deserve life...at least not in my life.

The reason I keep reliving it?  The only thing I come up with is that I am still in shock.

I am still amazed!

I actually had a reader comment that they are no longer going to follow my blog because they liked it better when I wrote about the pursuit of family through adoption and other means.

The hard part is, when you stop doing treatments and you are an adoptive parent in waiting...there isn't much action...just a lot of waiting.

I have now been waiting for 2 years.

This month I will be doing my homestudy for the 3rd time and well...that's another thing I am amazed about.

I knew I would probably have a longer wait but I never thought I'd hit 2 years...

You start to feel like it is never going to happen.

Kinda like meeting the guy...I had given up on that ever happening and then...

When I met Mr. Selleck I was in cycle.

I had a transfer and I was waiting for the results.

Mr. Selleck knew none of this until I had my chemical pregnancy.

It's funny...when I got that positive pregnancy test I thought: "Wow I finally met a guy I really like and he's probably going to run when he finds out I'm pregnant."

But I didn't care...I didn't care if he ran...I was pregnant!

I'm amazed that I actually believed I could have a viable pregnancy...

Isn't it amazing that even when you've yet to have a viable pregnancy...when all of your pregnancies have ended in miscarriage...those two lines send your head and heart right off into Wonderland!

It's a false promise...like the words of Mr. Selleck that keep echoing in my head...only there to make you believe and then rip it away...

Maybe I'm amazed that I had any hope left.

I even entertained the idea that I might finally have everything I ever dreamed of...the guy and the baby...oh you silly little girl...

When my pregnancy turned out to be chemical, I foolishly thought the reason could have been Mr. Selleck...once again oh so wrong...

I'm pretty sure it's because THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON AND NOTHING IS MEANT TO BE.

It's just all random crap...to believe otherwise would make it all too cruel...

Maybe I'm amazed that I fell for it again...all that hope had to offer...I soaked it in...

I'm amazed I let hope fool me again!

So, I was going to continue with the story of how hope in the form of Mr. Selleck fooled me again.  There's definitely more...

I have titles and started writing blog post on how it's been being without him...life experiences that relate to this...on and on...

But...

The day after he amazed me...the very next day...he put up a dating profile...and a few weeks later I heard through the grapevine that he started dating someone new and was proclaiming his undying love on the 2nd date...

On the 2nd fucking date!

I am amazed!

Beyond amazed!

The funny thing is (well nothing is really funny right now) that when Mr. Selleck told me he loved me after we had been only dating for 2 months I questioned it! I told him I thought it was too soon and I was afraid he might be a player...and now he's proclaiming his love after 2 dates!

It kills me! The thought of him being that way with someone else...kills me...and I know that some would think this information would make me feel better...knowing that he is just crazy...but it doesn't...it doesn't make me feel better...it makes me feel insignificant...like everything was nothing...

I am amazed!

But I will say it again...he no longer deserves life in my world.

His character is being written out of the script.

I will try to put him out of my mind and every day he will begin to fade away.

Like an artist erasing a character from a sketch, all that will be left is the faint trace of what could have been...

I'm heartbroken and there really isn't much I can do about it but wait it out...

I'm going to try to refocus my energy, spend some time with me and remind myself of how amazing I am.

I am amazing!

I'm an amazing woman with a broken heart.

It will mend.

Because there is one thing I've learned over the years, a broken heart sucks...there's no way around that

But amazingly...

 In time it will heal...(I hope!)





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