Sunday, March 30, 2014

Walking the mile Part II...

There are roads we must take.

Paths that we must follow.

Some are by choice, some by chance and some because we have no choice.

Those are the hardest to walk.

The ones where you have no choice.

There is power in choice...but when it has been taken out of your hands...when you have no choice...you have no power...

That's when you crawl.

That's when the slightest movement forward has drained you of all you have.

I will tell you this...right now I am barely crawling.

And although I said I wasn't going to give Mr. Selleck any more billing here I have to...

What he did to me is what keeps me crawling...I must work on standing...

His actions, his words, his betrayal, his lies...have all but crushed me to the ground.

And as I use every last bit of strength I have to move one inch...

It makes me wonder how my actions may have caused others to walk miles they didn't want to...

And it makes me wonder how my actions may have been detrimental to their ability to walk...

Causing them to crawl...

No one wants to be responsible for the pain and suffering of others...but when it comes to the matters of the heart is there really any way to avoid that?

What Mr. Selleck did was extreme...and I keep thinking about my behavior in the past that may have warranted such harsh retribution...

This isn't the first time I have had thoughts like this...I have many times wondered if at certain times in my life, even though I was truly sorry, if at those certain times when my actions weren't of the utmost moral standards, if due to those times my karmic debt still hasn't been paid.

And I know this sounds weird but this is a character flaw of mine...being too sensitive and too hard on myself...because I think deep down inside I have this notion that somehow I must have done something to deserve it...

The same with my infertility and miscarriages...I feel that somehow I deserve it and I just want my debt paid...

So relationship wise...do I feel that I deserve what Mr. Selleck did to me?

I think if I am going to figure this out, honesty is a good place to start.

The most important person that I have to be honest with is myself.

About two years ago on Facebook I received a friend request.

That request was from the guy in college that I had "the affair" with when I was still in a relationship with my High School Sweetheart.

That request made me pause...pause and think...think back to a time, a time where I wasn't as loyal and faithful as I should have been.

A time where I was learning what kind of person I wanted to be but maybe not always practicing those traits or making the best choices.

It made me reflect. Reflect on everything that happened back then...

It's amazing how much you don't remember!

And amazing how much you do...

Funny, I remember where he lived and what his place looked like from back in time...

There have been many times over the years when I drove into that area, I would purposely turn up his old street just to drive past his old place...

And I remember when I told him that I was ending the affair.

He was standing at my front door and I was explaining how my High School Sweetheart loved me and I wasn't going to leave my High School Sweetheart.

As I went to shut the door in an act of finality, he pushed it back open and said: "He loves you...I love you!"

Was that the moment when I couldn't make sense of my feelings...when I couldn't make sense of his feeling or my High School Sweetheart's feelings...

The moment where I realized what I had done...to all of us...

The moment when I knew I had to walk away??

I don't know...

See after that I don't really remember that much...

Except that one day...I think months later...he showed up at my work.

By that time I was with my sailor and I am not even sure how the conversation went...

I feel horrible that I can't remember what I said...

Was I mean? Was I compassionate? Did I apologize?

Maybe that's what this is all about...me wanting to apologize...to tell him that although I had strong feeling for him, there was no way I could have loved him because I didn't love myself. Because I was too busy hating myself for what I had done...and he was a part of that mess...that mess I had to clean up and move on from...

But seriously some 20 plus years later...do I even own him an apology?

The answer is: "No". I don't owe him an apology. I don't owe him a damn thing.  He knew I was with someone else and he pursued me anyway. Unlike Mr. Selleck who played on my every hope and dream, whose lies and deception were hidden by songs of I love you...I never made him promises that I was going to leave my High School Sweetheart  for him and I never made him promises of love...

BUT yes, what I know now, a lesson that I painfully learned back then is that it was my job to say "No thank you" to him when he made those advances and I didn't. I didn't and that in turn only caused pain for all those involved: myself included.

So no I don't owe him an apology.

So why? Why think about? Is this because Mr. Selleck came along and trounced on my heart?

No this has been on my mind for a lot longer than Mr. Selleck...

No this is something that has gone in and out of my conscious for 20 plus years... that moved to the forefront with a simple friend request.

My feelings of having done something to deserve all the pain that I have been through has compelled me to revisit the past...to revisit him...to tell him it was nothing he had done to deserve the mess that I made when I gave in to his advances...

Maybe it's me trying to release the ghost...

And maybe, yes, there is a part of me that wants to apologize...not because I think I owe him an apology but because I am sorry and it would be something I would like to hear...and really isn't that how you move forward and release the ghost??

By acknowledging it's presence...accepting your part in its creation...and saying I'm sorry...

So relationship wise...from my past...do I feel that I deserve what Mr. Selleck did to me?

No!

There is nothing I have done in the past that made me deserve the heartache that Mr. Selleck has caused me...

There is nothing I have done in the past that makes me deserve that heartache of infertility and miscarriages.

So as I am forced onto this path...

As I am learning to stand...

As I walk my mile...

Maybe by accepting the fact that I did nothing to deserve this and truly believing it in my heart...

Then maybe at the end of my mile there won't be an electric chair...

Just a tiny ray of redemption...


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Friday, March 7, 2014

Maybe I'm Amazed Part II

I will be honest. There came a point when I wanted to stop telling the story of Mr. Selleck.

In my head I am completely done with him...I just wish my heart would get the memo.

I wish my heart would stop making my head go over every little detail of every moment we spent together trying to find a reason.

I am revisiting every word he said to me.  Reliving every moment we shared trying to figure it out.

Looking for that elusive fucking reason.

Just once I want a fucking reason!

Seriously! The last 4 1/2 years of my life have been the most painful so did  I really need this dick to come across my path!

REALLY!

What is the fucking reason for that!

So God, the cosmos, the universe or whatever thought: "Hey I don't think her hopes and dreams have been shattered enough...let's make her think she's met the one and then rip her heart out! Yeah, that should do it! Bwahhh haaaahaa!"

That is why I wanted to stop telling the story.

It hurts too much.

I'm driving myself crazy!

By continuing the story I am still giving him life.

He doesn't deserve life...at least not in my life.

The reason I keep reliving it?  The only thing I come up with is that I am still in shock.

I am still amazed!

I actually had a reader comment that they are no longer going to follow my blog because they liked it better when I wrote about the pursuit of family through adoption and other means.

The hard part is, when you stop doing treatments and you are an adoptive parent in waiting...there isn't much action...just a lot of waiting.

I have now been waiting for 2 years.

This month I will be doing my homestudy for the 3rd time and well...that's another thing I am amazed about.

I knew I would probably have a longer wait but I never thought I'd hit 2 years...

You start to feel like it is never going to happen.

Kinda like meeting the guy...I had given up on that ever happening and then...

When I met Mr. Selleck I was in cycle.

I had a transfer and I was waiting for the results.

Mr. Selleck knew none of this until I had my chemical pregnancy.

It's funny...when I got that positive pregnancy test I thought: "Wow I finally met a guy I really like and he's probably going to run when he finds out I'm pregnant."

But I didn't care...I didn't care if he ran...I was pregnant!

I'm amazed that I actually believed I could have a viable pregnancy...

Isn't it amazing that even when you've yet to have a viable pregnancy...when all of your pregnancies have ended in miscarriage...those two lines send your head and heart right off into Wonderland!

It's a false promise...like the words of Mr. Selleck that keep echoing in my head...only there to make you believe and then rip it away...

Maybe I'm amazed that I had any hope left.

I even entertained the idea that I might finally have everything I ever dreamed of...the guy and the baby...oh you silly little girl...

When my pregnancy turned out to be chemical, I foolishly thought the reason could have been Mr. Selleck...once again oh so wrong...

I'm pretty sure it's because THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON AND NOTHING IS MEANT TO BE.

It's just all random crap...to believe otherwise would make it all too cruel...

Maybe I'm amazed that I fell for it again...all that hope had to offer...I soaked it in...

I'm amazed I let hope fool me again!

So, I was going to continue with the story of how hope in the form of Mr. Selleck fooled me again.  There's definitely more...

I have titles and started writing blog post on how it's been being without him...life experiences that relate to this...on and on...

But...

The day after he amazed me...the very next day...he put up a dating profile...and a few weeks later I heard through the grapevine that he started dating someone new and was proclaiming his undying love on the 2nd date...

On the 2nd fucking date!

I am amazed!

Beyond amazed!

The funny thing is (well nothing is really funny right now) that when Mr. Selleck told me he loved me after we had been only dating for 2 months I questioned it! I told him I thought it was too soon and I was afraid he might be a player...and now he's proclaiming his love after 2 dates!

It kills me! The thought of him being that way with someone else...kills me...and I know that some would think this information would make me feel better...knowing that he is just crazy...but it doesn't...it doesn't make me feel better...it makes me feel insignificant...like everything was nothing...

I am amazed!

But I will say it again...he no longer deserves life in my world.

His character is being written out of the script.

I will try to put him out of my mind and every day he will begin to fade away.

Like an artist erasing a character from a sketch, all that will be left is the faint trace of what could have been...

I'm heartbroken and there really isn't much I can do about it but wait it out...

I'm going to try to refocus my energy, spend some time with me and remind myself of how amazing I am.

I am amazing!

I'm an amazing woman with a broken heart.

It will mend.

Because there is one thing I've learned over the years, a broken heart sucks...there's no way around that

But amazingly...

 In time it will heal...(I hope!)





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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Maybe I'm Amazed Part I

When Mr. Selleck was standing outside my door on New Years Day, I had no idea what was going to happen with us but by the end of the night I was certain we were in it for the long haul...oh how wrong I was!

Now I'll be perfectly honest, I am not even sure what he said or what I said when he first came in.

I think I ran to hide my vibrator...

I know he said something about it being hard to love him...really!?...what a bunch of self indulgent, self stroking crap!

But trust me I wasn't thinking that at the time. To be honest I have no idea what I was thinking...probably because I wasn't thinking...my heart was in control.

I know we talked about New Years Eve. I was very upset about New Years Eve.

He told me he ended up going over his ex's...now I know this sounds bad but it wasn't his recent ex. This was the ex he had his daughter with and they have been broken up for 13 years.

Plus she has a boyfriend, who was there.

It wasn't the fact he went there that bothered me. He actually goes there all the time. His daughter lives there.

It was the fact that he didn't spend New Years Eve with me.

Then he goes on to tell me that he behaved poorly there! He drank too much and made a scene.

NOT GOOD.

But everything I questioned...

Everything I asked....

He apologized and reassured me COMPLETELY.

He was 100% with me!

His "I love you's" were non-stop.

He kept telling me over and over how much he loved me. How much he needed me and how I was his best friend.

He would say just that: "I love you! You know that right! I love you. You are my best friend".

Over and over again he would say it:

"I love you! You are my best friend."

He would take my hand and hold it...repeat "I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

Stroke my face...and repeat "I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

Examine my face...kiss me..."I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

And he sang to me...

The song he kept signing: "Maybe I'm Amazed"

It was beautiful.

It was close.

It was intimate.

We talked...I questioned it happening again...him needing space.

He said: "This time next year we will see how many times it's happened...zero!"

He brought up marriage again and Vegas.

We started planning a trip "to some place warm".

It was all future tense.

It was all us!

And as far as New Years Eve went...we had it out...

He was really upset about getting drunk at his ex's and he was wondering how to handle it with his daughter.

So I told him that on my end I would let him off the hook for New Years.

And I did let him off the hook.

He even went as far as calling his ex and telling her that he would be coming over...coming over with me. That we would pick up his daughter and take her out to dinner. I could hear the whole phone conversation he was having with his ex and his daughter, how he was including me in the plans.

I told him that I felt that maybe he should go alone and he said no. "I want you with me. I need you with me." and so I said I would go with him.

Those plans never came about.

2 days later at 7 am in the morning Mr. Selleck declared that he needed his space again.

His exact words: "Oh yeah. I'm going to need some space again and that includes seeing other people."

Just like that!

"Oh yeah. I'm going to need some space again and that includes seeing other people."

I was in shock!

I was amazed!

"You're telling me this now at 7am when I have to go to work!"

His reply: "There's never a good time to say it."

I think I wanted to punch him but I was in too much shock to form sentences never mind throw a punch.

The sentences I was trying to form were coming out all jumbled...

"How could you...after this last week...the I love you...the best friend..."

His response: "I was in a very emotional place and needed you."

*So you used me and now tossing me to the side?!? - of course this was something I didn't say...

I wish I wasn't in such shock. I felt like I couldn't breathe...struggling to keep my head above water and Mr. Selleck kept pushing me under...

There was no clarity in the moment. Everything was so surreal. Like he was this stranger standing in front of me saying: "But I still want to see you!"

He still wanted to see me (yeah right! douche bag!).

He said: "I know you don't do that but I want you to think about it. Think about it. Consider it. I'll come over tonight (it was our Wednesday) and we'll talk about it."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

Oh yes...I was amazed!

The last sentence I did form, my last words to him as he walked out the door were very clear:

"You know this is over right!".

That is the last time I saw Mr. Selleck.

I text him later that day and told him not to come over. There was nothing left to say...

Maybe I'm amazed at how quickly his feelings changed.

Maybe I'm amazed at how casual and nonchalant he was about it all.

Maybe I'm amazed at how little his words "I love you" meant.

Maybe I'm amazed that I was in bed with a total stranger and never noticed.

There are so many things that I am amazed about what happened, but I guess the one that gets me the most is I am amazed at how much this hurts.

Because if there was one thing that I thought I got out of the last four years of struggling it was that I've become immune to hurt...




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Friday, February 21, 2014

The healing powers of a Stromboli!

When Mr. Selleck text me that he need some alone time...I was concerned...but I didn't think it meant we were breaking up. All I thought was that he was pulling his crap again and it would blow over.

He had told me he wasn't feeling well a few days before. Sometimes this happens to him where he gets dizzy and vertigo. It stems from the fact that he's had Lyme disease three times.

His text was matter of fact: "Hey, you're right I haven't been myself. I have been feeling dizzy, anxious and depressed. I'm just regrouping that's all."

Okay...no biggie right....

Right?

The words of the physic were ringing in my head:

"He will need to "go off" on his own sometimes...have these little "trips" ...Don't worry...Give that to him...He is with you 100%!"

Right!

And it was fine for the first day...

the second day...

We were texting but he sometimes wouldn't respond for hours and that was driving me nuts.

New Years Eve was approaching and his delayed responses were now not only driving me nuts but pissing me off.

It wasn't nice...it wasn't fair and actually it was down and out rude!

I was being the most understanding, patient, compassionate person and he was treating me rude!

Flat out rude! And of course I let him know it was rude!

He text me asking me not to be upset. Saying how much he cared...blah...blah...

All I wanted to know was about our plans for New Years Eve.

I gave him the out. I told him we didn't have to go to my friend's house for New Years. We could stay home. I just wanted to spend it with him...

He text me to go alone.

I was crushed.

I want a boyfriend who would do anything to be with me...and Mr. Selleck...Mr. Selleck just told me to go alone...

And I did...go alone...

And I had a great time!

And I drank too much which led to me sending a drunk text to Mr. Selleck and then passing out.

I woke up in the morning to a text from Mr. Selleck: "Happy 2014 babe...let me know when you get home"

I was Hung Over! (with a capital H and a capital O).

I didn't go home until later that afternoon and I waited an hour to text him I was home.

He didn't respond!

Confusion and a hangover led me to make one decision...

I needed a Stromboli.

Right now the only thing that would cure this hangover was a Stromboli.

I placed my order for my Stromboli. I couldn't wait for my Stromboli to get there! I needed it's magical powers.

But I did have some time to kill so I decided it was a good time for a little "me alone" time...wink...wink...

Basically I decided to pleasure myself while I was waiting for my Stromboli...hey don't judge...I hadn't seen Mr. Selleck in 4 days and I am a woman in my 40s...which basically means that I now have the sex drive of a 18 year old boy...a constant (and I mean constant!) desire ;)

Plus I had 40 minutes to kill...or so I thought...

Just as things were getting good the doorbell rang!

Wow my Stromboli came quick!

I ran with excitement...et um...not that kind of excitement...to the door to get my Stromboli.

I am sure my face was flush...yes from that kind of excitement...but I didn't care...I needed the hangover healing powers of a Stromboli more than I needed to finish what I had started...

I ran down the stairs, flung the door open and there stood Mr. Selleck...

A wave of disappointment came over my face as I said: "Oh...I thought you were my Stromboli"

Then I asked him the question I was wondering for the last 4 days: "Are we breaking up?"

His reply: "I don't think so...can I come in?"

"Sure. But I'd rather have my Stromboli!"

Mr. Selleck came in...and didn't leave for 6 days.

My Stromboli also came...I shared it with Mr. Selleck.

It cured my hangover and things between me and Mr. Selleck.

In the 6 days that me and Mr. Selleck were holed up in my condo, we didn't get dressed for 2 days.

2 full days of nothing but nakedness, sex, kissing, sleep, talking and cuddling...tons of talking and tons of cuddling.

On the 3rd day, when the snow finally stopped, we finally took a shower, put clothes on and went out to get food and alcohol.

We stopped at the local pizza place where I always get my pizza and of course my Stromboli but this time instead we got a calzone.

Maybe that's where we went wrong....

Calzones just don't have the healing power that Stromboli's do!

Because by the 7th day...Mr. Selleck and I ended our relationship...for good this time...and there isn't a Stromboli big enough...


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Sunday, February 9, 2014

Tom Hanks...oh so predictable!

To say everything was "the way it should be" with Mr. Selleck or "perfect" would be a lie.

The truth is I didn't know exactly how things were between Mr. Selleck and I.

It seemed like we were "back together".

But we never really discussed what "We'll work it out" entailed.

And I was afraid to ask.

Which is really crazy considering I am a "tell it like it is" kinda a gal and I usually have no problem with getting to the bottom of things.

I guess I didn't want to know the answer.

I just wanted me and Mr. Selleck to be amazing...the amazing I knew we could be...the amazing we should be...

So I didn't ask.

But there was one thing I did that I probably shouldn't have...

When I had made my decision to break up with Mr. Selleck I went back to tried and true...I text Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks was a guy that I went on one date with after the first time Mr. Selleck and I broke up.

He was safe, he was reliable...he just didn't give me butterflies....

He wasn't my Mr. Selleck....BUT...we had a good first date and I thought if Mr. Selleck was out texting other women maybe I should see what's out there for me...

I did not tell Mr. Selleck any of this...

Did I do it so I could feel a release on the grip Mr. Selleck had over me...I don't know...did I do it because deep down inside I still felt like that abandoned little girl who learned that leaving first hurts less...I don't know...was I trying to walk away...I don't know...but whatever the reason...if any were the case, it back fired.

After another date with Tom Hanks. A good date. We said goodbye at the car with a little peck on the lips...I got in my car and proceeded to cry the whole way home...I mean sob!

I don't know what it was that triggered it.

The peck on the lips Tom Hanks gave me?

All I know is it wasn't what I wanted. This might be what Mr. Selleck wanted...nothing too big...nothing serious...but it wasn't what I wanted.

All I wanted was Mr. Selleck.

But not at the expense of me.

This...this...whatever this was...it was not working out.

It's not who I am.

And I learned that a long time ago.

It was the week before Christmas and Mr. Selleck and I were spending another amazing night that consisted of too much talking, too much wine and too much sex.

He started asking me what I wanted.

"What do you want?"

I replied: "What do you want?"

I really didn't want to play this game.

I wasn't sure where he was going with this...

So I responded: "I don't want to be dating"

He was surprised: "You've been dating?"

And I was confused...did he now what something "serious"...something bigger...

"Two dates.  I'm trying to give you what you want."

Quietly he said: "I don't want you dating."

I ended the conversation with: "Well then, I guess we have figured out what you don't want."

And started our love making on the living room couch.

The very next night while sitting on that same couch watching TV, Mr. Selleck blurts out: "We should get hitched!"

Now, one could say that his outburst could be caused by the fact that Mr. Selleck and I had a habit of too much talking, too much wine and too much sex but this was before the ritual had even begun...

But this time...this time...instead of contemplating the validity of his words, I turned and with a slight smile said:

"Don't worry baby, I'll let you back pedal out of that one!"

I never saw Tom Hanks again. I feel bad about that.

But I was certain Mr. Selleck and I were moving off of shaky ground.

We both had family plans for Christmas but planned on spending the night before Christmas Eve together as "our" Christmas.

And we made New Years Eve plans.

We were moving off of shaky ground...but on to what?

On "our" Christmas, Mr. Selleck and I were supposed to exchange Christmas presents.  When he showed up he told me my present was at his house. He said it was too big to bring and something he put a lot of thought into...I couldn't wait to see what it was.

But I never did get to see what my Christmas present was...

Even though we had "our" Christmas, Mr. Selleck insisted that he wanted to see me Christmas night too. Of course I took that as a good sign in our relationship. We met late at night at my place.

The morning after Christmas, Mr. Selleck left my bed in a hurry...eerily in a hurry...our love making was in a hurry too (really this time it was more like fucking and not the good kind of fucking)...his getting dressed was in a hurry...eerily in a hurry...

The next day...a text...a text stating that he needed time to himself...but how much time...and what did that mean?

How much time??

Enough time that I never got my Christmas present and I never got a New Years Eve kiss at midnight either.

Because although Mr. Selleck was becoming predictable it wasn't the good kind of predictable...it wasn't safe and solid predictable like the Tom Hanks of the world.

And with Mr. Selleck's predictability came the unpredictable ring of my doorbell on New Years Day.


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Sunday, February 2, 2014

My Christmas Morning...

Mr. Selleck was on his way over.

I had decided that this would be our "one last time" goodbye.

I left the downstairs door open for him.

And as usual my heart raced as I heard him walking up the stairs.

My resolve to walk away from Mr. Selleck was fading fast.

The writing on the wall was barely visible.

I felt like I couldn't breathe without him.

He came in the door.

I didn't get up to greet him like I usually do.

I remained seated on the couch.

He walked over, leaned down and kissed me and then sat next to me.

All will was gone.  All resolve was gone. And the wall was blank.

I told him this could be our "one last time" goodbye.

Mr. Selleck agreed but then said that we can't count this time because he couldn't spend the night . He was having dinner with his daughter and had to leave soon.

I agreed that this time wouldn't count.

We made love.

Mr. Selleck left with the plans that he would come over on "our" Wednesday (a night we always spent together) for our "one last time" goodbye.

Later on in the evening, after he left his daughter, he text me to say good night.

He text me the next morning.

I wondered if he had read my letter.

The letter that I slipped into that little, plastic bag of his belongings.

He didn't mention it.

Had he not looked in the bag?

"Our" Wednesday was here. The night of our "one last time" goodbye.

I text him to ask him what time he was coming over.

He text back:

"Wow baby. I just read your letter. I haven't been nice. I am sorry. Are you sure you still want me to come over?"

I wasn't sure what to say.  I wasn't sure if I felt the same way as I did the day I wrote the letter. I secretly wished I could have somehow snuck into his house and stole it back.

But it was too late.

He read it:

"I am looking for my Christmas morning, my Easter Sunday, my 4th of July, my Thanksgiving day...my hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month and months in the year (42 years right) where I am with the one I think about the most, the one I love with all my heart and the one who is my family.

When we kissed I saw that, when we made love I felt that.

When we had sex whether it was soft and sweet or more erotic, I felt like we were opening up to each other on another level. A level others wished to achieve. 

But what I didn't know was that it was one sided. That you didn't feel the same.

When you came back (and even before then) you lead me to believe you felt the same and I believed you because it all felt so strong. 

No one says the things you did unless you mean it or you are so insecure you wanted to make sure you "had" me. 

And we know you didn't mean it. If you meant it, feelings like that, feelings that strong that should go behind words that strong...feelings like that don't fade in a couple of days or in a couple of weeks. Feelings like that are for keeps. 

I was "this close" to believing in my "meant to be".

But my Christmas morning, my "meant to be" wouldn't be texting another woman in the middle of my living room at 11 o'clock at night.

The only women you should be texting is your sisters, your mother, nieces, in-laws...

I could tell by that smirky smile on your face (which I can't get out of my head) and the way you laughed that you weren't texting any of the above and in that moment I saw you for who you are...and it's none of the things I felt...I've been duped. Feeling a connection that was only on my side. I feel like a fool and I am so hurt that you lead me to believe...

My meant to be...my Christmas morning...my everything...I wish it was you but it's not...and that breaks my heart..."

I stared at his text:

"Wow baby. I just read your letter. I haven't been nice. I am sorry. Are you sure you still want me to come over?"

I text back...

"Yes"

This time when he walked in the door I greeted him.

We didn't really talk.

We kissed passionately as he led me to the bedroom.

As we laid there entangled in each other I said:

"What are we going to do?"

Mr. Selleck put his hand on the side of my head, brushed the hair out of my face, ran his finger down my cheek and said:

"We'll work it out"

That next morning when we woke up in each other arms I knew Mr. Selleck and I were back together.

It all felt so right again...

Until...

Until Christmas morning...


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Sunday, January 26, 2014

Cemetery

I am pretty sure it is my "Been there! Done that!" attitude that lead me to confront Mr. Selleck over the "text heard round the world"

I have a really good bs meter!

After he left, I spent the night tossing and turning. In complete shock. I didn't sleep a wink. My brain was in overdrive.

The next day he text me that he was going out with daughter and would get in touch with me later and then put a LY (love you) at the end.

LY is how he ends his texts to me.  And I usually reply with a "ditto".

I didn't reply.

The next day, I sent one simple text.

I replied: "We need to talk"

I felt the only recourse I had was to break up with him.

It felt like such a "cheater" move for him to be texting another woman.

I ran it over and over and over again in my mind.

The smile that crossed his face when he read the text...

The laugh...

That is NOT "just" a friend...

My mind flashed images, like out of a movie scene, of every moment we spent together.

Remembering things he said and how he made me feel.

On one of our dates we went to an open house at an artist's home. As we explored the grounds we found ourselves inside this little chapel that the artist constructed. It was small and had all these strange statues everywhere.

We sat inside and kissed for what felt like forever! Actually there were people standing outside the chapel waiting to go in and look around but saw us kissing and didn't enter. It was a little embarrassing but in that "Ohh sweet love..." kinda way not a "get a room!" kinda way.

Walking around we met this really hip couple Carol and Rich. They met in the 60's in NYC's downtown theatre scene. They were this fun, sassy, cute couple that had been married for 42 years.

We instantly bonded with them and sat there engage in conversation for quite some time.

Later that night after we made love Mr. Selleck wrapped his arms around me, kissed the back of my neck and ear and said: "I want 42 years with you."

I said teasingly: "Why don't we work on 42 days first, then 42 weeks, then 42 months and then 42 years!"

We laid in bed calculating the date that each milestone would fall on.

His words from the fight kept ringing in my head...

"Not too serious?" "Taking things slow"

Those were his words about our relationship after I caught him texting...was I mistaken?

Talking about being together for 42 years...

Aren't those things you say when you are serious?

During our conversation with the hippest couple on earth, Carol said: "Are you two going to get married?"

Mr. Selleck's reply: "Well we were just in the chapel."

It was cute and sweet. Now that is a remark that you don't take too serious.

But mentioning purposing, urging me to try to get pregnant again...those are not things you say causally...that's serious shit!

This made me wonder about every remark he ever made and of course the biggest remark of all:

"I love you!"

Was he being not too serious about that too?

I saw the writing on the wall.

And it was written in red! Big red letters!

RUN!

There were other words starting to appear on the wall too: player, cheater, rebound...the words were light at first but becoming a darker red the more my mind focused on the wall.

I knew I had to break up with him.

My heart hurt. I truly thought he could be "the one" and he certainly led me to believe that too!

I put his belongings in a bag. It wasn't much...a toothbrush, nicorette gum, some bathroom products and some "bedroom" products (wouldn't you like to know!)...

I put them all in a plastic shopping bag and I slipped a note inside.

A note telling him how he made me feel.

My "goodbye" letter.

He responded back to my "We have to talk" text.

He wrote: "Do you want to meet at the gym?"

"Seriously?" I questioned.

He text that he didn't mean it as if nothing happened, he just felt it was a neutral place to talk.

I told him I was going to church.

He then suggested I meet him at the cemetery that his father is buried in. It is right down the street from my church.

I agreed.

I pulled into the cemetery and saw his car.

We both got out.

I walked over to him.

My heart was racing and hurting all at the same time.

With a shaky voice, I told him I couldn't be with him anymore and gave him his bag of stuff that contained  the secret letter.

He asked if we could be friends.

I said no.

He put the bag in his car.

Then we walked around the mausoleum holding hands and talking.

He told me that even though it was a flirtatious text he has no interest in her.  But on her end she has an interest in him.

*So what are you leading her on? Keeping her on the sidelines? - of course these are things I thought of later on to ask!

He then mentioned that it really is just a matter of how serious of a relationship, how big of a relationship he wants right now...

*Okay then don't say serious things!! Don't say BIG things! Once again something I thought of later to say...

He asked me if I wanted to go with him to see his father's grave.

I declined and said my goodbye.

When I got home I started to rethink everything.

I started to I feel like I completely overreacted.

Everything written in red on the wall was now transforming and fading.

It morphed into a plain, white wall, as the words disappeared,  I couldn't see the writing anymore. Unable to read.

I felt heartache...I felt uncertain of my actions when I was so certain before...

My resolve was fading just like the big red letters on the wall...

I felt like I just said goodbye to the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time.

I sat in my living room in a daze and cried.

Just outside my window I heard the hungered wails of Sematary...my somewhat adopted stray cat.

I pushed open the window and called his name.

"Sematary!" "Sematary!"

There he was, looking up at me with those tortured eyes.

I threw a handful of food out the window.

I watched him walk over, trying to find each nugget in the grass to eat.

I'm not sure how long I stared at him scavenging for nuggets.

I closed the window.

Aimlessly  I walked around my condo. I walked over to my phone.

Slowly picked it up.

Looked at it.

More like studied it.

I sent one text:

"Come over"

An instant reply:

"I'm on my way baby"


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