Addiction

ad•dic•tion 

/əˈdikSHən/

Noun

The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity

Substance

You turn off the lights but the last thing you want to do is sleep. You turn off the lights but the sun is rising and it's filling your room with illuminating streaks. The birds begin to chirp. The neighbors begin to wake. Your heart is racing and your blood is pumping.  You try to relax. You put in the same movie that you have watched over and over and over again. You hope that the half gallon of booze you drank is enough to bring you down. But all your body wants is one more line. And all your hearts wants is for it all to stop.  And your brain, all your brain can think the whole time is: "Oh my God...I've done it again!"

You toss...turn. You're tense. It's 6 am and you are wondering how you are ever going to make it to work later that day.  You swear if you just go to sleep: "I'll never do it again".  All the while concocting a plan on how to get some more to get you through the next day because:

All your body wants is one more line...

One more line to make it stop...

She never mentions the word addiction

In certain company

~ The Black Crowes

I have had many addictions and I debated about whether or not I wanted to share them here, explore them here...there might be people in my real life that read this and have no idea how deep my addictions ran...

After all, I was supposed to be the "good one".

I also run the risk of harsh judgment...but hey I am a "Who gives a f'ck!" kinda gal!...and I am pretty sure no one will judge me any harder than I do myself.

So do I open up and explore my addicted past...

I think I just did! Yes, I was addicted.  

I spent many nights as described above.

I remember when Sober came out by Pink...I posted that video on my Facebook page.  One of my good friends (who is much younger than me) said: "Yeah, I watched the video. I just don't get it." and I said to him: "That's because you've never been addicted"

Yes, I was addicted.  

"Looking for myself SOBER" ~ Pink

And battled. And I won...and it is in the past now.

So I shouldn't beat myself up right?

The past is the past right?

We should embrace it. It makes us who we are today...Right?

Yeah...it does make us who we are today...

But what if in the process of making you who you are today, it destroys who you wanted to be!

Thing

My relationship with Sio was an addiction.

When I was with Sio I knew that we weren't meant to last. He was too young. Too unsettled. I was looking to settle down. A mixture for failure.

Sio and I should have been nothing more than a fling and I should have moved on.  But I couldn't.

I had been single for a while so when Sio came around, flirting and showing interest it was like I had to have it.

I couldn't let go of that thing...that thing that made me feel loved...

I remember at the time talking to one of my "shore house" girlfriends and she asked me: "What are you doing?"

 I said to her: "He loves me. I'm just not ready to give him up yet. Just a little while longer." 

Addicted...

And when Sio would go and act like the 20-something he was I would get mad. We'd have a big fight and I would leave him.

Only to have him beg me not to go. He would tell me how much he loved me and I would cave and take him back every time all the while knowing....knowing it should end...knowing I had to give up that thing...

This went on for years...I was addicted to it...

I was addicted...addicted to that vicious cycle of "I hate you!" "I love you".

And like any addiction in the end it always does more harm than good.

But I needed that "thing" so desperately.  Taking him back was the only thing that would make it stop. Make the heartache stop...

Activity

Addiction is consuming me again.  

And the object of my addiction is the only thing I can think about now.

The funny thing about addiction is that it is always with you and I am not going to lie...lately...there are days when I want to go out buy a pack of smokes and a bottle of whiskey and call it a night...drown myself in alcohol and nicotine...

But I am addicted to something else...

Something much bigger...

Something greater...

TTC

TTC is the most consuming and self destroying addiction I have ever had...the lengths that I am going to are beyond and I can't stop...

Like any good addict I keep trying to find a way for "just one more".

"And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame" ~ Pink

Yes, I am cycling again...

Because this time, this one more time is the time that's going to make it stop. Right?

This time it has to work and then the pain will stop...Right?

Just one more...at any cost...just one more...no matter what the price...just one more...

But eventually...I will have to come down because like any addiction in the end it always does more harm than good.

ad•dic•tion 

/əˈdikSHən/

Verb

Trying to make it stop!

And all the while it is making you who you will be...but what if it's not who you want to become...

"When it's good then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad

Till you're trying to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry, "Never again"

Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend" ~ Pink

Has God run out of miracles?

First, I want to thank everyone who donated to my cousin's son! I am always humbled by the generosity of others. You are all truly inspiring.  And of course we are always open to more generosity...

Click here to Donate

Second, I will be swearing a lot in this post.  Sorry but when I'm upset my Jersey girl comes out and sometimes the only thing left to say is fuck!

I am almost at the 4 year mark. This summer it will be 4 years since I first walked into an REs office.

I was naive, clueless...I thought I would get pregnant on the first try!

I didn't know people didn't get pregnant on the first try.

I thought the only thing I was missing was the man... (Silly little girl...I actually mourned the man before moving forward!)

4 years later...

4 long years that have flown by.

4 years of heartbreak and sorrow.

4 years of dreams being shattered.

4 years of doctors, needles, drugs, poking, prodding and test after test after test.

4 years of hopes crushed, miscarriages, negative HPTs.

4 years of soul crushing loss and identity stealing suffering.

4 years!

4 years!!

4 YEARS!!!!

4 FUCKING YEARS!!!

4 MOTHER FUCKING YEARS!!!!

In my delusion I thought my miracle was just around the corner.

I thought if I just held on...

If I prayed...

If I begged for forgiveness...

If didn't lose faith....

If I kept trying...

Kept believing...

If I only...

Did acupuncture...

Wheatgrass...

Royal Jelly...

DHEA...

If I only...

Changed donors...

Changed clinics...

Did fresh...

Did frozen...

Tested for this...

Tested for that....

If I only... Adopted...

I have seen so many get their miracle.

So, so many....and it does fill me with hope and light...

Well at least for a little while...

Until another day passes...another week...another month...another year...

And I am back to...

If I only...do this that and the other thing....

So where's my miracle?

I am sick of being everyone's greatest fear come to life!

"I'm so afraid this cycle won't work."

"I'm so afraid I'll never get pregnant."

"I'm so afraid I end up with nothing."

"I'm so afraid I won't ever be a mom."

Well, "HEL-FUCKING-LO" have you met Michaela!?

Yup everything that everyone fears while facing IF...I am the god damn poster child!

And yes, is this post a little self pitying...you are damn fucking right it is.

For those of you thinking: "Count your blessing." Blah Blah and etcetera...I do every single fucking day.Thank you very much!

I love my life.  I love my friends and my family. I love my condo and my kitties.

I recently went back to school and I love it!

Every day I express my gratitude.

I am cheerful and happy....well maybe not cheerful...but I have a hell of a sense of humor...and I laugh a lot...

Most wouldn't last 5 minutes never mind 4 years.

So where the hell is my miracle!?

Every night I pray and every morning I say Thank you!

And I kept telling myself that fear is not being able to see my miracle right around the corner...

That I need a faith greater than fear right! Right?

And if I have a faith greater than my fears I can have peace knowing that my miracle will come...right?

But it's been 4 years...

4 torturous years...and now all I can think after watching so many get their miracles...all but me...is that God must have ran out.

One of a Kind

I would like you all to meet Josh.

Josh has a one of a kind disease.

Alternating Hemiplegia of Childhood (AHC) - a rare but debilitating neurological disorder causing temporary bouts of paralysis.

One in every 1 million children suffers from AHC.

Josh is one of those children but Josh is so much more than one in a million...

He is one of a kind.

Josh has a one of a kind heart.

A one of a kind soul.

A one of a kind smile.

A one of a kind laugh.

A one of a kind spirit.

And a one of a kind strength.

A one of a kind strength that I know he gets from his mother.

My cousin.

Strength runs in our family.

I come from a family full of fearlessly strong, beautiful women who overcome every day.

Their strength amazes me. Especially on days when I feel so weak.

But when I look at Josh and his one of a kind determination I know where all that strength comes from...

Our greatest strength come from our greatest love.

Strength comes from love...

And Josh's one of a kind mom is using her strength fueled by her unconditional love to help find a cure for her son.

She has put that strength and love into creating this amazing event.

CureAHC Mixed Round Robin Doubles Tournament

But she needs your help and your support.

Please to donate to help find a cure and show us your one of a kind spirit.

Every little bit helps  - and all donations are invaluable (and one of a kind!)

Click here to make a donation. 

If you live in the Atlanta area and want to register to participate  - Click here to register! 

Get out there and have some tennis fun while raising money for a good cause!

And Josh has a one of a kind message of thanks for you:

There is strength in love....

Forever grateful!

Naked

In order to get my homestudy approved, one of the requirements is to get a physical.

Out of all the requirements, I mean really, in actuality how hard is that. No biggie right...

So around this time last year when I was working on my homestudy, I went and got a physical.

But I have to admit it really wasn't much of a physical. My doctor, Dr. General (my general practitioner at the time) gave me a very quick once over, didn't do any of the required blood work, scribbled on my form and handed it back to me. And in between scribbling on my form he was making comments and questioning me on my age, my income and asking me how expensive it is to adopt...Really???

I should have asked him how much his Mercedes cost but I was taken back by his comments, like he was putting me under the microscope.

I was feeling very scrutinized, very exposed...naked...

 And I was getting really annoyed. I mean really annoyed.  This was a doctor I have been going to since I was a teenager. This is the doctor that literally held my hand when he thought I had Leukemia, a doctor that knew about my miscarriages, the same doctor who when I went to him for clearance to do IVF a few years earlier of course said that old familiar phrase... "Why don't  you just adopt?"

and now...

Now he was throwing out these little digs, these judgments and it was inappropriate and annoying.  I was annoyed that he didn't take it seriously, that he was so callous about whether or not I should continue to pursue motherhood, that he didn't show enough respect to fill out my form,  my adoption form, a form that is so important to me, a form that is my world, that he didn't take 10 minutes out of his lousy day before he sped off in his Mercedes to fill it out properly.

Luckily when I sent in his chicken scratch to my social worker she accepted it and subsequently  after many other requirements were completed, I was homestudy approved.

But on that day, the day Dr. General decided to pass down judgment instead of doing his job,  I was feeling very vulnerable...very exposed... it was all the questions and concerns that I have already asked myself a hundred times but hearing them from him...it left me naked...

The reality is that I knew I could never sit in front of Dr. General again without feeling naked...without feeling like he was looking at my most private parts and disapproving...

So, I switched doctors and now I go to his partner. Dr. Partner. I tell them in the office that I made a mistake on my insurance and claimed the wrong doctor as my primary and haven't bothered to change it.

But it's really because Dr. General saw me naked.

Or should I say forced my clothes off...

One would think with all of the personal information and private parts that I have exposed over the last 4 years of my life that I would be comfortable naked...

And in the physical sense I am.

I have no modesty when it comes to the RE, speculums and the downtown fun with Wanda.

Half the time I am taking off my pants before the nurse has even had a chance to leave the room.

The running joke is that I have to remember to keep my pants on when I go to the dentist.

So today, about one year later from my last physical since my adoption agency requires a new physical every year, I went in for another physical.

I made an appointment with Dr. Partner and when he comes into the room he starts going over my form one line at a time.

I had mentioned that Dr. General really didn't do any tests and Dr. Partner says to me: "If we are going to do this, we are going to do it right."

And he proceeded to do everything on the form. Taking care to fill out properly and even asking if this was my first adoption and congratulating me...I felt fully clothed...

Until...

Until  Dr. Partner said that although it was not required on my form, he always performs an EKG for his physicals and would like me to have one.

Okay! No biggie right!

So, the nurse comes in with a paper gown but it wasn't the pink paper gown that I'm used to.

No, it was white and short?? It's like a vest.

And then she says something to me that I am still trying to process...she says....

"Please get undress from the waist up. And put the vest on with the opening in the front."

And walks out of the room.

From the waist up???

I know there was a look of confusion on my face...I think it's still there....

I went to get undress but my body automatically started undressing from the waist down!

I have NEVER undressed from the waist up!

I must have stood there staring at the white paper vest wondering what to do with it for a couple of minutes.

All I wanted to do was kick my shoes off, pull down my pants and take off my undies...

But I had to stop...I had to think...and then I did it...I took off my shirt...took off my bra and put on the white paper vest.

And all the sudden I was naked!

My boobs were out!

WTF!!

My cookie can be out all the live long day but my boobs!!

I was aware...very aware!!

I was NAKED!! From the waist up NAKED!!

Once it was all over I was glad to cover up and all I kept thinking of  is if you really want to fuck with an Infertile....

Ask them to undress from the waist up and watch the expression on their face...

I am sure mine was priceless!!

**Okay in keeping with the rules of the Liebster Award here is my question to you: "When was a time you felt completely naked?" Please answer in the comments!

An Award and a Free Pass

Julia over at Finding a Way Out nominated me for a Liebster.

Thank you Julia!! Thank you so much!

Here are the rules:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers…the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow…

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves

2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked

3)Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate

4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post

5)Bloggers must be notified of their award!

6) No tag backs!

Even though I am late in acknowledging and thanking Julia, I decided to play along!

I could really use a distraction right now!

11 Things about myself:

1. I have double jointed toes...it's really freaky, I can click them back and forth and it pretty much creeps everyone out that I show them to... including my cats.

2.  I love the funny man! I was never the type of girl to crush on Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper...though they are both very attractive...my type of guy...my Hollywood crushes...Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Mathew Perry, Paul Rudd

3. I cry over road kill...and if it was me that accidently hit them I am upset for a very long time...

4. My vacuum cleaner is older than I am and still works! That thing will suck the curtain right off the rod if I accidentally vacuum it up!

5. I didn't start feeling older until this year. I actually said to my friend V..."Well now that I am finally getting older..." Finally! Ha!! Oh well I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

6. I am a lazy perfectionist.

7. I am very passionate...sometimes to a fault, which causes me to get up on my soapbox...not always a good thing...

8. Most of the time I am kidding around.

9. I have no problem being alone. I would just prefer not to be.

10. I am overly sensitive (as seen in #3). I take things to heart and get very saddened by those things I take to heart.

11. I crack myself up! Yes, I laugh at my own jokes...but in my defense they are usually pretty funny.

Now here are my answers to Julia's questions:

1.  What has been the most memorable thing you have blogged about? Moving forward with my adoption plans and being homestudy approved.

2 . Do you share your blog with people you know in real life? Funny, I am actually working on a post about this! I was so naive when I started blogging...had no idea about anonymity. I wanted to be an open book.  So yes, I share this with people in my real life.  But now I am learning there are days I want to be a closed book...or at least an incognito book!

3.  Do you remember your dreams? If so, what was the last one you remember having? I do remember some of my dreams. The last one was about Samuel.

4.   What is your favourite meal that you make at home? Oh...hmmm...Right now I am addicted to whole wheat pasta with a ground turkey meat sauce and stewed tomatoes. 

5.  If money was no object, where would you travel to next? I have a bucket list! To name a few...in the US - the Grand Canyon,  California, Alaska, Maine (among others)...Overseas - Greece, Italy, Australia, Africa (among others).

6.  What is your best childhood memory? Flying in a glider.

7.  Do you/How did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?  I still don't! Well, that's not really true...I think I finally figured it out! So now is when I knew!

8.  Favourite hot beverage? Coffee. I love coffee. The smell, the taste etc. Throw some Bailey's in there and YUM!!

9.  Favourite cold beverage? Manhattan! But on the non alcoholic side as drab as this sounds, I love drinking plain Seltzer!

10. Best gift that was ever given to you? A cartouche from Egypt with my name on it.

11.  What do you like most about blogging? Being able to get out what I am feeling. Being able to look at, put words to it and hopefully by sharing it, I can in some small way help.

Okay now as far as the other rules of the award go...I don't want to get in trouble but I find that many of the people I read have received this award and so instead of nominating directly the recipients I would choose, I have decided that I choose all of you...my followers...those that read here...

I would LOVE to hear 11 things about you.  Or 3 things or 5 things. Whatever comes to mind that you want to share.

Or answer one of Julia's questions. I actually really enjoyed answering her questions.  Again whatever you feel like sharing please leave the responses in the Comments.

We will make this a dialogue!

I am going to put my 11 questions at the end of upcoming posts and ask all of you to respond.

And now here is my Free Pass.

I am finding that the past is holding me back. I am holding on to mistakes and bad choices, wrongdoings by others and being unforgiving.

I am working on letting go...I am working on my freedom...

Close the door on old, painful memories. Close the door on old hurts, old self-righteous unforgiveness. You might take an incident in the past where there was pain and hurt–something that is hard for you to forgive or look at. Ask yourself: "How long do I want to hold onto this? How long do I want to suffer because of something that happened in the past?" Now see a stream in front of you and take this old experience, this hurt, this pain, and put the whole incident in the stream and see it begin to dissolve and drift away until it disappears. You have the ability to let go. You are free.  ~ Louise Hay

I hope in some small way this will help others to be free too!

When there are no words...What to say at the end of the day...

I've been trying to find a way to express how coming to the end of my trying to conceive journey with a loss has completely altered my being...my soul...my everyday and my forever...

At the end of the day no matter what anyone says...I can't have children...

There is no shiny wrapping paper or a bow that will put a positive spin on this...

There is no: "It was so hard but I would do it all over again...it was so worth it for me."

No at the end of the day I will never carry a child...I will never feel that child growing inside of me...I will never give birth.

There will be no picture of me in the hospital looking up smiling as I hold my newborn baby.

None...another one of those perfect picture moments that are supposed to be put in a frame and adorn your house that I will never experience it.

And I knew...and I don't know when it shifted, when it all slipped away...when I went from knowing in my heart that I was going to have a baby to knowing it was all over...I probably knew long before I stopped trying...isn't that always the way...

But what do I say...and what do people say to me...really I think I just come off as angry and bitter (but hey I have every fucking right to be!) and I think most avoid talking to me because at the end of the day they have no idea what to say (except to be thankful it's not them!)

So how do I express...how do I put into words a pain that no words were ever invented to describe...

This is a completely different level of pain than infertility brought and the pain of actively trying...because even though you are going through so much...and it hurts...there's still a glimmer of hope...you are still trying...it's not over...

But when it's over...I have been trying to find the words to express how I am feeling and I know they don't exist...

There is a stray cat that walks around my condo complex...well there are several "regular" stray cats but two in particular that I try to help.

The one we call "Missy". She comes around and will sit quietly and patiently under the window waiting for one of us in the complex to put some food out.

Missy's meek, she's well fed and I see her sneak into the basement through a open window when the weather's bad. I always make sure she can get in. She's down...but she's not out.

The other cat...I call "Sematary ".  After the cat in the novel "Pet Sematary" by Stephen King.

The beloved family pet that purrs with content as he sleeps peaceful and protectively on the little girl's chest. That cat is the little girl's world. The beautiful family pet full of life until it gets hit by a car and then....

Then....the cat gets buried in the pet cemetery and he comes back to life...but...

The cat is different. Altered... once full of life and now...it's somehow alive but...it walks with a funny "broken" gait, has a hollow look in it eyes and wails that guttural cry....

Yeah...that's how the other cat in my condo complex is...that's why I named him Sematary...and when he comes around he also walks with that same broken gait and cries...wails actually...he wails...

I wish words could describe his wail: "Whooooo rrrrrrgggggg Whoooooo awwwwww" noise....

It comes from the bottom of its being and it's tortured. I used to think it was because he was just hungry and when I would hear that wail I would run to the window and toss out some food so Sematary would get to eat and maybe stop wailing.

And as soon as I open the window, Sematary looks up at me with those lost, hollow eyes and for a small moment while he is eating the wailing stops but as soon as Sematary is done... and he starts to limp away...."Whooooo rrrrrrgggggg Whoooooo awwwwww"...

It's more than hunger...

It's more...

It's like there is something permanently missing...

Like the cat in the movie...he was once alive but now...died...but still has to move on...with that broken, spastic gait and the hollow look in his eyes and that wail...

"Whooooo rrrrrrgggggg Whoooooo awwwwww"

That wail...that lives inside...

Because even though there is temporary relief that wail is always behind any comfort that might be found...

International Blog Delurking Week

Okay Mel posted that this week is International Blog Delurking Week (Jan. 6th - 13th) and I thought: "How cool"...it is a chance to see those who quietly follow your blog.

Then Shannon also has a post this week urging lurkers to come out and say "Hi!" and I thought: "Still really cool!!"

Shannon posted about how people might come across her blog through a Google search on Bradley Cooper's abs because she posted about that 2 years ago...I remember that post!

I just find it funny because according to my stats people come across my blog by Googling: "universal pain assessment tool" because of this post "Making Eggs and Eggless in New Jersey!" and another Googled items that has people stumbling upon my blog is "legend of the dreambox" because of this post "My Dreambox".  You know what's funny...I even had someone email me asking if I distribute Dreamboxes to retail stores...HUH???

Now of course I am curious! So my lovely lurkers..."Come out, come out wherever you are!" and say "Hi!"

And of course, those that comment frequently please say "Hi!" too! You are my lifeline!

Lurkers and non-lurkers alike, tell me how you stumbled across my blog.

So, last night before I drifted off to sleep I was thinking about all the blog posts rolling around in my head that need to escape and what I was going to post about next and BAM!! The perfect post popped into my head.

I smile and thought: "Yes, that is what I will write about next."

And I drifted off to never-never land...

Well this morning...

I am sure you all know where this is going!

Well this morning...

Of course I am clueless!! I have no idea what I was thinking and can't remember!! But what I do remember is that is was a really good post!

How does that happen??

UGHHHHH!!!!

So lurkers and non-lurkers...does this happen to you? What gems have you lost while drifting off to slumber land?