Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I have a Blog and I am going to use it!

Let us not seek the Republican answer, or the Democratic one, but the right, fair, answer ~ JFK

This is what I can or cannot live with.

This is my space and my opinion. You may have a different opinion and politely comment to that fact but do not shit in my house!

I will delete or shut down comments if that happens.

20 reasons that made this middle of the roader take a left turn (and that's just this year!)...

What is NOT Acceptable:

1. Not granting all Americans, all Human Beings, the same rights as others
2. Destroying the Environment to Create Jobs
3. Using Religion to Dictate Legislation
4. Defunding Planned Parenthood
5. Privatizing Medicare
6. Privatizing Social Security
7. Abolishing Unions
8. Privatizing Education
9. Fracking
10. The Keystone Pipeline
11. Depleting our Oil Supply
12. Overturning Roe vs Wade
13. Reinstating Don't Ask Don't Tell
14. Overturning Stem Cell Research
15. Implementing Personhood Laws
16. Legitimate Rape
17. Creating Laws to stop another human being from providing a loving home to a child in need.
18. Not providing US citizen with some form of affordable Health Care (only in America can you get shot in a movie theatre and rack up 2 million dollars worth of doctor bills!)
19. Tax shelters- off shore or in tax cuts. Equal taxes for all!
20. I go back to #1. I would rather live in a tent and pay 90% in taxes before I cast a vote that takes away the rights of another!


Friday, August 24, 2012


I couldn't decide on a title for this post because I have so many different titles running around in my head. Each title representing the cacophony of emotions and thoughts that have been overtaking my mind and my heart.

cacophony  (noun) - an unpleasant combination of loud, often jarring, sounds *aka - the sound of my tears (screams and sobs)...

Strike 12 - Forever Whiffer!
Yes, I just completed my 12th cycle and I struck out again. BFN!

That is now  4 BFNs in a row.

Will I forever be that little girl in her own backyard fearful that the only thing I will ever be able to do is strike out?

3 + 12 = 0
On August 28th it will 3 years since I started TTC.

3 years and 12 cycles

4 IUIs

5 IVFs

3 FETs

2 pregnancies and 2 miscarriages

Equals ZERO!

Zero babies!

Definition of Insanity
Am I crazy? Could one actually try cycle #13 (or #14 or #15) and expect a different outcome?

Everyone but me
I have been completely left behind.  I am the last one from just about all my boards who hasn't had a baby or isn't pregnant which only solidifies my theory that everyone but me will become a mom.

All I have wanted is to become a mom and I know that I have my adoption and I pray every day it will come through so I can stop this obsession about getting pregnant.

Every since I miscarried all I want is to be pregnant. It's all I want.

And I won't stop until I am a mom. (Please God let me become a mom!)

Why can't it be me for once?

When is enough, enough?
How many times can I break til I shatter?

Completely speechless! I am so speechless that it has taken me two weeks to be able to create this incoherent post!

F-God's Plan!
If God's Plan is for me NOT to be a mother than I want nothing to do with him or his f-ing plan!

In a bad place
Yes, I am in a bad place. I can't see my way out and the pain is unbearable.

And I am pretty sure this bad place must be hell!


Sunday, August 12, 2012

Memory Lane

Ever since I started trying to conceive and Dr. Doom declared his devastating diagnosis of: "A practically zero percent chance of conceiving" I have been going down Memory Lane.

I have been going over every inch of my life with a fine tooth comb.

From the time I graduated high school and went to college all the up to the day I decide to go it alone.

Every step I made, every choice I've made I have put under a microscope.

And when you start to look at things that up end up not liking what you see.

Especially when you put it in relationship to where you are today. And where you are today is lost and alone and childless. Without your family.

Everything feels like a misstep.

What if I did this?

Or didn't do that?

Went here or there?

Stayed with him?

Or tried harder with him?

Or this, that or the other thing?


Second guessing.

I know the "shoulda, woulda, couldas" aren't something you can change so why go over them right?

And really for most of them I know why I chose what I did. I don't have regrets.

For most of them...

So this really isn't a "shoulda, woulda, couldas" thing but more of a "Where did I go off course?" thing.

And I analyze it.

And I know.

I know the moments that put me off course.

I know the mistakes I've made.

And I can look my mistakes in the eye and say: "You did this"

I did this.

I chose to pursue my dreams over settling down.

I chose to "be free" and wait until I was ready and waited too long.

I chose a lot things that at the time I thought was the right choice.

And I stand by those decisions.

No regrets right.


But as I walk down Memory Lane and as I dissect every choice... They all feel bad.

Because they ultimately lead me here.

That's what this journey has done to me. It has sent me down Memory Lane where I question every choice I have made. Where I start to feel like everything I have done in my life wasn't worth anything. Every choice, every turn, every step a mistake. One big giant mistake that has ultimately brought me to where I am now.

Memory Lane is filled with nothing but Land Mines.

Recently I went to a college reunion of sorts.

The old Theatre gang from my college all got together.

And it was...



And possibly reaffirming.

It was a different kind of trip down Memory Lane.

This time traveling down Memory Lane is refreshing, instead of Land Mines I'm reliving amazing friendships. Reconnecting with the friends that became my family so long ago and realizing how important they were and are in my life. Realizing what a huge part of my history they are. And I love them. Each and every one of them.

We laughed and hugged and reminisced.

Remembering a time when maybe my life wasn't one big giant mistake.

It filled me back up and put that missing smile back on my face if only for a moment. And in that moment it all felt right.

Memory Lane brought me back to all the friends that I have made over the years, the ones I've had all my life, the ones I made along the way, old friends, new friends, the friends I talk to everyday and the ones I only see at mini reunions.

All of them are on Memory Lane.

So, when going down Memory Lane and looking at the choices that I've made, if those choices brought all these amazing people into my life, then they all couldn't have been bad right?



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