Hope, faith, believing etc, etc, etc.
It's no secret that mine ability to sustain any has been dwindling.
It is so hard for me to find something to hold on to.
But I want too.
I do have moments.
And I try so hard to hold on to them.
I think of Samuel. And pray that it was truly God's way of letting me know that he's heard. God has heard.
And I think of Pastor Don and how much he believes.
But me...I'm dwindling...because I also think of all those moments that I did believe...truly, truly believed with all my heart and soul only to have the rug ripped out...well more like only to plummet to my spiritual death.
Those times unfortunately are numerous...
And well...I'm dwindling...or should I say pretty much tapped out.
"I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me" - Train
I know I have mentioned our two stray cats that hang out around the condo complex: Missy and Sematary.
Missy hangs out at the condo unit on the end. That's where Kasha, that lady that lives there and who I have friended over the years, feeds her.
Every night when I come home, I see Missy sitting there patiently waiting for Kasha to feed her.
Missy is pretty much her cat and Sematary, well Sematary has pretty much become my cat.
Sematary will walk around outside with his spastic gate, wailing the horrible cry and I'll open the window, call his name and throw a handful of dry food out. I am on the 2nd floor so it just scatters in the grass. But Sematary will come over look up at me with his yellow, glowing eyes and eat.
Recently Sematary has been "hanging out" below my window, not just zombie walking around. And at strange times. He doesn't really do that.
When I open the window, he looks up at me with those sad, yellow eyes but doesn't come over and eat.
He'd just stands there looking at me.
I thought it was odd.
And then one day I was talking with Kasha and she asked me "Have you seen Missy?"
I said "No but I've seen Sematary. Missy has to be around."
Kasha then tells me that the basement window that Missy and Sematary go in and out of (which just happens to be under my window) was boarded up by the maintenance men. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that I haven' t seen Missy.
We were certain Missy was boarded up inside.
And I was certain that's why Sematary was hanging out outside my window looking up at me with those sad, yellow eyes and wailing that hollow wail.
We tried prying the board off. No luck.
I was able to get a board off at an opening a little further down from where they usually go in and out. I figured Missy could find her way out now.
Every night when I came home I looked for Missy. Her spot under Kasha's window was painfully empty and everything felt wrong.
In the meantime I've been trying to get all the tests done (mostly annoying repeats of tests I have already taken...um...some 4 fucking years ago!) so I can embark once again on my "final" cycle.
If I can give up the ghost or should I say the TTC drug this will truly be my final cycle.
So, anyway in the meantime I have been preoccupied with tests, needles, meds, CD1, CD2, CD3 etc...all the things that make you break down and cry.
In the process I found out that my health insurance's policy on prescriptions has changed and in the giant world of total scam and how can we rip off the public, I now have to pay 50% of all my meds...Oh, yes 50%! I couldn't imagine if I needed certain meds to live...with the way drug companies gouge prices! WTF!! I would die! Talk about a death panel...
I will move on because I don't want this to turn into a rant.
The point being now Crinone (lousy progesterone cream!!) is WAY OUT OF MY PRICE RANGE!! They quoted me a co-pay of $1,000.
ONE THOUSAND FREAKING DOLLARS!!
They are out of their fucking minds!
And why, why is Crinone so stinking expensive! I can get progesterone in oil (PIO) dirt cheap. Yeah, sure you have to administer it with the world's largest needle but $30 verses $1000! Bring on the needles!
*On a side note...I am a pro at needles. I decided to count one OE IVF cycle and I gave myself over 200 hundred needles that cycle! 200 needles and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt! I think I deserve a prize...anyhoo...
I started looking at online sites to see if I could purchase someone's left over meds. I have done this before and it's worked out well...well except for one time and one douche bag who ripped me off. It was only for $40 but still, it made me leery.
I started dealing with a woman online who seemed lovely but in my skepticism I did require the transaction to be a little more secure on my end. She agreed. No problem.
She sent my Crinone with a tracking number and I paid her.
And as I waited for my Crinone, I also waited for Missy.
Why hasn't she come out?
Maybe she wasn't boarded in?
Kasha begged the maintenance man to open the exact basement window that Missy would go in and out of and they did.
Still no Missy and nothing felt right.
Missy has been sadly absent for just about two weeks, it was on the verge of night as I pulled into my condo parking lot and there underneath Kasha's window was an outline of a kitty...it was Missy.
I parked my car and ran to Kasha's side window. She had just turned off her lights for the night. I whispered loudly: "Kasha! Kasha! It's Missy! Missy is here!"
With tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat Kasha said: "Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh! Let me feed her!"
And I left as Kasha fed Missy.
Missy was thin and scared but she was back. And the next night when I pulled into the parking lot, seeing Missy sitting under Kasha's window...all I could think was...
Everything is right again.
I got to my front door and there sat my package of Crinone.
I went inside, opened the box, promptly put the medication in the refrigerator and then I noticed something in the bottom of the box.
There was a white lace satchel. I opened it up and inside was a bracelet with a charm that says:
Hope is Our Greatest Treasure
I immediately email the woman I bought the Crinone from and expressed my gratitude. I told her that the world needs more people like her. And it does.
And for one moment.
I felt some hope returning to me.
All seemed right.
Missy was back.
Sematary went back to walking around with his spastic gate, wailing that soul wrenching wail...
And I actually had a little bit of hope that my next cycle might work...
Well I say "had" because it's already fading...there's a whole screw up with my HSG that I will have to blog about...
But I do wear my bracelet every day.
A little reminder...
And Kasha...well Kasha thinks Sematary walks around wailing like that because he's horny!
Hmmm....that brings on a whole new meaning! And one I can unfortunately still relate too!