Friday, November 22, 2013

Walking the mile...

The moment you decide to move on, forward, away from or even towards something in your life you are placed on a long and sometimes painful path.

You must walk that mile.

And when that mile is leading you away for someone or something that you hold dear it makes that mile even longer.

I've walked this mile many times.

Sometimes by choice and sometimes crawling on my hands and knees not wanting to go another inch.  Wanting to turn around and run back to where I came from.

Not wanting to walk the mile.

The times I did walk away. The times that I moved on or away from a person, place or event in my life, those times, I can say wasn't easy.

Those times I was crawling. I didn't want to move on but couldn't stay.

So how come there are some times when you can run, others where you can walk and still others when you can barely crawl?

What gives you the ability to move at all?

Is it self preservation?

And why are there some instances when you hold on with all you have and other times you just let go?

Is it in direct relation to how desperately you want it?

I did 16 cycles. 16! And that is not including cycles that were cancelled. If I added in the cancelled cycles it would be more like 20. 20 cycles!

And I still can't let go.

I still can't walk away.


Long ago, when I decided I could no longer be the person who was dishonest and cheated, I decided to walk away from them both.  I ended my affair and I left my high school sweetheart.

Walking away from my high school sweetheart...I am pretty sure that was self preservation.

And when I walked away from Sio...I am 100% sure it was self preservation.

But the guy I cheated on my high school sweetheart with...what was it exactly that I was walking away from...I'm not sure...but the closest I can come to explaining it is...I was walking away from my old self and walking towards my new self.

I still had a long way to go but I needed a clean slate.

A clean slate...hmmm...

Is that what walking away does?

Is that what's at the end of the mile?

A clean slate?

So if I walk the mile...walk away from cycling...walk away from any chance of pregnancy and giving birth...will I be giving myself that clean slate?

The clean slate that I need to embrace what life has in store for me...

The clean slate that allows me to be okay...

Or will walking the mile lead me to the electric chair?


Monday, November 18, 2013

Know when to walk away?

I think there comes a time in person's life when you decide the kind of person that you want to be.

It's called growing up.

It may not happen overnight. It may take many attempts at changing and many hard life lessons but with each lesson you grow up just a little bit.

I remember years ago (many, many years ago) when I was with my high school sweetheart and I went off to college, I was so afraid of losing him. So afraid of not being with him. And even though we were two completely different people than when were together in high school, I still tried so desperately to hang on.

But I was growing. I was changing and in amongst all this change I made some very bad, hurtful decisions.

Instead of allowing us to change and move on in the direction in life we needed to, I tried to keep what we had and move on at the same time.  In trying to do this I ended up cheating on him. I had an affair.

I rationalized it. I tried to make it his fault.  He wasn't there. He wasn't growing up and changing with me. But no, I know now it was my fault. I was the one that made that decision.

But really some 20 odd years later who cares. Right? Who cares that I cheated on my high school sweetheart.

But you see here's the thing. During that time, some 20 years ago, I cared. That time when I was cheating on him, I felt so horrible. I felt like such an awful person that I vowed never to cheat again. I ended my affair and until this day I never cheated.

I decided that I didn't want to be that kind of person. I decided right then and there that I wanted to be a better person.

But in the process of all this the process of growing up...I hurt two people that didn't deserve it.

I am not saying that in that moment I was a grown up and that I was always going to make all the right choices.

I had many other moments where I was making bad decisions.

Inappropriate men, drugs, drinking too much and used to blame this behavior on my father because he left when I was little.

Oh yes...I had it all abandonment issues, daddy issues.

But that's not an excuse...

I made those choices.

I know this now.

It is solely on me.

Those were my choices and my decisions and I can't rationalize it and blame my father just like I can't blame my high school sweetheart for me cheating on him.

And when I came to these realizations, I had to fight to change who I was, fight to be the better person I wanted to be and become that person.

I grew up a little more.

There are struggles, many, I am not perfect but what happens when there are people in your life making bad decisions. People who you fundamentally disagree with their choices and their moral code. 

Do you wait for them to grown up? Do you turn a blind eye and look the other way? Excuse their behavior?

How do I do this when I know how hard I've worked to learn from my mistakes?

How hard I have worked to grow and change into the type of person I want to be?

Are they learning from their mistakes and growing? Or repeating the same bad behavior over and over.

And for how long do you wait for them to grow up?

Most people would say that you shouldn't have those people in your life.  That you should distance yourself and remove them from your life.

Walk away.

But really is it ever that easy?

Now, what if those people are your family or a close friend. Do you walk away? Should you walk away?

What if that person is someone you love? And their choices and their actions have directly hurt you?

Do you wait for them to grown up? Do you turn a blind eye and look the other way? Excuse their behavior? For how long?

How do you know when to walk away?

Because the one thing I realize, that after 4 years of battling Infertility, I have a hard time walking away...



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