The moment you decide to move on, forward, away from or even towards something in your life you are placed on a long and sometimes painful path.
You must walk that mile.
And when that mile is leading you away for someone or something that you hold dear it makes that mile even longer.
I've walked this mile many times.
Sometimes by choice and sometimes crawling on my hands and knees not wanting to go another inch. Wanting to turn around and run back to where I came from.
Not wanting to walk the mile.
The times I did walk away. The times that I moved on or away from a person, place or event in my life, those times, I can say this...it wasn't easy.
Those times I was crawling. I didn't want to move on but couldn't stay.
So how come there are some times when you can run, others where you can walk and still others when you can barely crawl?
What gives you the ability to move at all?
Is it self preservation?
And why are there some instances when you hold on with all you have and other times you just let go?
Is it in direct relation to how desperately you want it?
I did 16 cycles. 16! And that is not including cycles that were cancelled. If I added in the cancelled cycles it would be more like 20. 20 cycles!
And I still can't let go.
I still can't walk away.
Long ago, when I decided I could no longer be the person who was dishonest and cheated, I decided to walk away from them both. I ended my affair and I left my high school sweetheart.
Walking away from my high school sweetheart...I am pretty sure that was self preservation.
And when I walked away from Sio...I am 100% sure it was self preservation.
But the guy I cheated on my high school sweetheart with...what was it exactly that I was walking away from...I'm not sure...but the closest I can come to explaining it is...I was walking away from my old self and walking towards my new self.
I still had a long way to go but I needed a clean slate.
A clean slate...hmmm...
Is that what walking away does?
Is that what's at the end of the mile?
A clean slate?
So if I walk the mile...walk away from cycling...walk away from any chance of pregnancy and giving birth...will I be giving myself that clean slate?
The clean slate that I need to embrace what life has in store for me...
The clean slate that allows me to be okay...
Or will walking the mile lead me to the electric chair?