Friday, July 19, 2013

The Meaning of Hope Part II

On the day my grandmother passed I got a phone call from my sister.

It was the middle of the day and I was at work.

I looked down at my cell phone, saw who it was and then sent my sister right to voicemail.

I didn't think twice about it for the rest of the day.

About an hour before it was quitting time, I listened to the voicemail my sister left.

She told me that the nursing home called to let us know that my grandmother was passing and she probably didn't have long.  If someone wanted to come out and sit with her they should hurry.

My sister was calling me because I was the closest but I sent her to voicemail and went about my day.

It makes my heart sad to know that I could have gone to her.

I could have held her hand...if I had only picked up the phone. 

I wish I could have been by her side.

My grandmother was a funny, sassy, strong woman.

She was a woman who was more fond of children than adults.

Who couldn't cook to save her life!

My mother tells the funniest stories of her childhood and my grandmother's  non-culinary skills.

My grandmother would try to cook something in the pressure cooker only inevitably to have the fire department come and run the damn thing outside to the driveway!

There would be this pressure cooker in the middle of the driveway and a bunch of fireman standing far back.

And this happened more than once! Not a good cook.

When I was little I remember my grandmother scraping the burnt off the toast before giving it to us! She burnt everything! And the funny thing this day I LOVE the burnt edges of things!

My aunt can go on and on with hysterical grandma stories.  Like the time when my aunt and mom pulled up on motorcycles onto front lawn of my grandma's house. 

My grandma walks out and without even flinching, says: 

"Oh look my daughters are home!"

Even when my grandmother came down with Alzheimer's, she had moments of shear lucidity and she was funny.

There was the time when my aunt (who was married twice...and well...let's face it...multiple marriages seem to "run" in my family...well except for me, my one cousin and grandma!), well my aunt told my grandma that she was going out to church and my grandmother's response: 

"Oh lord, you're not getting married again are you?"

Funny! Sassy!!

And when she passed I felt a void. A void not only for myself because I missed my grandma but a void for my children who will never get to know her.

To honor my grandmother, at her funeral my sister order a beautiful collection of flowers including a grave blanket and a wreath.

The flowers were Irises. My grandmother's favorite flower and the wreath had a banner on it that said:

"Hope is always with us!"

But none of us ever got to see those beautiful flowers and that heartfelt wreath. The funeral home made a mistake and sent the flowers to another funeral.

And the mistake was crazy because my grandmother's name...well my grandmother's name is...


Now some could argue that the phrase: "Hope is always with us!" is generic but for us (me and my family) it's not.

Hope means more to us.

Hope is a strong, crazy, sassy lady who used to tell all of these imaginative stories that earned her the nickname:  "Tall Tale Hope".

And she's family.

She's my grandma.

Grandma Hope was always a very charitable woman.  She supported the church and volunteered in her community. We felt that her flowers going to someone else was her last act of charity. And I am sure they were beautiful.

If my child is a little girl I will name her Hope.

After my grandma.

And with all my doubts and fears. Through all my anger and hurt I will try to tap into all the strength that I inherited from my amazing grandmother and remember that:

"Hope is always with us!"


Monday, July 15, 2013

The Meaning of Hope Part I

In starting my final "final" attempt at getting pregnant, I am also going to a new clinic.

Well's a new/old clinic.

I actually went back to Dr. Period aka Dr. Bumbles.

Dr. Period is a doctor known for having success with women with high FSH and DOR. And a man who dictates when he talks. Yes, he literally ends each sentence saying out loud the punctuation.

"We are going to run some tests and do an ultrasound PERIOD."

"Once I review the results we will decide on your protocol PERIOD."


And freakin hysterical because the first time I talked with him I thought that when he said PERIOD he meant Leroy!! That he meant menstruation...Ha! And RE that says PERIOD!!

I went to him 2 years ago so I could be placed on the clinics donor embryo list. This clinic is also known for its donor embryo program and I wanted to have a back-up plan to my back up plan.

And it is with this back-up to my back-up I have decided try my final (and this time I mean final) attempt.

I have had so many failures since my miscarriage.  Five to be exact. Negative HTP after negative HTP and then the heartbreaking as a chemical pregnancy.  But I was always trying something different with each new cycle until I ran out of things to try...except for trying a new clinic.

So back to Dr. Period it is and my final "final" attempt with donor embryos.

 BUT here's the catch...

The doctor I am seeing there isn't Dr. Period.

Hmmm who could it be?

Wait for it....

It's  Dr. CORNY!!!  

Dr. Corny from my old, old clinic (crap how many clinics have I been to??) who was partners with Dr. Wow.  I was not a fan of Dr. Corny and his ever so chipper southern charm then:

"How y'all doing today? Yer just gonna put yer feet up in these stirrups right here." 


And now it seems like I can't get away from this guy.

But I am grateful for one more more more...just one more...

Gratefulness looks back. Hope looks forward with desire and reasonable confidence and expectation. By looking back, gratitude fuels forward-looking hope.

Dr. Corny is making me repeat a lot of tests I mean A LOT of tests...which is fine.

I would love for them to see my results say: "AHHH HAAA!!!! There's the problem!"  But they haven't found anything (so far) contributing to my failures.

In order to get all of these test done (and covered) I also did 2 IUIs. My insurance covers unlimited asinine is that! Healthcare insurance is just so mismanaged on so many levels! No I will not start a healthcare rant BUT I will tell you this...I will be doing an IUI at 50! Why? Because these morons will cover it that's why! 

Okay moving on...

So I did 2 IUIs in preparation for my upcoming donor embryo cycle.

I didn't expect them to work. I have a better chance of winning powerball but...

As with over-matched ball teams that are behind late in the game, hanging their heads without oomph, without hope for the future, there isn’t power for the present.

But there was this little spark inside of me. This spark that has been missing and somehow reignited.

I knew those IUIs wouldn't work but in my head I started imagining "what if".

And isn't that hope?

Of course they both failed.

But that's okay...I got something from them...a spark...some hope...

I was at my mother's hanging out right after the 2nd IUI failed and I said: "I knew that it wasn't going to work. I knew it but I still hoped that it would."

And my mom said: "Of course you did. Hope is why we keep on living. Without hope what's the point."


Without hope what's the point....

And I realized that even though I feel like I've lost all hope.

Even though I have been struggling with my beliefs...

I realized that I must have hope.

More hope than you could imagine!

I must have a shit load of hope because I keep on going.  

A shit load!

On a side note - I wonder where the expression "shit load" came from.  I can just see some trucker with a truck load of manure..."Hey buddy whatcha hauling?"...."A shit load!"

But I must have a shit load!

I keep trying!

Why else would I keep putting myself through this hell if I didn't have hope?

Persons who tend not to be grateful tend not to be hopeful.

And I am grateful! I am grateful that Dr. Corny is running all these tests. I am grateful for my Hail Mary IUIs and I am grateful that I have a back-up plan to my back-up plan.

And much as I hate to admit it...I am hopeful!

Cycle #16 here I come and I hope beyond hope that this is the one...otherwise what is the point?



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