Friday, October 29, 2010

All the signs pointed too…, Never text while crying, Hey Jealousy and A Date that was Due…

It has to be a sign:

Everything leading up to this cycle, everything about this cycle all pointed to success. Although I am struggling with the “Everything Happening for a Reason” and the “Meant to Be”, I truly believed that this cycle would be a success. I truly believed all the signs that pointed to success. With every sign: my baseline showing no cyst = sign, the fortune teller saying I will get pregnant once my left ovary starting working again and my left ovary finally producing eggs this cycle = sign, the fortune teller saying I would find out I am pregnant (3 months prior) on October 18th = sign, Leroy being 9 days late making me have to skip the August cycle and do the September cycle making my pregnancy test fall exactly on October 18th = sign, the Math FINALLY falling in my favor = sign, my mom coming with me to my ER = sign (really good sign in my book!) and so many other signs, all of it, I believed it more and more. I believed it was God trying to show me that this was going to happen and that I just need to trust in God and it would all work out. And I trusted. I trusted that God would not send me all of these signs only to let me fall. And I focused. I focused on a positive outcome knowing in my heart that this was it. And I let go. I let go of all negative thoughts. I wouldn’t let myself even for one second entertain the thought that this wasn’t going to work. And I believed. I 100% completely believed. I believed so strongly that I knew I was pregnant. I knew I was pregnant until about 5 days past my ET when all the signs in my body pointed to no. But I tried to ignore those signs b/c God gave my so many signs up until then so I made myself believe that this was just a test and I had to trust, focus, let go and believe even stronger than before. And I did and it turned out that I’m not pregnant. And now I am having a very hard time trusting, focusing, letting go and most of all believing.

Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not pregnant. I am very sad:

Yes, that is the text I sent out to some close girlfriends on Monday October 18th when I found out that I wasn’t pregnant. I cried when I typed it into my phone and I cried when I hit send. I cried for hours on end that day but one text in response to that text actually had me laughing!

“I am so sorry to hear that. I lost my phone last week and don’t have everyone’s number yet so, who is this?”

What? Huh? A return text from who? From TM? I thought I sent the text to TT…oh no…I thought I sent out the text to some of my girlfriends from work and instead of sending it to TT I sent it to TM who is a guy I used to work with about a year ago! I just sent this guy, a guy I hardly know, a text saying “I’m not pregnant”! I quickly tried to move past it by texting “Sorry I meant to send this to TT” His text back: “Who is this?” The jig is up…I respond: “It’s Michaela”. And now the text messages continue: “Hey sorry to hear that. I didn’t know you were trying to have a baby. At least you get to keep trying. That’s the fun part!” Yes, TM I do get to keep trying and NO it is not fun! But I didn’t want to text him that. This guy already (now!) knows more of my business than he needs to so, in trying to put an end to my embarrassing text moment and I text back “Thank you and I guess you didn’t really need to know any of this. LOL!” A little LOL thrown in there to lighten things up and we should be done…nope…his text back: “I guess not! I didn’t know you were romantically involved to the extent babies were involved. They shit and cry a lot anyway!” Why do people with children always have to say something negative about children or babies to people trying to have a baby? Is it an involuntary reflex?

Oh the text I wanted to send back. The one about my struggles and being single. The one that tells TM in no uncertain terms to cherish his little baby and every little poop he produces b/c not everyone gets that chance. But I didn’t. My text back was: “At least accidentally texting you made me laugh today”. And it did.

If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago I might not be alone:

I’ve been many things in my life. I’ve been jealous, jaded, shallow, bitter, petty and angry. Yes, I will admit that I have at one time or another been all those things but I have never been all those things all at once until now. And I can’t seem to help it or stop it.

A lot of the women on my Fertility Boards who’ve gotten pregnant after I did are having their babies. I am jealous.

When they announce their betas, if it is low I automatically think the worst. I am jaded.

They talk about names they’ve picked out, decorating their nurseries and their baby showers. I automatically negate their choices. I am shallow, bitter and petty.

I think about the time I’ve wasted over the years. I think that if I had only tried to have a baby years ago, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I think about my miscarriage. I think "That should be me!" I am angry!

I do not like this person I’ve become. I don’t like feeling or thinking this way.

My due date:

Maybe a failed IVF cycle right before my due date has exaggerated all these feelings and I am really not that bad of person? One can only hope. But Sunday October 31, 2010 was the day I should have had my baby. My Angel. On a day where everyone will be wearing a costume, pretending to be someone else, I too will be pretending. I will be pretending to move on. I will be pretending to move forward. I will wear a mask. A mask with a smile on it when in reality I am sad.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Last Stop!!! Lostville!!

This is actually a post I didn't want to make. I wanted to find some humorous way of expressing how I am truly feeling right now because I've always been one who tries to find the funny side of life...Instead I have to rely on my other side. The side that just tells it like it truthful side so, for those of you wondering where the Crazy Train left me off...well, it wasn't Disney! It feels like it stopped in the middle of a very long, dark tunnel and I am walking around trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. And it is not there. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am lost in the dark. I’m trying so hard to see but I have no idea where I am suppose to go and what I am supposed to do. You see, the Crazy Train, when it stops, even though your IVF cycle has ended unsuccessfully, you still feel lost, left off in the middle, you don’t feel like this is your final destination but you don’t know what direction you are supposed to go in either. The sadness is overwhelming and self pity becomes prevalent. I have never been one to wallow in self pity but when you are stumbling around in the dark unable to see you tend to get a case of the “Why me’s”. “Why is this happening to me?” Which then makes me wonder if I am paying off some karmic debt? You are lost in a maze of questions, worry, fear and self doubt and you just can’t see a way past it. A way past the sadness, a way past the pain. You can’t see the road you are meant to travel and you can’t see the future you so desperately want…you are stumbling around in Lostville.

And although I only found out yesterday that I’m not pregnant it feels so long ago. I find myself staring off into space, drifting and remembering my last cycle like was in another lifetime. I am mourning. And I know I need to pick up the pieces and move on but I don't know which direction I'm suppose to go in. I am trying so desperately to find the light. To find the ray of light to illuminate my way but I’m grappling in the dark, reaching out, straining to find that glimmer of hope. The problem is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when your eyes are full of tears.


Monday, October 11, 2010

An Autumn Harvest in the land of Dixie, Call Me on the Line, Time to Transfer and The Crazy Train:

I normally wouldn’t put in a disclaimer in for one of my posts. I do believe in “Read at Own Risk” and those that know me know that I am a “tell it like it is” kinda gal. Sugar coating is not my strong point and sparing no detail is. But I do realize that not everyone reading my blog really knows me and those that do know me might want to be spared certain details. So, for those of you who don’t wish to know exactly what happens when the doc gets up-close and personal. I would advise you to skip this post…

Sorry this is so long.

Please consult the acronym list for definitions of certain abbreviations.

If you come from the land of cotton…

The fertility clinic that I go to has two REs. There is Dr. A who I call Dr. Wow and then there is Dr. C who, let’s just say, I call him Dr. Corny. Now, Dr. Wow and Dr. Corny alternate the days they are in the office. So for my regular monitoring visits I am never sure if it will be Dr. Wow or Dr. Corny doing my ultrasound. If you can’t tell from my sweet, little nicknames, I don’t really care for Dr. Corny. I prefer Dr. Wow.

My last 3 monitoring visits, it was Dr. Corny. I was starting to miss Dr. Wow but I knew he would be doing my ER or so I thought …

On the day of my ER, my mother drove me. On the way I told her it would be Dr. Wow doing my surgery. I assumed it would be Dr. Wow. After all Dr. Wow was my doctor NOT Dr. Corny and Dr. Wow did my last ER. I explained to my mom how I preferred Dr. Wow and how Dr. Corny got on my nerves. And of course my mother asked what was wrong with Dr. Corny. I explained to her about certain “demeanors” that he has that drive me crazy…like how he has a southern accent…I’m not a fan…so when he comes in he says: “How ya’ll doing this morning?” and then gives me an off to the side, halfway handshake (I hate halfway handshakes) I’m already starting to cringe. And it’s not just a southern accent; it’s a perky southern accent. I don’t do perky. Especially before 9:00 am! He says things like “Alrighty then feet in the stirrups” and always pats both stirrups with his hands. Once you lie back and put your feet in the stirrups he’ll say “Now skootch on down” and then proceeds with “Alrighty then, you’re just gonna feel my hand first” and then he “adjusts” my cookie so he can insert the vaginal ultrasound. He’s even annoying when he does your ultrasound b/c he has to point out everything. I don’t know about the rest of you but when I look at the screen all I ever see is some gray fuzz, static and an occasional black dot. But Dr. Corny is always “Ohhh, there’s your bowel, ya see that. There’s your lining, ya see that and here’s your ovary, ya see that” and I want to say “NO! No I don’t see it” but I always say “Uh huh!”

To all my southern readers, southern friends and southern folk in general I mean this in no disrespect but I am a Jersey Girl (with an equally annoying accent) and there is only so much southern hospitality and southern charm I can take. Dr.Wow is more “down to business”. He walks in says hi, has you lie back, inserts ultrasound, looks at what he needs to look at and he’s done. Dr. Corny is like a some kinda of Dixieland Mary Poppins! It’s just too much perk for me!

Now of course my mom and I are laughing about this as we are heading to the doctor’s office for my surgery. Once we get to the office and I sign in, I see Dr. Corny walking around in scrubs. I am puzzled. I look at the receptionist and I say (in horror) “Is it Dr. C today?” and she says “Yes, why?” Now I can feel the tears starting to build. I choke them back. I reply “I thought it was going to be Dr. Wow” and she tells me Dr. Wow is away. My mom and I go to the waiting room and I start to cry. I know Dr. Corny is an excellent, capable doctor but I can’t seem to fight back the tears. And you have to remember that I am on a lot (I mean A LOT) of hormones! The nurse comes back to bring me to the prep room before my surgery and she sees I’m crying. I tell her I’m okay and then my mom has to tell her I’m upset b/c I want Dr. Wow…now I am trying to stop my mom from doing this. I don’t want everyone to know that’s why I’m upset…especially Dr. Corny…he’s about to do some very delicate work in the downtown area…I don’t need him thinking he brings me to tears! The nurse assures me everything will be okay. And of course it was.

Dr. Corny came in with his usual Dixieland Perk and introduced himself to my mom. Once he left of course we started laughing because he presented all the “demeanors” to my mom that I was telling her about. And I am whispering to my mom “You see! You see what I am talking about!” And my mom says “Well, he is a little upbeat!” and we started laughing again. I actually felt a lot better.

As I was lying completely naked and barely covered with my feet up in the stirrups waiting for the anesthesiologist to put me out, in walked Dr. Corny and said “How ya’ll feeling?” I said “Good” and he said “Alrighty then I’m just gonna put the speculum in” and all I remember was lying there, with the speculum hanging out of my cookie, thinking “Hurry up and put me to sleep” and I was out! Dr. Corny retrieved all 6 eggs.

I will say this as a side bar. I did wonder if people talked at all while under anesthesia so I asked the anesthesiologist, and he said “Yes but I never tell” so of course now I am fearful that I might have unconsciously called Dr. C by his nickname Dr. Corny while I was out so I said to the anesthesiologist “Did I talk while I was out?” he said “I will never tell” UGHHHH….when your doctor is that up-close and personal you don’t want to be calling them Corny!!

After your ER you go home and rest…pass out again is more like it. And all you can do is wait until the next morning when the doctor calls to give you your fertilization report. It always seems like forever before they call and they always seem to call at random times. It’s never an exact time or time frame. Dr. Corny called me at 10:30 am with my fertilization report. Out of my 6 eggs, 5 were mature and 4 fertilized…this report was much better than my last one…and now all you can do is wait until Day 3 after your ER (ER counting as Day 0) to see how your embryos (which I like to call my embabies) are growing and when your transfer will be. So I waited the whole next day and the following morning for my call…

Well the last time you called…

Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep the night before my transfer. I was up at 7:00 am pacing the floors waiting for my call. I knew they wouldn’t call that early but I couldn’t sleep. I had this overwhelming (but not completely unfounded) fear that none of embryos made it to Day 3. On my last cycle none of my embryos made it to a Day 5 transfer, this is the reason why we are doing a Day 3 transfer this time so the chances of my embabies not making it to Day 3 were very low but still the last time…9:00 am the phone rings…I answer…it’s Dr. Wow and all the sudden I was wishing it was Dr. C. The last time Dr. Wow called me it was really bad news…”How are you feeling?” he says. “Nervous” I said. “Oh don’t be” he said and then I said “Well the last time you called me…” and I started laughing. He reassured me and said that he would have the nurse call me to let me know what time I should come in for my ET. And then he said something that really made me pause…right before he hung up he said “And I will be doing your transfer so you don’t have to worry”…"so you don’t have to worry”…UGHHH…insert curse word here!!!! FFFFF, SSSSSSS, DAMN everyone in that office knows I cried when I was told Dr. C was doing my surgery. If they even told Dr. Wow who was away that day what are the chances Dr. C doesn’t know!!!! Now I really feel bad.

And the wait goes on…

I don’t think the doctors, nurses or receptionists realize how agonizing the wait is for the phone call…your stomach is in knots the whole time and you are on the edge of your seat…10:10 am the phone rings…the receptionist wants to know if I can be there at 11:00 am. I live 20 minutes away. I still need my prep time so I rushed to jump in the shower. There are certain things a gal must do to be “presentable” before a doctor’s downtown visit. And although Dr. Corny was in the vicinity on Monday, I still had to follow protocol and get my cookie ready for today’s visit. Now I cannot speak for everyone but I make sure my legs are shaved, my armpits are shaved (Why? I have no idea! That is the only area they don’t get to see!) and the carpet is groomed from front to back. Well, me personally, I have hard wood floors so they are shined from front to back. Cookie prep done and I was off to my ET.

Transfer Time…

I had no idea what to expect after all this was my first transfer. I was told to drink about 16 ounces of water before you got there. They want you to have a full bladder. I bought the largest bottle of water I could find and began drinking it on my way to the doctor’s office. Once I got there they bring you into the same room where you had your ER but this time you are awake for the whole procedure. Dr. Wow comes over and discusses how many embabies we should transfer. We decided on all 4. The embryologist gets the embabies prepared while Dr. Wow rinses your cervix. Now they want you’re bladder to be full for this procedure. They say it helps them see better on the ultrasound machine and I clearly thought mine was full but when they looked on the ultrasound they said it was not. But man did I feel like I had to go….oh no…I am a very regular person and on this morning with all the phone calls and waiting I did not take care of my morning business. There is a little fear I have when going to the downtown doctor and that is a fear of an accidental release…now with my transfer ready to start…a delicate procedure…I am fearing that accidental release and trying oh so very hard not to clinch at the same time…

The embryologist comes in with a picture of my 4 embabies. I am in awe. I am in love. I forget about the pressure, the procedure, the speculum and I lie there looking at their beautiful picture. Dr. Wow says to me “That’s baby’s first pictures.” I said “I will put it in my baby book.” Dr. Wow says: “First page” and I say “No, I took a picture of all the needles I had to give myself. That’s going to be the first page. So when my kid acts up I can pull out the book” and now we all start laughing, me, the nurse and Dr. Wow and with that laugh the downtown pressure seems to drop a little bit and my fear of an accidental release came back rushing back. In my mind I am thinking…don’t clinch, relax and for the love of God don’t fart! But 1 second later he was done! I let out a deep breath and I am glad that is all I let out!

All Aboard (ha ha ha ha ha ha!) yes you can cue up Ozzy!...

I’m going off the rails on a Crazy Train!

After your ET you enter into the 2ww and board the Crazy Train…

I knew I would be boarding the Crazy Train as soon as my ET was over but what I didn’t realize was how fast the stop to Looneyville came up. I figured I would reach Looneyville by day 3 or day 4 after my ET. I reached Looneyville in a record 30 minutes after my ET. Since my “morning business” was put on hold for my ET and now my bladder was finally filling up with all the water they had me drink, I felt that all was about to let loose. As I lay with my feet up waiting for the nurse to tell me it was time to go, I tried really hard to “hold” things in. You have to remember that there is another woman in the bed next to me, separated by a curtain, waiting to go in for her ET. And as much as I thought I could quietly let myself “release” some pressure, I also knew I was lying there without any bottoms on so I didn’t want to risk the acoustics boosting the noise level. So I uncomfortably continued to “hold” things in. Finally the nurse came in a said that I could get dressed. I rapidly asked if I could go to the bathroom. And before she even finished I was dressed and headed to the bathroom. I figured I would pee and maybe shoot off some warning shots of what’s to come and then go home to finish my business but no…my business had a mind of its own. It wanted sweet release right then and there. Now I know you are probably thinking “Okay, so what…you took a poop at the RE’s office” and on any other given day I wouldn’t think twice (or give 2 you know what’s!) about pooping in a doctor’s office. But once I started feeling the train (my poop) about to leave the station…the Crazy Train pulled up to Looneyville! I was afraid to poop. I was afraid to push. I was afraid I would push my embryos back out! I know it’s crazy! I know it’s silly but did I not just say I pulled up to Looneyville. So there I am in the bathroom, trying to poop without pushing! You might wonder if that is even possible. And although this was an experiment that I didn’t mean to partake in, the answer is no. No it is not possible to poop without pushing. It’s only a matter of the level of pushing. Pushing becomes involuntary. And now I was completely paranoid that I had “pushed” out more than poop. I was completely paranoid that I pushed out my embabies. I tried to reassure myself that it wasn’t possible to push out my embabies (and it’s not) but I had already boarded the Crazy Train and reached my 1st stop in Looneyville. I will have to say that over the rest of the day I had to curse my very regular, cleansing bowels two more times and rest assured my conclusion from my experiment in the bathroom in the doctor’s office still holds water…no you cannot poop without some level of pushing (*fast poopers not included in this experiment).

I am now 4 days past my transfer. I am still on the Crazy Training and so far it has pulled into Looneyville, it has pulled into the This Isn’t Going to Work Station and it has pulled into Over Analyze Central! I have 7 more days to go and I can only imagine the stops that the Crazy Train has in store for me! But I am on that train and there is no turning back. When the train stops I will either be in the Happiest Place on Earth or the Saddest. And I will have no choice. I will have to get off!


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Everything happens for a reason – What if the reason sucks!?

I used to think “Everything happens for a reason” I used to believe in “meant to be” but when you are trying to figure out how you ended up alone with the fear of never having children and you pour over your life with a fine tooth comb and still can’t find an acceptable reason the only conclusion you can come up with is “Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason or maybe the reason sucks!”

In the dissection of your life, you start to think about the good things that just didn’t work out and you say “Wow, I wonder what would have happened if I went to a different college, if I gotten that job, moved away, dated so n so, married so n so” etc and you can see some of the reasons you ended up where you are now: If I had gotten that job or moved, I would have never met V or MA and I wouldn’t BFFs, M2 and I would only be mere acquaintances. I wouldn’t be as close to my sisters or mother. I would be divorced and struggling. I wouldn’t have my condo, I wouldn’t have experienced going to school in Manhattan or a whole host of reasons and then you think “Well, maybe everything does happen for a reason”

Then you start to go over bad things that have happened in your life. Are there some things that you can put into perspective and possible see the reason you had to go through that experience? Yes, there are. I can almost see why I’m having children older. I can’t quite understand the single thing but I can see the reason for the older. I always said that I didn’t want to be one of those mothers who drank and smoked and felt their kids got in the way of going out. I didn’t want that. I wanted my party days to be well behind me when I became a mom and it took me longer than most. “You’re out of time” is the reason I cleaned everything up. And maybe I needed that wake up call. I can see that reason. I can live with that reason. But I still to this day can’t figure out the reason my father left me when I was little. Was that to prepare me to be a single mom? Because if that’s the reason then that reason really sucks! And my miscarriage…there will never be an acceptable reason…ever…

So, yes, there are times when you can see the reason but there are other times where there is no clear answer and without out that answer then there is no reason. Or maybe the reason is that unclear, very vague answer your mother would give you when she had no good reason: “Because. Just because”. What if the reason is “Because”!!

I usually get the old standby reasons: “It’s because are so strong” or “You are stronger than most” So, if I was weak I wouldn’t have to go through this heartache! What kinda reason is that? “God is testing you” Well, you know what….go test someone else! I’ve had my fill thank you! Why don’t you go pick on someone weak! On that one I’m just kidding. In that case I’d rather it be me…could that be the reason? Or there’s the ever so popular: “God only gives you what you can handle” So when is it enough? When have you reached all you can handle? When do you get to cry “Uncle”? I think the big guy’s missed the boat on this one b/c I’m at my limit!

To me the above are not reasons…and if they truly are the reason then the reason does suck!

How can you look a woman in the eye and say that there is a reason she can’t have children? There is a reason she has recurring miscarriages? There is a reason her hopes and dreams might not come true? But a) you might never find out that reason or b) the reason may suck! I really don’t think that I believe that “Everything happens for a reason”. If it was true then all of this is happening because of some vague, cryptic reason …I just don’t buy it! And if you never find out the reason then what’s the point!! Or if the reason is just “Because” then there is no point!

And as much as I don’t get it. As much as I don’t buy it. As much as the “Everything happens for a reason” excuse has flown out the window for me, I continue to ask God to show me the reason. Every day I ask him to please show me what I am supposed to do and what I’m supposed to learn. I ask him to please show me why I am at this place in my life, why I am at this scary, emotional place and I keep asking him what the reason is! I keep asking for a reason greater than Because!


Saturday, October 2, 2010

An Update and an Award!!

The last we saw our fair maiden, she was off to the supermarket to pick up some ice cream in an attempt to “cool things off” and we were left with the lingering question: Pervert or Mass Egg Producer? What did the ultrasound reveal? Hmmm, well…I think the jury is still out. The ultrasound showed 6 Eggs. Not bad for a woman of advanced maternal age (oh how I hate that phrase!) with a diminished ovarian reserve but not quite the number of eggs I was expecting given my “condition” and of course not quite the number I was hoping for after reading about other woman and their 10 plus (some 20) Eggtravaganza! So, I would imagine that there are 2 factors “heightening” the situation. One being the extra Eggs and the second being that I am a woman of “advanced sexual age” (much better term and one with a huge bonus woman have to look forward too as they say goodbye to their 30s). Mix those two together and bam...increased (extremely increased) “sensitivity”! The conclusion: I am a red hot, sexually charged, semi-perverted (I can live with that!) ravishing woman who’s trying to have a baby! And I’m feeling very fertile!

Next up: an Award!

S from Ticking Clock and Shannon from Chasing Rainbows nominated me this week for The Versatile Blogger Award! S I met through my new found blog world that I am now happily immersed in and Shannon and I met on the Fertile Thoughts Single Sisters in Fertility thread. S is starting her 2nd IUI (2 is a charm and my fingers are crossed for you!) and Shannon is now pregnant from her 4th IUI! Shannon I couldn’t be happier for you and I can’t wait to meet little Chiquita.

Thank you both for the nomination!

Now here are the rules to those who I award the Versatile Blogger Award to:

The Rules ~
•thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
•share seven things about yourself
•pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
•contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

Okay now here is the fun part!

7 Things about me…

1. I used to make pizzas for a living.
2. I sometimes look under my bed before I go to sleep. I have no idea what I would do if something or someone was actually under there. Crap myself is probably it!
3. When I eat a piece of lunchmeat, I always make it into a smiley face first.
4. I have double jointed toes (weird!).
5. I can sleep anywhere, at anytime, with any noise level.
6. When I take a shower, I make the water as hot as I can take it! I come out looking like a lobster.
7. I’m not afraid of growing old. It’s growing old alone that scares me.

And here are my nominations – I am new to this wonderful world of blogging and I know there are many, many wonderful blogs out there I have yet to discover. If you have one those amazing blogs I have yet to discover, send me a comment (or follow me!) and I will gladly give it a read and follow you. As I said I am fairly new to this wonderful world of blogging but so far I love what I have discovered and now I nominate:

Shannon at Chasing Rainbows
Charity at Charity's Journey to Single Motherhood
Hopeful at My (hopeful) Journey to Motherhood
S at Ticking Clock
Katie at from IF to when
The Baby Chaser at The Baby Chase Project
SIF at Single Infertile Female: Now What?
Erica at Parenthood for Me

Happy Blogging!



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