Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Public Service Announcement...

The Fashion Police... 

Now I am not one that screams fashion. I have had my disastrous moments. I mean seriously I was a teenager in the late 80s where fashion ran amok.

And I did wear my fair share of "skimpy" clothing back in the day before Infertility took "my pretty" and proceeded to layer on the extra pounds.

BUT and I might have to say BUTT...

Sunday I went to a pretty popular water park in NJ.

And it was full of BUTTS.

It was a sea of "Oh mys" and "What are you wearing" and "Holy...I didn't need to see that!"

So maybe a few "suggestions" might help.

The Speedo Law 

I have been saying for years that there should be a Speedo Law.

At first I thought maybe the law should go by measurements. You know if you have to be "at least this tall to ride this ride" then maybe something like: "You have to have these measurements" to be able to buy and wear a Speedo.

Or if I can't see your suit underneath your beer gut never mind having that moment of "Is he even wearing a suit?", then it's against the law for you to purchase or wear a Speedo. You must stick to board shorts...LONG board shorts.

But after the unfortunate sights that I encountered at the water park on Sunday let's just make the law this:

Unless you are competing in the Olympics in a swimming or diving event OR you are a male stripper (Magic Mike style) it is against the law for you to purchase a Speedo. Period! The End!

String Bikinis 

This is a safety and decency issue. If I have any male readers they might not agree with this one.

Now trust me if someone had said to me to cover up when I was strutting around in my itty bitty tinsy winsy bikini I would have gladly given them the bird BUT I learned my lesson the hard way.

There is beach attire AND there is water park attire. Trust me there is a difference and there SHOULD be difference.

Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff....

I had the misfortune of wearing beach attire to the water park once when I was around 17. I strutted my stuff in a purple string bikini all the way to the top of the water slide.

There were 3 entrances to 3 slides. I assumed slow, medium, and fast.

Well we all know what assuming does and as soon and I put my mat down and started down the slide I knew I made a crucial error and I was on the fast water slide.

Around the first turn I flipped over, smacked my face on the wall of the water slide, lost my mat and flailed all the way down.

I can't tell you how many times I flipped over and around. Between all the water spraying in my face and the blow I took to my nose I couldn't see a thing.

I finally flew out the bottom of the tube into the shallow water waiting below.

Like some kind of drunken sailor I tried to get me feet underneath me to stand up. When I finally did stand up, wiped the water out of my face, got my bearings, looked around, then I looked down to realize that I didn't have a top on and in looking back up I also realized that I had an audience.

Trying to cover my breasts with my hands (which in my case is rather easy since my cup doesn't runneth over) and looking for my top at the same time all the while the lifeguard and everyone (and boy do I mean everyone) waiting to get on the slide was watching me.

It was nowhere to be found.

I was trying to sink as low as I could in the shallow water of the pool when I saw my mat come racing down the slide.

I reached out for my mat with one hand while my other hand had the job of trying to cover both breasts. I then pick up the mat and wrapped it around me so I was covered and waited patiently for my top to come down the slide.

Once it finally did make its way down the slide, I had to try to put my top back on while still covering myself with the mat. I wasn't very successful and once again gave my audience a show.

There is beach attire AND there is water park attire. Don't confuse the two. Make sure that your water park attire has more than strings holding it on to your fab body! Go for a racer back style swimsuit.


Where is the love?

Ahhh love!

Young love, old love it's all around you.

And seeing a couple young or old, holding hands and looking at each other with those sweet, "mushy" eyes, expressing their love always puts a smile on one's face.

But seeing couples "go at it" in an overzealous public display of affection can turn anyone's appreciation of love into "get a room"!

Ahh love!

And when you are in the water park, in the public pool with lots of children around, that is NOT the place to be "expressing your love" by straddling each other and gyrating under the water.

Because I will tell you where the love shouldn't be and that is in a public pool!

Personally I don't want to have to swim past or walk by your underwater woody with my children or anyone else's children for that matter. I don't want have to stand next to your underwater woody either. There should be no underwater woodies at the water park!

If you are in the ocean, hey, the ocean is endless, I can escape being next to you and your underwater woody but in the tidal wave pool at the water park...with tons of children around...

Yikes! Please, take it down a notch (or two or three! Heck let's go for flacid!) and save the romantic swimming for a more private place or a more expansive place.

This concludes my water park public service announcement. I hope that I have spread the woody, I mean word!

Go forth, cover up and keep it down!


Sunday, July 15, 2012

My worst enemy...

When I was young, probably around the spirited (and by spirited I mean spiteful) teenage years, I remember saying things to mom like: I hate "so and so" I hope that  "something bad" happens to them.

And my mother would always say: "Wish them the best."

"Wish them the best?"


Then when I was a little older, in my carefree (and by carefree I mean crazy) twenties my BFF and I whenever we felt like wishing "harm" on someone, we would make fun of that famous statement that I guess all mothers make: "Wish them the best!"

Mockingly we would say:

"Wish them the best but hope for the worst!"

And really for the most part the "harm" we were wishing wasn't that bad, spiteful yes, hurtful not really...

You know things like:

"I hope she wakes up with a giant zit on her nose."

"I hope he goes bald like his dad."

"I hope she gains 20 lbs."

Or maybe even more spiteful "wishes" when it came to affairs of the heart that ended badly. Things like:

"I hope he gets an STD."

"I hope his thing falls off."

"I hope his brother sleeps with his wife on their wedding day."

You know things that were more like karma biting you in the ass.

And no matter what, as soon as that thought would pop into my mind: "I hope they get a flat tire." I would hear my mother's voice: "Wish them the best" followed by me and my BFF's voice taunting:  "but hope for the worst"

Really in hindsight the only reason you would "hope" for something bad to happen to someone is if you were hurt in some way. Wronged in some way. You didn't just go around wishing zits and STDs on everyone.  You didn't want the entire male population to be walking around dropping their members on the ground but you did in some way want karma to bite that person who "wronged" you in the ass.

And wasn't it to "teach" them what is was like to be hurt or wronged in same way. The person you were wishing this on needed to learn.  Or needed some compassion or needed to know what it was like to have what happened to you done to them. Even if it was just being made fun of over a zit.

But Infertility isn't a person you can wish an STD on.

With Infertility you are in pain all the time.

And most people lack compassion when it comes to Infertility.

They take their fertility for granted and can't understand.

They announce their "Oops I'm pregnant" and you wish...

"We weren't even trying" and you wish...

"What's the big deal you can just adopt. I would have no problem with that" says the women with 3 kids and you wish...

"I got it on my first try" and you wish...

And all you feel is wronged, hurt, robbed.

And sometimes I can't understand HOW they can't understand and I wish....

I wish...

I wish them the best and I hope...

I hope...

I hope they can understand someday without EVER having to experience the WORST.

I wish somehow they would know how this feels.

I wish they KNEW!

But I wouldn't wish THIS...

This pain...

This suffering...

This feeling of loss...

on my worst enemy.



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