Friday, February 22, 2013


In order to get my homestudy approved, one of the requirements is to get a physical.

Out of all the requirements, I mean really, in actuality how hard is that. No biggie right...

So around this time last year when I was working on my homestudy, I went and got a physical.

But I have to admit it really wasn't much of a physical. My doctor, Dr. General (my general practitioner at the time) gave me a very quick once over, didn't do any of the required blood work, scribbled on my form and handed it back to me. And in between scribbling on my form he was making comments and questioning me on my age, my income and asking me how expensive it is to adopt...Really???

I should have asked him how much his Mercedes cost but I was taken back by his comments, like he was putting me under the microscope.

I was feeling very scrutinized, very exposed...naked...

 And I was getting really annoyed. I mean really annoyed.  This was a doctor I have been going to since I was a teenager. This is the doctor that literally held my hand when he thought I had Leukemia, a doctor that knew about my miscarriages, the same doctor who when I went to him for clearance to do IVF a few years earlier of course said that old familiar phrase... "Why don't  you just adopt?"

and now...

Now he was throwing out these little digs, these judgments and it was inappropriate and annoying.  I was annoyed that he didn't take it seriously, that he was so callous about whether or not I should continue to pursue motherhood, that he didn't show enough respect to fill out my form,  my adoption form, a form that is so important to me, a form that is my world, that he didn't take 10 minutes out of his lousy day before he sped off in his Mercedes to fill it out properly.

Luckily when I sent in his chicken scratch to my social worker she accepted it and subsequently  after many other requirements were completed, I was homestudy approved.

But on that day, the day Dr. General decided to pass down judgment instead of doing his job,  I was feeling very vulnerable...very exposed... it was all the questions and concerns that I have already asked myself a hundred times but hearing them from left me naked...

The reality is that I knew I could never sit in front of Dr. General again without feeling naked...without feeling like he was looking at my most private parts and disapproving...

So, I switched doctors and now I go to his partner. Dr. Partner. I tell them in the office that I made a mistake on my insurance and claimed the wrong doctor as my primary and haven't bothered to change it.

But it's really because Dr. General saw me naked.

Or should I say forced my clothes off...

One would think with all of the personal information and private parts that I have exposed over the last 4 years of my life that I would be comfortable naked...

And in the physical sense I am.

I have no modesty when it comes to the RE, speculums and the downtown fun with Wanda.

Half the time I am taking off my pants before the nurse has even had a chance to leave the room.

The running joke is that I have to remember to keep my pants on when I go to the dentist.

So today, about one year later from my last physical since my adoption agency requires a new physical every year, I went in for another physical.

I made an appointment with Dr. Partner and when he comes into the room he starts going over my form one line at a time.

I had mentioned that Dr. General really didn't do any tests and Dr. Partner says to me: "If we are going to do this, we are going to do it right."

And he proceeded to do everything on the form. Taking care to fill out properly and even asking if this was my first adoption and congratulating me...I felt fully clothed...


Until  Dr. Partner said that although it was not required on my form, he always performs an EKG for his physicals and would like me to have one.

Okay! No biggie right!

So, the nurse comes in with a paper gown but it wasn't the pink paper gown that I'm used to.

No, it was white and short?? It's like a vest.

And then she says something to me that I am still trying to process...she says....

"Please get undress from the waist up. And put the vest on with the opening in the front."

And walks out of the room.

From the waist up???

I know there was a look of confusion on my face...I think it's still there....

I went to get undress but my body automatically started undressing from the waist down!

I have NEVER undressed from the waist up!

I must have stood there staring at the white paper vest wondering what to do with it for a couple of minutes.

All I wanted to do was kick my shoes off, pull down my pants and take off my undies...

But I had to stop...I had to think...and then I did it...I took off my shirt...took off my bra and put on the white paper vest.

And all the sudden I was naked!

My boobs were out!


My cookie can be out all the live long day but my boobs!!

I was aware...very aware!!

I was NAKED!! From the waist up NAKED!!

Once it was all over I was glad to cover up and all I kept thinking of  is if you really want to fuck with an Infertile....

Ask them to undress from the waist up and watch the expression on their face...

I am sure mine was priceless!!

**Okay in keeping with the rules of the Liebster Award here is my question to you: "When was a time you felt completely naked?" Please answer in the comments!


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

An Award and a Free Pass

Julia over at Finding a Way Out nominated me for a Liebster.

Thank you Julia!! Thank you so much!

Here are the rules:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers…the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.
If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow…
1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves
2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked
3)Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate
4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post
5)Bloggers must be notified of their award!
6) No tag backs!

Even though I am late in acknowledging and thanking Julia, I decided to play along!

I could really use a distraction right now!

11 Things about myself:

1. I have double jointed's really freaky, I can click them back and forth and it pretty much creeps everyone out that I show them to... including my cats.
2.  I love the funny man! I was never the type of girl to crush on Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper...though they are both very type of Hollywood crushes...Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Mathew Perry, Paul Rudd
3. I cry over road kill...and if it was me that accidently hit them I am upset for a very long time...
4. My vacuum cleaner is older than I am and still works! That thing will suck the curtain right off the rod if I accidentally vacuum it up!
5. I didn't start feeling older until this year. I actually said to my friend V..."Well now that I am finally getting older..." Finally! Ha!! Oh well I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.
6. I am a lazy perfectionist.
7. I am very passionate...sometimes to a fault, which causes me to get up on my soapbox...not always a good thing...
8. Most of the time I am kidding around.
9. I have no problem being alone. I would just prefer not to be.
10. I am overly sensitive (as seen in #3). I take things to heart and get very saddened by those things I take to heart.
11. I crack myself up! Yes, I laugh at my own jokes...but in my defense they are usually pretty funny.

Now here are my answers to Julia's questions:

1.  What has been the most memorable thing you have blogged about? Moving forward with my adoption plans and being homestudy approved.
2 . Do you share your blog with people you know in real life? Funny, I am actually working on a post about this! I was so naive when I started blogging...had no idea about anonymity. I wanted to be an open book.  So yes, I share this with people in my real life.  But now I am learning there are days I want to be a closed book...or at least an incognito book!
3.  Do you remember your dreams? If so, what was the last one you remember having? I do remember some of my dreams. The last one was about Samuel.
4.   What is your favourite meal that you make at home? Oh...hmmm...Right now I am addicted to whole wheat pasta with a ground turkey meat sauce and stewed tomatoes. 
5.  If money was no object, where would you travel to next? I have a bucket list! To name a the US - the Grand Canyon,  California, Alaska, Maine (among others)...Overseas - Greece, Italy, Australia, Africa (among others).
6.  What is your best childhood memory? Flying in a glider.
7.  Do you/How did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?  I still don't! Well, that's not really true...I think I finally figured it out! So now is when I knew!
8.  Favourite hot beverage? Coffee. I love coffee. The smell, the taste etc. Throw some Bailey's in there and YUM!!
9.  Favourite cold beverage? Manhattan! But on the non alcoholic side as drab as this sounds, I love drinking plain Seltzer!
10. Best gift that was ever given to you? A cartouche from Egypt with my name on it.
11.  What do you like most about blogging? Being able to get out what I am feeling. Being able to look at, put words to it and hopefully by sharing it, I can in some small way help.

Okay now as far as the other rules of the award go...I don't want to get in trouble but I find that many of the people I read have received this award and so instead of nominating directly the recipients I would choose, I have decided that I choose all of followers...those that read here...

I would LOVE to hear 11 things about you.  Or 3 things or 5 things. Whatever comes to mind that you want to share.

Or answer one of Julia's questions. I actually really enjoyed answering her questions.  Again whatever you feel like sharing please leave the responses in the Comments.

We will make this a dialogue!

I am going to put my 11 questions at the end of upcoming posts and ask all of you to respond.

And now here is my Free Pass.

I am finding that the past is holding me back. I am holding on to mistakes and bad choices, wrongdoings by others and being unforgiving.

I am working on letting go...I am working on my freedom...

Close the door on old, painful memories. Close the door on old hurts, old self-righteous unforgiveness. You might take an incident in the past where there was pain and hurt–something that is hard for you to forgive or look at. Ask yourself: "How long do I want to hold onto this? How long do I want to suffer because of something that happened in the past?" Now see a stream in front of you and take this old experience, this hurt, this pain, and put the whole incident in the stream and see it begin to dissolve and drift away until it disappears. You have the ability to let go. You are free.  ~ Louise Hay

I hope in some small way this will help others to be free too!



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