The Fashion Police...
Now I am not one that screams fashion. I have had my disastrous moments. I mean seriously I was a teenager in the late 80s where fashion ran amok.
And I did wear my fair share of "skimpy" clothing back in the day before Infertility took "my pretty" and proceeded to layer on the extra pounds.
BUT and I might have to say BUTT...
Sunday I went to a pretty popular water park in NJ.
And it was full of BUTTS.
It was a sea of "Oh mys" and "What are you wearing" and "Holy...I didn't need to see that!"
So maybe a few "suggestions" might help.
The Speedo Law
I have been saying for years that there should be a Speedo Law.
At first I thought maybe the law should go by measurements. You know if you have to be "at least this tall to ride this ride" then maybe something like: "You have to have these measurements" to be able to buy and wear a Speedo.
Or if I can't see your suit underneath your beer gut never mind having that moment of "Is he even wearing a suit?", then it's against the law for you to purchase or wear a Speedo. You must stick to board shorts...LONG board shorts.
But after the unfortunate sights that I encountered at the water park on Sunday let's just make the law this:
Unless you are competing in the Olympics in a swimming or diving event OR you are a male stripper (Magic Mike style) it is against the law for you to purchase a Speedo. Period! The End!
This is a safety and decency issue. If I have any male readers they might not agree with this one.
Now trust me if someone had said to me to cover up when I was strutting around in my itty bitty tinsy winsy bikini I would have gladly given them the bird BUT I learned my lesson the hard way.
There is beach attire AND there is water park attire. Trust me there is a difference and there SHOULD be difference.
Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff....
I had the misfortune of wearing beach attire to the water park once when I was around 17. I strutted my stuff in a purple string bikini all the way to the top of the water slide.
There were 3 entrances to 3 slides. I assumed slow, medium, and fast.
Well we all know what assuming does and as soon and I put my mat down and started down the slide I knew I made a crucial error and I was on the fast water slide.
Around the first turn I flipped over, smacked my face on the wall of the water slide, lost my mat and flailed all the way down.
I can't tell you how many times I flipped over and around. Between all the water spraying in my face and the blow I took to my nose I couldn't see a thing.
I finally flew out the bottom of the tube into the shallow water waiting below.
Like some kind of drunken sailor I tried to get me feet underneath me to stand up. When I finally did stand up, wiped the water out of my face, got my bearings, looked around, then I looked down to realize that I didn't have a top on and in looking back up I also realized that I had an audience.
Trying to cover my breasts with my hands (which in my case is rather easy since my cup doesn't runneth over) and looking for my top at the same time all the while the lifeguard and everyone (and boy do I mean everyone) waiting to get on the slide was watching me.
It was nowhere to be found.
I was trying to sink as low as I could in the shallow water of the pool when I saw my mat come racing down the slide.
I reached out for my mat with one hand while my other hand had the job of trying to cover both breasts. I then pick up the mat and wrapped it around me so I was covered and waited patiently for my top to come down the slide.
Once it finally did make its way down the slide, I had to try to put my top back on while still covering myself with the mat. I wasn't very successful and once again gave my audience a show.
There is beach attire AND there is water park attire. Don't confuse the two. Make sure that your water park attire has more than strings holding it on to your fab body! Go for a racer back style swimsuit.
Where is the love?
Young love, old love it's all around you.
And seeing a couple young or old, holding hands and looking at each other with those sweet, "mushy" eyes, expressing their love always puts a smile on one's face.
But seeing couples "go at it" in an overzealous public display of affection can turn anyone's appreciation of love into "get a room"!
And when you are in the water park, in the public pool with lots of children around, that is NOT the place to be "expressing your love" by straddling each other and gyrating under the water.
Because I will tell you where the love shouldn't be and that is in a public pool!
Personally I don't want to have to swim past or walk by your underwater woody with my children or anyone else's children for that matter. I don't want have to stand next to your underwater woody either. There should be no underwater woodies at the water park!
If you are in the ocean, hey, the ocean is endless, I can escape being next to you and your underwater woody but in the tidal wave pool at the water park...with tons of children around...
Yikes! Please, take it down a notch (or two or three! Heck let's go for flacid!) and save the romantic swimming for a more private place or a more expansive place.
This concludes my water park public service announcement. I hope that I have spread the woody, I mean word!
Go forth, cover up and keep it down!