Some socially, some emotionally, some physically...
I've said that I would never have children if I was single...HA!!
I've said that I would never seek treatment to have a child...double HA!!!
I have said that...gulp...gasp...I would never go a week...NEVERMIND a month without posting on my blog! I'm in the 3rd month! WTF! How in the world did that happen? I swear in my head I wrote dozens of posts! But I guess I NEVER put them on paper! I really do need to get them out of my head...soon...I hope!
And of course let's not forget the "nevers" we said about parenting...
Never feed her french fries...hmmm she might have had one or two...
Never let her sleep in my bed...okay a cuddle night every now and then NEVER hurt anyone...
Never let her play video games...but it's only educational games...
I would NEVER put my child in front of the tv before she was 2!
Yeah well...Ladybug is watching her A,B,C video as I type this...
Lots and lots of nevers...but really where's the harm right...
Well there is one never that I recently did that I need to make sure that it really is a NEVER!
That I NEVER do it again!
Life before Ladybug, I can hardly recall but what I do recall is the pain of not knowing if I would EVER be a mom.
And the pain of how one by one everyone around me had their dreams come true and I just kept moving further and further away from mine.
As the photos of pregnant bellies and babies flooded every possible visual outlet I became increasingly defiant swearing that I would NEVER be so callous, so crude, so insensitive as to throw my victory into the face of those still struggling. That I wouldn't run around showing pictures and telling stories of "what my kid did today". Never would I make anyone else feel the pain I felt when I had to look at a baby picture and think....it's never going to be me...
Well...it really isn't that way...I know that now, the victors weren't doing that at all...but in reality, it doesn't matter. In my pain I would have never saw it for what it really is...
What it really is...is such an unbelievable, overwhelming feeling of gratitude, love and disbelief. It is a dream-like state where you feel if you don't show the world that the world might take it away...or even worse that it really didn't happen.
You run around with the Cheshire cat grin that no one can wipe off your face and you have to show everyone why!
I have over 1,500 photos and videos on my phone now that EVERYONE must see. Everyone MUST see how beautiful, funny, sweet, incredible my daughter is...she's there...she's real...and I NEVER thought I could ever be so incredible happy...I NEVER thought life held such exquisite contentment!
I NEVER thought it was going to be as amazing as it is and now I just want everyone to feel this sweet release of pain and fear...
There is a woman in my class. We have actually sat in class together for a few semesters and this semester we started talking.
She's one of us...an Infertile...oh the pain! Her and her husband tried for years to have a baby and couldn't. Her husband doesn't want to pursue donor eggs or embryos or even adoption. He feels that if it was meant to happen, it will happen. She says they have decided to let it be what it's going to be and travel.
It blows my mind! I would NEVER let a man keep me from my dream of being a mother! (and obviously I didn't).
But I am coming from my realities. I don't have the best marriage role models in my family (or with friends for that matter). Most end in divorce and all I keep thinking is "Yeah in 5 years when you are divorced then what!!"
But what if her marriage is built to last...do you throw that away? I don't know...I've never had that...
Either way it's her decision and I'm pretty sure...no wait...I am sure...I actually know...it's a painful decision...
Every day she is in pain...it might have resolved itself to a quiet pain but it's a pain that never leaves nonetheless.
And here I am in class showing her pictures and videos of Ladybug...
I never want to be the constant reminder to her...
I never want to be the reason her quiet pain becomes loud again.
So for now I have to make sure that I never do that again. I keep my phone in its case and NEVER be her reminder.
And I'll keep praying that her husband is right (hmmm...this is where you throw in the line that men are NEVER right! Ha! Joking...kinda!) and that if it's meant to happen it will...
Because hey...I'm living proof that you NEVER know!
