Saturday, November 12, 2011

Jinxed? Fate? Cursed? Bad Luck? Karma?


I think the feeling that you could jinx a cycle is a direct result of PTIVF disorder.

“If I talk about my cycle I will jinx it!”

“If I get excited about good results I will jinx it!”

“If I blog or post about my cycle I will jinx it!”

There have been too many times in the past where everything looked like it was going to be so perfect and then you talked about it, got excited, told the world and the BOOM you “jinxed” it. And it would all go bad. Devastatingly bad.

So, believe me, after all my setbacks and then finally being able to cycle again I did everything I could think of not to jinx this last cycle.

I told very few people about my cycle. As a matter of fact one person had full disclosure and another was on a need to know basis.

I didn’t even tell my family. I just knew if I did that I would jinx it. If any of you are reading this, it was not done to hurt your feelings. It was done to protect mine.

Even my girls on Fertile Thoughts were pretty much kept out of the loop.

If I told people, if I chronicled its progress I just knew I would jinx it.

That’s why I didn’t blog about it.

I’ve spent the last 4 months blogging about past loves and how they might have led me to where I am now. And I almost wanted to continue on that path, blogging about the past so I wouldn’t have to face the future.

It was a nice distraction.

It made me feel like I wasn’t going to jinx this cycle.

I actually snuck away so I could go alone to my transfer. I didn’t want anyone “jinxing” it.

And finally, finally, I felt like I could have a successful cycle.

We transferred two perfect blasts and I have 3 frozen blasts.

My baby had to be in that batch somewhere. Right?

There was no way I could jinx this now…

But ahhh, even just thinking that could probably jinx it….

Fate? Cursed?

I really don’t know if I believe in fate.

I certainly have a more bitter outlook on it than others.

I am not one who actually believes everything happens for a reason.

I think that it is random events that happen.

Some amazingly good and some devastatingly bad.

And people use the “everything happens for a reason” to try to tie together some connection to help ease the pain of the devastating events.

Because if it was really meant to be, it could have happened and would have happened regardless. It doesn’t need the bad events preceding it.

I do think it is nice that people grab these ribbons and bows and tie together this pretty picture that makes all the bad seem necessary.

They make this pretty, little package.

But I think it’s harder for those of us that don’t have any of good that supposedly comes out of the bad.

It’s harder for those of us when it’s just one endless stream of bad luck and without that good at the end, how do you tie together the connections? Where are our ribbons and bows? How do you make that pretty, little package?

What could possibly be the reason?

You have bad luck?

You’re cursed?

Or maybe it’s your fate to be doomed?

Could there finally be something good that could make even a naysayer like myself believe…

Believe in Fate?

After my 1st failed IVF cycle over a year ago, I went to an Arabian Nights party at my friend V’s house.

At the party there was a fortune teller. This fortune teller told me that I would find out that I am pregnant on October 18th and it would be a boy.

Remember this was not this summer that just passed but the summer before.

I knew that what the fortune teller had told me couldn’t work out because I was cycling in August.

And let’s face it, when you are single the chances of a natural miracle are severely diminished.

But due to circumstances beyond my control my 2nd IVF cycle got pushed back and the day of my beta, the day I would find out if it worked or not, the day I would find out if I was pregnant fell exactly on October 18th.

I thought it was destiny. I thought it was fate. But on October 18th of last year instead of finding out I was pregnant; I found out that my 2nd IVF cycle had failed. I was not pregnant.

But I was so sure. How could this happen? Did I jinx it?

Flash forward to this year and this summer...

Could the fates be off a year?

I was supposed to cycle in June.

It got cancelled.

I was supposed to cycle in July.

It got cancelled.

I finally started my cycle in September and I was damned if I was going to jinx it this time.

I quietly went for my transfer on October 13th.

The looming date of October 18th was not unnoticed by me but really, it would only be 5 days after my transfer.

Surely if I tested that early I would jinx it.

But unable to stop myself from testing fate, I woke up at 5am and took a pregnancy test.

There was a faint line.

The next day that line was darker and then next day even darker.

I was supposed to go in for my beta on Monday. I requested my RE let me go in on Friday so I wouldn’t have to wait the weekend.

My beta was 86! 2 days early!

It had to be fate.

The fortune teller was right. I did find out I was pregnant on October 18th. Just one year later.

Could I start getting out the ribbons and the bows to make my pretty package?

To explain away all the bad because now finally, finally I was going to be a mom?

Wrapping it all up and finally finding out the reason?

Or did I just jinx it by testing early…

Cursed? Bad Luck? Karma?

My tests came back good and I was waiting for my 1st ultrasound.

I was still hesitant of telling people. I was going to wait until after my 1st ultrasound to then shout it from the roof tops.

I actually couldn’t wait!

But I was being careful. I was cautious. I didn’t want to jinx this pregnancy.

And in all honestly I didn’t really think that I could. My numbers were strong.

And then I did the one thing that was sure to jinx it.

Two days before my 1st ultrasound, I bought something for the nursery…

On the day of my ultrasound, less than 1 week ago, I was told that the baby isn’t growing and I would probably miscarry again.

I am shocked. I am sad. I am angry.

How could this be happening to me again?

Is this my fate?

Am I cursed?

Is this bad luck?

Or is this karma?

But I kept holding out hope.

You’ve heard the stories. Women who have been told they are going to miscarry only to go in for another ultrasound and there’s a perfect baby with a perfect heartbeat.

I had more bloodwork done. My numbers came back good again.

I woke up this morning feeling some cramps and I thought: “Maybe…maybe that’s my baby growing. Maybe that’s my uterus stretching like it should.”

“Maybe this is a good sign”

Maybe this…

And that’s when I felt it. Something wet running down the side of my leg.


It is blood.

Today I’ve started my 2nd miscarriage.

I am no longer pregnant. I am no longer going to be a mom.

Did I jinx it?

Is it fate?

Am I cursed?

Is it bad luck?

Or is it karma?

Because right now I feel like everything I have done in my life. Good or bad. Every decision I have every made. Good or bad. Has brought me to a place where babies don’t grow inside of me.

And I don’t think there’s a bow big enough to tie this one together…



  1. Shit. I'm so, so sorry Micheala. For what its worth, I firmly beleive whatever you said or did had absolutely nothing to do with this.

    Biologically, one can come up with reasons to explain why a pregnancy ended. As a scientist, all I can say is, save the fetal tissue so you have some idea whether this is a genetic issue or otherwise. Statistically speaking, the majority of 1st trimester losses are because of genetic issues. And you definately did nothing to jinx it. My 2nd pregnancy had two textbook perfect ultrasounds, but that baby was doomed from the second the sperm fertilized the egg (or even before), because either my egg or the sperm that fertilized it came with an entire chromosome missing. From that point on, the die was cast, and one day, the heartbeat just stopped. I could have done nothing to jinx my pregnancy or save it.

    Although biology can sometimes provide answers as to why these things happen, philosophically, it is so hard. Please, take care of yourself and be kind to to yourself. Thinking of you.

  2. I'm so very sorry, Michaela. I wish I had answers or something of comfort to offer you. My thoughts are with you.

  3. Oh Michaela, I'm so sorry to hear of your heartache and loss. No words can bring comfort at a time like this, but know you have tons of people there for you that care and are thinking of/praying for you right now.

  4. Michaela, I am so sorry.. this is just not fair. I am thinking of you and want you to be a mom.. there is a baby waiting for you. Hugs.

  5. Oh my goodness Michaela. I am so incredibly sorry. I have no words that can take away this hurt. Please know that I am mourning your loss and sending you as much love a humanly possible.

  6. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I know it's not much of a relief but you are in my thoughts. And you're right we try to tie things together because in an attempt to give it meaning. You were in no way responsible for this.

  7. Michaela, I'm so sorry for you loss. This just isn't fair. You don't deserve to go through this again. I am thinking of your and hoping that time brings some measure of healing so that the pain you are feeling lessens.

  8. Oh Sweetie. I'm so sorry. I was so hopeful reading your post. I'm so very sorry. My heart is broken for you.

  9. Michaela, I have been thinking of you. And I totally get the jinx thinking - same reason I have never did a mushy OA post and still think as soon as I do, it will all go to Sh!t. The only thing $h!tty though is our luck. Not your fault. Nothing you could control. Nothing you can predict. Definitely not fair and just the intersection of $h!t Street and Bu!!$h!t Blvd. Yup, I'm your neighbor. But, we are tough, can call a spade a spade and keep moving. If anything, at least we have profanity... and cherry wine. Hang in there!

  10. I am so sorry, Michaela. When I started to read this - my hopes for you just soared. And when I read the end of your post, my heart just fell. I'm angry for you - it just isn't fair. I hope you are wrapped up in a warm blanket, surrounded by people and things you love.

  11. Tears in my eyes for you and all of use who struggle. I know you're hurting and I wish there was something I could do. Take care of yourself.

  12. I am so sorry you hAd to go through this alone Michaela. And sometimes I think jinx'ing is possible, but really it's another way to try to explain bad luck (or destiny) because Only God knows why it hasn't worked yet. I just know its so not fair and I wish it didn't have to be so hard, so painful and so lonely. I wish I had a pretty bow to tie it all for you and hand to you on a silver platter. Hugs xoxoxoxox

  13. I am just so very very sorry, Michaela

  14. Wrapping it up in a ribbon- you nailed it. One day when we've finally got our babies in our arms, we'll be able to finally put a ribbon on this painful voyage, but until then I really don't think we have any control. I have felt the same way about jinxing it, but I know realistically we don't have that much control over the situation. It's just bad luck, I think. So sorry for you.

  15. i'm so very sorry to hear of your sad news.

    i do this same thing, this terrible fear of jinxing things.

    but you have to find a way to let go of this fear. or at least, to try. because when you believe, like i did, that you will jinx the good things that happen to you... there is NEVER a good time to let go and relax and enjoy the good things that life brings you (me).

    i was terrified during my pregnancy that because i was thrilled, and shared it, that it would be my "fault" when i lost the pregnancy. but i couldn't live that way! and you can't either. because i was so scared to enjoy my pregnancy.

    finally i worked on letting it go.

    This. Miscarriage. Is. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

    I promise.

    You didn't do this to yourself.

  16. Michaela, I'm so sorry. I have said that "things happen for a reason" just to console myself. It's cruel to think it and say it. Because "happening for a reason" doesn't take the pain away. I feel for you. You deserve so much better than the cruelty that life has thrown your way. So many hugs to you.

  17. Michaela, I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know the pain of miscarriage, but I know grief. And it hurts so much. You are in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie.

  18. Michaela, I am SO SO sorry! It just sucks! No, you did nothing wrong. You did not jinx the pregnancy. Like you, I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. Instead in life some horribly painful things happen to us. I am just so sorry this happened to you. It sucks!

  19. I am so sorry Michaela. You are not jinxed or cursed my friend. Just one tough lady who has had more than her share of shit to endure. I KNOW you will be a mommy some day and a damn good one.Hugs.

  20. Oh Michaels. I'm so sorry. So sorry, and so incredibly angry for you. I'm just reading this and catching up now, but still... my heart is breaking for you. I wish there was more I could do or say, but... you are definitely in my thoughts.

  21. Yes, curses can be real and difficult sometimes to detect since they manifest out through our own personality/ego causing us to act in unbecoming ways, be self-destructive, self-sabotaging, make poor decisions, experience lack and poor health which lead us to a string of failed relationships and jobs.i use to act this because a curse was placed on my and a friend of mine at the office introduced me to a spell caster who helped me with the removal of the curse and i was totally free. The email to contact again is



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