Unless of course you just had a miscarriage.
Then it doesn't matter what time of the year it is. Nothing matters.
Actually it darkens the whole holiday season. It is now shrouded.
And you, your life, your daily routines never mind the feasts and celebrations...every moment feels like you are walking through quicksand.
The days fly by at such an alarmingly slow pace but they will be here and gone before you know it.
Even in your daze, in your daily clouded haze, time keeps moving but you feel stuck in time.
Because you are in the same exact place you were a year ago while everyone else has moved on.
It feels like some kind of dream you are suppose to wake up from but you never do.
And then out of the haze comes that feeling. When everything starts to hurt and it's becoming hard to breathe.
When that moment comes, the one that is always just under the surface. That moment that wakes you from your daze, you know you must find a quite place by yourself. You must lay down because at any moment the tears will start to flow, uncontrollably. They consume your whole body and no one is supposed to see that.
They are only supposed to see your strength and how well you are handling everything.
And how thankful you are.
And hey: "You look good!".
But what they don't see is when you excuse yourself from the Thanksgiving dinner table, make your way to the bedroom just in time. Shut the door, fall onto the bed into a fetal position and stick a pillow in your mouth so no one can hear you crying.
Because everything hurts and your heart is as empty as your womb.
But no. No one is supposed to see that.
You should be celebrating. You should be thankful.
After all it is Thanksgiving. The day of thanks!
And no matter what, you should be thankful.
And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be thankful. Every night I thank the Lord for all the things I do have.
I am thankful for my family, my friends, my home, my job. I thankful for my furbabies who always find a way to make me smile; even if it's a smile through pain.
But here's the truth:
Being thankful doesn't take away the pain.
Being thankful doesn't make the darkness turn to light and being thankful doesn't fill the emptiness that consumes my being.
I don't know if I ever told you this before. Those of you that know me will know this...
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It always has been. Kinda funny right!
Next up...
The fat man and the magic of Christmas! Great!! I swear if I had a Santa suit, a little dog and a sled I might just try to steal Christmas or at least cancel it!
Beautifully written. You bring tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI second what M said. Sending love and care to you - I know the holidays can be so hard when you are feeling pain and grief.
ReplyDelete"The days fly by at such an alarmingly slow pace." Wow. This is the perfect description of grief. But as beautiful as that is, I'm sorry you're at a place to be writing them.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
You are such a talented writer. I know our words can't change the way you feel, the struggle and pain, but know that we are there for you. I have thought about you so many times in the last few weeks. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI wish there were words to comfort you.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you.
I'm sorry...for your loss, your pain, the emptiness...I'm so very sorry.
ReplyDeleteYour post really struck a chord with me. Thank you for putting your feelings into word, that women, like me, can relate to who are going though similar loss and grieving. I am so very sorry that you are in this place of sadness. Just know that you are not alone. Sending you lots of good wishes.
ReplyDelete