It's crazy how little I feel right now. How I walk around in a daze.
I guess this is defeat.
It is crazy that I now know what defeat feels like.
It's crazy how empty I feel and it's crazy how each day races by in a blur.
It's crazy that at the end of this month, on October 30th, if I didn't miscarry the first time, I would have a 2 year old running around.
And as crazy as it feels that my baby isn't here... it is just as crazy to think of how it would be if they were here.
It's crazy that 3 months have passed since the due date for my 2nd miscarriage.
And it's crazy that I am not snuggle my newborn as I type this.
It's crazy that I waited so long.
And it's crazy that I keep punishing myself for it.
It's crazy that in my forties not only did I decide to pursue motherhood but I have also started going back to school.
It's crazy how little time I have...and that can be taken in all the monumental ways that one can conjure up...
I will say it again...
It's crazy how little time I have.
It's crazy how fragile I feel. Anyone who knows me knows my strength.
I guess this is weakness.
It's crazy that I now know what weakness feels like.
It's crazy that the thought of cycling again, the thought of one more shot, one more pill, one more transfer and one more two week wait makes me envision myself falling to my knees and wailing.
And what is even crazier is that I will be starting another cycle with my next period.
It's crazy that this will be my 13th cycle.
And it's crazy that I no longer have a sense of hope.
But you want to know what's not crazy...me...because I am not expecting a different result. I'm just getting it over with.
I will not hang my hopes and dreams on this only to get crushed again.
I will not believe...
or at least I will try not to...
I will try not to believe...
I will try not to believe...
It's crazy that my new found non-faith is so hard to follow.
It's crazy that I can't follow a simple, logical plan not to believe.
Isn't it crazy that I still somehow believe?
I sometimes think that hope is the best gift, and the worst torture. I will be thinking about you, and praying for you during this upcoming cycle.
ReplyDeleteI relate to a lot of what you say in this post. I will be thinking of you and praying for you as well.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you as I read this post. I hope with everything in me that you'll soon be posting about your "crazy" life with a newborn. Looking forward to following the rest of your journey (I just found you today).
ReplyDeleteYou are not crazy. Hope is a natural part of being human. I think without it many of us couldn't get up each day. I do understand being haunted by the should-have-been's. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT crazy to believe. While I still feel that nothing I do will ever work (because failure in this department is all I'm used to now), there is a little part of me that believers I will be a mother someday, for no reason other than I want it so much, so I won't give up till it happens.
ReplyDeleteI know somebody who have a infertility journey that lasted over a decade I think, but she did become a mom at the age of 49.
Hang in there. I can totally believe (and relate to) the cessation of any optimism or conscious hope, but all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Praying for good stuff for you.
I am in the same boat. My local RE has given up hope in me. I am going to the other side of the world to prove him wrong. I have been trying since Jan and have never transferred. I have no eggs left and using donor eggs in Czech republic. All I have is a little bit of hope left.We will cycle together this month and I will get to my first transfer and You will make that baby stick around for the rest of your life!!!
ReplyDeleteSo crazy! Yet not crazy at all. Crazy that you've had to endure what you have...not crazy to have hope. I read somewhere that defeat & hope are the devil's worst weapons. Hoping & praying that your time is now.
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