For what it's worth...

Adoption isn't something I decided to do because of my infertility issues.

I have always wanted to adopt.

From a very young age...I dreamt of adopting.

It was actually having children that I wasn't so sure I wanted to do.

In my idealistic teenage years and even throughout my early twenties, I was known to say things like:

"Having biological children is selfish when there are so many children out there that need a loving home."

"Why bring more children into this world..."

For what it's worth I was a fucking idiot!

Those sentiments were declared by someone who thought they had a choice...

Ahhh what power there is in choice...

And even though I declared those things perched on top of my high horse I always pictured myself pregnant and having children.

I dreamed of one big melded family of love...

I still dream of that but just like the other part of the dream that I had to let go of...you know that part that included the man of my dreams in this big, melded, crazy family of love...I must now release the part about having a baby...

It is not going to happen...

Because after 3 1/2 years, 13 cycles and over $50,000 trying to have a baby...I have come out empty handed or should I say empty "wombed"!

So what was it worth?

What have the last 3 1/2 years of my life been worth?

For what it's worth thinking about my adoption fills my soul with light. But it will always do that...

And I do not think of it as 2nd best...I know I will love my child more than life itself...I know that I will love them as ferociously as any mother could...because I already do...

But in the same breath thinking about never having a successful pregnancy, about never carrying a baby, never giving birth takes away a part of me that can never be replaced.  I will never be the same. I will always carry this sadness...

Why? Why can't I be the type of person who doesn't care one way or the other.

Why is this loss trumping everything else?

Because it is not my choice...

So what has all this been worth...

After every failed cycle I would take the picture of my embryos, you know the one they give you on transfer day and I would write something on it...something to my potential babies that didn't make it.

I would write something like:

"I love you more than you will ever know. I wish you could have stayed with me...Love Mom"

And I would put those pictures in my dragonfly keepsake box that I keep hidden away in my closet.

The dragonfly keepsake box I bought  as a little memorial after my first miscarriage.

The box that I put my pregnancy tests and a pregnancy journal in...

A journal whose purpose was to capture all the amazing milestones of my pregnancy but instead captured my despair as I lost my baby.

When I got pregnant the second time I was so certain that this was it...I took a pregnancy test every day until my beta watching with pure joy as that beautiful line grew darker and darker.

Those too now rest in my dragonfly keepsake box.

This time last year I was devastated over my 2nd miscarriage...

I have spent the last year doing cycle after cycle trying to get pregnant again...and I can't...and I don't know why...

It would only take a couple of days after one of my numerous transfers before I would know that it didn't work...I would know I wasn't pregnant...and I would write my little note to my precious embryos and tuck them away in that little box in my closet.

Except after this last (my final) cycle...I wasn't sure after a couple of days...and then a couple more days past and I knew...I knew I was pregnant.

I took a test...there was a line...faint but definitely a line...the next day I took another test...expecting the line to be darker...it wasn't...and my beta came back too low...too low to be a viable pregnancy...it's a chemical pregnancy...another lost baby...

I was pregnant for a day...for one day I was beyond happy...it's not enough...

I took the pictures of my beautiful embryos, wrote a little note telling them how much I wish that we could be together and put them along with my pregnancy test with that faint little line on it into my dragonfly box and tucked it away in my closet...

It's over...

My last cycle...

3 1/2 years...13 cycles...2 1/2 pregnancies...no baby...

So what has it all been worth?

The $50,000 I've spent?

The 35 extra pounds I've gained?

The endless nights of crying?

The over 500 shots I have given myself?

Or the keepsake box in my closet filled with pictures of embryos and positive pregnancy tests that never resulted in a baby...

Another Beautiful Name...

There was this huge post on Facebook quoting Morgan Freeman basically stating that the glorification of murders in our media is part of the problem.

Morgan Freeman denied making that quote...

But it really doesn't matter whether he made the quote or not...there IS a point in that quote.

I DO know the names of the Columbine killers...I don't know one victim's name...

I know the names of:

Son of Sam; David Berkowitcz

Ted Bundy

John Wayne Gacy

Timothy McVeigh

etc...etc...ect...ect...

I don't know the names of their victims...not one name....

Dyke in the Heart of Texas is challenging us to remember one of those lost, just one,  instead of the name of the person who took their life away.

"It is about the FACT that I am going to erase the killer’s name in Newtown, CT. from my memory. It is also a FACT that I am going to remember forever another name, that of one of the victims.

As I read online this morning, the list of victims in the shooting in Newtown, I closed my eyes and made a vow. I was going to pick one of the victims and remember them…truly remember that they existed on this earth…for the rest of my existence on this earth." ~ Dyke in the Heart of Texas

I am vowing to do the same.

I think it's the least we can do...remember the beautiful lives lost and banish the name of the evil that took them...

Painfully I went online and looked at the list of the victims...my heart aches...and I saw her...I took a deep breath and I said:

"I promise I will remember you!"

Catherine Violet Hubbard

Her name is Catherine Violet Hubbard.

I don't know much about Catherine Violet Hubbard...I did  not know her...

But I do know that she was a beautiful, vibrant little girl full of life...

I don't know much about Catherine Violet Hubbard but I do know...she was taken from this world much too soon...

May God hold you in the palm of his hand Catherine Violet Hubbard...

And I promise that I will remember your name!

**UPDATE**
Catherine Violet Hubbard was laid to rest today. 12/20/2012

Click here to read her Obituary.

I learned to today that she had a passion for animals and in lieu of flowers her parents asked for donations to an animal shelter: Newtown Animal Center, PO Box 475, Newtown CT 06470 or you can donate online.

It was Catherine's beautiful smile that made me feel a connection with her. In her Obituary her parents wrote that she will be remembered for her: "constant smile".

It is what I will remember...along with her name...Rest in Peace Catherine Violet Hubbard.

God's Plan - Part IV

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world." - Fred Rogers

GUNS DO NOT KILL PEOPLE. PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE -

If I read this one more time I might kill someone myself...

Okay just kidding but I might give them a big V-8 smack in the forehead.

Making this comment is like saying that a bear shits in the woods...

YES!! YES!! WE ALL KNOW THIS!! WE ARE NOT FUCKING IDIOTS!

But that doesn't mean we put the weapons in their hands.

That doesn't mean we don't try to stop it.

That doesn't mean we don't try...

If that is the case then why not get rid of the army, the police...

It doesn't mean we don't try to stop it...

It doesn't mean we don't try...

It doesn't mean we don't try...

It doesn't mean we don't try...

Otherwise evil always wins and innocent people and our beautiful babies die....

God's Plan - Part III

20 Children Died in Newtown, Conn., School Massacre

There is no reason...

There is no comprehension...

All one can do is hang their head and cry...

But the lingering question will always remain...

Why God? Why?

What is in a name...

I could barely feel his weight as I carried him on my hip. He's so small and pudgy. But I could feel his tiny hand on my shoulder as he held on to me.

He's wearing a dark blue, puffy snowsuit with the hood pulled over his head. And on that precious head he is donning a light blue, knitted winter hat.

His cheeks are chubby and round. His eyes are big, brown and almond shaped. His skin is golden tan and his lips are full and pursed.

His hood and hat have fallen down over his eyes so he can barely see. I carefully pull both garments  back over his head, exposing his beautiful face. I brush his cheeks and lovingly pinch them with my fingers. I turn with my face smiling brightly and declare to an unknown audience...

"Everyone this is Samuel."

And then I snap awake!

I wake up!

The room is still dark and I whisper his name...

Samuel

It was almost like it echoed...

Samuel

And then I heard it again...like ghost...it was me saying it but my lips weren't moving...

"Everyone this is Samuel"

I rested my head back down on my pillow and tried to find that dream again.

I haven't dreamt of my child in so long.

All my dreams and visions have been fading away just outside my reach.

And now a dream. A beautiful dream about Samuel.

I looked up the name:

Samuel's mother was Hannah and his father was Elkanah . Hannah, at the beginning of the narrative, is barren and childless.... Hannah prays to God for a child...

Hannah named Samuel in memory of her requesting a child from God and God listening. Samuel is translated as Heard of God or possibly as a sentence "God has heard"

Samuel...it's a name I've never considered.

Of course I've picked names.

Don't we all.

And I'm not that type of person who won't tell people the names I've picked.

I am not afraid of someone "stealing" my names.

I could care less!

I am going to name my child whatever I want regardless if someone else uses it.

I have a list of names and for boys Samuel wasn't on the list.

For boys I have:

Nathaniel Edwin (Edwin is my grandfather's name) and Nathaniel means "God has given"

And Shane Edwin.

Shane means "God is Gracious"

I don't feel this need to guard these names like they are sacred.

But now...now I feel like I've been given a sacred name.

If I do have a little boy, I feel compelled to name him Samuel.

Samuel Edwin...

"God has heard"

And I can only pray that this is true...

It is no secret that I am struggling.

Struggling with my faith.

Struggling with my belief in God.

Struggling with "He is" over  "He is not".

Knowing that "He is not" hurts less.

But I heard him whisper his name.

I declared his name.

Samuel

The name of a prophet. The name of the little boy who could speak to God.

Samuel...

I guess there is nothing I can do right now but pray.

Pray that this is somehow a message letting me know that God is there and he hears...

And someday I can turn with my face smiling bright and declare:

"Everyone this is Samuel..."