Saturday, December 1, 2012

What is in a name...

I could barely feel his weight as I carried him on my hip. He's so small and pudgy. But I could feel his tiny hand on my shoulder as he held on to me.

He's wearing a dark blue, puffy snowsuit with the hood pulled over his head. And on that precious head he is donning a light blue, knitted winter hat.

His cheeks are chubby and round. His eyes are big, brown and almond shaped. His skin is golden tan and his lips are full and pursed.

His hood and hat have fallen down over his eyes so he can barely see. I carefully pull both garments  back over his head, exposing his beautiful face. I brush his cheeks and lovingly pinch them with my fingers. I turn with my face smiling brightly and declare to an unknown audience...

"Everyone this is Samuel."

And then I snap awake!

I wake up!

The room is still dark and I whisper his name...


It was almost like it echoed...


And then I heard it was me saying it but my lips weren't moving...

"Everyone this is Samuel"

I rested my head back down on my pillow and tried to find that dream again.

I haven't dreamt of my child in so long.

All my dreams and visions have been fading away just outside my reach.

And now a dream. A beautiful dream about Samuel.

I looked up the name:

Samuel's mother was Hannah and his father was Elkanah . Hannah, at the beginning of the narrative, is barren and childless.... Hannah prays to God for a child...

Hannah named Samuel in memory of her requesting a child from God and God listening. Samuel is translated as Heard of God or possibly as a sentence "God has heard"'s a name I've never considered.

Of course I've picked names.

Don't we all.

And I'm not that type of person who won't tell people the names I've picked.

I am not afraid of someone "stealing" my names.

I could care less!

I am going to name my child whatever I want regardless if someone else uses it.

I have a list of names and for boys Samuel wasn't on the list.

For boys I have:

Nathaniel Edwin (Edwin is my grandfather's name) and Nathaniel means "God has given"

And Shane Edwin.

Shane means "God is Gracious"

I don't feel this need to guard these names like they are sacred.

But I feel like I've been given a sacred name.

If I do have a little boy, I feel compelled to name him Samuel.

Samuel Edwin...

"God has heard"

And I can only pray that this is true...

It is no secret that I am struggling.

Struggling with my faith.

Struggling with my belief in God.

Struggling with "He is" over  "He is not".

Knowing that "He is not" hurts less.

But I heard him whisper his name.

I declared his name.


The name of a prophet. The name of the little boy who could speak to God.


I guess there is nothing I can do right now but pray.

Pray that this is somehow a message letting me know that God is there and he hears...

And someday I can turn with my face smiling bright and declare:

"Everyone this is Samuel..."



  1. No bright and shiney comments, just that I pray that moment comes soon.

  2. Samuel has always been one of my favorite names (didn't use it myself only because it is already my cousin's name). I so hope your dreams come true. Just curious, do you think this was a biological child? Based on your description (not a newborn, and physical characteristics), I can't help but think you were referring to a child adopted with an asian background.

    1. In my dream Samuel was about 3 months old and of mixed race. But I don't think Asian. Most likely African American.

      But nothing in the dream made me feel like I he wasn't born to me.

  3. What a sweet dream! I hope Samuel is a sweet little boy meant just for you, whatever way God brings him, I will pray for that for you!!!

  4. I so pray you can have that dream come true one day as well. I hate that feeling where you don't want to wake up!

  5. I think Samuel is your son. This is the baby meant for you. No matter how much pain you have had. Once you have Samuel in your arms. Born or not born to you. It will wash away all your hurt. YOu will be an amazing MOM. You are an amazing person. Your journey has been rough but success is close and your baby is coming. HOORAY FOR YOU

  6. This post rings with so much hope. I cannot wait for you to hold Samuel in your arms for real. I am hoping a praying for you that this will come true



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