I could barely feel his weight as I carried him on my hip. He's so small and pudgy. But I could feel his tiny hand on my shoulder as he held on to me.
He's wearing a dark blue, puffy snowsuit with the hood pulled over his head. And on that precious head he is donning a light blue, knitted winter hat.
His cheeks are chubby and round. His eyes are big, brown and almond shaped. His skin is golden tan and his lips are full and pursed.
His hood and hat have fallen down over his eyes so he can barely see. I carefully pull both garments back over his head, exposing his beautiful face. I brush his cheeks and lovingly pinch them with my fingers. I turn with my face smiling brightly and declare to an unknown audience...
"Everyone this is Samuel."
And then I snap awake!
I wake up!
The room is still dark and I whisper his name...
It was almost like it echoed...
And then I heard it again...like ghost...it was me saying it but my lips weren't moving...
"Everyone this is Samuel"
I rested my head back down on my pillow and tried to find that dream again.
I haven't dreamt of my child in so long.
All my dreams and visions have been fading away just outside my reach.
And now a dream. A beautiful dream about Samuel.
I looked up the name:
Samuel's mother was Hannah and his father was Elkanah . Hannah, at the beginning of the narrative, is barren and childless.... Hannah prays to God for a child...
Hannah named Samuel in memory of her requesting a child from God and God listening. Samuel is translated as Heard of God or possibly as a sentence "God has heard"
Samuel...it's a name I've never considered.
Of course I've picked names.
Don't we all.
And I'm not that type of person who won't tell people the names I've picked.
I am not afraid of someone "stealing" my names.
I could care less!
I am going to name my child whatever I want regardless if someone else uses it.
I have a list of names and for boys Samuel wasn't on the list.
For boys I have:
Nathaniel Edwin (Edwin is my grandfather's name) and Nathaniel means "God has given"
And Shane Edwin.
Shane means "God is Gracious"
I don't feel this need to guard these names like they are sacred.
But now...now I feel like I've been given a sacred name.
If I do have a little boy, I feel compelled to name him Samuel.
"God has heard"
And I can only pray that this is true...
It is no secret that I am struggling.
Struggling with my faith.
Struggling with my belief in God.
Struggling with "He is" over "He is not".
Knowing that "He is not" hurts less.
But I heard him whisper his name.
I declared his name.
The name of a prophet. The name of the little boy who could speak to God.
I guess there is nothing I can do right now but pray.
Pray that this is somehow a message letting me know that God is there and he hears...
And someday I can turn with my face smiling bright and declare:
"Everyone this is Samuel..."