And with each miscarriage and each failed cycle my visions kept fading away.
I even envisioned what my baby shower would be like if I adopted and I mentioned it to mom, my sisters, my BFF M2. It would be a "Meet the Baby Shower".
But I guess that's all I could really picture...a title or a declaration of what it would be...
But envisioning that day coming true....
Walking in a seeing everyone who came out to celebrate.
Envisioning who was going to be there? The hugs...the joy...the congratulations...the amount of love and support I would feel...
No...there was no way to envision that.
And I still can't "see" it clearly...even though it happened.
We called it a "Sip and See" and the amount of love and support...it's indescribable.
It is a moment that I feel like I watched instead of participated in...
It's a sense...an emotion...an overwhelming feeling of gratitude!
At the Sip and See...my baby shower...one of my best friends from childhood, she has two teenage children but she also had several m/c's and one late term. She came up to me at the shower and said: "It makes it all worth it doesn't it...Well, not really! We could have totally done without the other shit but you know what I mean."
Yeah I knew what she meant...
The other day I had my annual checkup with Dr. O my gynecologist.
Dr. O is one of my favorite doctors. The man that I wanted to deliver my baby but instead performed my D&C.
When I confirmed my appointment I asked the receptionist if it was okay that I brought my daughter. She responded yes, but I am sure I confused her.
When I got there, there was a surprising number of children in the waiting room. This is something that would have crushed me a few months ago. Seeing women with their children...and it wouldn't have matter if their child was well behaved or throwing a tantrum...if she was put together or thrown together...seeing women with their children as I sat there alone, having another test or another period to remind me...
And in the waiting room (as expected; he is an OBGYN) were some pregnant women...
It was still hard.
I still looked with envy, hurt and pain.
And as I looked with the eyes of a wounded warrior at the pregnant bellies...directly across from Ladybug was a woman, by herself, looking at her.
Was she me a few months back? Walking into the worst place on Earth...the OBGYN! Knowing you will encounter all that you long for...
In that moment I was grateful. Grateful that my daughter was next me...
But what I didn't feel was gratitude that I can't carry a child or gratitude that I would never experience pregnancy...
It was like my friend said: "Yeah we could have done without that other shit!"
From the moment I started pursuing adoption people would say to me "Oh as soon as you adopt you won't hurt anymore", "That baby will make you forget all the pain" or "None of it will matter" etc.
Meaning that my adoption was meant to take away the pain of infertility and miscarriages.
My response...
I would tell them that it's not my baby's job to heal me...I have to heal myself...
Is that easy?
No!
But I have been trying to heal well before my little angel showed up.
Am I healed?
No! (evident by my trip to the gyno!)
Infertility and pregnancy loss will always be a part of me. And that I can live with...not being a mommy is what I couldn't live with...so in that aspect...Yes...she has healed me...she filled the hole in my heart that wanted to be a mommy...not the hole IF caused...and certainly not the hole in my heart that mourns my lost babies.
I could have done without the other shit...
And that brings me to one of the things that pissed me off (and still pisses me off) when I was stuck in my own private hell, when I was still in the trenches...I would read these blog posts of gratitude for Infertility.
It always came about a month after they reached the other side and it was always some sappy crap about "If I could have shaken the me back then..." blah, blah puke!
Of course these proclamations of unwavering gratitude ONLY come once that person had reached the other side. Happily holding their baby or their pregnant belly...declaring to the world their gratitude for Infertility.
Always after...I have yet to read a post where someone was grateful for the infertility while still in hell...
Am I ungrateful because I'm not grateful for the other shit?
I think I must be missing this overwhelming realization...
I keep thinking there has to be this incredible moment that brings you to your knees and floods you with this undying gratitude for something that's causes so much pain...and I'm missing it...
Because if I could go back in time...I would shake the me of back then and say: "Stop spending so much goddamn money!!"
I will tell you this...my heart is full with gratitude for my daughter... I have fallen to my knees sobbing over the miracle of it all...
I am grateful for many things...
I am grateful I survived!
I am grateful I never gave up!
I am grateful for the community of love and support that surrounds me.
But I'm still not grateful for my Infertility...
Not one teeny, tiny bit!
Yeah...I could have done without the other shit...
