Wednesday, July 16, 2014

It IS beautiful...I think???

On my "private" Facebook group one of the girls posted a link to this:


Her comment: "Just wanted to's beautiful"

My comment...or should I say reaction was:

"I don't know...that completely freaks me out and makes me incredibly sad at the same time"

My friend felt bad.  She posted an apology...she didn't have to. I know she didn't post it thinking this would be something that could be hurtful to me or to anyone else.

She posted it because she thought it was beautiful...

And it is...I think??

And it's the: "I think" that's making me incredibly sad...

The thing is many people will make references to pregnancy and childbirth and it will be something I know nothing about.

The private Facebook page is a Single Mom by Choice page. I am the only mom that has adopted. There is another mother that used a surrogate. I am not sure how she feels about pregnancy and childbirth, she has never mentioned it.

But all the other mothers gave birth to their children.

I am sure that they all (well at least no one's admitted to the contrary) think it's beautiful.

They've experienced it....I can't say the same.

I never got past 8 I never REALLY got to experience pregnancy aside from some sore boobs and a little nausea...I never felt a kick or hiccup (Ladybug gets the hiccups all the time! It wonder if she did while in her birthmommy's belly?)...and I never felt a contraction or pushed or gave birth...and I'll tell you what...

Those pictures terrified me and made me incredible sad not because...well not only because of the obvious...but because seeing a little head coming out of her...FREAKS ME OUT!!

All I can think of when I look at that picture is "Oh God NO!!"

It doesn't seem natural and it's not beautiful...well at least not to me...

And that makes me incredibly sad...

Because it makes me think to myself...

Could that be it?

Could my inner reactions be why?

Why I never got past 8 weeks? Why I never gave birth? Because I don't find it beautiful?

I've felt this way as long as I can remember.  And I'm going to be honest here, I have the same visceral reaction to breastfeeding! (Please note - I am PRO just freaks me out!)

Even though I wanted it so desperately...

Could that be why?

The day I met my daughter the social workers brought me to this tiny, little room at the agency. In the corner of the room, turned so it could fit in the space, sat a rocking chair. A child's blanket laid across the back of the rocking chair.

They told me to sit in the chair.

I did.

I looked around the room. The social workers had set up children's blocks on the desk next to the rocking chair that said "Congratulations Michaela and Ladybug (well her real name) April 17, 2014.

My mother dressed in a bright orange shirt...bright orange because she read somewhere it is comforting to children...she stood behind the door that the social workers were about to carry my daughter through with her video camera posed and ready...

I sat there in this strange rocking chair, in this strange, little room with my name strangely spelled out in blocks and my mother wearing a strange, overly bright orange shirt...and I looked at my not to condemn her for her color choices...

I looked at  my mother and as a matter fact I said: "Could this be why?"

"I think so honey" my mom said with a smile..."I think so!"

I go into her room at night and I watch her. I can't stop watching her... and I know it doesn't matter.

I know it doesn't matter.

Just like pregnancy and childbirth...

It doesn't matter...

Just like the fairy tale of the guy and the dream of 2 kids...

It doesn't matter...

Your matter what it looks like and no matter how it came to be...

That's what matters...that's what's beautiful...

That moment in that strange, little room at my adoption agency, with my mom in her brightly colored shirt poised with a video camera in hand as the social workers walked in carrying my was beautiful...

But that doesn't stop me from wishing that I held her close to my chest the second she was born.

That doesn't stop me from wishing that her little head came out of my...well nope...nope...still freaking me out....

That doesn't stop me from wishing that I could see the beauty in that...first hand...


  1. Michaela, I've always been ambivalent about pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding (not that I could BF because of my meds) also. I am praying everything works out well with Baby's mom and that Baby comes home with me so I can find out how beautiful it can be. :-)

  2. I guess there's always some strangeness involved with having a little human suddenly plopped into your arms, whether through birth or adoption.

    My reaction included sadness, too. This mother seems so comfortable with pregnancy and birth, and that is beautiful. No need for a whole team of REs. Birth is so natural for her that she can even do it IN A CAR, with barely any drama. Like, wow. How would that feel??

  3. I agree...however you get your child is beautiful.

    Having said that, I have to say that I didn't find the childbirth process beautiful. I'd always been freaked out by the thought of it and actually going through it doesn't make me feel any better about it. Not everyone is comfortable with it, and that's ok. :)

  4. I hated childbirth. I adore my child, and yes, it was worth it. But I found it ugly and terrifying. FWIW.

    I did like breastfeeding. But I liked bottle feeding, too.

    I love seeing and hearing your story about your daughter! I'm so happy to hear happiness in you after so many months and years of pain.... but I thought you were going to tell what it was like when you saw her and received her into your arms for the first time! i want to hear about it, if you are willing to share.

  5. Even if you did give birth, there's no guarantee you'd feel that it was beautiful. IMHO it's the moment you 1st hold your child that is beautiful. Your moment was beautiful, but you're right, it won't stop you wishing...or maybe it will, over time. Hugs.



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