Just a few weeks after my second miscarriage.
My grief was insurmountable.
In that post, I summed up my grief: "...every moment feels like you are walking through quicksand. The days fly by at such an alarmingly slow pace but they will be here and gone before you know it."
I think I'm at a loss for words to describe where I am today...
Christmas Eve 2014
I see those words...those words of Christmas past... and I am speechless...wordless...
Trust me this isn't going to be one of those self absorbed, self stroking posts about..."How if I could only go back and shake the me then and tell her it's all going to be okay..." Blah! Blah! Bullshit....
I know that there are so many out there who can't breathe right now and the holidays...the most wonderful time of the year...makes it worse. Makes it nearly impossible to even get up and face the cheer.
So no, this isn't one of those posts about how: "If I could only see into the future I would change the way I felt then"
Because there is no way, at that time, I could have foreseen this...
This freaking miracle...
And really...who the hell could!!
Because to be completely honest...I...AM...ONE...LUCKY... MOTHER FER.....!
There is no doubt in my mind that I could easily be sitting in the same grief of 2011...2012...2013 and of course the many years before that...
I do not know what I did to deserve this twist of fate that brought me my daughter...
It's perfect orchestration...how could one predict that!
I pray every day to be worthy of it...
And the only words that seem to come to me is...redemption...it feels like redemption...
And isn't that fitting for the season!
Those deep, dark moments when I felt like my whole life was a mistake...
Like there were no words to describe its purpose...
Or wait maybe there are words...
The words I never thought I would speak...
The words that every day take my breath away and are the reason I breathe...
The words...
"My daughter"
Every day I get to say those words and it is like Christmas!
To those still waiting to say those words...
To those still living with the ghost of Christmas Past or Christmas Present...
I can't tell how to make it better...or what to do to change it...all I can say is hold on...and even that isn't good enough...I know! I've been there!
But I do pray that someday you find your redemption...that you find your Merry Christmas!
Because there are no word to express it when it happens...there's nothing else like it.
It is the true meaning of Christmas...
I pray you find your Merry Christmas!
