Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I wish that you were mine…

The reason I’ve spent so much time going back over my miscarriage is because the pain I am feeling now, the pain of my last IVF cycle failing and the pain of knowing that I will not be carrying my own biological child has proven to be just as devastating as my miscarriage. The loss is unbearable but the love and desire to be a mom it still strong. I need to learn how to honor, to release and then open my heart up to the child waiting for me.

An open letter to my unborn child:

I have dreamed about you for so long. I’ve imagined your face, your smile, your eyes, your nose, your cheeks, your fingers and your toes.

I was never really sure what you would look like but I could picture you perfectly. I imagined looking into your eyes and seeing that familiar face. Mine, my mom’s, my sisters’, my cousins’, my aunt’s, my grandma’s face all living within your own. Generations of differences but somehow all the same.

I am so sorry that we will never meet. It is a loss that will reside in my heart forever. I am sorry I waited so long and in turned missed my chance to be with you. I am sorry that I didn’t welcome you into my life sooner.

I know that there will always be a part of me that will remain heartbroken over the fact that we could never meet. I know you tried to be with me and for whatever reason you could not stay. I miss you. There will always be a part of me that will forever mourn the fact that you had to leave.

I imagine your beautiful face and I can almost see it shining, your cries that I swear I can sometimes hear, your laughs that echo with mine and your smile which resides in my heart. I used to think someday…someday you will be mine…I never imagined that someday would never come. The emptiness of the absence of the hope in someday is a shadow upon my soul.

My beautiful, beloved baby it is time for me to let you rest. It is time for me to open my heart to the beautiful soul (your brother or sister) waiting patiently to be with me. I will forever hold you in my heart.

I wish you could have stayed. I wish that you were mine…

Love,
Mom


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11 comments:

  1. I'm speechless...thank you for sharing this...it's beautiful & heartbreaking.

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  2. It is beautiful and says so many of the things which I too feel. Thank you!

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  3. What an honest, and heartbreaking, post.

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  4. You are an amazing writer and the depth of your emotion truly comes across. I wish I could do or say something to ease your loss and heartache.

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  5. I posted this video on my blog a long time ago, and I think your last lines are from this song. I know Stevie wrote the song is about a lost lover but I also know that she likes to leave her songs open for interpretation.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOV1YVtnEW4

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  6. S - Yes, it is from Beautiful Child. It is nice to meet another Stevie fan.

    I am a long time Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac fan. I've seen Stevie Nicks solo in concert 5 times (shook her hand twice!) and with Fleetwood Mac 4 times. I actually saw this concert!! It was amazing.

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  7. Michaela,

    I always look forward to your posts. They're always honest and touching. Thank you for sharing your heart with us all. Please know that I'm sending you a big hug from the west coast.

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  8. This is beautiful, Michaela. Thank you for posting this.

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  9. Michaela - I am so very sorry you have gone through so much. Its a beautiful post. And you are going to be an amazing mom.

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