Saturday, September 17, 2011
We now return to our regularly schedule program already in progress…
Episode 64: The root of all evil!
Previously on “A Single Journey”, our single gal Michaela just finished telling the story of her sailor…or did she?
So that was it.
That is how it ended between me and my sailor.
It didn’t end with what one would really call closure.
Actually it’s the farthest thing from closure you can get.
I know there are many of you wondering if I ever tried to look him up online or on Facebook and some suggesting that I do so.
And I don’t mean to sound coy but:
“Are you fricking kidding me??”
Of course I tried!
I tried repeatedly!!
I even joined some kinda of “British Forces Re-United” website and tried to look up him up by the crew information from different ships.
As a matter of fact I am still a member of “British Forces Re-United” and get their monthly email updates!
And I still try every once in a while.
But here’s the thing.
My sailor has a really (I mean REALLY) common name. It couldn’t be any more common than if he was John Doe himself! And when you Google it or try to look it up on Facebook there are thousands…actually tens of thousands of entries that come up and I have no way to narrow it down except to add England or the Royal Navy! Neither have proven fruitful.
And then there is this cold hard fact.
The one that is a little hard to swallow but speaks volumes.
I have a very unique name and when you put it into Google or Facebook I am the only one (and well maybe my brother) that comes up.
He could find me.
If he wanted.
I have had other people track me down.
I am Facebook friends with so many people from my past that looked me up.
He could find me.
If he wanted.
So I guess I have my answer.
And a pretty definitive answer.
But if that is not a definitive enough answer I actually got the closest thing to closure that I think I am ever going to get just about 2 years ago. Just about at the same time I embarked on my journey.
I had over the years, wrote so many letters to him. Most I never sent but once in a while I would send one to his mother’s.
I never received a reply.
And then about 2 years ago when I started on my journey, I decided to send this letter out to as many addresses as I could find:
“Over the years I have written you so many letters. I have no idea why I never sent them and now after over 10 years, I have no idea if you’ll ever get this. I am sending this to all of the last known addresses I have for you, to your mom’s address and one address I got from a computer search. I hope this reaches you and if you have no idea who I am, I obviously sent this to the wrong address. So here it goes:
You were a huge part of my life. I loved you so much and losing you was the most devastating thing I ever had to go through. I just wanted you to know that you have never left my thoughts or my heart. I would love to be able to talk to you again; see how you are doing…anyway… if you get this and would like to talk you can call me or write me. I would really love to hear from you.
And I actually got a response.
Can you imagine how fast my heart was racing when I opened the mailbox and saw a letter?
But it was my letter returned, ripped open and then taped back together with a note:
“Hasn’t lived here in 15 years”
Written in large black letters across the front and back of the envelope.
I thought it was odd and a little bit of overkill.
I mean they opened it.
They read it.
Taped it back together and sent it back to me with a message.
A pretty clear message.
And that takes some effort.
So why go through the effort?
Did they know where he was?
And why after reading my letter would they in no uncertain terms want me to know he’s not there anymore?
I told M3 about it.
I told her I had his brother’s old address, all his old ship addresses and his mom’s old address.
Well, I figured they were old addresses. I assumed (and we all know what assuming does!) that they had all moved by now.
And I also had a bunch of old phone numbers. One of them his mother’s phone number.
I told M3 that there is no way after all this time his mother could still live there. Plus I’d sent letters to her. She had to have moved.
So M3 was like:
“Let’s find out”
And she called his mother’s old phone number from the early 1990’s.
And his mother picked up.
Only M3 could have handled it the way she did.
What we found out is that she doesn’t want to tell my sailor about the letters and she doesn’t want to tell us how to get in touch with him.
She kept asking: “Why now? Is she sick? Is there something wrong with her?”
M3 kept saying things about closure and reconnecting.
But she told M3 that he was very hurt for a very long time and she doesn’t want him to be hurt again.
And then she said…
The one thing I didn’t want to hear but knew was coming…
She then said he’s married with a young son.
I will say my immediate reaction was “She’s lying”.
Not about the young son but about being married.
But she probably isn’t.
She’s just trying to protect her son.
And so, that’s it.
So is that the root of all evil?
Is that the reason I haven’t been able to find the one. Why I am still single and childless?
Could it all boil down to my sailor leaving?
Have I been spending all this time waiting for him?
I often wonder but I don’t think so.
I have had many relationships after my sailor and some of them with very strong potential.
There is a part of me that thinks it might be because I became “gun shy” or in this case “love shy”.
But I feel that I am more than ready to open my heart and love that way again.
And I have been for a very long time.
I think that the sum of one’s parts doesn’t necessarily equal the whole.
And I’ll just have to keep on going forward.
I think I also have to examine my transient perception of men. There were a few times where I was the one who left in order to stop something from being too serious at the beginning.
I would leave before they could get the chance to leave me.
And I know in those cases I have hurt them in the way that my sailor hurt me.
I think there is a part of me that thinks I might be paying off some kind of karmic debt because of that.
But really this is a price that is just too high to pay for any transgression!
Some might even think why bother going over the past. The past is there in the past for a reason but when you’re faced with a future that you are not quite sure where it is going and you are not sure if your dreams will ever come true you search for a reason.
You desperately search for a reason.
You try to look for what brought you to your present state.
So, could my sailor be the root of all evil?
I am a firm believer that it is not what happens to you in life by how you handle it.
And I cannot blame my sailor for the things I did after I lost his love.
That is on me.
What has brought me to this present state I have to accept responsibility 100%.
And if I was going to be fair I would have to start reexamining all of my relationships to see if one of those is where I went astray or went off course.
After my sailor there were a couple of notables in a sea if unnotables.
So could the root of all evil began after my sailor left?
My sailor broke my heart but maybe the root of all evil started after that with the man that broke my spirit.
Could it have happened on Superbowl Sunday in 1996 when the handsome Breadman came into my bar to watch the football game?