Sunday, September 25, 2011
A funny thing happened on the way to the RE’s office…
*I am going to put a little disclaimer on this post because I use the word “vaginal” a lot! I mean a lot!! So you have been warned.*
I had planned on continuing my exploration of the first question I asked on my very first blog post…
How did I end up here?
My first blog post briefly explored the possibility that ending my relationship with my High School Sweetheart (HSS) might have landed me where I am today.
And one year later for my blogoversary, I took that exploration a little further and explored “the one that got away”.
I told you the story of my sailor.
And to be honest I think telling the story of my sailor has been very cathartic for me.
I was ready to move forward with a salacious tale about the Breadman.
I promise you ladies it is a tale to be heard and I will continue it.
But in the midst of all this story telling I had 2 cycles cancelled, a surgery and then finally I started a new cycle.
And that’s when it happened…
When I started driving to Dr. Wow’s office for my baseline ultrasound, I was overcome with this enormous fear that something was going to go wrong.
I wanted to turn around.
I used to drive to Dr. Wow’s office with some kind of hope or excitement and a little crush but now…now it was total dread.
That’s when I realized something…
I realized I am suffering from Post Traumatic Vaginal Ultrasound Disorder or Post Traumatic IVF Disorder or Post Traumatic TTC Disorder.
Whatever you want to call it, I am damaged.
And in actuality I think that I am truly suffering from all 3.
It starts with Post Traumatic Vaginal Ultrasound Disorder because that is where all the bad news comes from.
The Vaginal Ultrasound.
On my very first Vaginal Ultrasound over 2 years ago, I was told that I had very little eggs left and given a “Practically zero percent chance of conceiving”.
It was the Vaginal Ultrasound that always made Dr. Doom let out a little grunt of disappointment.
Then it was the Vaginal Ultrasound that told me I had a cyst on my 1st IVF cycle.
It was the Vaginal Ultrasound that showed very few eggs for retrieval on all 3 of my IVF cycles.
It was the Vaginal Ultrasound that told me I had a cyst on my last 2 recent attempts to cycle.
It was the Vaginal Ultrasound that told me that my lining wasn’t shedding and I wasn’t baseline for both of my cancelled cycles.
And it was the Vaginal Ultrasound that told me I was going to miscarry.
Actually it was a total of 3 Vaginal Ultrasounds that I had to endure all telling me the same horrible news.
The funny thing is, I’m not sure if I ever told anyone this before but the night before that last Vaginal Ultrasound confirming my miscarriage I had a dream that I was at an RE’s office but it wasn’t my RE’s office from the time (that would have been Dr. Doom) but it was kind and gentle RE. And when this RE did my Vaginal Ultrasound he turned the monitor towards me to show me my beautiful, healthy baby.
But that is not what happened the next morning…
The next morning Dr. Doom’s partner Dr. Darth Vader callously delivered the heartbreaking news that I was going to miscarry via Vaginal Ultrasound.
So, yes I have PTVUD and although I am trying to make light of it, I don’t mean it in a humorous way.
*Although the word itself “Vaginal Ultrasound” is very funny!!
But you see I am a girl that loves and enjoys her downtown area. I can appreciate it for all its glory and I never knew it wasn’t anything but glorious until I met the Vaginal Ultrasound.
Now, I want to close down, downtown.
Every time they go in to take a look around something is wrong.
And that feeling of dread I had going to Dr. Wow’s...
It was unfortunately spot on and of course the Vaginal Ultrasound once again gave me bad news.
But Vaginal Ultrasound’s partner Bloodwork actually gave me good news so I will be moving forward with my cycle.
And that brings me to…
Post Traumatic IVF Disorder.
I cannot get excited about this cycle.
I cannot talk about it.
I cannot share and I cannot even breathe the word “cycle” without that horrible feeling of dread creeping over me.
That feeling of doom.
That feeling of failure.
And that fear that I will go in for my next Vaginal Ultrasound and “KABOOM!!”
Which brings me to…
Post Traumatic TTC Disorder
And this is the worst part or the hardest part for me…
I am angry and bitter.
I have no hope or faith.
And I don’t want to be this person and I don’t want to feel this way.
But I don’t know how to stop these feelings.
But I don’t want to do this anymore…
I don’t want to cry when I hear a friend is pregnant.
I don’t want to cry when I read a blog post about a BFP.
I don’t want the pangs of jealousy when I see a happy family; a baby’s picture; an ultrasound picture (that means the Vaginal Ultrasound didn’t let them down).
I don’t want to fake a smile, fake a laugh, fake excitement or fake joy.
Shit I have faked a few orgasms in my life (very few because my downtown is glorious but still); that was enough. I don’t need to fake anything else.
I don’t want to hide my fears, feelings, anger, jealousy or tears either.
And I don’t want that feeling of wanting to tell people to “Bite me!” or “Fuck off” when they are expressing what they naturally should be regarding cycling, pregnancy, family or their babies.
I want to share it with them.
I want to rejoice and be happy.
I want to have hope and determination.
That same hope and determination that has gotten me this far.
But I can’t for some reason. I feel like I am the one left behind.
Left behind to drown in my disorders…
And I never felt this way before.
I never felt this way Pre Vaginal Ultrasound.
Or Pre TTC.
It’s all post and it’s all traumatic.