Sunday, September 25, 2011

A funny thing happened on the way to the RE’s office…

*I am going to put a little disclaimer on this post because I use the word “vaginal” a lot! I mean a lot!! So you have been warned.*

I had planned on continuing my exploration of the first question I asked on my very first blog post…

How did I end up here?

My first blog post briefly explored the possibility that ending my relationship with my High School Sweetheart (HSS) might have landed me where I am today.

And one year later for my blogoversary, I took that exploration a little further and explored “the one that got away”.

I told you the story of my sailor.

And to be honest I think telling the story of my sailor has been very cathartic for me.

I was ready to move forward with a salacious tale about the Breadman.

I promise you ladies it is a tale to be heard and I will continue it.

But in the midst of all this story telling I had 2 cycles cancelled, a surgery and then finally I started a new cycle.

And that’s when it happened…

When I started driving to Dr. Wow’s office for my baseline ultrasound, I was overcome with this enormous fear that something was going to go wrong.

I wanted to turn around.

I used to drive to Dr. Wow’s office with some kind of hope or excitement and a little crush but now…now it was total dread.

That’s when I realized something…

I realized I am suffering from Post Traumatic Vaginal Ultrasound Disorder or Post Traumatic IVF Disorder or Post Traumatic TTC Disorder.

Whatever you want to call it, I am damaged.

And in actuality I think that I am truly suffering from all 3.


It starts with Post Traumatic Vaginal Ultrasound Disorder because that is where all the bad news comes from.

The Vaginal Ultrasound.

On my very first Vaginal Ultrasound over 2 years ago, I was told that I had very little eggs left and given a “Practically zero percent chance of conceiving”.

It was the Vaginal Ultrasound that always made Dr. Doom let out a little grunt of disappointment.

Then it was the Vaginal Ultrasound that told me I had a cyst on my 1st IVF cycle.

It was the Vaginal Ultrasound that showed very few eggs for retrieval on all 3 of my IVF cycles.

It was the Vaginal Ultrasound that told me I had a cyst on my last 2 recent attempts to cycle.

It was the Vaginal Ultrasound that told me that my lining wasn’t shedding and I wasn’t baseline for both of my cancelled cycles.

And it was the Vaginal Ultrasound that told me I was going to miscarry.

Actually it was a total of 3 Vaginal Ultrasounds that I had to endure all telling me the same horrible news.

The funny thing is, I’m not sure if I ever told anyone this before but the night before that last Vaginal Ultrasound confirming my miscarriage I had a dream that I was at an RE’s office but it wasn’t my RE’s office from the time (that would have been Dr. Doom) but it was kind and gentle RE. And when this RE did my Vaginal Ultrasound he turned the monitor towards me to show me my beautiful, healthy baby.

But that is not what happened the next morning…

The next morning Dr. Doom’s partner Dr. Darth Vader callously delivered the heartbreaking news that I was going to miscarry via Vaginal Ultrasound.

So, yes I have PTVUD and although I am trying to make light of it, I don’t mean it in a humorous way.

*Although the word itself “Vaginal Ultrasound” is very funny!!

But you see I am a girl that loves and enjoys her downtown area. I can appreciate it for all its glory and I never knew it wasn’t anything but glorious until I met the Vaginal Ultrasound.

But now…

Now, I want to close down, downtown.

Every time they go in to take a look around something is wrong.

And that feeling of dread I had going to Dr. Wow’s...

It was unfortunately spot on and of course the Vaginal Ultrasound once again gave me bad news.

But Vaginal Ultrasound’s partner Bloodwork actually gave me good news so I will be moving forward with my cycle.

And that brings me to…


Post Traumatic IVF Disorder.

I cannot get excited about this cycle.

I cannot talk about it.

I cannot share and I cannot even breathe the word “cycle” without that horrible feeling of dread creeping over me.

That feeling of doom.

That feeling of failure.

And that fear that I will go in for my next Vaginal Ultrasound and “KABOOM!!”

Which brings me to…


Post Traumatic TTC Disorder

And this is the worst part or the hardest part for me…

I am angry and bitter.

I have no hope or faith.

And I don’t want to be this person and I don’t want to feel this way.

But I don’t know how to stop these feelings.

But I don’t want to do this anymore…

I don’t want to cry when I hear a friend is pregnant.

I don’t want to cry when I read a blog post about a BFP.

I don’t want the pangs of jealousy when I see a happy family; a baby’s picture; an ultrasound picture (that means the Vaginal Ultrasound didn’t let them down).

I don’t want to fake a smile, fake a laugh, fake excitement or fake joy.

Shit I have faked a few orgasms in my life (very few because my downtown is glorious but still); that was enough. I don’t need to fake anything else.

I don’t want to hide my fears, feelings, anger, jealousy or tears either.

And I don’t want that feeling of wanting to tell people to “Bite me!” or “Fuck off” when they are expressing what they naturally should be regarding cycling, pregnancy, family or their babies.

I want to share it with them.

I want to rejoice and be happy.

I want to have hope and determination.

That same hope and determination that has gotten me this far.

But I can’t for some reason. I feel like I am the one left behind.

Left behind to drown in my disorders…

And I never felt this way before.

I never felt this way Pre Vaginal Ultrasound.

Pre IVF.

Or Pre TTC.

It’s all post and it’s all traumatic.



  1. I'm still trying to figure out the balance between being optimistic towards my future as a mom, and not setting my hopes to high to prevent the impending disappointment. And I'm really tired of hearing about my former students becoming accidental teen parents, when there are so many adults out there that would make great parents if fate would just step aside and give them a chance (like you for example).

  2. I've currently got a bad case of the PTTTCD so I understand. Great post btw.

  3. @Ali - It is a fine line and then when you get knocked down it just make it harder and makes you scared that it isn't going to happen. And wonder why it happens for everyone else especially those that don't want it. It's always easy for them!

    @Shadow - I have been wondering where you have been. I hope you are doing okay. Wishing you the best!!

  4. I would feel the same if I had been through everything that you have. There's nothing that can be said to make any of it better, but I will hold you in my thoughts.


  5. This post says a lot. I understand it. What really struck a cord was saying you are damaged. That's the exact words I used to describe myself to friends last night. It worries me. It also worries me that the only thing that will help repair it is becoming a mother.

    I don't think you are abnormal for anything you've said and it makes me feel better because I know I'm not alone. I hope it gives you some comfort knowing that you aren't either. I'm looking forward to the day when we are both on the other side of this and it's just that thing that made us stronger.

  6. I am so sorry.

    I hope, at least, you can forgive yourself for the anger and sadness and trauma and everything else.

    This, none of this, is your fault.

    I know that someday you CAN and WILL be a mother. You don't know how or when, but that was what I held onto when I had doubts.

    Stay strong in that knowledge. And forgive yourself. And be kind and gentle with yourself, and your Downtown.

  7. Michaela,
    I came across your blog a while ago and have to tell you that you are definitely not alone! You've made me feel that I'm not alone in my feelings either and you've even made me smile...
    I'm in my third IVF cycle, I'm going in for my blood work 2 days early due to the fact that I'm pretty sure it's over...again!
    I told myself that I would try 3 times or turn 42...this is my third time and my 42nd birthday is coming faster than I would like. This is it! It's so unfair but I hope that someday we will both begin to be hopeful and happy about life no matter what happens... I read an awesome quote somewhere that said "In all of this, I tried to conceive a child and in the end I conceived a stronger sense of myself"
    I'm posting this as "anonymous" but only cuz I can't figure it out otherwise...Brigitte

  8. Michaela, thanks for putting words to my feelings and coining a new term (or 3) that says it all. I resent that my attempts to have a baby are tinged with hurt, disappointment, dread, fear, anger, and all the other negative emotions that I don't want to feel. I hope for both of us, that the negative feelings will become a distant memory and that our journey to motherhod will not be tainted with bittersweet emotions and flashbacks of the traumas we have endured to get there. Personally, for me, I hope that if and when I get pregnant, I can shake the negative feelings and experience/embrace the blissfulness that I see emitting from my pregnant friends. -penny

  9. I so empathized with this post though I haven't been through what you've been through. My acupuncturist told me that women diagnosed with infertility have the same stress as a woman diagnosed with cancer. Both are life defining and heartbreaking experiences.

    It's so easy to be optimistic when you are ignorant of the experience of despair and disappointment. It's something that can't be regained once the experience has been tainted. I've always advocated that knowledge is power, but it also can be quite paralyzing too when you know the realities of that awful thing called statistics.

    I do so hope that the end of this heartwrenching journey brings a baby to help heal the trauma of the disappointments you have endured.

  10. Great post! I'm so glad you commented on my blog so I could find you. I'm also really tired of feeling how I feel: damaged, bitter, left behind. Thank you for posting this.

  11. This post really hits home. It was TTC and pursuit of parenthood that made me see I can hold two opposite emotions at the same time in the same place in my heart: fear and hope; joy and envy; anger and surrender.

    Wishing you well on your journey :-)

  12. I found you via Mel's Friday Roundup. Your post definitely struck a nerve with me. In the beginning there seems to be so much potential for positive news to come from the doctor's office, but after so many times of the news not being what we want to hear, it definitely gets harder to hear and handle. I hope that changes for you and you get the great news you deserve to hear.

  13. It is hard and traumatic and scary and sad. You are not alone in fearing the bad news when going to the next u/s or blood work.
    Here from Mel's Blog Roundup.

  14. Well said. I don't know what to say, really, but I just want you to know that I read this and that it resonated with me. Being post and traumatic is very hard.

  15. Wow, you said it all! Thanks for a great post, but sorry you aren't feeling so great. Hope you find a happy place soon (I'm still looking for mine, too).
    I'm here from Mel's weekly roundup.



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