I have been going over every inch of my life with a fine tooth comb.
From the time I graduated high school and went to college all the up to the day I decide to go it alone.
Every step I made, every choice I've made I have put under a microscope.
And when you start to look at things that up close...you end up not liking what you see.
Especially when you put it in relationship to where you are today. And where you are today is lost and alone and childless. Without your family.
Everything feels like a misstep.
What if I did this?
Or didn't do that?
Went here or there?
Stayed with him?
Or tried harder with him?
Or this, that or the other thing?
Questioning
Second guessing.
I know the "shoulda, woulda, couldas" aren't something you can change so why go over them right?
And really for most of them I know why I chose what I did. I don't have regrets.
For most of them...
So this really isn't a "shoulda, woulda, couldas" thing but more of a "Where did I go off course?" thing.
And I analyze it.
And I know.
I know the moments that put me off course.
I know the mistakes I've made.
And I can look my mistakes in the eye and say: "You did this"
I did this.
I chose to pursue my dreams over settling down.
I chose to "be free" and wait until I was ready and waited too long.
I chose a lot things that at the time I thought was the right choice.
And I stand by those decisions.
No regrets right.
Right?
But now...now as I walk down Memory Lane and as I dissect every choice... They all feel bad.
Because they ultimately lead me here.
That's what this journey has done to me. It has sent me down Memory Lane where I question every choice I have made. Where I start to feel like everything I have done in my life wasn't worth anything. Every choice, every turn, every step a mistake. One big giant mistake that has ultimately brought me to where I am now.
Memory Lane is filled with nothing but Land Mines.
Recently I went to a college reunion of sorts.
The old Theatre gang from my college all got together.
And it was...
Wonderful!
Uplifting!
And possibly reaffirming.
It was a different kind of trip down Memory Lane.
This time traveling down Memory Lane is refreshing, instead of Land Mines I'm reliving amazing friendships. Reconnecting with the friends that became my family so long ago and realizing how important they were and are in my life. Realizing what a huge part of my history they are. And I love them. Each and every one of them.
We laughed and hugged and reminisced.
Remembering a time when maybe my life wasn't one big giant mistake.
It filled me back up and put that missing smile back on my face if only for a moment. And in that moment it all felt right.
Memory Lane brought me back to all the friends that I have made over the years, the ones I've had all my life, the ones I made along the way, old friends, new friends, the friends I talk to everyday and the ones I only see at mini reunions.
All of them are on Memory Lane.
So, when going down Memory Lane and looking at the choices that I've made, if those choices brought all these amazing people into my life, then they all couldn't have been bad right?
I am so glad you had a wonderful time with your friends. I too spend way too much time dissecting "where everything went wrong."
ReplyDeleteI too have been known to spend (too much) time wondering what could have been, if only I'd chosen a different path somewhere along the way. There's been a lot of self-flagellation because of that, and I've always come to the conclusion that my life has been a total failure because I haven't become a mother.
ReplyDeleteThen I read this article: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/9446816/If-Maeve-Binchy-had-been-a-mother-....html . And it made me angry. I was enraged that this woman's worth was being based on the output (or lack thereof) of her womb. Then I realized that I was doing the very same thing to myself and that it had to stop. There is so much more to me - and all of us - than our ability to procreate. Yes, it's hellish to be childless when it's what you want more than anything. But there is still a value and a purpose to our lives.
I'm so glad you were able to have that time with old friends to remind you of that.
I'm frequently a traveler on Memory Lane. I sometimes take the "Compare My Life To" detour as well. It can really drive one nuts rethinking every step ever taken in life.
ReplyDeleteI agree though that just because our status is childless, that does not negate the full and rich life we've lived, especially if that life has brought together such wonderful friends like you have.
I guess there's always a trade off, always a second guess and always a wistful "should have" in life.