We all know the scene...
Neighborhood bully takes the arm of the shy kid or the arm of the fat kid and pulls it behind his back, pulling up harder and harder declaring with each pull:
Pulling harder: "Say it!!"
One excruciating last pull: "Say Uncle!!!"
And the poor little wimpy kid screams: "UNCLE!!!"
That scream of "UNCLE!!!" is more than just that little wimpy kid not being able to take the pain. It's a plea for mercy...it's a plea that says through all my strength, through all that I CAN endure...it can't take this anymore...I will sacrifice my strength, my pride, my fortitude and beg for mercy....because I cannot take one more pull...
And the little wimpy kid is left on the ground crying...not crying because his arm hurts...crying because he gave in...he had no more strength, no more fortitude and no more pride...crying because he gave up!
Infertility (IF) is my bully, twisting my arm behind my back until I can't take anymore...
As we know I am in my "final" final cycle (16th!!! cycle) with Dr. Period and crew which includes Dr. Corny.
*On a side note...I can't decide if Dr. P and crew are amazingly competent or completely incompetent.
Leading up to my "final" final cycle I had to get a bunch of testing. A bunch of testing that I already had multiple times in the last "4 fucking years!"
This testing included an HSG. An HSG that after several trips to the hospital to get the results, the only logical conclusion is that the test was completely fucked up! Instead of going into details on this colossal screw up (because there is so much more to come) let just say the radiologist who should have take multiple pictures throughout the test, took only one! Every time I went back to the hospital they kept giving me that same damn picture! Only one lousy picture that didn't even show the needed results!
*Note - the HSG screw up was not Dr. Corny's fault. I had gone to another doctor, which it wasn't this other doctor's fault either...it was the radiologists fault.
So now Dr. Corny wants to do a saline sonogram. No big deal right!
Here I am with my legs in stirrups waiting for Dr. Corny to finish this procedure and he's making a lot of fuss.
First he can't get the speculum in and then he can't get the catheter threaded through my cervix and into my uterus (come on dude!! You're an RE! Know your f'ucking way around a vagina, a cervix and a uterus!).
Then he gets an air bubble which I now have learned causes problems with the ultrasound machine. You can't get a picture through an air bubble...who knew!
And now Dr. Corny is apologizing with his (not so charming but completely irritating) southern accent: "Oh looks like we gotta little air bubble. Sorry about that! How y'a doing?"
Me: "I'm okay" and in my head..."Hurry the fuck up dude!!"
Dr. Corny (trying to be funny!): "Well at least you haven't kicked me."
Me (seriously, you're not funny dude!): "Are you done?"
Dr. Corny: "No. I'm working on it"
Me: "Then you're not out of the woods yet!"
And in the back of my mind, I can hear IF laughing, twisting my arm going: "Say it!!" "Say it!!"
Finally my tests are done and I am waiting for Leroy to start my cycle.
Leroy...who is a very punctual guy decides to show up 5 days late...oh yes...torturous ("Saayyyyy it!!")
But finally he's here!! Time to start my protocol.
Now a protocol for a donor cycle is a lot less intensive than protocol for an OE cycle...well at least it's supposed to be...
I take my 14 days of Estrace...which is longer than I have ever done before (hmmm competent? incompetent?). And they have me taking it both orally and vaginally...I've never done vaginally before...totally weird! Estrace is a little blue pill (not THAT little blue pill but now that I think about it has increased my libidio!) Well inserting this little blue pill is not easy AND you end up leaking blue out of your cookie!
Anyway 14 days later I am ready for my close-up!!
I go in for my ultrasound and blood work. If all looks good a transfer date will be scheduled....
Apparently the ultrasound tech notes on my chart that she sees a small structure in my uterus that could be a cyst...not an ovarian cyst but something in my uterus (christ it could still be Dr. Corny's air bubble! or maybe one of my little blue pills).
I noticed she wrote this but I didn't say anything. I figured I would ask when they called me with my instructions.
And waited for my instructions....
And waited for my instructions...
Sometime after 4pm they call me and told me to come back in 2 days!
I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting to be scheduled for a transfer so I was totally thrown off guard and totally forgot to ask about this cyst. All I asked was "Why?" and the nurse said: "Because the doctor wants to give your lining a little more time to get thicker".
Now I think it's important to mention that this clinic is over an hour and a half away from me. I have to get up at 5am drive an hour and a half down there and then drive an hour and a half to my job right after! It's exhausting and this is if there is NO TRAFFIC! I live in New Jersey...need I say more!
Two days later I am up at the ass crack of dawn making my trek to the RE's office. Lather, rinse, repeat! I notice that this ultrasound tech writes the same thing as the last one about noticing a small cyst! WTF!!
The whole car ride back to work I am crying. I just know this isn't good and I have a list of questions for the nurse when she calls!
On the car ride from the RE's office to work I end up getting stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. I call the office to tell them. I get out of bumper to bumper traffic and then get caught behind a "Wide Load". I get past the "Wide Load" to get detoured by a road crew "tree trimming". I get past the "tree trimming" (and no it's not fucking Christmas!) and get stuck behind a train....oh yes, this hour and a half drive took well over two hours....
And now the wait...the wait for instructions...
And I wait...
It is now 4:30 and I can't believe they haven't called.
I leave a message with the nurses. I email my coordinator.
It is now after 5pm.
I was going to go to the gym after work but I was so shot that I decided to go get a relaxing pedicure.
I had cried myself out and faced the fact that they weren't going to call me (incompetent!!).
I was in my favorite nail salon with my feet in gloriously relaxing hot water when my cell phone rings.
It is 6:30pm and it's the clinic calling to give me instructions.
I go fumbling in my purse to get the phone. When I answer I accidently had it on speaker and the nurse starts rambling off instructions: " Your transfer is scheduled for Monday."
"Hi! Hi! Hi! Can you hold for one sec...just one sec....I need to take you off speaker!"
Yeah that got everyone's attention!
The nurse goes on..."You need to take this med now and that med then and start this med on this day etc".
I am scrambling to write it all down because mind you...I am in the middle of the nail salon with my feet in hot water. I can't get up and find a private place to talk.
Once the nurse finishes I say, as quietly as I can: "Can I ask you something? Do I have a cyst?"
I really wanted to ask a lot of questions but I was not in the place to do it.
I can "hear" her looking at my chart.
Then she says: "Let me get the doctor."
Now Dr. Period and company consist of about 5 doctors. I have met with Dr. P and of course Dr. Corny and unfortunately the only other doctor I have talked to there has been:
Dr. IDFK (I Don't Fucking Know) for short!!
And both times I have talked to Dr. IDFK has been on the phone.
Dr. IDFK has a strong accent.
She starts asking all kinds of questions: "What was the last cycle you have done?" "Have you ever had surgery on your uterus?"
If I could have crawled under my "relaxing" pedicure massage chair or walked on the gloriously hot water my feet were soaking in out of there I would have...but instead I was trying to whisper things like: "IUI" and "D & C"
At one point she wanted me to get a prescription and asked for my pharmacy's number. So as I am trying to look up the number online as I am talking on the phone...the woman in the chair next to me hands me her phone so I can look it up on her phone while I am talking...sweet...yes...AWKWARD!!...YES!!!...MORTIFYING!!!.....YES!!
At the end of the conversation the doctor decided that I should come back in 3 days. She wanted time to review all the ultrasounds they have on file for me and to review my saline sonogram to try to determine what this "blip" on my ultrasound could be (competent??)
I hung up the phone and apologized to the nail salon that they had to know my business...
And in that time the girl finished my pedicure! No relaxing for me!!
I got up and walked over to get my manicure and it was at that moment I noticed the owner of the salon is pregnant!
Then (I guess miraculously at the same time) the "phone lady" noticed she was pregnant and they start talking pregnancies and babies...
Hey I learned that "phone lady" had her babies early (ohhh good for fucking you!!) and that's why her belly is completely flat! YEAH!!!! She bounced back!! AWESOME!!!
Hey it's only fair! She knows my business!!
I go back tomorrow morning...tomorrow morning at the ass crack of dawn for my close up!
If the "blip" is gone they will schedule my transfer...if not...I will be canceled.
And I am this close to saying: "Uncle!!!"