Paths that we must follow.
Some are by choice, some by chance and some because we have no choice.
Those are the hardest to walk.
The ones where you have no choice.
There is power in choice...but when it has been taken out of your hands...when you have no choice...you have no power...
That's when you crawl.
That's when the slightest movement forward has drained you of all you have.
I will tell you this...right now I am barely crawling.
And although I said I wasn't going to give Mr. Selleck any more billing here I have to...
What he did to me is what keeps me crawling...I must work on standing...
His actions, his words, his betrayal, his lies...have all but crushed me to the ground.
And as I use every last bit of strength I have to move one inch...
It makes me wonder how my actions may have caused others to walk miles they didn't want to...
And it makes me wonder how my actions may have been detrimental to their ability to walk...
Causing them to crawl...
No one wants to be responsible for the pain and suffering of others...but when it comes to the matters of the heart is there really any way to avoid that?
What Mr. Selleck did was extreme...and I keep thinking about my behavior in the past that may have warranted such harsh retribution...
This isn't the first time I have had thoughts like this...I have many times wondered if at certain times in my life, even though I was truly sorry, if at those certain times when my actions weren't of the utmost moral standards, if due to those times my karmic debt still hasn't been paid.
And I know this sounds weird but this is a character flaw of mine...being too sensitive and too hard on myself...because I think deep down inside I have this notion that somehow I must have done something to deserve it...
The same with my infertility and miscarriages...I feel that somehow I deserve it and I just want my debt paid...
So relationship wise...do I feel that I deserve what Mr. Selleck did to me?
I think if I am going to figure this out, honesty is a good place to start.
The most important person that I have to be honest with is myself.
About two years ago on Facebook I received a friend request.
That request was from the guy in college that I had "the affair" with when I was still in a relationship with my High School Sweetheart.
That request made me pause...pause and think...think back to a time, a time where I wasn't as loyal and faithful as I should have been.
A time where I was learning what kind of person I wanted to be but maybe not always practicing those traits or making the best choices.
It made me reflect. Reflect on everything that happened back then...
It's amazing how much you don't remember!
And amazing how much you do...
Funny, I remember where he lived and what his place looked like from back in time...
There have been many times over the years when I drove into that area, I would purposely turn up his old street just to drive past his old place...
And I remember when I told him that I was ending the affair.
He was standing at my front door and I was explaining how my High School Sweetheart loved me and I wasn't going to leave my High School Sweetheart.
As I went to shut the door in an act of finality, he pushed it back open and said: "He loves you...I love you!"
Was that the moment when I couldn't make sense of my feelings...when I couldn't make sense of his feeling or my High School Sweetheart's feelings...
The moment where I realized what I had done...to all of us...
The moment when I knew I had to walk away??
I don't know...
See after that I don't really remember that much...
Except that one day...I think months later...he showed up at my work.
By that time I was with my sailor and I am not even sure how the conversation went...
I feel horrible that I can't remember what I said...
Was I mean? Was I compassionate? Did I apologize?
Maybe that's what this is all about...me wanting to apologize...to tell him that although I had strong feeling for him, there was no way I could have loved him because I didn't love myself. Because I was too busy hating myself for what I had done...and he was a part of that mess...that mess I had to clean up and move on from...
But seriously some 20 plus years later...do I even own him an apology?
The answer is: "No". I don't owe him an apology. I don't owe him a damn thing. He knew I was with someone else and he pursued me anyway. Unlike Mr. Selleck who played on my every hope and dream, whose lies and deception were hidden by songs of I love you...I never made him promises that I was going to leave my High School Sweetheart for him and I never made him promises of love...
BUT yes, what I know now, a lesson that I painfully learned back then is that it was my job to say "No thank you" to him when he made those advances and I didn't. I didn't and that in turn only caused pain for all those involved: myself included.
So no I don't owe him an apology.
So why? Why think about? Is this because Mr. Selleck came along and trounced on my heart?
No this has been on my mind for a lot longer than Mr. Selleck...
No this is something that has gone in and out of my conscious for 20 plus years... that moved to the forefront with a simple friend request.
My feelings of having done something to deserve all the pain that I have been through has compelled me to revisit the past...to revisit him...to tell him it was nothing he had done to deserve the mess that I made when I gave in to his advances...
Maybe it's me trying to release the ghost...
And maybe, yes, there is a part of me that wants to apologize...not because I think I owe him an apology but because I am sorry and it would be something I would like to hear...and really isn't that how you move forward and release the ghost??
By acknowledging it's presence...accepting your part in its creation...and saying I'm sorry...
So relationship wise...from my past...do I feel that I deserve what Mr. Selleck did to me?
No!
There is nothing I have done in the past that made me deserve the heartache that Mr. Selleck has caused me...
There is nothing I have done in the past that makes me deserve that heartache of infertility and miscarriages.
So as I am forced onto this path...
As I am learning to stand...
As I walk my mile...
Maybe by accepting the fact that I did nothing to deserve this and truly believing it in my heart...
Then maybe at the end of my mile there won't be an electric chair...
Just a tiny ray of redemption...
