Friday, March 7, 2014

Maybe I'm Amazed Part II

I will be honest. There came a point when I wanted to stop telling the story of Mr. Selleck.

In my head I am completely done with him...I just wish my heart would get the memo.

I wish my heart would stop making my head go over every little detail of every moment we spent together trying to find a reason.

I am revisiting every word he said to me.  Reliving every moment we shared trying to figure it out.

Looking for that elusive fucking reason.

Just once I want a fucking reason!

Seriously! The last 4 1/2 years of my life have been the most painful so did  I really need this dick to come across my path!


What is the fucking reason for that!

So God, the cosmos, the universe or whatever thought: "Hey I don't think her hopes and dreams have been shattered enough...let's make her think she's met the one and then rip her heart out! Yeah, that should do it! Bwahhh haaaahaa!"

That is why I wanted to stop telling the story.

It hurts too much.

I'm driving myself crazy!

By continuing the story I am still giving him life.

He doesn't deserve least not in my life.

The reason I keep reliving it?  The only thing I come up with is that I am still in shock.

I am still amazed!

I actually had a reader comment that they are no longer going to follow my blog because they liked it better when I wrote about the pursuit of family through adoption and other means.

The hard part is, when you stop doing treatments and you are an adoptive parent in waiting...there isn't much action...just a lot of waiting.

I have now been waiting for 2 years.

This month I will be doing my homestudy for the 3rd time and well...that's another thing I am amazed about.

I knew I would probably have a longer wait but I never thought I'd hit 2 years...

You start to feel like it is never going to happen.

Kinda like meeting the guy...I had given up on that ever happening and then...

When I met Mr. Selleck I was in cycle.

I had a transfer and I was waiting for the results.

Mr. Selleck knew none of this until I had my chemical pregnancy.

It's funny...when I got that positive pregnancy test I thought: "Wow I finally met a guy I really like and he's probably going to run when he finds out I'm pregnant."

But I didn't care...I didn't care if he ran...I was pregnant!

I'm amazed that I actually believed I could have a viable pregnancy...

Isn't it amazing that even when you've yet to have a viable pregnancy...when all of your pregnancies have ended in miscarriage...those two lines send your head and heart right off into Wonderland!

It's a false the words of Mr. Selleck that keep echoing in my head...only there to make you believe and then rip it away...

Maybe I'm amazed that I had any hope left.

I even entertained the idea that I might finally have everything I ever dreamed of...the guy and the baby...oh you silly little girl...

When my pregnancy turned out to be chemical, I foolishly thought the reason could have been Mr. Selleck...once again oh so wrong...


It's just all random believe otherwise would make it all too cruel...

Maybe I'm amazed that I fell for it again...all that hope had to offer...I soaked it in...

I'm amazed I let hope fool me again!

So, I was going to continue with the story of how hope in the form of Mr. Selleck fooled me again.  There's definitely more...

I have titles and started writing blog post on how it's been being without experiences that relate to this...on and on...


The day after he amazed me...the very next day...he put up a dating profile...and a few weeks later I heard through the grapevine that he started dating someone new and was proclaiming his undying love on the 2nd date...

On the 2nd fucking date!

I am amazed!

Beyond amazed!

The funny thing is (well nothing is really funny right now) that when Mr. Selleck told me he loved me after we had been only dating for 2 months I questioned it! I told him I thought it was too soon and I was afraid he might be a player...and now he's proclaiming his love after 2 dates!

It kills me! The thought of him being that way with someone else...kills me...and I know that some would think this information would make me feel better...knowing that he is just crazy...but it doesn' doesn't make me feel makes me feel everything was nothing...

I am amazed!

But I will say it again...he no longer deserves life in my world.

His character is being written out of the script.

I will try to put him out of my mind and every day he will begin to fade away.

Like an artist erasing a character from a sketch, all that will be left is the faint trace of what could have been...

I'm heartbroken and there really isn't much I can do about it but wait it out...

I'm going to try to refocus my energy, spend some time with me and remind myself of how amazing I am.

I am amazing!

I'm an amazing woman with a broken heart.

It will mend.

Because there is one thing I've learned over the years, a broken heart sucks...there's no way around that

But amazingly...

 In time it will heal...(I hope!)



  1. You are an incredible, amazing woman!!! You deserve so much better than this jackass. As for the reader who isn't going to read your blog anymore, it's her loss. You have the right to write about your life and whatever you want. I will still be reading.

  2. Ditto Nell. And why tell someone you aren't going to read their blog? Just stop reading if you don't like what the person has to say. It's so unnecessary and rather mean.

  3. Although I rarely comment, I love your blog because I love your unique, self-aware and real voice. Regardless of what you are writing about, you have a gifted way of putting your reader into your shoes and capturing an image, a faint shadow of your life. I follow you because I want to see where your journey takes you. Boohoo on the tactless person who wanted you to write about just one thing. Life is more than one or two paths we can take. It is an infinity of choices we make, people we meet and obstacles that we encounter than can break our heart. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  4. You're right about waiting to adopt - there's a lot of "need to keep myself busy" that happens.

    If you're looking to change up your parent profile, I'd be happy to take a look at it and provide some feedback. Have you been shown to expectant parents and not chosen, or has there just not been a lot of opportunity to be shown?

  5. cmgr - Thank you so much! I work with an adoption agency where they create your profile. I haven't even seen it. I am going to ask my social worker when she comes for my home study if it's been shown etc.

    Please email me at so we can continue this discussion! I would love your input!

  6. Mr. Selleck reminds me a bit of a man I dated long ago, who sent mixed messages that sucked me back in several times. Didn't understand it then and still don't now!

    I think the way you handled it all was brave -- both in being open to love after disappointments, and in walking away when necessary, even though it must have really hurt. Your resilience IS awesome. I'm sticking around to read more. :P

  7. I am glad that you are being honest and sharing your story. Someone criticized me for sharing too much about romance on my blog and it really smarted. Good for you for not taking it personally.

  8. I cannot imagine how anyone can not want to read your blog, no matter what you're writing about. I find your writing captivating. Besides, this is your space, you're allowed to write (or not write) about anything you damn well want!!

    I'm sorry you've had this awful experience with Mr Selleck on top of the heart ache you've alreay had to deal with.



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